In Laws Lord Help Me

[Candicane101]

I need some strong input on this issue that I am having, My husband and his brother-in-law had a falling out about 4 months ago it was very pity. My daughter has married someone that his brother-in-law does not like and was bothered that my son-in-law was a guest in our home. (Yes my daughters husbands).

His brother-in-law feels that my husband owes him an apology and to explain since there was bad blood in the past between their families. This is something that has happened over 15 years ago that my husband’s brother-in-law can not let go. So an argument excaulated between the two and they have stop speaking.

My husbands sister calls me an ask during this time if I will get her brother to apologize so she can put this behind them. I said no! I have no reason to get involved. Would you apologize to anyone or try to ditate to anyone who can and can not come into someone home? I don’t think its that serious let it blow over and let them two fix there own issues.

Well her husband has done nothing since then but cause problems in the family over this.
He constantly drives by my home to car watch to see who is there. He had came by my home about 2 months ago ranting and raving that I told our mother-in-law that he was caught cheating on his wife. This is something my husbands mother had told her son-in-law. My husband went outside to speak to him about what the problem was. My husband told him my wife does not even speak to my mother and she would not of said anything to her if she did catch you cheating she would of told me!

His brother-in-law tells my husband that your wife use to flirt with me when everyone was getting alone. My husband got a kick out of that and told him she keeps no secrets from me, Why do you think that before you move to the area every other weekend  that you and my sister visit,you no longer stayed at my home? It was you that was flirtaous, and calling my wife when I was not around. Her only request was to keep you from staying the night at our home! And if my wife wanted to make any issues between you and my sister, she would of told my sister. I am not sure what is going over at your home but can you please keep the childish games away.

Brother in law begin to make threats about shooting and hurt people, it made me nervous, The next day I filed a police report. I told my husband if you would like to fix this i would not think less of you if it puts and end to this drama. He was firm and said no. I am not going to have anyone try to run my household. He said I have done this before with him and each time he will fine something to poke his nose into and expect me to apologizes. I told him to make sure that he continues to communicate with his sister.

Him and his sister will talk from time to time, then one day out of the blue she called him and told her brother that she no longer wants to receive phone calls from him, she is disrespecting her husband by talking to him. Until he apologizes she has nothing to say to him. His sister has not spoke to there older brother for about 10 years over a falling out with her husband. My husband said this is sad and it hurts that my own sister wants to cut me out of her life. She said yes I need to stick with my foundation. He said well it is what it is. Maybe you dont know it or not, sister your foundation has cracked.

His mother calls him up and fishes for information on what we are doing are what our weekend plans are. I asked him not to tell her anything she is the only link from our home to theirs, everytime she leaves there is something that happens and I am tired of it. I told him in time when this is patched up, nothing will be the same and i rather not have anything to do with due to their hang ups and attention seeking.

What man calls up his wifes family members and cuss them out to tell them they are all **** poor of parents and did not raise there kids right? His sister is aware of this, and have been told that for family events its best she leaves him behind, which she got upset and said if my husband is not welcome myself and the kids will not attend. These two people are vindictive, The brother in law is a gun happy person and would want you to say something wrong to have a reason to pull it out or shoot! I just want to stay away from them. Now they moved to our town they live only 3 blocks away.

[specialmom]

What is confusing to me is that the majority of what you have written sounds like YOU disowned THEM.  You pushed them away and they went away.  This fight is not about the son in law but about the fact that you first and now your husband do not want to be around them.  The son in law is the thing that pushed it over the edge.

Well, I don't know what to say in terms of someone that is threatening and crazy.  I do think that comments like "I have my own family and things to do on holidays" were not a helpful attitutude to mesh the family together.  I do understand though about setting boundaries.  Perhaps it all could have been handled better.

But now you have someone who is nuts after you.  A restraining order?  Perhaps moving yourself is the best option.  

What about your husband just sending him a text saying "I'm really sorry.  I don't want bad blood between us.  It's my daugher's husband and I'm stuck with it."  He could do that and then maybe the psycho guy will calm down and not kill you.  It is worth swallowing pride to not be in danger.  Otherwise, move.  good luck

[Candicane101]

To answer the question of what my son-in-law did is. My husbands younger brother and my son-in-law (This was before I knew my son-in-law and husband) were good friends as teenagers these two young guns decided to rob a pizza joint and got caught. My son-in-law was giving 3 years and my husbands brother was giving 10years. My husbands sister and her husband believes that my son-in-law snitched to get lesser time. Now, my son in laws mother got an attorney he was caught with the bag of money during the get-a-way him being a minor and first offense he was giving a lesser charge. My husbands brother was caught with the gun, he was the one that had the gun pointed at the clerks head. Regardless of age or first offense he was tried as an adult. His mother did not acquire any help from the judicial system, She left it to the courts to defend her son. By the time the family found out that their brother was in jail  he was in the process of being convicted. There mother told know one. The family during that time lived about 4 hours away and had very little contact with there mother.

The kicker is, my son-in-law and my husband brothers has always written one another and sent photographs. These two have no anger about what had happened. And communicate often until this day. It’s a head scratcher on why the in-laws are so hell bent on this issue.But what bothers me is, when the family was getting along, they had seen my son in law numorous of times at events and nothing was said. Suddenly when they married it became an issue. I believe it is more of a smoke screen. When my in-laws moved to our town they were down here every other weekend. I told my husband on one occassion that their visits are too much 4 kids and 2 adults can be over crowding. My husband was so excited to be around his family he had over looked that it was becoming a problem with me.

These two would come down and get into major arguments over nothing. There entire relationship is strange. There are not allowed to speak to anyone of the opposite sex they feel that its disrespectful. My family and I are close and we all do things together for b-days, holidays, and at least one weekend a month we make plans to go out or away.

During the events my sister-in-law will not speak to anyone only her husband and brothers. My sisters and my mother, and brothers will engage in a conversation with her or try, she will walk away in the middle of the conversation as if they are not there. So you can imagine that my family is not fond of her at all. When I mentioned the cold shoulder that she gives the females of my family too my husband, there was always an excuse on his behalf about her attitude.

On another visit I told him I will not attend whatever was going on, I am tired of her distant attitude with everyone else, I am tired of her husbands ghetto demeanor, everything is about fighting, guns, violence. And I told him make sure they stay at your mothers from now on. I would like my home to myself. And pay attention to her behavior with anyone that  does not share the same bloodline maybe you will see what I am talking about. He did from a distance and told me later he has no idea what her problem is.


One of my husband family members (There older brothers wife) who has no contact with either one them due to the same reasons of the past she experienced that I am going through. She said his sister is the type of female that is very jealous of other women that takes away her brothers attention from her. She always has to be in the center, She said think about it? She has no female friends only her brothers wives or girlfriends that she is around, in time there is going to be an issue with you two and she will cut you out of her life when she feels she know longer needs you. There two miserable people that are unhappy with themselves all they have is each other. They like drama that is why there is always a problem when they are around.

When my family members begin to plan an event there first thing that was out of there mouth I would rather your husbands sisters and husband do not attend. It seem they purposely planned events on the same day my family was giving something. I would join my family events and my husband will join his family events and we will see each other at home. In time, my husband grew a bit tired of the weekend visits, due to I kept my distance and made plans on the weekends with out him. My husband told his sister to call in advance he may have plans to do other things. For some reason this upset her and she said some choice words to him and hung up.

Hoildays rolled around and they all join there family out of town, I never attend the hoilday events. I have my own family to do things with as well as him. He went away for the day but returned that night. The next day his sister and husband stopped by on there way home. And she asked why don't you attend our events? My brother wants you there, each year  you have an excuse of why you can't go. Its not excuses I have my own family and the people I want to see. I have all year to see your family but on those days it will never happen. Your mother needs to understand that you're married and have other obligations. Um no, nothing for her to understand I will always be with my mother and family. She seem to want to argue about it but I got up and walked away.


I slowly distanct myself during their visits. And when they decided to move to our town, I dreaded the move! They were here for about two months before the falling out. Each weekend they will call and invite us over or want to come over. My husband an I either wanted to be alone, or we had other things to do. Occassionally we went over to visit but not often. This leads up to the falling out. My husbands brother in law asked him to stop by after work. The next day my husband after work went home to relax, my daughter and her husband showed up. At the moment the brother in law called asking where are you?

My husband mentioned the guest in our home and the brother in law said ok and hung up.
The next evening we went by to pick up his nieces and nephews to take them to a b-day party, His brother-in-law was outside waiting for him to chew him out about the company that was in our home. I am sitting in the car listening, the argument got ugly. My husband stormed away upset, My sister –in-law called saying I have been listening to this since yesterday, It would have been nice if someone was giving a heads up. She thought it was rather comical, I found nothing funny about something so pity!

By the next day it exculated more, the brother in law called my husband and continued to want to argue about this. My husband told him that he does not have to explain nor listen to this. His aunt telephoned saying for me to please get this under control we all know that this guy has loose screws, and has called the family making threats against both your lives, just be careful. My husband the following day left a message for his brother in law wanted to come by and talk. He sent my husband a text message saying he had nothing to say and let it be and he is a sell out to his family. My husband never attempted any more. That is when I get the call days later again from his sister asking me to get involved.

I make not comments about them to anyone just in case someone decideds to say something. I have distance myself from them a long time ago before this even happened. I just don't know what else to do.

[teko]

I think you need to institute a new rule for your household. You are welcome in my home, the drama however gets left outside. And mean it. I dont care if its your mother, daughter, brother or St. Peter and Paul. It should apply to everyone who enters. You can refuse to discuss and take part in any or it. Just enforce it, if they do not respect your home, show em the door.  In other words, dont play.

[specialmom]

Well penswriter, we actually agree.  I think those that are dangerous to us or our family put us in a position of having to protect ourselves.  You have no choice but to pull away from them.  And some family (often a mother/daughter relationship) can be down right detrimental to us and I advocate for people to stick up for themselves and be strong.  I don't think anyone should be a door mat.
I don't think cutting someone out of our lives is the answer if we have great pain doing so though (with the exception of addiction issues until they seek treatment)----------  to try to work on things to live peacefully will bring greater happiness.  That goes for those close to us.

And big family rifts are another matter entirely.  They usually seem to start over some trivial thing and blow into a huge seperation.  Everyone gets their back up and no one budges and it makes everyone miserable.  In those cases, I say to get the ball rolling and move a rift into a situation in which all can coexist.  You do not have to absolutely love in laws and brothers and sisters, etc.  But getting along does make people in the big scheme happier over time.  I'm not talking about Unlce Joe who shoes up at family functions in his underwear and a rifle or Aunt Millie that says I slept with Bob down the street because I could have her husband . . . or whatever.  Ya know, some folks can't be saved!

When someone has issues with family and then have issues with having issues, I think it is smart to try to resolve the situation.  If someone couldn't care less---------  then there is no reason to. I know I felt someone was toxic once------ really did.  So I stayed distant but in touch.  Do you know we are close now and I can't believe I ever felt that way about her?  

Anyhoo-----------  I'd say that I agree also that everyone has to live their life and protect themselves and it sounds like you've done that and that is GOOD!

[penswriter]

I'm gonna have to disagree with specialmom for once.

I have a few "toxic" family members who not only created drama but dangerous living conditions and situations (like your BIL) that I absolutely refused to be around, let my husband around or my children. I've cut them about 98% out of our lives. If we see them at family functions or at a relatives house (I haven't cut all the family out...just the toxic ones) I am cordial. I'll say hi, how are you? and that's about the extent of it.

I honestly believe if they are creating that much of a problem or threaten your lives not only should police be informed but they should be cut out of your lives. It's not only dangerous to you and your husband but your children and their families. (i.e. daughters husband.) And like you said it's YOUR house. Not his. Nobody can tell you who you can and cannot have over, especially the son-in-law.

[specialmom]

Well, this is tough.  I will tell you that in general I do not recommend cutting ties with family because it almost always leaves us feeling horrible down the road.  Many regret doing that and sometimes swallowing our pride, going ahead and apologizing when we aren't in the wrong, etc. is what we should do to have our family back.  I really feel that way most of the time.

However, there is a strange dynamic here.  I feel as though I am missing something.  What exactly did your son in law do to enrage your brother in law?  It must have been pretty bad.

When I read a story like yours, I try to factor in your bias.  We all have it but it is important to think about when trying to give someone advice.  I think what your husband should have done (is he the brother???  ) was to say to his brother in law-------- "I know this is awkward.  I didn't pick him as my daughter's husband but he is.  I feel it is my duty to her to give him a chance.  I'm in the position of having to do that because she is my daughter and I love her.  I hope you can understand that."  And when he came to your home (the son in law)-------  "my daughter is welcome in my home any time and he is her husband.  I have a duty to my daughter to welcome her husband. I'm sorry.  Can we find a way to resolve the past (whatever it is he did or why your brother in law is mad)?"  

When you describe your brother in law--------- well, you make him sound mentally ill.  Make sure you are accurate with the information.  If you fear for your safety or that of your family, you can't be near him.  I'd move if possible.  

But your goal is to de- escalate the situation.  Be a peace maker if you can be.  Don't get overly involved--------  be a peace keeper by rising above and just letting this thing die.  (unless you think he is going to shoot you . . . then if that is the case, get the heck out of dodge.) good luck

[Jaybay]

Good grief!  You've got toxic people all over the family tree, don't you?  I'd cut off communication with the lot of them and consider it a small loss, but that's just me.  Just because someone is a family member doesn't mean you have to put up with threats and harrassment.  Is there any way you and your husband can move - like out of state?!