its complicated

[itchingkitten]

widow with 2 adult children who still feel that I need to fiancially suppor them.
have a boyfriend now of 24 months
He has had been in and out of 5 jobs in 18months, and is a electrical fitter mechanic.
I am now carring him again.
Nursed him for 10 weeks after an accident with his hands.
then another 6 weeks with a bacterial infection in the stomach
And just to make it interesting my two adult children have caused me to have a breakdown with the fact of another person in my life.
And then there is his 5 children who still need him fiancially.
Why do I bother, I have so much resistment to every-one and I am about to explode.
BF is sleeping all the time, classic depression signs, eats me out of house and home. another sign of depression
I have NO personal space, no real chance to let my hair down and have fun, because I have to think ahead of what I may have to pay out. Phone account goes up, due to bf searching for work.
now he says he wont seek governmental assistance, and is awaiting on the finalisation of his family farm to be divided up between his siblings.
And I'm left with the bills, for BF and the ever ongoing call of the adult children
What do I do?

[Londres70]

BTW: This isn't as "complicated" as you think.  

[Londres70]

SM is o so correct.  Hon, you need to set boundaries here with not only your bf, but with your children.  You can't keep footing the bill; you are NO First Federal Savings and Loans.  Let his children be HIS problem as you aren't obligated to help them either.  

Start telling them NO and set boundaries IMMEDIATELY.   Say it in writing if that works better for you.  The point is let them know you are fed up and done with this nonsense.  Write it....say it....whatever.  

People will treat you this way if YOU allow it.  You have the power and control in your hands to handle this.  

[specialmom]

Hm, not sure what you are saying in your last post.  Here is what i would do with the holidays----  I'd not pay any of the boyfriend's bills.  Just be totally firm about this.  There is no reason why you need to pay his medical or credit card debt or any other type of bill for him.  If you choose to not kick him out prior to the holidays, that is your option.  But this can't go on.  You deserve an EQUAL partner.  You can love someone and realize the relationship isn't healthy and break it off.  You can have expectations of someone as well and demand they rise to those expectations or they don't meet your standards.  This is not a bad thing hon.  That is living an authentic life in which I encourage you to do so.  good luck

[itchingkitten]

i have read yor suggestions. with the festive season arou.d the corner i will be enclosing a heart wrenching note. i can express my true feelings on paper. do u think this viable?  u have 2 take a chance. what have i got 2 lose. my love will never wavier but HOPE is all i have.

[specialmom]

Oh, at the very least----  do not pay his medical bills or any other bills. His responsiblity.  You may provide the roof over his head as you are doing so when you provide one over yours but he is on his own for all other bills such as medical or credit card.  good luck

[specialmom]

Ii do feel for you as you sound like you are a good person trying to do the right thing and right now feeling like everyone is a taker in your life.  Set the boudary to end this and i do think that it sounds like things have run their course with your boyfriend.  good luck dear

[specialmom]

You can cut ties with him and frankly sweetie, you don't need him, he needs you.  Would it feel like a relief to have him out?  

As to your adult children, this is problematic.  I am a mother as well and we want to hep our kids but when does helping become codependence and actually interfere with their own growth?  You might be at that point.  You can possibly help here and there but should not be counted on to provide for them.  I would help them to know this lovingly because it is loving to help them step up to the plate.  I'd talk to them about their career opportunities and what training they may need because you WANT THEM TO BE FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT from you.  Tell them flat out this is your goal for them.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome to the relationships forum and med help.  Glad you found us.  

Hey, I'll be honest.  You sound totally fed up and i do not blame you.

You are not married to the boyfriend and while he doesn't contribute financially, he doesn't sound like he contributes in any other way either.  You sound very very unhappy.

Just because you are dating him (and I guess he's moved in) does not mean you have to continue this.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi and welcome. Better have a sit down long talk with him about this. I think he knows you are always there for him. and is using your kindness and not really taking things seriously. I think its time you give him a wake up call and tell him to get his own place as you need yours.