friends with benefits

[renshengdream1]

I prob write under the wrong topic,,,but couldn't find a fitter one.
My situation is me and the guy have chatted online for a almost one year, then we decided to see each other in reality....
We met in a bar and i was drunk that day, ended up going home with him. we didn't have sex that day, juz made out a little bit.
we had sex one week after. For some objective reasons, both of us decided not date each other. He wants remain friends with benefits, I didn't make a decision right away. One month after, we had sex again....he keeps saying " no emotion attached"

seriously, i don't think I could handle friends with benefits, but still enjoy hanging out with him. After first sex, I set up my goal saying not see him anymore,,,,but I didn't make it,,,so shamed on myself,,no self-control at all....

Please, please give me some suggestion.Thanks very much

[renshengdream1]

This is also why I am so panic right now,,,,,I got myself tested at 4.5 week after the first time we had sex, it came back negative. But I totally understand there is window period. And We had sex again like 1 week ago,,,,,so new anxiety started.....

I already decided to end such ridiculous relationship since I am totally stressed out

PS, He did wear condom every time, but I was bleeding for the 2nd time......so freaking out right now......

[Marcus177]

You need to have him wear a condom.  It is not too late to get HIV.  You can have sex with someone that has HIV and not get it until days, weeks, months, years later.  As for FWB, if he wants this it is because he does not want to commit to you. If you are ok with that, then good for you. Just be smart.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

Please don't feel guilty AND You are NOT a bad girl!!!  BUT if we do something that doesn't feel "quite right" to us, then we just re-think it and do differently in the future.  ALL of us want to love and be loved.  I only suggest that "friends with benefits" works more for Men than it does for Women.  It's the "casual", "modern" attitude these days to just do whatEVER feels good - no strings, no commitment.  Women are nesters; we seek relationships and committments because we want to build families.  Sex was meant for procreation - the reason it feels good is so we would have the desire to procreate.  The biggest, most sensitive sex organ is the brain - and "sex" doesn't get any better than "making love" with that special someone.

[specialmom]

You know, you really strike me as a smart young woman.  I think also----------- in life, we learn through experiences.  We make mistakes . . . but sometimes those mistakes sure were fun!  Made a few myself.  In the moment, something feels great but then after, the way we feel makes us wonder if it was worth it.   That is what you have to decide here.  

You seem level headed, for sure.  Just always protect your heart and dignity.  Good luck

[renshengdream1]

agreed with u!
I will def think about your suggestion.
Actually, I did self-talk so many many times,,,,there are two me fighting in my mind. One set up all goals and solid moral insisting on breaking off all those *****, the other has weakness whenever I see him.....
Could time have power kill everything......prob stop seeing him is the only option left.

[renshengdream1]

the new standard and morals mentioned by the end is exactly the stuff makes me feel guilty......Ive never done anything like this before......so I pretty much judge myself.....feel like I am a bad girl. so twisted most of the time

[renshengdream1]

Hi specialmom,
u spoke out what I exactly think. It is true I am attracted to his physical appearance.
I understand it's NOT, absolutely not a logical judgment. I even talked about this situation with my psychological Dr.  Her suggestion is similar with all u guys talked here.
U mentioned about I am lonely, this is true flashing back last year when I was on online dating website. I experienced a slight depression because of long-term intensive academic load. ( I am a grad student, scheduled to be graduating in Dec this year, this is also the reason, why we decided not date each other, since I will def be leaving soon).
Honestly, when he appears, he does distract my attention from so many frustration I get from research everyday.
I used to be a logical thinker since my primary study is about doing research, but obviously not for such stuff.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I think that we all need to be self protective.  Some might be able (and yes, men and women) to have unattached sex to meet that need with someone they are attracted to physically (or they are just available) knowing that this person is NOT someone they'd have a relationship with.  Some really can do it.  

But, many start of telling themselves they can do this because the other person wants it that way when really what they want is to be in a relationship.  They stay available to this friend with benefits person and don't try too hard to meet/date someone that there is real potential to actually date in earnest.  

Because you met him online, I am thinking you are lonely.  This is a band aid for that.  And that's how we end up hurt.  


Okay, so---------- take this for what it is worth.  Don't let alcohol impair your judgement with things like this.  And always use protection-------- birth control and condoms for std's.  Always.  good luck

[TTinKKerBBell]

Why does one want a "friend with benefits"???!!!!!

If one is going to be so CASUAL about "sex" - why have it with a "friend" - after all, if it's just about the "benefit" why not do a stranger?? after all, if it's just about the "benefit" why not go solo??   If all we're gonna do is go for the orgasm, well, we can just do THAT anytime, anywere, with or without anyone!!  

What happened to the term "lovemaking" and "making love" - is it because we no longer need/want LOVE and/or COMMITMENT with that "special" someone??

This IS what Women want and Men would buy into it if Women held it sacred.  Men DO want "sex" and Women ARE in control.  If Women were to quit giving it away or selling it, we would begin to see changes in attitude - maybe a few more standards and morals??

[teko]

Friends with benefits simply means you both get sex, with no responsibility or hope of anything coming out of it,  and the female gets caught with all the emotional fallout and many times physical fallout as well. Now why in the world would a woman want to put herself in such a destructive situation to herself. I suggest you break that off before it causes anymore angst than it already has and buy a pal. Seriously, this is all about common sense here. I can understand why a guy would benefit from this agreement but why would a female even contemplate such a thing.

[alaysha]

I have to agree with rockrose on this one. I too believe that nothing can be as simple as "just friends with benefits" somewhere the lines always get crossed and someone ends up expecting more. I can honestly say I have never been able to just have casual sex and if someone wantes to use me that way I'd he heartbroken.

[RockRose]

Girls don't do "friends with benefits" very well.  We're not structured that way. It's like manna from heaven when a woman is willing to give sex to some guy and not expect anything at all in return -guys are baffled by that gift.  It's like you walk up to some guy and say hey do you want a 20 dollar bill for nothing?

In the past,  women demanded something in return for giving sex to a man.   Marriage,  money,  something.  It's a product of our times that women now think it's fine to give it away for free - and you find,  it hurts. Women hurt giving it away free.  Women are geared to commit,  of FGS get SOMETHING for their willingness to have sex,  while men are just praying to God women will give it to them,  and so they're willing to pay money or commitment for it.

[renshengdream1]

We did use condom every time, but still very nervous.He had test scheduled by the end of July ( which he said test twice a year),,,but I can't wait that long and very unlikely ask him get tested right away...almost every time I bring up this topic, it def end up being pissed off for both of us.

We've decided not see each other twice. We said " this is our last  time", it turned out it was never be the last time.

[alaysha]

Well if you already had sex with him its a little late to worry about stds. If you feel better have him get tested and show you also wear condoms.

[renshengdream1]

Thanks for your reply.
Forgot to say, there is another issue hanging over in my mind,  which makes me hesitate to be friends with benefit with him.

I am very very concerned about health. I did ask him about his STD status couple of times, he was like "  I am clean, got tested twice a yr". And he is organized and clean( I went to his place).But still, For me,how could I know he truly responded instead of giving answers I am willing to hear.

I think it's time to make up my mind, I know am an adult but still act like a teenager for this stupid stuff....honestly,,I am not looking for relationship from him either.

[alaysha]

Its not really a hard decision. If you enjoy having sex with him and you don't want a relationship then just have we'd with him. You're an adult its your decision. If however you do want a relationship then you need to tell him that instead of just going with the flow. If you don't want to have a relationship and really don't want to have sex then tell him that you value his friendship but you not want it to be sexual at all. Either he stays your friend or he doesn't but if he doesn't respect any of your wishes on your situation then forget about him.