Avatar universal

lack of experience


I've just started going out with a guy.  He has a good heart and is a clever man.  I'm in my mid to later 20's and I'm embarrassed (I know I shouldn't be)  to say he is my absolute first.

We've been dating for over a month and I haven't told him.  I've not felt much attraction to him to be honest but wonder if I should just carry on being with him to experience being in a relationship?  Is this wrong?  Shouldn't I be with someone that I can't wait to see and become more intimate with or do you think it's being clouded by my nerves and anxiety of doing something new?

I suffer from anxiety quite badly and maybe if this goes I can relax and just go with it? Maybe I'll
be more attracted to him?

In my head I worry about sex and if I should loose my virginity to him or not.  He's understanding and good but should I loose it to someone I really fancy or just get it over with?  I also worry my body will look a let down if he saw it.

I put loads of pressure on myself because I have nothing to compare this to.  I should be feeling amazing but I feel like i'm keeping secrets and like it's a challenge or even burden.

Is it normal to be like this?  What should I be doing?  

Is there a helpline I can talk to or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

I guess I need positive advice..please.

Thank you.

16 Responses
13167 tn?1327194124
GH,  have you ever had the strong desires you talk about?  Sometimes in life we get hung up with "shoulds" and miss out.  It may be,  that at your age and never being in a relationship,  that's just not a big deal to you and you will perhaps never feel like what you think you "should" be feeling.  

You may be waiting for something that will never happen - so it's up to you to decide what to do.

Best wishes.
Avatar universal
thank you for your reply.  You've brought up an interesting point..

I didn't actively choose to not be in a relationship for this long because of what I want or don't want but because I never put myself in that situation due to anxiety and not a lot of socialising.  But I've always wanted to be in a relationship like everyone else.  

It's all down to lack of experience and not knowing if it's normal or what is right.

I guess I can't answer the questions you've put forward because i've not had anything to draw such a conclusion/decision from.  

Thanks again.

13167 tn?1327194124
Well,  how about even when you watch a romantic movie,  then?  Do you have strong desires then?
Avatar universal
Yes I have those desires or feelings you speak of.   In that sense I'm like most women.
13167 tn?1327194124
Well then,  I guess it's up to you whether to continue this relationship without those feelings -

I will say,  I dispensed with my virginity when I was 18 with a boy I really trusted but didn't care all that much for in a truly romantic sense.  I guess I had those same anxieties and wanted not be afraid (or worse,  be in some kind of horrific painful experience!) when I was in love with a guy.  I don't regret it at all.  

Best wishes.
Avatar universal
Well.....I am not so sure why you are worried about sleeping with this guy after being with him a little over 1 month.  You really are in a stage where you are trying to get to know him.  You should know a man WELL before giving yourself to him in my opinion.  

Give yourself more time with this and don't worry about having sex with him.  At this point, you aren't attracted to him, but perhaps if you get to know him more that could change.  I don't see any reason not to continue this relationship to see where it might go.  Plus, you will get some relationship experience.  

I don't think losing your virginity should be treated like some "chore" to hurry up and get done and one of the requirements should be that you are attracted to the person in other words you should FANCY the man.

Try not focusing on the sex and just focus on trying to get to know him better.  I think you will find your anxiety decreasing if you do this.  
3149845 tn?1506627771
The problem here is that his feelings should also be talked about. If you date him for the need of experience then what happens when he falls in love with you? Can you tell if he really likes you? If he does, the more you let him be with you, the more his feelings will grow. Even if you tell him that you arent attracted to him, he will still try to win you over as that is what men do. Causing hurt to another person is not justified by anothers need to experience dating. Dont be someones heart break.
Avatar universal
The only thing I'd add to the above posts is, if you don't feel that much attraction to him, why stick around?  I'm not trying to sound rude, please understand this.

What you are going to give is something really special.  It might as well be with someone you have special feelings with.  It just adds to the whole experience.
Avatar universal
Thanks everyone.

I could let it go but I'm afraid I'll never meet someone again or I'll be much older when I do.  He's also very understanding so I wouldn't feel to worried about telling him i'm a virgin.  

I just feel lost and don't know what I should be thinking and doing because I have had nothing to learn from.  I'm going around in circles.  If only I had these experiences as a teenager - I wouldn't think so much into everything.
Avatar universal
Well, dear, you can date more than one man at a time to find that one who you think is compatible for you.  You don't have to be stuck dating just one man at a time.  I wouldn't worry about not finding someone else.  

If you think the situation with this current guy is not doing anything for you and you are for certain you really will never fancy him then you should probably just end things with this guy.  

Don't hang onto this guy because you fear you won't find another one.    
3149845 tn?1506627771
Many women that were virgins have happy and successful marraiges. Pre marital sex is not a pre-requiresett for a good marriage.
Avatar universal
I think you need to figure out where you are in life, who you are, what you want, what you don't want, and go from there.  It may be necessary to talk with a therapist about these issues and your anxiety.  Until you know this about yourself, you're not going to be able to let any amount of anxiety go or be able to be yourself around someone.  You say you feel like you're lying, and it's probably because you are in some way.  You're not fully able to be yourself because you're afraid of what he'll think.  Until you love yourself, you're not going to find yourself as capable of having healthy feelings toward another.  You can feel something, but it will be harder and the anxiety will only grow as you develop them.

In my opinion, you need to deal with the anxiety now, worry about relationships later (or keep this one while dealing with the anxiety).

I was 21 when I started dating my current boyfriend.  Before him, I had never dated anyone, kissed anyone, or been with anyone in an intimate fashion.  I was a virgin.  He showed me tons of respect, and I gave my virginity to him.  The feelings I had for him and that he displayed toward me added to the experience.  It was about mutual pleasure and not just his or "getting it over with."  It hurt a little, but he was good about listening to my body's cues.  Without that connection, sex probably isn't going to be a great experience for you, and with your anxiety, you'll probably worry that even when you find the right guy it will feel like that.

Please, please seek treatment for your anxiety.  It will help you in the long run with everything in life, including being able to be healthy in a relationship.

Be honest with yourself regarding this guy.  Is it that you're not feeling anything or that you're scared to let yourself feel something because you're scared of (anxious about) being hurt if you do?
Avatar universal
I feel You're giving this too much thought.  We are not in the medieval ages.  My feeling is Virginity is not a "gift" or a "prize" that We  "give" or "lose" to Someone but rather Your "gift" to YourSelf.  Having suggested We're not in the dark ages any more, none the less, I PERSONALLY have great dismay that so many today are so promiscous - You have not been. So, Your gift to YourSelf is that You haven't been casual about "sex".  Again on a personal level, I feel We should not be "having sex" - my feeling is that We should "make love" with Who it is we perceive Ourselves to be in love with - then and only then.  Personally, I would not "make love" with Anyone who's toothbrush I wouldn't use because I think Making Love (call it "having sex" if You will) is an even MORE personal and an even MORE intimate, than using Anothers tooth brush and I do think We would ALL be selective about Who's toothbrush We would put in the one cavity - why not be selective about ALL Our cavities?  Don't think of virginity as something You "give" or "lose" - think of it as Making Love with Someone You love.
Avatar universal
Thank you.

It is true that I need to love myself and know where I am in life.  I guess i could tell him all of this which could break down some barriers but I fear he will just run away as we've only been seeing each other for about 7 weeks.  I would also feel incredibly embarrassed..

I am starting to get treatment for anxiety but maybe it's possible that it will decrease with me doing more in life and experiencing relationships?  Yet the idea of doing things gives me anxiety!  It's a circle really...
Avatar universal
I'd open up that this is your first experience with a relationship.  If the guy's worth anything, he's not going to run off.  And if he does?  There WILL be others.  But a lot of guys do find it a good thing when they find out a girl is a virgin, so I think you'll be fine if you say you've never been in a relationship and are a virgin.  It's good for him to know, too.  If he doesn't know, he's going to act as though you're not.  If he knows, then should you two decide to go ahead and have sex (be sure you are emotionally ready for sex), he would hopefully at least be a little gentler and try to make the experience special for you.

It's good to hear you are starting treatment for anxiety!  It will get easier as you work at it, but it will take time, so don't get frustrated if it doesn't vanish as quickly as you'd like.  You've made it over the first hurdle.  Keep it up!
Avatar universal
Thank you everyone.

I don't think I can tell him yet as embarrassment is another problem of mine.  I hope the right decisions and strength will come through the anxiety therapy.  I just have to deal with the fact that everday things people go through are huge hurdles for me- whatever the reason...
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