how to trust again

Question

Please help !My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years .  In April of last year I found out that he has been smoking crack  for about a year .Two weeks after that i  also found out that he made a  friend with one of his female coworkers and has been going to her house for 3  months ,hanging out with her and her friends behind my back.He's 46,her25!   During that period Of time ,without any knowledge about his drug abuse or this girl I started seeing another guy.He spend nights at my house,took me out for dinners and movies. I was honest from the begining with my boyfriend about this new relationship.  I know it was wrong and  I deeply regret it . Maybe at the time I have had a feeling that something was going on with my boyfriend maybe I was feeling distant I don't know. Here is my problem .and its driving me crazy and it's driving me into depression.  We have decided to save our relationship but i fear that  I'm  more committed than he is. And I don't trust him. I'm constantly questioning him , checking his phone, spying on him outside of his work work .I have lost my job over this issue. I know  we both betrayed each other , but I also know that I would never do it again not to him not to anyone else . But how can I know that he changed. he says he is a new person now/  I forgott to mention he also came clean about looking at porn on internet ,masturbating to images and/or thoughts of other women, and he claims he doesn't do that anymore/.  should I trust him? That co-worker girl is still working with him but he claims he doesn't talk to her at all anymore. He also told me they were other girls at work that he was attracted to for a long period Of time,one in particular , and all of this during our 8 years together.I fell like all those years were a lie.I dont know what to do.Im desperate and miserable. We will go for a few days without fighting and then we will be at the bar and I will accuse him off looking at the waitress,and then it all starts again. Please give me some advice I think there is something to be saved here,I think we both made a mistake, I just don't know how to forgive and trust again .

Chima7 · Accepted Answer

If it were me, I wouldn't trust him anymore. Both of you guys did wrong but he had the added issue of smoking crack. Do you realize how addictive that stuff is? I guarantee he is still doing it. You can't just smoke crack casually without getting addicted. Knowing that, why would you want to stay with him? That's a whole other can of worms that you really don't want to get involved with. When you add in the cheating on top of that, forget about it. It's broken beyond repair. Cut your losses and get out before this completely destroys you.

Nighthawk61 · Answer

You're not going to be able to trust if he's still showing signs of lying. I'm so sorry, i feel for you. It's hard to leave after you've made a lie with someone for that long. I know, cuz i had to leave my first husband. I'm glad I did. There is life after mayhem. I'm so happy and content and I never thought it could be possible. One thing, it wasn't going to happen holding on to the wrong guy. So, keep strong, and keep your resolve to get to a better place and it will be done. Private message anyone on here you'd like. We'd all love to help you get through the hard times, and there will be some down the road, maybe some lonely days. But, nothing worthwhile isn't worth waiting and working for. The right guy is out there waiting for you to get through your   first year away from this guy. Make sure that you talk to your therapist about how you want to do everything right before getting into another relationship. ie. reasons you accepted this for so long? Best of luck gf. I'll be rooting for you too!!!! Liz

Chima7 · Answer

I was dating a guy for 8 years, the first three were good and the last 5 years were complete hell. We kept breaking up and getting back together. Looking back on it now, 12 years later, I am more angry with myself for staying with him as long as I did. It was the stupidest thing I ever did. And I resent myself for doing that to me. Yea it was hard at first, because despite the fact that I hated him by that point, I was too used to him being around and that's what made it hard for me. But then I realized one day that I was actually free for the first time in 8 years and once I had that epiphany, it was like this HUGE weight was off my shoulders!

Once you break free from this toxic and unhealthy relationship, you will feel better than you have in a very, very long time. He is no good for you and I know that you know that. And the longer you stay, the more it will keep damaging you. So you have to make the choice to choose yourself, your health and your well being over him. Of course you'd be better off without him in your life! That is a guarantee as much as staying with him will continue to destroy you. It's time to choose you and put you first.

editajane · Answer

I really appreciate your input , it made me feel a little better just to know that somebody cared enough to answer me.My self esteem is shattered. I would love to leave him but I really don't know how to do it after 8 years.If only i could let go of the past i feel i could be whole again.He has been clean since may of last year with an exception of 2 singled cases/as far as i know/ .But i did catch him lying about little things since,so i constantly think he is hiding something.And why wouldn't i,he did it for years.I have been in therapy for 5 months now,trying to gain some self confidance and learn how to deal,but i se little progress.