help!

[whattodo435]

Ok, I have really screwed up and I am sure you guys will crucify me which is fair enough but I woudl like some thoughts.

I was dating a guy for 3 years but due to his messy break up with his ex I decided that it would work better to keep our relationship a secret until she had found a new partner and was happy again. This however, basically gave him an excuse to cheat and he was effetively living a secret life.

We had sent some stupid texts while he remained with his ex and although they had agreed to split they were still living together and clearly they were stupid and caused her pain so I completely deserve the angst I am suffering knowing that I completely wasted my time and saw loads of friends marry and move their lives on while I waited on a cheater basically.

When he was found out as a cheat by us both he decided I could never forgive him and he has been working on things with her. I have been told so many lies by both him and her it seems.

I want the best for him and cheatign on me has made him happy and I guess you have to look after number one or else no-one else will. I am not bitter towards him and hope he is really happy.

My issue is that thinking about another relationship opens up all the old wounds - i wouldnt be able to say anything to him about my past and I am sure that I will be super paranoid which will drive him away for sure. And I guess I will always be wondering if he is truly happy or looking to trade me in for a better model.

My issue is that everything I read says surround yourself with friends, talk to people, get it off your chest etc but the only person I can talk to is him (and I am not in a position to confide in anyone else). I want the best for him and dont want a relationship with him again so it is not awkward in that sense but probably not that healing although I do feel better after speaking to someone about, getting upset, frustrated and trying to understand why.

Any idea please

[mami1323]

I think you are overanalyzing this.  He does not want to get caught, he wants to have you both.  He's not interested in making it work with her because if he were, he would cut off all contact with you.  I also don't understand your rationale about not forwarding the message from him because you don't get to hear what he has to say.  Well, what do you think he would say?  He would be caught, he would probably try to convince her that you are crazy and set this up.  It will not turn out good for you.  Again, I'm going to be blunt here, you are too preoccupied with this whole entire situation.  I understand you are hurt, granted, I don't blame you for that, you have every reason to be this way.  However, you are too focused on him, her, his happiness, and everything else.  Specialmom is right, you need to let him go and do things for yourself.  Now I feel like the broken record.

[specialmom]

I just keep trying to reiterate to you that in YOUR shoes I would have no contact with HIM.  I'm not sure what you are getting out of it.  There is this thing called secondary gain.  It is the reason we do things that are not in our best interest sometimes.  What is it that you get from remaining in contact with him?  It prolongs the situation and your being stuck in this place.  good luck

[whattodo435]

Hi - I do still have some feelings for him which I think is normal given how long we were together. They are not the same as when we were together of course and I dont want to be with him any more but I still care about him. In response to Mami, I dont want to set him up, I think that he is doing that for himself. And why do it if he is so happy?! I dont want to forward her his message - that is not going to be helpful - if we were to meet then at least I can hear what he has to say

It is clear that he wants his relationship with the other woman to work as he has invested in that heavily too and if that is what he wants then great. However, in his shoes I would make no contact with me as the risk of being uncovered as still being in contact would be too great so part of me thinks that he wants her to find out?? Weird right?

[Judy246]

Everything in "secret and with excuses" will come to light always! I feel that you still have feelings for him, but he wants to salvage his relationship. My advice,is, if you really want what is best for both of you, leave it alone. Step back and out and move on with your life. Never stay with someone who does not appreciate you, has proven to be untrustworthy and high risk for infidelity. Have self respect and dignity and know when a relationship is poison...time for reality check and move on.

[mami1323]

I honestly think you are setting yourself up for pain here. First how can you say you are happy for him and in the next breath want to set him up? That makes no sense. You're happy but want revenge? I think you are too wrapped up into him to see clearly. What I would do is kindly decline, change my number so he can't contact me again and move on with my life. If you go and they leave together you will look and feel dumb. That will be a total set back. Leave them to their relationship. She will find out soon enough what kind of guy she has. If you really feel like letting her know than forward her the message and be done with them both. Your absorption in all of this drama is not healthy.

[whattodo435]

Thanks - I am stil pleased for him rather than angry with what he did as he has made himself happy. However, it wouldnt have been the way that I would have chosen to behave.

Doea anyone else have view? I think that I will just send her a message to meet us at the restaurant and see what happens. He might leave with her and that woudl be a bit awkward but one of those things I guess.