in love with a "taken" guy

[princessxo69]

So I haven't really been "serious" with any guy since my last boyfriend (we dated almost 4 years) broke up almost 2 years ago. Since our break up I have been trying to focus on myself and not get my heart ripped out and torn to shreds again. A guy started working at my job. At first we were both shy, but as time went on we talked more and more, just as friends. Secretly I couldn't wait to go to work when I knew he would be there just mainly because we had a good connection, if I had feelings for him at that time I was hiding them even from myself. We quickly became good friends, and I started to really get feelings for him. Other people I worked with would ask me about these "feelings" because I guess it was obvious that we both have feelings for each other. Low and behold, he has a girlfriend. However, he was honest about it and openly talks about his girlfriend (when if he didn't want to be honest he didn't have to and I would have never known he had a gf because we live in different cities). When I found out for sure he had a gf I tried to stop the feelings I had grown to accept... but they would not subside. Things have only heated since then. I am completely in love with him. And this isn't a "rebound." I have healed my wounds from my ex and I don't feel vulnerable or anything. And obviously he has feelings for me, he spends time with me, he makes time for me. And it is not a sexual relationship. This is what makes our "thing" so bad for me, is that it's not just about sex he actually has feelings for me. He listens to me when I'm happy, or upset and I listen to him and talk to him about his problems or about his day. There are so many reasons why we are perfect for each other. Even others see it, for instance one person at work had mentioned him and I said to her "he had to get home to his girlfriend" and she was completely shocked, she said omg I didn't know he had a gf I thought you 2 were in love. Well we might be but that doesn't change the fact that he has a girlfriend. And he's not a dog, if you knew him you would be able to tell, I feel like he is unhappy in her current relationship but he has been with her for so long it's just natural, and "normal" for everyone like he doesn't want to mess it up and change anything. Also he told a coworker of ours that many times he doesn't feel like him and his girlfriend are in a "relationship" it's more like they are roommates.

So ... How do I get him to "make a decision" and choose .. or at least get him to talk about this whole situation? Because it can't just go on like this forever. I'm already hurting, every time he leaves, every day that passes and I don't see him .. kills me like absolutely kills me, but when we're together we have so much fun. There are no words that can describe the way I feel when I'm with him. It's just crazy .. we're perfect for each other in every way .. everyone knows it .. I think he's just scared of the "change" I guess. But I'm ready .. how can I get him to be?

[mami1323]

I totally agree with Monika1985 here.  The reason why he keeps coming back to you is not because he has feelings but because he wants to have sex with you.  He's thinking about sex and you're thinking about long walks and holding hands.  Men's brains aren't wired like our brains.  He will keep pursuing you as long as he keeps getting what he wants.  Doesn't it make you wonder what kind of person he is if he has a girlfriend yet sees you on the side?  Would that be the type of person you would want to be with?  Would you trust him if you and him happen to wind up together?  Like Monika said, he was mad at her because she probably snooped through his phone and found the text.  Been where the girlfriend is at and the guy makes you feel like utter sh*t when you catch them. They twist it so it seems like it's nothing and that you're the bad one for going through their stuff.  You think you're going through pain, imagine what she feels?  Finding a text from another woman to your boyfriend who you love.  Sometimes we have to not think about ourselves and think of others feelings.  This will not end well.  It's already looking pretty bad.

[specialmom]

It's hard to get the head and heart to agree sometimes, isn't it?  You sound like a smart girl and I think in the end, you'll see this for what it is.  And then you will go on to find someone unattached and totally available to you and form a true, happy relationship.  good luck and peace.

[princessxo69]

Thanks again for your advice.. in the back of my mind I know these things but its hard to listen to my mind when I'm around him I forget all of those things that I know. It's gonna be hard but when I start my new job I won't see him as much so maybe I can break it off then n it won't be so bad but I know its gonna be hard....

[Monika1985]

No sweetie no. He has no plans of leaving his girlfriend. And he got mad at her because he got caught! Believe me it is not worth it. They say you pay some agony for the ecstasy but in reality you only pay the agony. Believe me, if he wanted to be with you he would've broken it off with his gf already. I've been in your shoes and trust me when i say it hurts and you're just the side meal and she's the main course. He's a jerk.

[princessxo69]

thank you for your advice .. it's nice to talk to someone that has actually been in the situation. I just don't know if I can just break it off with him .. it's hard enough not seeing him for a few days let alone not talking to him at all anymore i can't even imagine that. And I have thought about this before because i know it is wrong and usually i dont do whatever with whoever's man bc i wouldn't want someone to do that to me but i couldn't resist when he continually kept trying to kiss me, and hold my hand, and come over. I let him make all the decisions because he is the one with the girlfriend. She even found out .. saw some of our texts and he was mad at her not me... and I thought for sure after that incident he would say we shouldn't see each other anymore but he hasn't done that yet...So tell me .. what would be the point of him seeing me .. we don't have a sex so it's not that. And it's not like we really go out and do anything together.. we spend maybe a few hours together usually every day but not this week. Why would he continue to do this if he doesn't have feelings or if there isn't a chance that he might want to leave his girlfriend? Thats the only thing that has been allowing me to continue this .. is that we don't have sex and we don't really do much so there has to be something there on his end too for him to willingly continue seeing me too right? I got a new job (not because of him just drama at our current job) so I guess if i could just be patient and see how often he still sees me when we don't work together anymore ..

[Monika1985]

Take it from a girl who was seeing a married man for 3 years - HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU NOR WILL HE LEAVE HIS GF. The above posters are correct. He may "not feel like he's in a relationship" but the fact is that he is and he will stay in it. I used to have those same feelings of "being in love with him and he's in love with me" but believe me sweetie its just lust or you're filling the void he has with his gf. Do yourself a favor and let him be. Keep it professional. Good luck.

[teko]

I can only say to you that if he felt about you the same way you feel about him, the other would be gone and you two would be together already. He likes things just the way they are. The best of both worlds and neither lady gets anything except the others leftovers. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh but that is the harsh reality. Give him the either or and back it up with action if he stays with the other.

[specialmom]

Yes, I agree with the ladies here.  If a man is 'taken' and tells you about it----  he is TAKEN.  This is not complicated and only feels this way because you are making it so.  

If you want to see how he feels about you------------  tell him it is over as you feel terrible that he has a girlfriend and you don't want to do this anymore.  Break it off completely.  Don't socialize with him, text with him, etc.  And stay firm.

If he feels he really had feelings for you, he'll then decide to officially end it with his girlfriend.

But then . . . you must decide if you really would want him.  He has shown you that he will put a commitment/relationship to the side for another as he has done already.  That is a character issue he has and seeing that he lacks loyalty may cause you to always mistrust him.  That is why relationships that start through infidelity rarely make it long term.

good luck

[cheshchesh819]

you cant make this man change or even leave his girlfriend,this has to be his choice and noone elses,also as stated above if things did turn ugly you have to face it all in your work place,no matter how much you have feelings for him,or him for you he has a girlfriend,plain and simple,the bottom line is he is not available and you should leave well alone before you and most importantly his girlfriend gets hurt.

[mami1323]

I agree with Londres.  This is not a good situation.  First the old adage "you don't sh*t where you eat" applies here.  If this goes bad, you're stuck seeing this man all the time.  Believe me, I've been in your exact shoes with a co-worker of mine years ago.  I didn't know about his girlfriend until after we had already been dating for a bit.  They were supposedly broken up but then got back to together while him and I were talking.  When I found out, I broke up with him.  No way was I going to lower myself to being the other woman when I know I deserved better.  Second, he isn't saying he is going to break up with her.  Obviously he's lying, both to you and to her.  I never believe a man who is cheating on his live in partner when they say they are just roommates.  I can almost bet you that she doesn't think that they are just roommates.  Can you imagine how she would feel knowing that the person she loves is emotionally and physically involved with another woman?  Put yourself in her shoes.  This is where people go wrong, they only think about their feelings and their own needs and forget that someone is going to get hurt here.  Third, if you truly have a connection and he feels it to, he will get out of his current situation first.  Because just how the relationshp begins is how you could inevitably lose him.  A relationship starting out with infidelity has a high failure rate.  Hope you reconsider continuing a relationship this way.  You may end up with a broken heart.

[Londres70]

He has to FIRST want to make a "decision" or "choose."  I saw nothing in your posts about him saying he wants to leave the gf.  I am not sure if he is wanting to "dump" her for you, hence you want "advice" on how to push him in a direction to "dump" her.  In my opinion I don't think he is going to leave her (gf).  

Well, in my opinion, I wouldn't pursue this at all.  Plus, you both work together.  I wouldn't even recommend having a relationship with someone you work with; things could get messy. Plus, like you stated he is taken, as he has made this perfectly clear from the beginning.  I wouldn't make myself the "third party."  Granted this guy and his gf are having problems however, that is no reason to "make a move" on him.  

Yes, he is easy to talk to and kind, but somehow you are equating that with love.  You just work with him.  Love is a VERY strong word to use.  What exactly is he doing or saying to make you think he "has feelings" for you?

I was confused about the sex.  You all haven't been sexual, correct?  I hope not.

Just sounds like you could be setting yourself up for another heartbreak.

I would find someone available already and not try to make someone available for you.