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Avatar universal

is my doctor flirting with me?

He is my chiropractor, and from the first time I went there, I have developed a really strong physical attraction to him. I think it's because our personalities clicked so well, and right away we started bantering back and forth and making each other laugh.  There are a few things that he's said and done that make me wonder if he's flirting, but he never makes eye contact with me, so I can't tell.. for example, some sessions, he will rub my lower back, (lumbar part) my problems stem from that specific area, but when he does this, he rests his other arm across my butt, as if for a 'folcrum' (support) maybe that's just how he does things. The next time he did this, he did the same thing, but this time, he rested his hand on my butt cheek, hand open. other sessions he puts electrodes on my lower back and my sciatic nerve, and he puts one or two on a butt cheek, so he'll lift up my jeans and pants, I don't know if he's checking it out. Was he copping a feel? He never warned me about touching me like that.  Ok.  Then when I was there recently, he told me that the scented lotion I wear is his favorite of all patients that come in. No big deal. THe very next time I came in, I was wearing the same scent, and he says to me "You're wearing my favorite scent again, I wish I could get you in a room alone, trap you in a corner..' He didn't finish the sentence. So I finished it for him and said jokingly 'what, so you can just let it flood over you?" but he didn't respond to that,. None of this behavior makes me uncomfortable in any way, I just have to know what he's thinking. like I said, I can't tell if it's an actual flirt, as he says it in a way that seems as if he doesn't quite realize he's doing this. And as I said before, he won't make eye contact with me. is he hitting on me? I am crazy head over heels for this man. I just can't tell if the feeling is mutual. I know i am not in love with him. It's purely lust.  Do you think the feelings are mutual?
13 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
What he is doing is highly unethical.  Please know if he is doing that to you, he's doing it to other clients.  He's not trying to date you dear.  he's not getting to know you, But rather is being inappropriate.  

Is he married?

You are not crazy over heels for this man.  You haven't so much as been on a date.  I'm worried about the over the top fantasizing you are doing.  

What is your dating history like?
Avatar universal
agree with SpecialMom.

This is unethical of Him and inappropriate of You.
134578 tn?1602101550
All the rest of the stuff perhaps could have been written off as him just being kind of casual in his approach to jeans waistbands, but once he said the "like to trap you in a corner" line, it's clear he's not just being sloppy in his handling of your clothing in the service of putting on electrodes.  If he were interested in a relationship and had fallen for you in a romantic way, he would have referred you to become the patient of a different chiropractor, and after a decent interval might have called to ask you out.   But it's pretty obvious what he wants, he made moves when you were on the exam table.  He is subject to a pretty strict professional code of ethics --  not that you want to, but you could file a complaint to his licensing board; it would be justified.  And keep in mind that as special says, you won't be the first time he's done it.  He sounds quite practiced.

Anyway, you have the hotsies for this guy and don't care about his crossing the ethical line.  If you want to do something about that, first find out if he's married, because you really have to not compound the mess by acting on your desires if he is.  But if he's single, and you want to sleep with him, and he is not breaking off your professional relationship in order to act on that, you should be the one to break off the professional relationship.  Quit him as a doctor and have your records transferred to a different chiro.  If he thinks you are a hottie and is dying to go to bed, he'll call you I'm sure.  If he does, you can be cagey and not tell him why you left, or you can just tell him that you'd prefer not to have a professional relationship with him because you find him too attractive.  You'll get a bite on that statement I'm sure.

But seriously, sweetheart, don't do this if he's married.  What goes around comes around, and though integrity can be a pretty cold bedfellow, don't do this to another woman.
Avatar universal
Dating history has been bad.  I tend to latch onto men because I'm so afraid of being alone. I become really dependent. I know that this is a problem, but how do I overcome it. Yes he is married. Should I call him out on his behavior?  
Avatar universal
I agree with your statement.  iDid find out that he is married, and it kinda pissed me off.  Maybe I should still find another chiropractor. I guess I could make all sorts of claims that he does treatment that other ones would charge thousands of $$'s for, and I haven't had any pain since iv'e started going there, but I guess they all sound like excuses, hey?

Do you think there is any way I could stay?
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
You need to immediately change chiropractors and never go back there.  toxic situation.  Your entertaining this when you know he is married is not great on your behalf either.  

I would consider if counseling would help you move past the relationship issues.  If you go to someone professionally to discuss this----  and make that the focus, you could make real progress.  

Because of your past dating history, you are very vulnerable to men like this chiropractor.  They sniff it out and take advantage.  Don't let it happen and never go back to that office!  

lots of luck dear and let us know if counseling is something you'd consider!
Avatar universal
It isn't really about if he is married or not......it's about this is in NO way professional behavior and you shouldn't encourage him on by staying with his practice continuing this terrible behavior.  You both really crossed the line here. The fact that he is acting in a disrespectful manner to you should be pissing you off not so much that he is married.  

"And as I said before, he won't make eye contact with me. is he hitting on me?".........Sounds more like flirting and nothing more.  And if he did want anything more it wouldn't be more that a sexual encounter.

" I am crazy head over heels for this man. I just can't tell if the feeling is mutual. I know i am not in love with him. It's purely lust.  Do you think the feelings are mutual?"..........Sounds like pure lust coming from you.  Again, I don't think he is wanting any "relationship" with you.  He is probably just a flirt at heart and has no intentions of doing anything with you, however, he has said some very, very inappropriate things to you.  Again, if he did want more it would be probably a sexual encounter.

Don't "call" him out on his behavior DIRECTLY as he will probably just get defensive.  You could always file a complaint with your state's medical board in regards to complaints.  Do NOT confront him personally about this.  You definitely need to leave his practice.  There are plenty of other Chiropractors just as competent as he is.  

Don't get carry away into the fantasy of all this.  Besides, do you really want to be taken advantage of by a married chiropractor who talks to you in a disrespectful manner sharing all his vile thoughts with you.  Doesn't sound like he thinks much of you.

We teach people how to treat us......food for thought.

Avatar universal
Absolutely find another chiro. That guy is bad news in many ways. He's playing a game of peekaboo, more or less--"I didn't mean anything if you didn't," etc. That way there is little you can actually accuse him of or could report him for.

Even if your attraction is only physical, remember that he has a wife who deserves more than this treatment. Is getting involved with a lowlife who is married worth your own self-respect? There are plenty of single men out there for you to seek out if you want to, and plenty of doctors who are just into doing their jobs and that's it. Find these people. You will be much happier if you live up to your own standards and not down to someone else's.


Avatar universal
The chiropractor wasn't/isn't the only issue.
You are/was "crazy head over heels for this man" and said You were/are "lusting" for Him.

I understood Your post to be looking for 'validation' from others whether He was "coming on to", "flirting" with You.

So - we don't 'really' know what He's doing or thinking but we DO know by Your own admission that You are interested in HIM.

You need to find another doctor and You need to keep it professional.  IF He's "coming on" to You then YES, YES that's wrong - but You need to quit sending signals to ANY doctor, ANY married Man.

His standards 'may' be in question here but we kinda, sorta already know that Yours ARE wrong - to harbor fantasy for Your Doctor and/or ANY Married Man.

Just saying......

973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
That is a good pick up TTinkerbell.  The signal we give off is important. And we should consider if it is a married man, a doctor that we know it would be inappropriate to act like we want to be sexual with (um, right there in the office---  like, where's his staff?)etc.  We do have control over that.

But it dos concern me the most that you've convinced yourself that you have feelings for him which are not based on any reality.  That is what I would definitely talk to a professional about.  You dodged a bullet here----  avoid this man and any situation that is at all like this in the future but I want you to get to a place to date someone, take it slow and let it build, and form a real relationship with them.  good luck
Avatar universal
But one cannot help one's own feelings. THey can't just be shut off. I don't think I am doing anything wrong just by thinking about him and fantasizing about him. I don't see how you can thing I am acting inappropriate I certainly have not acted on them,  and I haven't done anything to encourage him. And don't plan to.
If he says something flirtatious, I will be flirty back to him, but I don't say things that could be taken in a sexual manner.  I'm very careful about that, I don't want to create an awkward situation.
I am seeking professional help, and I have talked about it with my psychologist about it
I have told him EVERYTHING I have told you guys,down to the last word. He told me that he didn't think I needed to leave his office, just to be careful not to go beyond some very light flirting. If it goes beyond that, then leave. My chiropractor hasn't touched me said anything sexual to me.
480448 tn?1426948538
"I am seeking professional help, and I have talked about it with my psychologist about it
I have told him EVERYTHING I have told you guys,down to the last word. He told me that he didn't think I needed to leave his office, just to be careful not to go beyond some very light flirting. If it goes beyond that, then leave. My chiropractor hasn't touched me said anything sexual to me."

^^^^ Your therapist gave you that advice?  Yeesh.

"But one cannot help one's own feelings. THey can't just be shut off."

Absolutely you CAN help your own feelings and absolutely you CAN shut them off, you just don't seem willing to do so.  You KNOW this man is married, and even any "light" flirting is simply NOT okay, especially with the past history and how he's behaved.  You are in complete control of what happens next.

And, I'm sorry, but I disagree completely that you haven't done anything to encourage him.  Just you continuing to go, wearing his favorite scent is encouragement, and most CERTAINLY this would be considered encouragement, emphasis on the last sentence of yours:

"He very next time I came in, I was wearing the same scent, and he says to me "You're wearing my favorite scent again, I wish I could get you in a room alone, trap you in a corner..' He didn't finish the sentence. So I finished it for him and said jokingly 'what, so you can just let it flood over you?"

Bottom line to me is, BOTH of your behavior is very inappropriate.  You shouldn't be "flirting" with someone elses husband who is your doctor.  It's just so wrong on multiple levels.  You're trying to make it okay in your head.  

I think seeing a therapist is a great move, but personally, I would recommend finding a different one, as I find his advice very irresponsible and unethical.

From THIS statement of yours...

"I tend to latch onto men because I'm so afraid of being alone. I become really dependent."....I would strongly advise finding a female therapist, as you've definitely got some issues with male interaction/relationships to sort through.  I don't think a male therapist is the best choice.

You have to find out why in the world this would EVER be something you think is okay in any way, and why you would be entertaining the idea of continuing it for one more minute.  He's treating you like a sex object, which, considering that he's your doctor (and married), is quite despicable.  You should be disgusted and enraged, not flattered and excited.
Avatar universal
Absolutely NG.....totally agree.  

Not to be rude, but do you have difficulty separating reality from fantasy?

Well, in your initial post you were questioning if he was trying to touch you in a way that would be considered inappropriate:

"Was he copping a feel? He never warned me about touching me like that."  

You are playing with fire here and you need to leave this practice.  There is NO "being careful" here.  I highly doubt your therapist ok'ed you "lightly" flirting with this married Chiropractor.  Maybe you were hoping he ok'ed that, but I don't think he did.

Takes two to play and if you choose to stay at this practice you are choosing to play.  

BTW:  Thoughts are thoughts.....I get that, but when you start verbalizing these thoughts to him that's the problem; that's what is going to get you into trouble.

Your choice......your life.
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