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Avatar universal

husband and daughter

I found out that when my step daughter huged her Dad that he rubbed his chest against hers and made her feel very uncomfortable. I asked him about this and he dose not know what made him do it. Mind you he is 54 and she is in her thirties. It has been over a year and I still cant get over it. Can some one help
19 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am not sure I would want tone with a man that had sexual interest in his adult daughter.  Maybe getting over this isn't what you need to do but instead move on.  Only you can decide that but I mad never feel the same about a man who did this again.  Good luck
Avatar universal
So, you're saying he admitted this and he doesn't know why he did this? If so, he needs to figure himself out QUICK.  

AND

You are still with him?

Agree with SM.  
3149845 tn?1506627771
But when people hug their chests do rub against eachother so  im not sure what this is all about. Men have breasts and nipples also. If he rubbed his genitals against hers i can see an issue but this seems rather silly and is suspect other issues are involved between all 3 parties.
Avatar universal
Women's breasts/nipples are treated AND viewed very differently than male breasts and nipples by EVERYONE, Men and Women alike.  

There is much to be said if Daughter was uncomfortable with Dad's 'display' as Daughters are accustomed to Dad's affection - so, 'something' was 'different' here.

if His gesture had been 'innocent' and meant nothing to Him He wouldn't say He "doesn't know what made Him do it".  Do what?? ??  Obviously it wasn't 'just' a hug.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I hug someone like my dad differently than my husband.  I assure you ghat any woman knows how to hug without nipples a breasts 'rubbing'.  And yes, men and women's chests are viewed differently.  That's why me can get away with no shirt and women can't. :)(
Avatar universal
I've had this happened to me, but not from a male relative or my dad.  It's an easy way for a guy to cop a feel.  Breasts and butts are usually the prime targets.  Women know the difference for sure.  Hugs and slow dancing are the best opportunities for this to happen.  

My dad doesn't press up against me for a hug.  I think I'm getting sick just thinking about that.  
Avatar universal
When this happend she was saying she was sorry she had been living with us at the time and HE said to her if you keep rubbing those things aganst me I will get over it a lot faster. I did leave andmoved in with a friend for about 6 months I cant even think of having sex with him.now or then. Came back with the understanding we would seek counsling that still has not happend.
Avatar universal
There are deffintly other issues she was telling him she was sorry for somethings with keeping the house clean she was living with us at the time and he told her if she keepet rubbing those things against him he would get over it faster.
Avatar universal
I am not sure what "I will get over it a lot faster" exactly means, but I am assuming it is sexual.
  
You returned without counseling on board yet?  

Until he can sort out what he did or why he did this then you have made NO progress.  

I think you really, really need to reconsider your decision to be living with this man as it is apparent he's got some serious issues.
Avatar universal
This is totally sickening.
3149845 tn?1506627771
I understand about the breasts but trying to make a point that its not like rubbing the genital area. For the dad to come up with this attitude it would appear he has joked with his 31 year old daughter before along these lines and may have teased her when she was young. I think its quite harmless.
134578 tn?1614729226
It sounds like what happened is, the adult daughter said she was sorry about some issue involving her cleaning up in the house, and her father said, "If you keep rubbing those things against me, I'll get over it a lot faster."

MAYBE he was kidding, you say.  If so, the daughter, who has known her father for years and understands kidding, would have laughed.  Guess what, she did not laugh.  She told her stepmother, who is not her close relative after all and she would not be otherwise the most natural person to confide in, that her father's rubbing against her chest and his remark made her very uncomfortable.  If it had all been a lighthearted joke (I can't imagine a lighthearted joke about asking his daughter to rub her breasts against him), the father would not have told his wife that he "did not know what made him do it," he would instead have said it was a lighthearted joke.  This man has crossed a very serious line.  Not just about faithfulness to his wife, but about the proper boundaries between bodies of fathers and daughters.  He is saying she is not his daughter, who he would naturally want to protect from sleazy sexual groping, but a sex object, to him.  

The whole thing would have been bad enough if she had not been his daughter -- he rubbed his chest against hers, not just gave her a hug, and then said she should keep doing this to make him happier.  The fact that this was his daughter was inappropriate to the extreme.  I cannot picture any situation in which a parent would make a sexual remark to their child that is OK.

I can't imagine moving back in with a man who did that, either.
Avatar universal
Life, Your breasts are not like ours, are not, have not been treated the same as ours (Girls/Women) all of Your life (I have NO doubt about this).  

Every Woman here thinks His gesture to His Daughter and His comment to His Wife BOTH are out of line....Obviously the Daughter was disturbed - She didn't see this as 'ordinary' behavior from Her Father.  And obviously His Wife is disturbed.  Every Woman here gets that.

You are trying to make a point about genitals -  BUT breasts ALSO have no part in Father/Daughter interaction.  That being said, breast touching often precedes genital touch.  If Daughter had not been disturbed where might this have gone??

I had a very loving, affectionate, demonstrable (hugs and kisses) relationship with my own Father - never would He have done/said what this Girls Father did and then said to His Wife.
3060903 tn?1398565123
I think i understand what Life is saying. I hug my son the same way i hug my husband, arms around each other, holding them close. No rubbing in my hugs, with either lol.

I think this man is a sexist, it would be interesting to hear if he's outed himself at home before. I'm pretty sure that this type of talk is not new to him. I'm not sure that a truly sexist man is able to differentiate between females and females in his family. I would think that they probably view the entire female group as the same, and that is to be joked about in an inappropriate sexual manner.

The fact that he "rubbed" up against his daughter to me sounds like he had lost his inhibitions, what little inhibitions that he has. Maybe by him saying he didn't know why he did what he did, he was actually saying, i forgot for  a moment that this 31 year old hot women was my daughter. I'm not sure that this would constitute a predilection to him wanting or having obviously inappropriate thoughts of a sexual nature towards his child, i think he might have zoned out like a zombie might, or a dog in heat.

There's very little said here about his character in general, or his intellect,  and how he treats or has treated his daughter as a rule. Whether he was even in her life, in a truly meaningful way. I'm not sure if there's a connection between sexism and misogyny towards women in general. In other words, if he generally has no respect for women or women hood in general  this doesn't sound remarkable to me. It sounds like it's probably par for the course for an ignoramus.
3060903 tn?1398565123
If this IS something new and he's been a good father figure, or if this is old news that's finally been recognized, either way, he needs to go to a therapist, before he should be accepted in mixed company. There needs to be a reckoning concerning the incident. Has the poster been fully observant of red flags before this?
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm.  My dad has never rubbed his chest against my breasts in a way that was playful, noticeable, or could be misconstrued in any way.  The thought if that is gross!  And  the daughter says she is uncomfortable and the dad says he doesn't 'to know shy he did it.  So the question isn't whether this was creepy behavior at this point as the poster, the daughter and the dad all seem to agree it was.  The poster says she can't get over it.  And I will say that if my husband were inappropriate in a sexual way with third child-  I wouldn't be able to get over that either.  Would be a deal breaker for me.  Luck to the poster.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Sorry for typos.  I am not good at typing on apple and my auto correct is possessed!!!
134578 tn?1614729226
Nighthawk (and Life also), I could go with what you were saying if it were just a hug.  But if I were to hug my son and, for example, rub his buttocks (not as sexual an area as the groin, so I'm going for an example like the breasts) and say "I'll get over being mad faster if you keep rubbing these things against me," sorry, it would be an overtly sexual message with nothing motherly about it.  Gross as hell, too.  I can see why she got upset, it was a sexual message and it was from her dad.
3060903 tn?1398565123
What i said was that this was a sexual message from her dad... i was asking for some background, as to whether this was new or not. or whether this man was impaired and that's why he had no idea what or why he did what he did.

Anyway you look at it, i wouldn't be there, or i would walk, especially since he's refusing to deal with this in therapy.
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