how do I live with a liar

[GG_]

Hi please help me i need some advice as im going out my mind. Sorry its a long one. Ive been with my boyfriend now the father of my child for 4 years. We now own a house together and I changed my name so that we could all have same surname. The problem is 2 years ago I realised that he was a very big liar when I discovered he had lied to me about owning a house! That sounds Ridiculous I know and what a complete fool I was to stay with him. He had previously told a couple of smaller lies that i had forgiven him for and figured he was trying to impress me. I have always been a high earner and he earned very little and I didn't mind paying for things and had the security of the fact the atleast he had a house. Or so I thought . I have moved 40 times in my life , my parents had me in and out of 12 different schools and my career has had me in a new place every year. I think this has left me feeling insecure and struggle with attachment issues. Anyway the day I found out the truth about this house actually belonging to his parents and not him was the day we were both moving abroad together so I had to make a decision leave or try and work it out with him. ( Hes 38 Btw and im 33 )So I tried to work it out with him. 7 month later I decided I couldn't be with him as we were arguing lots and there was no trust in the relationship and very little respect. there were times when the arguements got physical. nothing major but i slapped him around the face and he pinned me up against a wall and pushed me . so i left but then I found out I was pregnant! I decided to give it another shot as I was carrying his child. Things improved between us and the day I gave birth to my son was the happiest day of my life i felt like i had fallen back in love with him i trusted him and respected him and what had gone on previous was all in the past, and then 1 month later I discovered that he had been logging on to hard core porn sites several times a day for 2 years. He had told me that he had never used porn and I believed him as he knew that my previous boyfriend had hurt me massively visiting lap dancing bars regularly and had seen evidence of call girls. I don't think my current boyfriend has actually cheated but I will never know the whole truth as he has lied and covered things up so much. When I found out about his constant porn habits I was devastated I felt like our hole relationship was a lie . I was a new mum who had given up my career all to settle down with him and he had betrayed me and threw it in my face. I left for a couple of nights with our son and then came back. He promised he wouldn't go on the sites again and that he would make more effort in the bedroom department as it was me who always made the moves . Even the week after our son was born I couldn't have intercourse with him but I tried to please him sexually in other ways as I didn't want to let down his needs down. Bigger fool me i didn't realise he was w******* off to porn several times a day. Anyway a few months passed and I found it extremely difficult and started seeing a therapist as my father had also passed away In this time after a serious car accident he had had 18 years before hand and had been left severely brain damaged. I begged him never to lie again and told him how his lies were destroying our relationship and that if he wanted to regain trust he had to earn it. he promised he wouldn't lie again. Then I discovered he had lied about smoking and he had been smoking for 2 years and pretending he quit years ago . I had questioned the smell on him several times and he denied it. I then left for a couple of days and then walked in on him wanking to porn ! i was destroyed again. i left but then came home as at the time I  was getting all kinds of tests done as i was unwell. I tried my best to make him understand the hurt he caused but it hasnt worked i have Just discovered he has also lied about  gambling not a huge amount but he told me he had spent £20 when in actual fact it was almost £70! I have just bought a house with him and the main reason I did this was so that I didn't have to move on without him and start again as I have had so much change in my life that I don't feel I can cope with more. I have a generalised anxiety disorder and these lies are making me worse, I get very depressed and I feel like the stress of life has physically affected my actual brain, I feel I'll at times and when we argue as much as I try not to shout and scream it always ends up this way. I'm living in a new town with no friends or family other than his, my mother has mental Health issues so I can not talk to her, I have a high pressured job where I now have to work away 3 times a week. The job I was doing previously was easy but my partners job paid peanuts so I negotiated with my boss to give my partner my old job and that's why I have taken on a high pressured one that takes me away from my son and him and I don't trust him about anything anymore. How can I be with him if I don't trust him. He blames me for the lies that I over react but my response to that is that he doesn't give me the chance to react because he covers the truth up and then in actual fact it's the lie that I kick off about. I'm so fed up I always question if i even love him anymore as he has betrayed my trust and hurt me so much but tbh I don't have the energy and strength to get out as life has worn me out and we just bought this house. I don't know what to do I have tried but I feel lost and lonely and worn out please help  

[Londres70]

Well............obviously lying is ONE of his issues.  Why he can't seem to tell you the whole truth........?  Only he knows that.  I can tell you since you keep putting up with his nonsense, i.e. taking him back, forgiving him for this and that and reorganising your life for him, i.e. taking a higher paying job with MORE stress and MORE time away for the money because he isn't earning much, changing your name so that all of you have the same surname.............the list probably goes on and on.  Sounds exhausting.

Well, that leaves more time for him..... for the porn, smoking, gambling and concocting lies to tell you.

Sounds like you have TWO children instead of one.  Why are taking care of this grown man?  He never really had anything to offer you in the first place.  You really could of purchased your OWN home as I really don't see how that was a "big attraction" for you to stay with him and then in the end the house wasn't even his.  Even the sex is nothing.  You are giving more than you are getting.  

"How to live with a liar?"..........Hmmm, if you are rational you won't.  Until he sees he has a problem the situation will NEVER change IF you stay.  It will ONLY change for sure if you LEAVE.

"How can I be with him if I don't trust him. He blames me for the lies that I over react but my response to that is that he doesn't give me the chance to react because he covers the truth up and then in actual fact it's the lie that I kick off about."......Without trust you have NO relationship.  Of course he blames you because he knows how to work you, i.e. he pulls the blame card and you internalize the situation putting 100% responsibility on yourself for ALL the problems in the relationship.  It's nothing more than manipulation at its best which a great liar is good at......manipulating situations and people, e.g. YOU.

"there were times when the arguements got physical. nothing major but i slapped him around the face and he pinned me up against a wall and pushed me."..............You should have ended things after that even if you were pregnant.  

Do you have the deed to this house?  Is the house in your name?  Is he working?

"The job I was doing previously was easy but my partners job paid peanuts so I negotiated with my boss to give my partner my old job and that's why I have taken on a high pressured one that takes me away from my son and him and I don't trust him about anything anymore."........Are you referring to your bf or a work partner?  I am confused about this.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi also. A couple of things. Hes not bad, he has to much time on his hands and yourve developed a somewhat mother son relationship. The key is that you make good money and hes kicking back. Porns not the issue, clubs are not the issue and gambling is not the issue and lieings not the issue as most men partake in these in their lifes at one time or another.
He has to step up to the plate and get involved in getting his career going and stop counting on you to bring all the good things in life to the family.
I see this happening all to often where men are now expecting the women to support them in the life style they want.
Just tell him to grow up an get is act together and get involved in society to become successful.

[specialmom]

No, that isn't really what I meant.  HE is responsible for his end of it but you probably contributed in your won way to things is well.  You were not the cause but rather your communication style and the mothering role you've seemed to fallen into makes the situation worse.  

That was all I was trying to point out.  And THAT is what is within your control.  Truth is, we can't fix anyone but ourselves.  Hopefully, especially since you have a child together, he'll be able to work on things and this can get better.  I really do hope for that.

But one thing that will help that along is to take a different approach.  Like the one you did with smoking---  treating him like he is able to make the decision to smoke but that it just doesn't work for you so he has a choice of how to handle it.  He chose the electric cigarette.  That is a success story for working through an issue to a reasonable compromise for you both.  

The pattern you describe in your first post is similar to the trap that some couples fall into.  I was just trying to point that out to you by describing your end of it and his end of it.  You are the more powerful, smarter, more responsible adult and he is the one who is the child, makes bad choices, and screws up.  When this relationship style evolves between a couple, it often kills it.  I was just trying to make you aware of it but not to put you down or to put the blame on you.

It is easy for me to commiserate and say that your boyfriend is just a knucklehead.  Which he is absolutely being.  But it doesn't really help you for me to just say that in my opinion.  So, I was trying to give you some ideas for how you can work on you to move this relationship to a different place.

I think he has an addiction to porn from what you've written which is a big problem.  He too should see a counselor.  I wonder if he is depressed as well. sometimes treating the root cause such as depression or anxiety will help someone need the 'go to' self medicating thing (like using porn for release two times a day or more).  Worth a shot.  But you have to communicate about it in a way that doesn't make him shut down or feel ashamed.  

That was my main point and sorry if I worded it in such a way to make you feel like I blamed you for all the relationships problems.  I absolutely don't.  He's to blame for things on his end.  I just think that you may have to fine tune how you deal with him and try to make it less about him being in trouble and more about him overcoming his issues.  Does that make sense?

[GG_]

Thanks for your reply . I have really tried to address the smoking in a supportive way and he is now using electric cigarette . I am aware that I have issues myself and therefore see a therapist weekly and go to a Buddhist meditation weekly for stress and anxiety. I did not get with my partner out of pitty. i fell in love with him because i knew him for 3 years previous he was a friend and I thought he was a caring gentle character. I may have been successful in my career but I also feel inferior to many others and put this down to my father leaving and my mothers rejection.  It sounds from ur response that u think the cause of the problems stem from my behaviour and not his. Maybe ur right but it doesn't feel that way for me. I have begged him not to lie to me and it tears me apart being with someone I do not trust yet he still does it. I don't see how I can live with someone who repeatedly lies to me . Yes I have issues and I'm doing all I can to rectify this but it doesn't excuse him watching porn daily or lying to me about things because he hasn't given me the chance to come to me with a problem and see my reaction and I have asked him to do this many times . I don't know what to do I've tried to fix myself I've tried to help fix him but nothing has worked and now I feel very lonely and depressed

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Well, I notice a running theme in what you've written.  Your constant disappointment in him.  That must be hard on you but equally hard on him.  No one wants to live with someone who they never seem to please.  I imagine he's lied because you make him feel small and inferior.  AND he doesn't want to get in trouble with you.  

From the very beginning of what you've written, it felt a bit like he was a pity case to you.  His career wasn't great, he had little in terms of assets but this house.  Perhaps he said it is his because his parents plan on giving it to him when they pass?  Did you ever ask him why he had lied about that?  If you're wonderfully successful ---  he still very well may have been trying to impress you.

This by no means would indicate I condone lying.  I really don't.  But the dynamics here may be important for where you go next.

As to smoking.  well, I personally think that can be a deal breaker.  But the guy likes to smoke.  There is an addictive quality to smoking.  Instead of sniffing him up when you see him---  talk about what is going on.  Adult to adult rather than what seems to be happening . . . he is like the teenage son who is being bad and mom just caught him.  Again, don't get me wrong.  I think you have a right to be irritated but I would handle it differently so that you stay equals and you don't fall into that trap many women do which is to play the mother role.  HE is an adult and if he chooses to smoke, he can explain that to you.  You can explain why you don't like smoking.  You can talk about it as two equals that are both due respect and work it out.  Maybe he needs the patch and would agree to that but he won't be willing to discuss this if he is treated like a child about it.  

Which brings me to the porn.  Ugh,  I'm not a fan of porn.  And he sounds like he does have an issue with his usage.  Perhaps an addiction in which he could use some counseling to help him back off of it.  But I also think porn is a release for some that is simple and much easier than waiting for a partner (who is often angry, looking down on, sniffing for smoke, wishing you made more money or was more ambitious, etc.) for sex.  

Instead of being furious that he is using porn as he is, talk about it adult to adult with respect. WHY is he using it so frequently?  Is it masking depression (as many addictions do)?  Is there anything you can do to help him?  You are clear that porn is something you do not approve of but want to help him if he has a problem with it.

Now, you mention you slapping him and then him pinning you to the wall.  If you were slapping him first, he had a right to pin you.  I would address your anger issues.

I am trying to say that from what you've written, the problem isn't just him.  You picked a man you felt superior to and have mothered him into a neurotic mess.  My guess is that he is probably deep down as unhappy as you as no man likes to be emasculated like this.  And while he has some very bad habits and his lying is infuriating and needs to stop---  you have your own things that have contributed to the demise of this relationship and unless you address those within yourself, you will have relationships like this over and over because of how you deal with conflict.  

You are not alone.  Many women do fall into this trap.  We can only control ourselves in life.  So, I encourage you to take another tact to try to resolve these issues.  And if they can't be resolved, you sound like a strong women that can create a life for you and your child away from this man.   good luck