Aa
he does not want marriage
I have been a relationship with my boyfriend for over 11 years and we have a son together. I have waited patiently for a marriage proposal but now lost hope. I have talked to him numerous times that I want to be married. Everytime the conversation comes up, he quickly changes the subject. Or he says "ill ask you one of these days, just be patient". He is a very good & loving man and treats me very well. But marriage is very important to me and seems not important to him. My parents are still married and his parents are divorced. I feel so awkard being called his girlfriend after 11 yrs together. In my opinion I feel like I will never be good enough for him and maybe he thinks I'm not the one he should marry. We had our ups and down relationship but always worked it out. I love him so much but us not being married, really hurts and bothers me.. I always tell him I love him but I don't if he really loves me or he is just staying in the relationship for our son. Lately its all I think about.. I wonder why I'm not good enough for him. This time I really feel like I ran out of patience and think I should end the relationship. I have never had a good relationship with his family and I know that may be one of the reason for his hesitation. I worked so hard to change for him and tried to get along with his family but its seems like it is never good enough. I am a good mom and raise our son very well.
Oops typo.. There is NO abuse or cheating in our relationship.. My computer kept freezing (thunderstorm) @ the time.
I do feel my heart is telling me stick it out for my son. He has have a strong bond with his dad. And I constantly tell myself I can be a in this relationship without being married.. And I think about others who are in abusive and cheating relationships.. and I'm so thankful to god, my boyfriend treats all females with respect. I also think if do end this relationship what will it do to my son. Because my boyfriend takes care of us very well and that should be enough for me, right?
@ specialmom... I have asked the questioned, "we live like a married couple, what so diffrent about having a marriage licensed" and does not answer my questions.. His response majority times is "I love u and treat u very well and that should be enough". I think both of us changed a lot to make our relationship stronger.. For example.. He is very close to his mom and she is very controlling and opinionated, and he jump at every command his mom gave and that irritated me.. So we had a long talk and eventually he slowly "let go of his mommie skirt".. For me I stop being so critical of his family, especially when we had our son. Now I just let him n my son do whatever they want with his family, even tho I sometimes disagree with their activities..
I do feel my heart is telling me stick it out for my son. He has have a strong bond with his dad. And I constantly tell myself I can be a in this relationship without being married.. And I think about others who are in abusive and cheating relationships.. and I'm so thankful to god, my boyfriend treats all females with respect. I also think if do end this relationship what will it do to my son. Because my boyfriend takes care of us very well and that should be enough for me, right?
@ specialmom... I have asked the questioned, "we live like a married couple, what so diffrent about having a marriage licensed" and does not answer my questions.. His response majority times is "I love u and treat u very well and that should be enough". I think both of us changed a lot to make our relationship stronger.. For example.. He is very close to his mom and she is very controlling and opinionated, and he jump at every command his mom gave and that irritated me.. So we had a long talk and eventually he slowly "let go of his mommie skirt".. For me I stop being so critical of his family, especially when we had our son. Now I just let him n my son do whatever they want with his family, even tho I sometimes disagree with their activities..
COMMUNITY LEADER
I don't know what to say. He seems committed to you and your child------ there and supporting you both emotionally and financially. This is a tough one. I would absolutely be irritated.
Ask him HOW it would change your relationship as you are already living like a married couple. I find his reasoning odd. It IS important to you which thus, makes it important. But HOW exactly would it change things?
A couple of things do concern me from your original post. You mentioned that you have tried really hard to please him, changed yourself to do it, etc. (I'm paraphrasing). How much of yourself have you had to change to keep him? Is that getting old? We should be equal to our partner complete with our flaws. We can try to work on things that make us better people and should but something in this situation makes me wonder about this aspect to your relationship. Does he fear if he is married you won't be a certain way anymore because he can't easily leave? That would certainly stink if true.
So that question as to how things would change if you married officially (which as I said, you are common law spouses at this point) is important.
Then if he remains true to where he stands now, you'll have to decide if the formality of marriage is worth leaving him for. That is a tough one!
Ask him HOW it would change your relationship as you are already living like a married couple. I find his reasoning odd. It IS important to you which thus, makes it important. But HOW exactly would it change things?
A couple of things do concern me from your original post. You mentioned that you have tried really hard to please him, changed yourself to do it, etc. (I'm paraphrasing). How much of yourself have you had to change to keep him? Is that getting old? We should be equal to our partner complete with our flaws. We can try to work on things that make us better people and should but something in this situation makes me wonder about this aspect to your relationship. Does he fear if he is married you won't be a certain way anymore because he can't easily leave? That would certainly stink if true.
So that question as to how things would change if you married officially (which as I said, you are common law spouses at this point) is important.
Then if he remains true to where he stands now, you'll have to decide if the formality of marriage is worth leaving him for. That is a tough one!
He is a great dad n boyfriend. He always tells us he loves us. There is abuse or cheating n our relationship. After work everyday he comes straight home n spends time with my son.I go to school full time and he is the provider.
I asked him numerous times bout marriage but he says its not important and it will change our relationships.
I asked him numerous times bout marriage but he says its not important and it will change our relationships.
dani, I wouldn't put up with it either, 11 years and a child together, it is irritating that he won't commit. Right now, is he functioning as a live at home dad, and a good one, to your son? If so, I'd stick it out if he is performing the role of a committed dad, he just in fact isn't one.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. Gosh, eleven years IS a very long time. I presume you live as a married couple and may even be considered as "common law" spouses at this point in your state. But I agree completely with you. We want our partner to declare their love for us publically and it sure would be nice if he'd just do that already.
I think if you feel this is becoming a deal breaker for you-------- you must communicate it that way. Not "do it or I'm breaking up" but "this is really bothering me and I no longer want to wait indefinately to be a married woman. It either happens or I must search for the person who wants to marry me. I want to marry you but you have to return that feeling to be with me." Something like that.
I'm sure you are wondering why he hasn't asked you to marry him. Have you ever just asked him why he doesn't want to marry you?
I will tell you that this has more to do with him than you so do not feel inadequate.
He's comfortable with the situation and you are not. He needs to know this but then you must be serious about moving on. Your child does count on you both and unless his dad is abusive to you or him in some way, I hate to see your family break up for his sake. You have much to consider but I think you need to communicate exactly how you are feeling without worry about how he reacts. good luck and I hope he comes through for you.
I think if you feel this is becoming a deal breaker for you-------- you must communicate it that way. Not "do it or I'm breaking up" but "this is really bothering me and I no longer want to wait indefinately to be a married woman. It either happens or I must search for the person who wants to marry me. I want to marry you but you have to return that feeling to be with me." Something like that.
I'm sure you are wondering why he hasn't asked you to marry him. Have you ever just asked him why he doesn't want to marry you?
I will tell you that this has more to do with him than you so do not feel inadequate.
He's comfortable with the situation and you are not. He needs to know this but then you must be serious about moving on. Your child does count on you both and unless his dad is abusive to you or him in some way, I hate to see your family break up for his sake. You have much to consider but I think you need to communicate exactly how you are feeling without worry about how he reacts. good luck and I hope he comes through for you.
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