Abusive wife

[bdoon]

am married man for 22 years..my wife from Central America. For almost my entire marriage my wife has periods where she accuses me of infidelity and won't talk or sleep with me. I have never cheated on her. Eventually she erupts , gets violent, has tried to stab me, beats on me, scratches me etc. I know if I touch her I will go to jail so I have to find a way out of these situations as quickly as possible. Sometimes that is not possible like when she is driving us at 95 mph down the interstate threatening to wreck the car and kill us both. Or she will act nice and I plan a big night out to a jazz concert or a weekend at the ocean and then she "stands me up" at the last minute...it hurts more than the physical abuse.

Why are we still married? Because it is not always bad and we actually have good time . Also I vowed to stay married for our son but he is now 21 years old and unfortunately he has adopted her bad temper but is more aware of his character defect than she is...he makes an effort to control his rage...she doesn't. She has a litany of every bad thing I ever did and will say disgusting things but goes to church and professes to be religous. She never initiates sex or even just playing...it is always me.After her violent episodes she acts like nothing has happened and she never apologizes for anything...maybe 3 times in 22 years. I have had to have the police intervene 5 or 6 times and twice they automatically assumed it was me who was the threat and treated me like a slug...throwing me against the wall, cuffing me...verbally abusing me. My wife laughs when the police leave because I don't press charges.

I am a somewhat attractive man and I know it...more than once young cute women have let me know they are interested but the price of an affair just seems like too much. What for? Sex? Most of the time I am too depressed or aggravated.or admittedly fearful.

However I met a woman thru business and we had strictly a professional relationship for 20 months. I began to notice how kind she is and it isn't just me...others notice it about her as well. She is intelligent and I find her physically attractive. Though I don't know her personal details very well I believe she came out of a bad divorce several years ago. She is so genuine. Though I know she is no angel she will often act like one when you need someone to help you.

I woke up one morning and realized I was as close to "being in love" (which I know is just brain chemistry) as I could be without intimacy. All of a sudden I am uptight around this woman and fear rejection by her. I even stepped out of our business relationship so I wouldn't see her so I could get her off my mind. It didn't work. I am in therapy trying to forget her.It isn't working.

Now I am trying to reinstate some contact with her because I fear I might never have another chance at happiness. Problem is I don't really know her and so don't know if I should actually take the steps to seperate from my wife. No way my wife will give me a problem-free divorce..murder me maybe but not divorce. I don't want to expose this woman to that **** but I am afraid to lose her to someone else...yes I am being selfish for once in my life.

Am I wrong?. Most everyone says 'get a divorce first" but with my wife that could take years and this wonderful woman will not be available that long...she has needs to and she is lonely...has told me that much. Am I wrong to pursue her?

[Michaelccc]

sounds like my psycho ex girlfriend. these people do not care about anyone except themselves. they are horrible miserable people that just want to hurt others and put others down. and they make you feel like you are the problem. dump her and move on to the nice sweet girl

[pheggie101]

WOW, your story is a mirror of mine. they sure can sway people and get sympathy can't they. I had 2 restraining orders filed against me by her. one got tossed and the other one was in effect when she came to me dope sick asking for help. it amazes me the courts go to their side. i have had knives,telephones you name it thrown at me, been threatened hit, choked and alot of stuff. But when it comes time for court they all side with poor little her and she lies......glad i am divorced she still is keeping it up but know what,i have no legal ties to her so............let her do it..........gosh your story is the same as mine, Jim

[bdoon]

Thank you for your advice...especially you itpays (are you from Thailand?) you just described my wife. You build up so much emotional scar tissue it is a miracle you can feel anything...though you hate to admit it when threatened with murder while sleeping you do store fear and hopelessness in layers that block love and sympathy. When this woman I am attracted to showed me kindness sometimes I would go home and weep uncontrollaby,,,not sure why and actually felt lucky that I was still receptive to emotions like that. A man doesn't like to admit that but I am what I am.

I am just taking it day by day though things are going to get real bad soon. My wife was supposed to accompany her boss to Germany on a business trip but the higher up "bean-counters" eliminated her slot so she can't go and all her pain will turn to anger no matter what I do. Also my older son , his wife and my granddaughter who have been staying with us and will be going home soon...this will really depress her which again will turn to pure rage. Maryland where we live does not permit audio recordings without permission but videos sans sound are ok (pretty weird).

I am just taking things a day at a time right now...keeping an extra set of clothes in my car in case I have to make a fast exit. We went six weeks without speaking though I made efforts...six months without making love and finally I had 2 weeks of normalcy with her...that is all about to change...I can feel it coming.

[itpays2keepthefaith]

Uncanny.  My wife's conduct was almost exactly the same, including false claims that I had a girlfriend and she had hard proof of it (she said this in front of my two minor children too).  I have been faithful for twenty years; never cheated, never dated, nothing -----  she was always the jealous type too, from the day I met her.

Sex situation almost identical and violence and threats exactly the same including her acting like nothing ever happened.  She actually tried to kill herself and my son on the highway.  

My wife is 50, and her temper and violence got worse and very out of control, with depression, when she went through menopause and also started to change some of her migraine medications (very powerful stuff) drink at least three glasses of wine during dinner time, and mix it with Xanax.

You are very lucky you have no minor children, as I am involved in custody issues in my divorce proceedings. It is very ugly and very few people believe that females are violent.  In fact my wife is an expert in gaining sympathy from people and telling lies.  My advice to you is be very careful and hire a tiger of an attorney immediately.  My wife shocked the hell out of me and the children by filing a 100% false Domestic Violence Petition against me, when I did NOTHING!!!  It got thrown out of Court, but the point is, if your wife is anything like mine, you are dealing with immeasurable anger, and deep rooted problems which you MUST protect yourself from.  If you can somehow get her to a good psychiatrist and psychologist, and she decides to fess up and be honest about her problems, then maybe you can salvage something.  You probably have spent a good amount of time since the day you met your wife, trying to bring her up and were blind from the beginning (chemistry/sex) to her problems.  This is no easy thing to deal with.  When my wife explodes, it is irreversable until she slams doors 25 times and then leaves in her car, flooring it through the streets.   You should speak to a shrink yourself too. I learned the hard way that being nice and nicer and then nicer to try to solve the problem is not necessarily the answer.  

Best advice:  Take videos if you can of her when she loses it.  Save evidence if you can.  If I had cameras in my house my children would still have a college fund ------ attorney and expert fees are huge.  caution:  depending on the State you live in, you might not be able to record voice without her consent.  Speak to your lawyer about getting a police detective involved who might give you a wire and/or a secret camera so you can defend yourself when she will undoubtedly claim she is 100% normal and has never had a temper or anger problem.  At least in my case, I have some proof problems and she benefits by the children being minors - - the Court's generally will preclude their testimony.  It is a horror show, and if there is some way you can get out now, outside of the courts, legally, and peacefully (the most important item) you must pursue it.

[Barbarella]

Don't know what to tell you, but hang in there.  If the other woman was meant to be you eventually will be together.  My grandmother always told me that when I was heartbroken about a boyfriend.  Of course that is no comparisement as in a marriage, but the pain is not much different.  However, I do believe in "if its meant to be it will be".  I know how you must feel right now going to work facing responsibilities with this hurt in your heart.  Eventually you will be happy again, right now you are going through a dark tunnel, but eventually there will be light at the end of that tunnel.

[bdoon]

Thank you all fror your feedback...in my particular case this "other" woman knows in general how I feel but I have never asked her out or anything....I really don't know how she feels. I did however find out she has started dating another man which naturally hurt me very much. I get home after I found this out and my wife starts in on me...not a good day. Not sure what I am going to do now...there is so much pain in me right now it is hard to see anything clearly.Thinking about just forgetting about the whole thing with this other woman, Not sure...it is 5 AM here on the East Coast, I am getting set to leave for work and I am not feeling very good and have a ton of stuff to do this week. Times like this I need help bad and I am learning not to push too hard and allow the Ultimate , the Great Spirit, God...whatever you choose to call, to give me direction and strength...thru other like youse and thru other means.

[bip]

AMEN

[Barbarella]

Well, if god sent her that man at church what can we say?  

Her behavior still bothers you even though you are dating somebody else.  Do you still have feelings for her?  If not, why don't you move on and put this abusive relationship behind you.  It doesn't really matter why she married this man, she did, he was sent by god as she says.  Maybe he was, that is why you have to find happiness for yourself now, and maybe this woman you are dating was sent to you by god also.

[pheggie101]

I like your wisdom,but it is conventional. my ex,well thas the first guy she dated.She said God sent him to her at church. It basically is being taken care of. ever since she was fired from her job 4 years ago she has a very menial income. i carried the load for the family financially. She left in Jan after meeting this man and moved to her moms. filed for child support (we had reconciled) and then got engaged in March,by the way after she came to me for sex 2 weeks earlier, moved in with him after the kids got out of school in June and married in July. Conventional?......nope.....Love Him?  Like my counselor said to me "Do not confuse wealth with money" She is being taken care of,thats about all of it, Jim

[Barbarella]

Jim,

You hit the nail on the head.  Its property.  What you described is a carbon copy of what a loved one of mine is going through right now.  I know EXACTLY how you feel.  

I'm glad you are dating now.  I do not know your ex nor can I look inside what she is thinking, but I'd think if a woman is still in love with her husband she'd not re-marry that quick, but hope he will come back to her some day.  Or she would date, but not the final step as in marriage just in case the man she is still "in love with" will come back.  Assuming she loves her new husband, that tells you right there that you are her "property".  And if she should still love you then it was very unfair to her new husband that she married him.  I know some people say you can be in love with two people, I don't buy that.  Not "in love".  But then again what do I know :)

Good luck to you.  I know you are going through hell.  There will be light at the end of the tunnel some day, lets hope its soon.

[pheggie101]

True,i am not sure if it is all ego,some is of course,but i feel it is "property". I am finally dating now after a horrid divorce and reconcilliation. And sure enough my ex has exploded. Legal threats,interrogation of our kids,profanity laced voicemails directed at the lady i am dating,lies about her. Does my ex love me?.....She has remarried so........no,but i was her property. She does not want me but she does not want anyone else to have "her man " either. Where do i stand on this? In the middle of her bullett stream. She has even gone as far as asking if i have been intimate with her yet. So is she over me and moved on? maybe? Is she struggling with her own ego? maybe? For every action there is a equal and opposite reaction,true in pyhsics as well as love and emotions.The oppssosite of love is not hate,although both strong human emotions,the opposite of love is indifference. And my ex is obviously not indifferent to me or us yet,and i pay for that. I think it all boils down to property.  Jim

[Barbarella]

The town we live in you can now divorce yourself without a lawyer for $10.00 that is what the divorce kit costs.  However, both parties have to agree on the divorce, not fighting over essets and kids.

[laura1977]

You know so many people get divorced every year because they quit when the going gets to hard for them to handle.  I think many marriages could've been saved if divorce wouldn't be so easy for people to do.  I think that if there is abuse, cheating, drugs, then a divorce should be granted as soon as possible, but for everyone else they need tighter laws regarding it.

[Barbarella]

You got to admit that there are tons of men on ego trips out there who do not love their wives/ex-wives anymore but still can't stand to see them with another man.  For some men its because they still love their wives, and for others its pure ego. Some of them want out when some wives beg them to stay, they still want out, some men already have other women, but they still can't stand the thought of their ex having sex with another man because this other man might do it better or longer or is better equipped.  Lots of times its love, but just as many times its pure ego trips why they can't stand the thought of their wives being with somebody else while the men are already screwing around.  I've worked with a woman who trashed her husband every chance she had, SHE put in for the divorce he didn't want a divorce, after their divorce somebody called her and told her that they saw her then ex-husband with another woman and she had a fit.  I asked her why she is having a fit over this after all he was the s.o.b 24/7 and she couldn't wait to divorce him, and she said "I don't love him anymore, but I feel insulted that he already has another woman".   Trust me, I believe that she didn't love him anymore.  

[bip]

WOW  i AGREE YOU DID HIT IT.....

[laura1977]

OMG you hit it right on the nose.  Almost like you are Dr. Phil!!!!!!!
Good advice.

[pheggie101]

Ok i have been in your exact same spot. exact.First, look up "paranoid personality disorder" you will be amazed as how that fits your wife. Look it up and learn. Second,for gosh sakes you can't start another relationship until you end this one.Even getting a divorce will not be the end. If you do divorce or before you do connect with your true feelings about your wife.If you have pangs of love or feelings then you are not done. You will know you are done when you become "indifferent",as a example if you were to see your wife out with another man,would you get angry? sorrowful?. would you imagine them having sex? If so then you are not done.If you would shrug your shoulders and say oh well turn the corner and not obsess about it then you would be "indifferent" and ready to start another relationship.If not then everything goes with you to the next realtionship and that my man is unhealthy. Hope this helps, JIM

[laura1977]

one other thing, have you guys looked into her being bipolar?

[laura1977]

Well, this is the classic case of a wife being overly jealous and concerned about cheating so much that it affects the marriage.  Most times the mate will go off a cheat because hey they are getting accused of it.
For you sake, I wouldn't do that though expecially since your wife gets to be violent just when she "thinks' you have cheated.  Can you imagine what she would do if you actually cheated.
Anyways, you don't fix a problem with your woman by going off a sleeping with another woman.  If you want out of your marriage then you tell your wife it is over, and then go persue this other woman.
Think about the other woman, your wife may threaten her.
If your marriage can't be healed, and my way of thinking is no abuse is good.  It doesn't matter how little it happens.  That is a deal breaker in a marriage.....................so is cheating though.

[Barbarella]

My grandmother always said when a woman or a man does not trust their spouse/is extremely jeleaus when there is No reason not to trust then she/he is probably screwing around themselves and therefore automatically think their spouse does the same.

If she gets that violent she needs to take some anger managemant classes.  The poster above is right the other woman will wait if her love for you is strong enough and if its meant to be, but you have to do the "pros and cons".  Make a list and write on the left "Pro" and put all the "good" stuff on there about your wife and your marriage, then on the right side of that list write "Con" and write all the negative stuff about her and your marriage, look at it, eveluate it, then decide what you want to do.

Your son is 21 yrs old.  I've seen to many spouses going through hell day in and out because they were afraid how the kid/kids feel in case of a divorce.  Your son is 21 and not there forever, he eventually will marry, move out or whatever.  If its true what you are saying that your wife has these outbursts for no reason and you do not give her reason to doubt you then I'm sure your son at age 21 can see that, and probably will even support you leaving her.

[slow_healer]

If you want to really seek happiness in a new relationship, your old relationship has to find a stable place in your life. Otherwise the problems will most likely spill over into your new relationship. Relationship issues are never solved by adding new people. It only complicates things.

If this new woman is really into you, talk to her about it. If it's real, she'll wait. She'll wait for when you two can be together without the burden of your abusive wife and messy divorce. It sounds like she cares about you, but wants to avoid a torturous affair.

In the meantime, don't give your abusive wife any reasons to justify her behavior. Talk to a lawyer. Get sound legal advice. Then get the process started.

Your son is old enough to understand why you two might want to divorce. Let him know that you still love him and he is still number one in your life. You're not abandoning him, but creating a better environment for him and you both. Surely the abusive relationship you have with your wife has not been healthy on your son.

You are not wrong, but you need to get your life set up right first.