don't know how to proceed

[bennyone]

Hi!  My wife is late 5 days now for her period based on last month.  Start of last period was 8/3/12.  She is pretty regular on 28-31 days so it is still kind of early but I suspect she might be prego.  But what kind of boggles my mind is that after 8/3/12, we had sex only once and that was on 8/23/12.  It is so infrequent that I remember the dates and times.  

Well, we have on child and that is enough for me.  I do not want more children mainly because I am overly concerned that our future together is rather doubtful to me.  She has changed a lot.  She doesn't hug me, doesn't touch me, too many excuses for sex.  I do not have any evidence whatsoever to question her for infidelities but I just feel like she wants two children and I am then dispensable.  I am not sure how this forum can help me but it would be very tough for me to see two kids of mine grow without a father.  Also the fact that we had sex way out of that ovulation period makes me scratch my head.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm sorry that you are considering leaving your children prior to entering into marriage counseling. I understand that you are hurt by your wife's disinterest, but it could be so many things that are causing this, including mental instability right now, depression for instance. Is your wife home on leave from work? Does she have any friends? There are just so many variables that could account for her actions right now. Please think a little bit about "For better or worse."  

I agree with SM, I would keep my family together, and use all resources available, before considering separation or divorce, especially if you are having unprotected sex (when you do get together).

I would then consider a lawyer to make sure that I did not lose custody. You should be able to have joint custody. A friend of mine and her husband decided, after marriage counseling, to call it quits on the relationship. What they did do then was to keep the kids in the family home, and buy a condo where they took turns being in the family home, 50/50, with the kids. The parent that was in the condo was always included in all of the kid's events. It worked out great for them for the 15 years it took to raise the kids. They worked together and gave their children their first priority. IF, I were to have left my late husband, I think that I would have mirrored my friends' commitment to their children. Something to think about.

I wish you well, bennyone, and I'm sorry you are feeling rejected right now. God Bless.

[specialmom]

The second post you wrote is very sad.  You sound very sad, disillusiioned, etc.  I'm very sorry about that.  I am a tad old school when it comes to marriage in that I think a couple should try to resolve issues before breaking up---- especially when their are children.  However, no one should ever remain in a situation that is hurtful, painful or like you describe.  You've almost described a situation now that looks like you and your wife live seperate lives.

so, if you've tried to work on the issues-----  and again, I think marriage counseling CAN really help and recommend it highly-----  then you start thinking of what comes after that.

It is very true that divorce causes  a situation that doesn't feel great for our kids.  Our time with them is split.  But don't feel like if you had your child part time that this is like not having  him or her at all.  It's much BETTER than that.  You do your very best to remain a constant in their live.  Even if it is mom's turn to have her for the week, you still go to her soccer game.  things like that.  But it is very hard.  I feel for you.  It will be something you wrestle with----  if your sadness over the relationship warrents losing that day to day contact with your kids.  I've said it before----  I'd probably stay married to someone unless they were abusing me in order to keep my family in one unit.  But like I said----  I'm old school.  That would be worth it for me.  I think others have to make their own decisions and no one can tell you what is right or wrong for you. I do admire that you have a conscience about it and are so thoughtful about ALL of the ramifications.  

Well, good luck.

[Londres70]

Splitting custody would still be PT.

Agree with NurseGirl.......said everything basically in a nutshell.

Well.....did you have sex BEFORE 8/3/2012?  

You sound unappreciated and unloved.  You have told your wife how you feel?  Correct?

I would try counseling FIRST before doing anything drastic.  

[nursegirl6572]

Million dollar question is, have you told your WIFE all of the things you told US here?  Without communication, a marriage WILL "tank", for sure.

You sound like you've already given up, yet it doesn't sounds like you've made an effort to address the things you aren't happy with, and by "addressing", I don't mean pursuing sex every other day.  You are basically ready to walk out the door, does your wife knowe that? I have a feeling she has no clue.

Marriages, especially ones with children...require LOTS of work.  When things aren't right, to succeed requires communication and then even more work.  With your daughter involved, you have to at least try.

I also agree with SM that you can't worry on one hand out your wife being pregnant, when it doesn't sounds like you did anything to prevent pregnancy!  You've got one foot out the door, yet you're having unprotected sex?  That's not right....plus, you basically said you couldn't handle being a PT Dad...then, DON'T compound your marital issues by taking the chance of getting her pregnant right now.  If she is, you're just as responsible as she is....and IMO, would have even MORE responsibility to work on your marriage.

I TRULY think that you are just not happy and want out...instead of sitting your wife down and explaining to her the SERIOUS problems in the marriage, you just get more mad and build more resentment.  That isn't healthy for ANYONE.  Your daughter most definitely will notice something isn't right, either...so no matter what...you can't continue sweeping this under the rug.

I hope you talk to your wife, and soon.  Best of luck.

[specialmom]

could you split custody?  

[bennyone]

If, God forbid, this marriage tanks, then I am out of the question for emotional influence on my child or children.  Seeing your child on weekends only to me is no better than disappearing for good like many men do.  I don't want to generalize on women but I am starting to understand now how so many men just are not there for their kids.  No man can do for a woman as much as I did for my wife.  New house, new car, easily 20K worth of jewelry.  I have a decent job to allow me for all this.  On the emotional front, I am home after work every single day.  I spend Fridays with my daughter alone when my wife goes to work.  I do not or will never require my wife to cook for me or do anything for me.  I do everything myself, I am so used to that because I have been on my own since I was 17.  I have never raised my voice on her.  On my worst days, I go to the gym and workout to avoid any potential conflicts.  But I get pretty much nothing in return.  Perhaps I do because she is not nagging and never checks on our finances.  But on the emotional front, nothing.  I could be sick, doesn't feel my pain.  I come home so tired after 12 hours of work sometimes, she wouldn't get up her couch to greet me or hug me.  She is just so unavailable for me.  I feel like I am the woman in this relationship from time to time.  The thing with me is that I am extremely patient and resilient but once I say 'enough' I do not look back.  I never regret either because I am not hasty.  This started out so amazingly.  We were the champions of the town but I don't know how to proceed now.  If there was no child, this would be a very simple decision for me.  But I really need to see my daughter every morning and every night.  I am trapped.  

[specialmom]

Well, they wouldn't grow without a father, would they?  Divorced or not, you'd always be the father with responsibilities both financially and emotionally.  You'd want to establish/continue relationships with kids, have some custody/regualr visitation, etc.  Right?

A woman's reproductive system, even when typically regular, can have an odd cycle.  That is for sure.  If she ovulated late for whatever reason ----  then, sure, she could be pregnant.  Now, I took early pregnancy tests bought at the grocery store and found out with both of my kids that I was pregnant FOUR days before I expected my period.  So, she could always test now and if negative in another week.  Then you will have a better answer.

It saddens me the way you speak of this marriage.  You do already have a child together.  YOu hear often that people change.  Well, sure they do.  We all do.  We evolve.  The lack of sexual intimacy could very well be due to other issues you two are having as that is often a symptom to other problems.  Or if your child is young, I can tell you----  I went through a period of time in which I was just tired, didn't feel sexy, and probably frustrated my husband a good deal.  My kids are now 8 and 7 and a few years ago, that got much much better.  I felt like myself again without a toddler on the run all day to look after.  So, I do think sometimes the stage people are at with kids can create a situation like you describe.  

The key is to talk about these issues.  And if you can't resolve them on your own, see a marriage therapist.  So many couples  CAN and do find their way back to each other when motivated.  And to me, motivation is that shared child.  Food for thought.  

Now, why weren't YOU using birth control if the idea of another pregnancy would be upsetting to you.  A condom?  Anything?  
good luck