how do I help my sister?

[peaceisagift]

My whole life my sister has been a very jealous, very verbally abusive, hateful and unloving human being. I grew up thinking it was just sibling rivalry and that she'd grow out of it. I also grew up thinking she hated me. As a child she had problems academically and my mother tried to have her tested for Special Ed. My mom's attempts to have her tested were put-off or ignored year after year. When they finally did test my sister my mother was told that my sister probably had a slight Learning Disability, BUT there were so many other students far worse than her that needed the help, so they did not help her at all. So my sister grew up knowing she was not as smart as the other kids in her class.
As an adult she got married and soon had 2 kids. I thought she would love them so much the verbal abuse would stop, but no she was worse than ever. She verbally abused them and her husband.
As her relationship strained the verbal abuse turned to physical abuse towards her children. Her husband didn't know what to do and took her to a mental health clinic, which he claimed she asked him to do. They did not lock her up or evaluate her because she was not threatening to hurt herself. They did, I'm not sure if it was this instance of later, diagnose her with adult ADHD and said she had signs of clinical depression. She's recently moved out into my elderly mother's garage. She cannot hold down a job because her attitude and lack of concern towards anything but herself and the drugs she uses. That's another thing she an addict. She smokes pot mostly, but will take any opiate not prescribed to her, as well as speed and anything else she is ever given,
She is the most unhappy, hateful person I know. She tells her children "F**k You" to their face although she hadn't even seen them in months and months (they live witht their dad-thank God). She is verbally abusive to my eldery mother and demands money from her constantly while calling her horrible names like "Stupid" and other choice words I won't repeat.  My parents were very loving when we were kids I don't understand how she turned out the way she did
I know I was suppose to type a question, but I am so DESPERATE I needed to vent and talk this out to someone, anyone. Please help me, please help my family, help her family. What do I do? How do I help her? Where do I take her? There is something wrong. I know. It's not just hate with her. There is something wrong. Dead wrong. Please help us.

[brice1967]

Everyone's right about her getting help.  If she doesn't want help, she won't get it.  No excuses necessary.... those are the simple facts.  One has to want help in order to get help and one has to be strong enough to do all of the work necessary to make that help matter.

As a depressed and addicted individual, you sister probably perceives you and your mother wanting her to get help as "nagging" or "picking fights".  That is the depression and the addiction standing in the way of rational thought.  She probably sees you as attacking her when you are really pleading with her to get some help.....

Specialmom's advice about enabling is really dead on.  As much as you and your mom care, you are enabling you sister.  Letting her stay, letting her remain verbally abusive, letting her not keep up on her meds is all enabling.  I know its hard to show that tough love, but it is necessary in order to give her the necessary nudge for her to get herself help.

Not that it will be any help, (hope it is though) I've written in my journals here about my depression and how so many other cases mirror it.  I've tried to paint a picture of how a clinically depressed person thinks and feels.  If you have a minute, go check that out... maybe it will help you see what your sister is going through.  With that said, the above posters have done a wonderful job 'cliff noting" the subject.

Good luck.

[specialmom]

Oh, now I see your second post.  Your mom is refusing to make her leave.  Is there a dad in the picture, an uncle, etc?  I would tell your mom that she must pay rent, be employed or she has to go.  If she does not want to . . .  there is a resource you could use, the police.  I'd be really tempted to A.  call the police about her drug use.  And B/ your mom could call them to remove her from her home.  Tough love is not a cliche but rather a way of saying "enough already".  She's not taking care of herself and it is spilling over to others lives.  

You also need to not enable.  Please please please go to al anon.

Please see that you can love and worry about someone without contributing to their downward spiral.  

and you also need to understand that you are not responsible for your sister or your mother if your mother refuses to stop enabling her.  You are entitled to support from afar and not be involved.  It is the healthy thing to do for your own emotional well being.  

Peace and luck.  

[specialmom]

Well, prozac doesn't create a high of any sort and is an antidepressent as I'm sure you know.  The others are narcotic pain relievers.  That she lost interest in her job when she ran out of prozac makes sense.  I can't tell you how often addiction and depression go hand in hand.  It does sound like she would qualify for medicaid which would provide medical coverage for her.  With no income, she's below the poverty line.  If she'd try to get help with her mental health issues, maybe there is a chance but sadly, she may find this as another avenue to pursue prescription narcotics.  

I am going to be dead honest here.  I know you are worried about her.

But I am worried about your mom.  I think you need to convince your mom to live elsewhere.  I think you both should attend al anon meetings.  

You can ask your sister to see a doctor for depression.  That is a good place to start.  But in reality, she's an adult and as long as people DO everything for her to enable a lifestyle that she has, she probably will continue along the same path.  

So, support your mom and stay strong yourself.  It's sad.  Wishing you luck

[peaceisagift]

I've asked my mom several times to move in with me, she won't do it. That is her house. She has asked my sister several times to move out, but that hasn't worked. Most of the time my sister stays in the garage and leaves her alone, until she quits another job and is around more than usual.
My sister does want help, but lacks the determination or know how of where to go or who to ask.I have heard her say "if I knew how to get help, tell me where to go" but without a job or medical insurance, what do you do? I assume her ADHD prohibits her from focusing on her problems or solutions. As I previously posted, she wants everything done for her; all her problems solved for her.
As far as enableing her, I guess I do. I'm just trying to help the situation. I pray and pray, but yesterday was my breaking point, I cried out, publically.

[peaceisagift]

Everday she smokes pot. I don't know how much, but I would estimate about a joint an hour. Now for the opiates, I don't know. I've seen her take Loritabs and Demerol, because that's what she said they were. I'm not even sure if those are both opiates. When she first moved in with my mom, she was taking prescription Prozac that wasn't even prescribed to her, but to someone else.Funny thing is (if you want to describe as that) she was able to hold a job the longest when she was on this medication (6 months). As soon as she ran out of this medicine, she lost interest in her job or like always, found something wrong with it. She does not like people. She doesn't like anyone, so she sure doesn't like working with the public, but will not pursue any type of career either. She has lived with my mom for 2 years and has had over 20 various menial jobs.
The sad thing is she is crying out. In her own abusive, horrible way. She wants everything laid before her, done for her. She says she wants help (I've heard her openly say this) but she doesn't have the determination or know how to get it done and without a job or medical insurance, I don't know how to help her either.

[specialmom]

I am also very sorry to here this.  Sadly, you really can't do anything to help her.  She's deep into whatever is going on whether it is addiction, mental health issues (depression or even bipolor or borderline personality) or horrible habits she's learned.  She isn't asking for help and will resist all attempts.

The person you can help is your mom.  I'd take her to some al anon meetings to learn how to still love an addict but not be part of the addiction.  Could she move in with you?  (your mother that is).  If she rents, I'd end the lease.  I would just encourage your mom to get away from your sister.  Then you can tell your sister that when she is willing to take responsibility and face her problems, you will help her.  But everyone has to stop enabling her.

She does sound deeply troubled.  But sadly, you can not save her.  she has to save herself.  Peace and luck to you

[quitinoxys]

Wow I am sorry to hear all of this. Your sister sounds like she has absolutely no direction in life and doesn't care to. How much an what drugs is she abusing? We need this info to give you the best advice possible.

Also if your sister doesn't think she has a problem there is nothing you or anyone else can do until she admits she has a problem.