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254521 tn?1197513909

hubby and video games

Okay---I am 28 yrs. old and have been married for 9 years. My husband and I have 3 beautiful kids. The problem is my husband bought the dreaded xbox360 when it first came out. He was really great as far as playing it but he didn't have xbox live yet either. He got hooked up with live this year in Feb. and became obsessed!! He works in the oil field so he's off a week and on a week. On his off time, all he does is play the stupid xbox! He plays from the time he gets up to the time he goes to bed! We don't have sex anymore b/c he can't seem to get off long enough to spend time with me. He gets upset if u walk in front of the t.v. (God forbid he die on the game!). He got real good about playing only after the kids and I went to bed. BUT, Halo 3 came out Monday night at midnight. He went to the store to get it (at midnight) and played all night long. Now, all he plays is that game. I hate the xbox so much. I hate looking at it. I hate hearing it. I just HATE it! He says that I stay on the computer all the time, but that's b/c he plays video games all the time and I have nothing else to do. When the kids are here, we practice their sports and do school work. But when they are at school, I do stay on the computer b/c I'm bored. He did agree to do "family night" on Friday nights. We eat popcorn and watch movies with the kids which is great. But after they go to bed, it's game time! Am I being to needy? Should I back off a little? Any advice as to what I can do to get him to understand that xbox is consuming him would be nice. He claims that he can go a day without playing but I haven't seen that yet. I need advice. Thanks!
57 Responses
13167 tn?1327197724
Hmmmmmm.  Maybe on Family Night (which is a great idea!) maybe you should do something ELSE besides staring at that exact same TV.    The only difference is what's playing on that screen,  family nght vs.  every other night for him.

You don't break old habits,  you form new ones.  He's not going to be able to break this habit unless there is a new habit to fill the void,  and even then those stupid games are SO addictive!  

I think you shoul dtake up tennis as a family.  ;D  Best wishes.
254521 tn?1197513909
Thanks for the advice. What you said does make sense (staring at the t.v.). We are consumed with sports (kids) as it is. Not sure we can handle anymore at this time. Yes, they are additive. I didn't realize how much until now.
199284 tn?1200688850
My partner  bought an xbox recently. Before buying it he asked me what my opinionon the subject was to which I said I didn't agree. I hate video games and computer games because they are addicted and you do not even realize it. There are so many things to do in this life to enjoy other than the stupid game and still he bought the stupid xbox. I told him if I'd notice the smallest change in him towards me and our relationship then it'll all be over very soon. He said that wouldn't happen because he doesn't even have time to play and stay playing for more than 30 minutes. I warned him you see. I let him know beforehand what my point of view was. What happens next is up to him. So far he has been going to bed early and we talk on the phone up to four times everyday. His attention to me I have to admit has increased and so I am calmed. He knows very well that these things are addictive and I am not willing to put up with it for no reason.... for no one. A woman needs attention, care, respect and love from her partner and nothing in the world, especially stupid things like a game should interfere.

Your case is a bit different because I don't think you told him not to buy the xbox and plus...you are already married and shouldn't apply drastic ways to correct the problem. Things function differently when you're married even though I feel like I'm already married to him since we practically live together and our relationship is very very healthy.

I don't think you're being needy. Just make him see that he is already addicted to the game and that you need him to give you more attention. Make up something really nice as soon as the kids go to bed and try to keep him from thinking of the xbox. Sorry if I'm not helping much. I'm being interrupted by co-workers since it's already lunch time. Good luck

172411 tn?1287089865
Just about a month ago we my bf and i bought a WII trying to get my bf off the computer yeah didnt work.. he still plays the compuer every night after he gives his son a bath hes on it.. good luck. i hate not haveing time with him. all the kids in bed and still not time for me. im jelous about his games because im left out. not like i like to play the computer but the wii is fun but never have him really play much with me. so its boring..

i got on my bf really hard about how he was not spending time with me and the kids about it, he got upset but now plays with the kids and when they are in bed he plays, but still wheres the time for me.. good luck im not much help at all ive been in this same boat for 2 years..
ksanden
172411 tn?1287089865
208737 tn?1267677426
My hubby is the same way..Man i hate the xboxs,,,,i was dreding when hoal 3 came it, he mpreorderd it in feb..i fill what ur goning through....all my dh has done all week is play 23/7 and guess what he took the week of becuse we are moveing to a dif house so he took of to help me...(ya right) never happend...good luck let me know if u find away to get them away from this crazzy game...Valerie
254521 tn?1197513909
I'm glad to hear that there are others out there like me. I know how all of ya'll feel. I hate xbox too. I'm looking forward to our family night tonight though. He finally got off so I better take advantage!!! thanks ladies!
254521 tn?1197513909
My hubby bought the Halo 3 also. It was ghost recon 2 at first but the new game has taken over. He also preordered it and was up there at the store at midnight getting it. What a nerd!!!!  We should start a forum for wives whose hubby's play xbox360 all the time. What do you think??
Anyway, like I said he got off so I better enjoy it!!

By the way, I wanted to name my daughter Bailey but dh refused. So I bought a min pin and named him Bailey! (Teach him to tell me that!) Love the name!!!
208737 tn?1267677426
Thats a good idia about starting a form...lol..bet we would get lots of ladyes,,,


I named my son bailey...love the name dident relize that most baileys are girls...hope he dont hate me when he growen..lol
173939 tn?1333221450
This whole scenario seems to become so common. All these families torn apart by video games and the like. Games are addictive and if you want a change, it has to be dramatic. I have heard all those promises before. Oh, just one more game and sure, I can stop anytime. Yeah, right. And family nights sound like a nice downpayment but the urge of the game addict to get back to the game always wins. It would be tempting to blow up the whole equipment but that will not get the message across. Rather demonstrate what a withdrawn gamer husband does by withdrawing your own input into family life. No laundry, no cooking, no outings, no attention for anyone but the kids and you for a while. Either he wakes up to the feel of losing his family and becomes more involved or it is a lost case. As with all addicts, I find it hard to discuss such matters. They tend to pull their own legs. As for the family night, I too would avoid spending it in another screen night, not even movie theatres. Leave the house. And if you are already into all kinds of sports, do the opposite. Go out to a restaurant, all of you or go hiking and re-discover nature. Anything that makes you communicate. I found that with "my" domestic game addict it temporarily helped to drag him out for a walk. It is amazing what nature can do. The screen zombies wake up when breathing fresh air remembering how long it had been since they last saw a sunset or the beauty of a forest or mountains. But it does not last long. The moment you are home, the box is back on and you are forgotten. Sorry to be so negative but I have come to the conclusion that whoever choses to tune themselves out via TV or online games or Xbox while having a family should rather be alone.
254521 tn?1197513909
We had a talk about the xbox last night and I told him how I felt. So, he said that he will only play after the kids and I go to bed. He didn't play at all last night so that is a huge plus!! another huge plus is....he surprised my daughters with Hannah Montana tickets....They came in the mail saturday.....my oldest almost started crying! I am so proud of him for getting tickets for them....Maybe he is trying to get involved with the family again....I told him that I felt like we were just living together and he said he didn't want me feeling like that.....we are going on a "date" saturday night. I am so looking forward to that....anyway, thought I would give an update....thanks to everyone that gave me advice!!!
Avatar universal
I'm not making light of your situation.  My husband used to play a lot of computer games, he still does, but not as much.  Our son used to play with him, our kids are now grown.  As much as I hated it I always thought at least he is at home, and not out in some bar, picking up women, getting STD's. driving drunk, getting a DUI, go to jail if he shall hit or kill somebody while driving drunk, losing his job over it.  

I don't think I'd have the nerves to worry every night should he be in a bar.  Trust me, there are tons of men who do that every night.

Men are still kids inside.  Playing computer games, unless its Porn, brings the little kid out in him.
199284 tn?1200688850
I totally agree with you. Especially the very last part. It's true that one would rather have their partners on the computer or in front of the tv playing stupid games than getting drunk or STDs out on the streets. Barbarella, you have a very good point.

Nevertheless, I just think these things shouldn't happen at all. Playing games every day as if you did not have a wife or as if she were invisible is not a good way to go. But I agree with what you say and perfectly understand your point.

Truth is....there are more addicted men than women when it comes to playing games on the computer. My boyfriend even tells me that those games are not stupid because THEY MAKE YOU THINK where the enemy is hiding and so your brain is actually functioning. I feel like hitting him hard with the first thing I see everytime he tells me that.lol
254521 tn?1197513909
I agree with you about the going out to the bars and picking up women but.....I also agree with bedtimestory about men playing the games to a point where that is all they do. My husband has gotten better as far as playing at night while the kids are home. We actually watched t.v. shows together which has been a while. I really enjoyed snuggling on the couch with him. He did play after the kids and I went to bed which is fine. We have spent the day together away from the house which was awesome.
People don't understand how addictive video games can be. Esp. online playing. He has made some good friends online and even talks to them on the phone sometimes. My son plays with him sometimes but I do limit him. He doesn't have the time really to play during the week b/c of his sports. But, when it comes to a point to where a person plays games all the time then they definitley have a problem. They don't realize how long they play or how much it bothers the other person. It is highly additive and should be recognized. I am very thankful that he doesn't go out and party but the game playing to me is just as bad. He plays to the point that he doesn't hear me when I talk or when the kids talk to him. That is a problem!!!
But like I said, he is getting better day by day. I'm thankful that he has realized that it consumed him that much. He's a great dad and husband. I hope he continues to limit his playing time which I think he will.
Avatar universal
Ladies,

I've been there, I know what you are going through.  I'm just the person to keep my sanity I always no matter what it is in life think "things could be a lot worst", that is what gets me through life.  Whether its husband, family, a medical condition, whatever it is I always say there are people who have it a lot worst than me.  Does that make the computer games any better and easier to deal with?  Of course not, but if they don't want to change, they wont, you will get upset and tear up your nerves, that is why I always said to myself "it could be worst" at least he is home.  Did I deserve more attention?  Hell yes, but the computer game was more important.  I looked at the good points.  He never controlled me, he let me do whatever I wanted, we always had enough food and clothes.  I sometimes thought he could be out in a Casino and gambling our life savings away.  That is just as bad as going to bars.

Hang in there, these games will get old one day.  My husband only does it 2 hrs in the evening now.
254521 tn?1197513909
I understand what you are saying. You are totally right by thinking that "things could be worse." That is a very good way of looking at life. You are wise in your "old" age (profile says 106)...LOL
My hubby is not controlling or abusive either and I am thankful for that. My hope is that the games will get old one day but I don't think that will be anytime soon. He has so much fun playing with his "friends" and I want him to have fun. Just not play all the time, you know? At least pretend like you hear me or acknowledge me. I told him good night last night and he didn't even hear me. That was upseting but, what can I do, right? Well, I will have to deal with it and make the best of it I guess. He goes back to work on Monday, thank goodness! He has been off due to a minor surgery on his finger. Dr. released him yesterday. You give great advice barbarella, Thanks for making me see the upside to this situation!
Avatar universal
Here is what is going on: We lack of the "cojones" to tell those gamers: "Halo" or me. The truth we are scared of what the outcome would be. Would there even be something worse than losing your spouse to a box with chips and a screen?

Here is my -pathetic- story, As most of the people here, I have also been "replaced" by a video game, I hurt emotionally and go to bed by myself every night. I hope that "the scrims" season will be over soon, but guess what? there is always a next one and unlike the super bowl, these seasons start one after the other one.

Perhaps the kicker here is that I am the husband and she is the wife.

Although I never minded being the -home maker- of the household (I do have a regular 9 to 5 job too) I used to do it with pleasure to keep our house "homey" and clean. Now that I can see how video games have taken up to 40 hours a week of my wife, and I just sit around when everything else is already taken care of... I feel this anger inside that makes me sick to the bone.

The future of our marriage was sealed when once I pluged the cord off from the computer, it was my last resource after several calls for diner. She was furious at me, -concerned- that the computer might be damaged because of my stupidity to pull the plug. I asked her what was more dificult to get, a computer or a husband. After a hesitation, she went: well, the husband.

That hesitation was the brake so I wouldn't leave that night.

Now, it's a matter of time.

My dear friends, how much more will be enough?

Love is blind, and I'd add that it makes us stupid and a door mat at times.


172411 tn?1287089865
i feel for you i no how you feel i feel that same way. its twisted around for me though its my bf doing it. im so tired of it...
ksanden
172411 tn?1287089865
that post was for you sorry forgot the name..
254521 tn?1197513909
Hey, I know what you are going through. It sucks like nothing else. He recently bought Forza 2 and has been playing it alot. He is still hooked on Halo 3 of course. he says, when he beats it and gets all of his achievements he will slack off. But, he did all that with G.R.A.W 2 and he still plays it. Here is the sad thing: I started watching the football game SUnday night thinking that he would be happy to watch sports, but he was so mad that he couldn't play the box. After the game was over, I went to bed ALONE while he stayed up until 7 that morning. Believe me, I know how you feel. I have finally gave up on trying to get him to see that xbox consumes him. He got better for a little while, but old habits always come back. What is the point in fighting with them when it does no good? I just let it be, what else is there to do. I have even thought about pouring water in it, but he has a warranty and would go get another one. It's a never ending battle, I guess. I;m guessing your wife plays computer games? I sometimes wish he was playing them instead of Xbox, at least then I could watch t.v. If you ever want to talk, I'll post my e-mail in my profile. just let me know. Good Luck to you!
Avatar universal
Don't just let it be.  

He's an addict.  Pray for God's intervention.  I did.  Eventually my husband's addiction stopped.  

I'm raising a teen son and don't want him to have bad habits when he's married, but it is hard for them to find something else to get involved in these days.  I feel sorry for the wives of the future.  Even if he goes out to play football with his friends, that only uses up 2 hrs of free time.  Then it's back on the computer or Xbox.  

Anyhow, here is my advice from someone that's been there:


Men are cave dwellers and something like this is his "escape" from reality.  It is his cave.  It is exciting to him.   It is like the guy who used to go out and live in the garage working on his car, or in his tool shed widdling wood...

He needs to know, however,  how it is affecting you, how he is not pitching in and to be shown alternatives.  

My suggestion is that you decide what is important to you and use his game playing as leverage.  If what is important to you is family time, special outtings, chores or even time in bed with you, you should tell him in advance that you will be requiring his participation at a certain time.   Tell him he will have plenty of game time before or after.  This may be hard at first as you see you are becoming the "family event planner", but most women end up in that role.  When your husband knows what is expected and is given guidelines, I think he will fall into place.  Too much unscheduled responsibilities is a problem.

Try to be creative:

For instance I will tell my husband that I would like us to go to the mall on Sunday afternoon to look for ....  I know he likes to eat out, so we usually encorporate lunch into it and we will usually go directly from church so there is no time for him or the kids to get back on the computer or other thing first.  When we do this I feel we have had our family time.  Or, I might say we are all going hiking at the local park at 2 p.m., everyone be ready.  Some days I declare technology free and no one including husband is to turn on a tv or computer until a certain time.  We often do chores during that time.  I have chore papers written up we all pull from a hat.  Or, we read books, work on the yard, walk the dog, etc.  It is hard even for me to stay off the computer or tv.  

Lack of sexual  involvement with you is abandonment, as is his time away from you all into the world of computing.  He needs to know this is serious.
Avatar universal
Hi All,

I am a husband gamer and researching this issue.   Before I got married, I played Halo3/Call of Duty 4 on XboxLive an average of 3 - 4 hours a day with my son.  

After I got married, I played for about 1 hour a night to sometimes skipping a few nights here and there.   I do the cooking, cleaning, squeezing in 'pillow talks' and intimacy every night.  Lately, we've even been doing puzzles together as a family. We go out every so often to visit my mother whom was just diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

Apparently one hour a night is even too much to ask for.   I have the discipline to automatically turn it off once that full hour is in, yet she still gets mad and gives me attitude.    Yes, I do try each time to make up for it...but what is ONE HOUR out of the DAY?  

From my point of view, I do anything and everything to spend quality time with my family.    But all I ask is one whole hour.   One hour to get my mind off of the busy day from work, kids,chores, my partners emotional needs.   Is that really too much?  

Yes, I have the tendency in the past to be like your husbands and boyfriends...but I've built that discipline.   It just annoys me that I can be such a great husband and father as I am everyday told...but once I turn that Xbox on for a limited time I become the worse husband and father.
Avatar universal
hope u & ur family are doing.

Just wanted to provide you with a small piece of info. In your life pls dont ever ever ever think of pouring water on the XBox 360, b'coz eventhough it is covered by waranty, the waranty does not cover liquid spills. Which means that if u pour some water over it, then ur husband would not be able to get it replaced & he would have to buy a new one altogether. I do understand that probablycan afford a new xbox 360, but why to even think of pouring water on it, when he would surely go out and buy a new one.

I really understand what ur going thru. These games r really very addictive. I am also quite addicted to these games, but I play them only when I find an opportunity to do so. I work nearly 12 hours a day & so when back at home, itz only when I find time to play these video games (playstation is what I own at the moment)/ & computer games I wud do so. I have to confess that I have been so addicted that I have instaled a few games on my office computer as well since I am not allowed to instal the playstation at work. So even though I have instaled a few games back at work, I only play them when I get the opportunity while at work. I do realise my responsibility & even though I play these games for a while at work & play the games at home too, I am still able to meet the expectations of the company with regards to my work.

As mentioned above by one of the member, being addicted to this game is much better than getting addicted to alcohol or picking up diff woman every night.

I am sure ur husband is responsible as well with regards to his work & family. With regards to him spending time with u, u can very strictly go ahead & tell him strictly that u wud like him to spend more time with u & after dinner atleast give him a time slot of 3 hours to play on the xbox 360. I am sure 3 hours after dinner would be fine with him & then he can spend time with u.

Have a nice day ahead. Take care.

Cheers!!
337492 tn?1212462436
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....... I am an avid gamer and so is my fiance.  That is what attracted us to each other in the first place.  A card game called Magic the Gathering.  We both love game systems, card games and computer games.  We game together, HOWEVER  only after we have done our necessary responsibilities, spent time together doing other things like sex, movies, cooking dinner and spending time with friends and family.  I hate seeing all this negitive feedback about gamers.  Gaming can be addicitive if abused, but if used properly it is a fun hobby like anything else.  Mommy27, NO you are not being needy in any way what-so-ever.  He is your husband and you have kids.  He should spend quality time with you and your children.  Gaming should be reserved for down time a few hours a week, as a treat.  He has an addiction problem and needs help.  I wanted to defend all the other gamers out there that use games as a hobby during down time only.  I am a female gamer, which is rare, but gosh... It is time to go play World of Warcraft!!!  
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