husband

[therese83]

My husband out of the blue looked me in the eye last night and said he doesnt want to be married to me any more.  We have been married 21 years.  He is an alcoholic who is reformed but breaks out from time to time.  He said he wants his freedom.  There is no one else involved.

I am not like other mothers I know, I put 100 percent into my family.  Our 4 children are doing very well.  I do not spend time on myself and I work so that our oldest can go to University.  He expects me to live here in this house and bring up the children and he can be free.  I have done nothing wrong.  I am also in good shape physicaly and we have a good sex life.  He says "the connection just isnt there"

[mami1323]

Well that does explain a lot and perhaps he does have a chemical imbalance of some sort and that's just what you are used to because of the type of household you were brought up in.  You are just doing what is natural to you and that is living with someone who is not mentally stable.  I hope you don't take that the wrong way.  I think you should look into some individual counseling for yourself, this way you can know that you shouldn't have to tolerate him treating you that way.  I wish you the best of luck in your situation.

[therese83]

Hi

Yes I take your point,  my father had schizophrenia and I was bought up by him.  So I except a lot as normal that probably isnt.  Thank you for your kind words, emotionaly stunted hits the nail on the head.

We will try counselling.
X

[mami1323]

My real question to you is, why do you want him?  It sounds to me that he is emotionally stunted and has emotionally abused you for a long time now.  You have put his needs above your own.  He seems to have lack of respect for you or the children.  It seems you go out of your way and he is critical of you even when you are doing everything in your power to make him happy.  It doesn't sound like you have neglected him at all.  The only person that seems to be neglected here is you.  Counseling may be what you and him need but I think you need to focus some of your energy on yourself and not question why he doesn't want you but why do you still want him.  

[therese83]

Thanks for the tips.  

I agree these are his feelings and it doesnt mean they are wrong.  That was hard to hear but true.

He isnt having an affair.  I know that, he is always at home.  He is a real loner and has no friends at all.  He is a chain smoker and is often very wound up.

Part of this problem is that he says "I am going to die soon"

My house is not perfect and I am not hoseproud at all.  It is very easy going, I am always willing to sit down and talk to him.  He is very engaged in work, manual work in the garden and on the computer.  I am often sitting alone.  I am very emotionaly engaged/ask him how he is doing and notice things about him.

I have just wrapped my own Christmas present from him which is the usual story and nothing new.

Sometimes I think he has aspergers syndrome as he has no connection with his family.  I keep in touch with them.  He does not get on with our two older children, he says our son is an *******, when he is a 17 year old boy trying to find his way.

But somehow he always adored me and now I guess he doesnt.

I will suggest counselling to him.

[SeriousSam]

Marital counseling is out?  How old are th kids?

[sammy73]

It sounds like you have worked very hard for a number of years, looking after your husband and children every way you can, dedicating yourself to them.

Unfortunately, this has very little to do with having an emotional relationship with someone.  Your husband should certainly be grateful for all you do for him and for the children that are his as well as yours.  But all this work does not, on its own, make someone love someone else.

I'm sure you had the relationship once, but clearly it is not there now, at least not for him.  He's not making it up when he says he feels this way - why would he say such a thing if it wasn't true?  He's probably felt this way for a while now, struggled internally with it, hoped it would go away, before he finally decided to tell you.  So you need to accept that he really does feel this way.  It's no good thinking that he is "wrong" to feel this - this is how he feels, and you must work with how he is now, not how you think he should be.

Try and pursuade him to come to couple counselling - in that situation you may have a better chance of getting to the root of why he feels the way he does, and then you may have a chance of repairing things.

In the mean time, you may be better to focus on spending time with him, sharing experiences, rather than working so hard at cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. (can your kids help with that?).  People like spending time with the people they love - that's why they love their lovers, not their housekeepers.  I hope it's not too late to shift this emphasis.

Good luck, I hope you can turn this situation around!

[Fuzzz]

I'm not so sure he's not covering an affair.  Otherwise he has life made and he would just be asking if you could give him the attention he seeks.  I think somebody else is fawning over him, but he doesn't want to be caught and pay alimony if you get divorced.  

[therese83]

Thank you for your help

We were fantastic together.  I mean fantastic!  We laughed so much.

It is not fair.  I get up first every morning and do everything, all the snacks, the breakfast, running around.  Pets to feed and he can get showered, sit in the garden smoking cigarettes, take his time.  Now he says that I do not have time for him in the morning and that is part of the problem. At the weekends I still get up first with our little one.  I dont give him enough attention when he gets up.  Would you feel like hugging and kissing someone in this situation.  Apparently this is the only crime I have made.

I love cooking and the fridge is always full of his favourite food.  I think he just wants to go drinking, be a single man.

[Jasmine205]

Have you ever tried therapy his and hers(couples) etc to get a third party to help you all?
Or would get scoff at that idea?
It's a shame that he said that to you, it must have been a sinking heart in throat moment for you when he told you. He should have taken the time to detail to you what was going on in his own mid to make the choice he did, and give you at least a bit more to wrap your own mind around.
Do you suspect he wants to 100% move on now? No talking it through.

[Jaybay]

Is your husband at all willing to try to "make the connection" with you again?  How sad and foolish for him to throw away all those years.  :-(

[teko]

When two people get married, they either grow together or apart.  One of the fatal flaws we women make on our marriage is that once the children come along, our attention diverts to taking care of them and making them happy.  We should get back to the old adage of putting our mate first.  It sounds like you two have simply grown apart and ceased to have anything in common except the kids.