his son makes me feel jealous

[Mayrita]

so ive been with my bf for over a year already, we live together and spend the majority of our time together. since we've known eachother i knew he had a baby. he wasnt really in his life though. because to my understanding he always told me he didnt want kids that it was an accident and he got really scared and tried to avoid the girl he got pregnant for as long as possible. but what made it hard 2 ignore her was the fact that his mom and brother still communicated with her because of the fact they knew she was pregnant with his baby. so he then decided that he was going to try and work things out with her. she was at the time living in arizona so he flew her out here to washington so they could try to work some things out. he wanted to try to do the thing. once she was here he realized it wasnt gonna work but he then grew close to his son. THIS WAS ALL BEFORE ME. so now his "baby mama" once again lives in arizona with the baby...hes almost 2 yrs old now AND SO CUTE. shes is now pregnant with her now boyfriends baby. but my bf baby comes up to visit every once in a while since they moved away. he came this past summer. but what my problem is is that i thought i didnt have a problem with him having a kid...but now it seems like i do. hes an amazing kid and ive grown to care for him so much. but its just that the last time he was here it seemed like my bf acted really different towards me. he would ignore me and get mad at me if he thought i did something wrong with the baby. which by the way i dont have any kids so i wouldnt know too much about taking care of a baby except the fact that i have 2 little brothers and sisters...and i helped take care of them all the time. so i was pretty knowledgable for the most part. he doesnt know pretty much anything abouthow to take care of a baby so he relied on me a lot..which was fine because i love kids. i guess my problem is is that i hate how different he acts towards me. like i dont matter or something. i know hes his kid and he deserves a lot of attention but still im the girl he says he loves and wants to be with...he shouldnt be treating me like this. he told me that he appreciated everything i did for the baby and that felt good. but he should show me in a better way other than make me feel unwanted. i dont say anything cuz i feel like theres already enough on our plate..theres a lot that needs work and i dont in anyway want to make him feel like i want him to pick sides...i would never ever do that. i need help!!!

[megochick101]

First let me just say, IMO(i dunno why people say this in a post since obviously it is their own opinion, but i keep doing it lol) You're bf does care about you, he does appreciate you. I know this because if he didn't care about you, YOU wouldn't be around his child at all. So feel good that he cares about you enough to include you in his childs life.

Now onto your problem. Even though it is his little boy, your bf has no right to treat you disrespectfully while he is around. like everyone said, just try and talk to him about it, I'm not saying you are lol but don't be judgmental and accusing.

Knowing guys, i'm sure he doesn't even realize what he's doing lol Good Luck

[lovemykids465]

I know my sister was in the same situation with her step son. He was 2 when she met his father and had the same problem. The thing is she did complain to her husband, then bf, about it and it caused a lot of stress in their relationship. After seeking counseling she realized she really wasn't jealous over the baby it was the babies mother. Even though she was no longer with the father, this child bound them together for life and deep down that really hurt my sister. The child is now 13 and he and my sister have a great relationship. They have primary custody of him, he calls her mom and she now has a 3 year old son with her husband.

She realizes that the boys mom is always going to be part of their life so she made an effort to befriend her. Now they don't go hang out but go to all school functions together.

I think you should talk to your bf and ask him what you can do together as a family when the baby is with you but do not blame him for not being there for you when the child is with him.

[Judy246]

I'm sure he is not doing it intentionally and feels stress when the child is around, because of his lack of parenting skills with a small child, that should be an opportunity to let your natural instincts to kick in, help him out and show how much you care for both of them. It is very important to find the right time to tell him how you have notice a personality change towards you when the child is present.  Good Luck. Judy

[teko]

When you have your own child, you love it immediately. When you are involved with someone who had a child with someone else, it is harder to bond with those children, especially because you know they come first and it is natural to feel displaced somewhat. In the times we live in this is more and more common and thus another thing to cope with right off the bat in a new relationship.

I think you need to communicate to your bf that you do not appreciate his treatment of you when the child is around. He may just be nervous and uptight and not realize how he is treating you. If you respectfully inform him and alert him to what he is doing and when, I bet he will stop.

[Judy246]

It's really important that you and your b/f communicate effectively at all times and discuss any issues that need to be addressed in the relationship. When you have a chance, have a talk (discussion or dialog) with him and tell him that you feel him distant when the baby is around if there is anything that he would like to address to you or talk to you about and tell him how you feel neglected when the baby comes for a visit. There is nothing wrong with telling him how you feel. His main responsibility in life is that child and the baby is dependent on both parenth although they are not together, but there is no reason why you both can't lovingly share him.

It's ok when the baby is visiting for him to give him his undivided attention and you should understand and be supportive and even pitch in and help out. That is appreciated, he will take notice and value you as a partner even more, but communication is key to avoid a relationship to disinigrate.  Good Luck, Judy

[AHP84]

This sounds like a personal issue for him, like he is still trying to come to terms in his mind how he feels about his son.
Since the baby's birth, he may have grown close with his child by now, but that doesn't mean he has figured out how he feels about being a father. And instead of directing that at his son (which is good), he's directing how he feels at you (not good, but at least it's not at his child).
I kind of have the same issue with my son's father. He is basically uninvolved in his son's life and lives halfway across the country from where we do. He hardly ever keeps in contact with his son and from the very beginning, has absolutely NO clue how to relate with his child and act like a dad. However, even though he's almost permanently absent from his child's life, he still loves his son. Odd way of showing it, but he does. He's just never made the effort to be a better father; I think he's too afraid to try. And that's his choice. I tried for years to give him every opportunity to be his son's daddy--our son is going to turn five years old in about 3½ weeks--but he has decided to basically withdraw himself from our son's life. Now my son thinks of his stepdad as his dad, and my husband treats him and loves him like his own child. They've formed a VERY tight bond with each other.
But what I'm getting at is that, to this day, as much as I make sure all doors are open for my son's father to get involved in his life, I am the one that ends up getting treated like cr@p by him; he usually turns the tables of blame on me in some way such that I interfere with the fact that he's never been able to be the "dad" that he could be. It's good that we live such a great distance from each other now, because as much as I try to stay civil, he causes a lot of stress for me and goes out of his way to make situations stessful, it seems.
Ultimately, however, I know it comes down to the fact that he has extreme insecurities with himself, and how he hasn't lived up to everything he could be (and still can be) for his son. Instead, he withdraws himself, and when he does get involved on seldom occasions (like a 5-10 minute phone call), he gets an attitude with me half the time over simple issues. He's a difficult person to deal with, but it's mainly his insecurities causing the problem.
Anyway, maybe there's a way that you can talk to your boyfriend about this; ask him how he feels about the relationship he's forming with his child. If you sense that he gets defensive and insecure, or depressed, then offer to help him find a way to better his situation for himself, his son, the bond he can form with his son, keeping the civility between his ex and himself, and continuing to offer the help you do when the child comes to visit. Maybe that will help. He could just be overwhelmed about how he feels as a father at a time when he was not ready to be a father, but now he loves his child and he's just not sure how to nurture that relationship.