how long should I wait?

[mikeysmom750]

I dont know if this is the correct community to post this but I have been unable to find one more tailored. My husband and I just suffered a miscariage in march. Since, him and I's relationship has gotten so bad! There is no communication, we barely touch, kiss...the spark is gone. There is alot of fighting whenever I attempt to discuss what is happening. I do not know if he is unable to cope or what but its driving me away from him. I dont know how long I should wait until I can actually say we need help! Everyone I say it too, reply with "its normal" or "give it time" but everyday that goes on like this, under these conditions, is another of absolute misery for me! I wouldnt mind going to therapy but he refuses! How long should I wait until I can say to him that he needs to go, which will cause a huge issue, if not handled properly! I dont want to go alone, I will if I haveto I guess...but what is the point in one of us healing and trying to get through this and not the other? I want my husband back. I want my marriage back.....I dont care if its only been a fw months....to me, its a few months too much!!!!

[RockRose]

Ebin,  it's really helpful in cases like this go to go the poster's profile and get a more detailed account of what's going on.  Her "mood" statement has been changed,  but it was heartbreaking and desperate sounding.  

I really pray that the psych eval she scheduled for yesterday was helpful to her.  

[Ebin]

Sorry if I read it wrong, I'm still reading it wrong then. It keeps sounding like she suffered a miscarriage, they both got depressed over it. But now the husband is moping around While the wife is trying to be proactive and even goto therapy. And I never said she wasn't a good wife. But the way I read it, it doesn't sound like she is the problem it sounds like he is. It doesn't sound like she needs help at all, it sounds like he is having an identity crisis or keeps thinking of the miscarriage she had and refuses to get intimate because he doesn't want to deal with another miscarriage. Which is entirely selfish in my opinion which is why I keep saying it's not an issue with her, it's an issue with him.

[mami1323]

Ebin that isn't what's happening.  She suffered a miscarriage and her husband has pulled away because it's been so long and he has healed and she hasn't.  It's leading to arguments and he's not leaving her because he wants to spread his seed.  She is a good wife, she's just struggling.  Your advice is not helpful at all.  

[Ebin]

Most women's pregnancies end up in miscarriage. Most of the time even if you do get pregnant it will not stick and will come out in your next period without you even knowing (Because pregnancy tests cannot tell until that fertilized egg actually sticks). But if he is going to divorce you because you can't have kids... Well obviously his priorities are 1. Spread my genes 2. Have a good Wife.

[Njsweetnlight]

That is a horrible thing to go through and everyone handles things differently. However, I 100% think you should go to counceling now and if he refuses than you can go by yourself. Having a miscarriage is a horrible thing to go through especially if you were far along. I pray that you will get through this time of grievance.

[Ashelen]

I agree with rockrose. I too suffered a miscarriage (in 2008) and the feelings of despair and anxiety followed me for awhile. However, I have read some of your posts and I do NOT mean to sound harsh, but I think that it's time you seek help. Your reaction is normal, but it's continued to go on and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Everyone grieves differently, but at this point your grief is interfering with every part of your life, and that is NOT normal this far out from the loss. You have to seek help; I think your husband is feeling frustrated and helpless. He probably is beginning to heal and the fact that you're still stuck in limbo makes it impossible for him to let go and start the healing process, and it may even make him feel guilty because he feels ready to let go and you don't. You need to talk with him about your feelings of grief and explain that its OK for him to let go and heal even if you can't yet...and you need to seek therapy and (I would recommend) medication to help you cope with these overwhelming feelings.

You have to remember that no matter how much a miscarriage hurts (and it does hurt LIKE HELL,trust me I remember) it is a tragic part of life that many many women go through and at some point you have to be able to let go and move forward for your beautiful babies that you have with you now. A therapist can help you do this and come to terms with your loss. I do NOT think your husband needs to go with you, I really think you should go alone. I think that the issues in this case are mostly yours (not to accuse, but you seem to be having the biggest emotional trouble adjusting and his attitude SEEMS like a reaction to yours) and that you need help without him there, so you can be honest with the therapist. Like I said after reading some of your other posts I really don't think that your husband is having trouble healing; I think he's having trouble showing you the fact that he's healing because you're still so depressed about it he's probably afraid you'll think the baby didn't mean anything to him if you see him letting go.

Pleasepleaseplease PLEASE go seek some individual therapy, and I would highly recommend medication, THIS WEEK. do not wait. you've suffered long enough, and you do not need to suffer the loss of your life partner in your marriage as well. Help yourself, and I promise you'll see a big change in your relationship with your husband. Best of luck and my heart breaks for you. I still miss the baby that might have been sometimes, but I conceived my daughter 2/3 months later and I wouldn't have her if things hadn't turned out like they had. She is the light of my life and reminds me to be thankful every day, and that helps me remember my pregnancy with a smile for all the happy little moments instead of tears for the loss. Hang in there and please get yourself some help, you deserve it, your babies deserve it, and your marriage deserves it.

[specialmom]

Rockrose, you are always so good at reading those profiles!  That is exactly right.  I didn't read your profile but could tell that some type of mental health issue was most likely at play in the situation.  Panic that is left untreated can be debilitating.  I really do urge you to seek therapy for this.  I'd think that a psychiatrist would be your first stop to find out if medication is necessary and then talk therapy along with that either with the psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist.  Medication combined with talk therapy is the best course of treatment for panic attacks and severe anxiety and until you address this, it will take a toll on your whole family.  (that includes your two children.)  

So, I urge you to seek treatment for anxiety and as you treat this, then  you can begin to work on the marriage.  As I said, when our brain chemistry is a little askew, it clouds all else and makes it harder to deal with.

I wish you the best of luck and success with this!

[RockRose]

mikeysmom,  I'm sorry for your pain.  You don't say how far along you were,  but I had two early miscarriages and I understand the disappointment of that,  and certainly losing a baby further along would be even more painful.

I read your profile.

I think the answer here is getting help for yourself,  and your marriage will improve with that.

Men are "fixers".  If you have something that needs to be fixed,  they're there.    If you have a constant,  ongoing,  pervasive problem that is not improving,  they shut down in frustration and pain.  

This is what causes divorces in cases where there is a tragedy - and it's so common.  Men want to fix things up and move on,  and women don't necessarily - many women find comfort in continuing to discuss their pain and anxiety.

I think your husband is on an island of helpless frustration,  not being able to do anything for you to help you out.  

I think you need individual therapy,  maybe a course of anti anxiety meds temporarily,  a pattern of vigorous exercise if you are able to do that physically,  and your husband will come back around.

Best wishes.  You have two blessings in your two healthy children,  I hope you can recover for them.

[teko]

This is such a devastating loss for both you and your husband and can be different for each couple going thru it so even if it may be normal, that certainly does not provide much comfort does it? Both above have given great words of comfort but I think if the communication between you and your husband does not improve soon, you need to look for outside help. Therapy can help open those lines of communication for both of you. Sometimes the pain we feel is so intense it hurts even more to talk about it and so we dont in fear that we will either crumble emotionally or make it so much worse on our partner. Sometimes we feel like if we just keep it in, it will go away, and sometimes it does. But if you are fighting and avoiding communication as a result of this, then it is now the time to get help. You have suffered enough loss, dont let it ruin your marriage as well.

[specialmom]

I too am so sorry for your loss.  Miscarriage can cause such intense feelings in both a man and a woman.  You have the added complication of hormones that are getting back to normal and that too can cloud things just a bit.  

Do you think either of you have a low level of depression?  That would certainly create a situation of additional strife in a relationship.  Depression is highly treatable and should be dealt with if present as it will cloud all things until it is.

I'm a huge fan of therapy.  And actually before a couple enters a crisis mode is the best time for it.  So, I'd ask your husband to do some couple's therapy with you.  If there is suspicion of any depression in either of you, that is important to mention to the therapist.  Then they can see if they agree at which point, a trip to your doctor would be important to treat the issue.  But overall, therapy can help you sort out the feelings of this loss and help you reconnect as a couple.

And reconnection is what sounds like is in order.  Some 'lighthearted' good times in which you enjoy each other's company.  This can be hard when you have heavy things on your mind.  My husband and I have gone on 'fun' dinners before in which we have both brought ideas for conversation to the restaurant.  It was all fun stuff to talk about--------- current events, vacation ideas, etc.  Any "issues' could wait and the point was to just enjoy each other's company.  That has worked for us to take a step back and remember that we do love being with each other and being a couple. You could take a walk at night, plan a vacation together, etc.  But reconnect.  

I wish you a lot of luck!

[Sarajmt]

Oh I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  That is certainly a devastating loss.  And you and your husband have my heartfelt sorrow.

I'm certainly not a therapist but I would think that the next time you see him would be the time.  Obviously and understandably, there are a lot of unresolved emotions swirling inside you both.  I would think the sooner the better.

Someone else will be along soon.  I hope they can give you better advice than I.  And again, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Sara