Husband's extreme lying.

[Vett505]

We have been together for 12 years married for 3. We just recently had huge fight over the smallest thing possible. I left a coke can on his side of the room, he asked me to move it I did and over reacted and gave him all his leftover food he left on my side. Well I was upset and it continued after he got.off work. He ended up telling me to leave him alone or he would leave me. We fought for over 2 weeks. I was basically put out of the bedroom. I slept in my car till he was asleep then I can to bed. I would be out before he got up.We didn't celebrate our anniversary due to fighting.  He was at work and he left the PS3 on, curiosity got the beat of me and I looked around. I found porn. I then went to his computer and found more. I called him and told him. He denied any of it. We takes all day and he blamed my daughter myself and everyone else. He even swore on how much he loved his mom that passed 15 years ago that he did not watch all the porn I found. He told me he didnt like porn wouldnt watch it since there was no point for him. He says it scares him. He has always said that to me. I believed him and tryed to forgive and forget. Then I found magazine's  and videos hidden in the bathroom. I didn't say anything. I checked his deleted files on his computer and found even more porn going back to March on my birthday. I still haven't said anything. I feel like he's been lying for so long and going to great lengths to lie about it. I want to forgive him. But when I see him I feel distrust and get physically sick. I know this isn't the first time he has lied and used his mothers name to try to force me to believe the lie. It has been a week since the fight stopped and I have found more so I don't know if there is going back from this until he is 100% honest. We also have other major issues. I have a 15 year old daughter he loved and told her she was his daughter which she believed until he yelled at me one day that I was raped and got pregnant with her. Which is true but she didn't know. Now he says he hates her and wants me to kick her out. He says he wants a baby knowing I can't have more due to disability. ( we have been pregnant 9 times and he has forced abortions on me.) Those are 2 of our major issues right now, is there any hope into making this work? I am going to see the minister that married us today sadly alone. I feel like my life is over without him. I am 31 unable to work can't get disability and depend on him. I love him dearly. I just can't ever believe anything from him. I have had suspicion of affairs in the past. But have let that go, he always said I was to jealous. But I think after so many lies and his actions he has made me this way. I used to be so happy. Over the last few years I find it hard to be 100% happy about anything. Any helpful opinions?

[Nighthawk61]

I hope you can all manage to work things out and always see the positive in each other. I hope he steps up for you and your daughter. Let us know how you're managing. God Bless :)

[Vett505]

Thank you all.for your support and well wishes. We did talk and I told him I didn't want him back unless we can work things out before he came home. We did talk a lot before he came hone. More then we have in years. That said a lot to be because it was only a few days. He did tell me thing honesty. Still says he didn't watch porn. But I have decided that if its going to work I need to do my part. I have let him know again how much it hurts me if he's hiding things and lying. He has said he wants to work things out with my daughter. I hope now that she knows the truth she can understand more that he is choosing to be her dad and not being forced to because I got pregnant. I do believe it can work with help and work on the relationship. Now we wait and see. I still don't understand how it got there but I need to let it go before it kills me or drives me insane.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm glad that you're husband left without too much trouble.  Stay away from your sister in law, and drugs. If you are drawn at all in that direction, for the sake of your daughter, please contact an addictions therapist to discuss tools on how to stop your mind from going there. Don't let your failed relationship take any more from you and your daughter than it already has. It would help your daughter and yourself if you talked to a therapist together, and then maybe separately. Your daughter could suffer great consequences after having heard her father throw her away, as he did. And it wouldn't hurt you to regroup and talk to a therapist so you don't get involved with anyone again, who is so cruel. Take this time for you and your daughter to heal. Please let us know how you're doing. You're in our thoughts and prayers.

[VICourageous]

Well maybe it is all for the best..The biggest thing that gets me is that you have no self esteem and have been like a Housemaid. Relationships are not suppose to be one sided..And the big thing is that he belittled you so low that you went out and started using drugs to escape from this. This is a Big Bad NO..It is not worth it because you can become an addict in no time and then give up on everything..Your daughter needs her mom and you do not want to have her follow in your steps. I am glad he is gone for now because you need to find your self now not something you where for someone else.
I wish you the best and do something nice for you and you daughter. Get a good tight relationship with her.
Bless

[BeeBumper]

I think you're gut is giving you great advice, but I would also add let's say he is telling the truth about this one issue, it sounds like there is absolutely no respect and if anyone I loved ever treated my son like he treated his daughter and let's face it, you don't raise someone like that and then withdraw your love.  Now you can focus on her and you'll know now if he was telling the truth, clear all the temporary files and any movies from all computers that are online in the house still.  If it was your daughter, you'll know, but if she did it to frame him I wouldn't blame her so much for treating her the way he did.  That relationship is your priority right now.  She needs your love and attention more than ever.

[specialmom]

It is so common to have mixed emotions and doubt ourselves at these times.  I think that is really normal.  The good news he is out of the house and it was easier than you suspected it would be.  consider changing the locks!  

Sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow but you will have ups and downs.  With all you've written, it sounds like the right choice.  Focus in on your daughter.  She needs you!  peace

[Vett505]

Well, he was pissed at me when he came home. He thought I ate out without him and let me hear it. He said he couldn't believe he got conned into staying here. So I told him he could pack and go. He said it was all my fault if I would just shut up and get over it things would be OK. I told him I needed to show him what I found and that explaines why I can't just get over it when he is still lying. He saw it all and still denied it. He said he didn't care right now cause he was leaving and would tell me if he did look at it. I called the police when he started yelling and he left. So wow it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. And now I'm having doubts about what I found. It was there. So didn't imagine it.

[BeeBumper]

Under some circumstances I wouldn't be concerned about porn, that being said it's not a great quality that someone neglects their wife for fantasy.  What disturbs me more is he lies about it, he lets a fight go on for so long rather than tell the truth, although it does take two to tangle.  It also can be that one person desperately wants it to end and gets sucked into a fight again and again.  What's most disturbing is what he did to your daughter, to raise someone as your own for such a long time and then basically crap on them is not a father.  

There is only hope when the truth is on the table in full, although I wouldn't get over the fact he turned on the daughter he raised.  Barring the truth, you have to ask yourself the question "Is it fear of being alone?" and "Is it familiarity that I am scared of losing?"  People get scared when the see the only thing they know for many years could end.  They rationalize and try to find reasons that aren't relevant to keep it going.  All that ends up doing is prolonging the pain and anguish and anger.  

I can't tell you what to do, all I can say is if there are times you feel that it is hopeless than it probably is hopeless and it needs to end for you and your daughter.  Your gut knows the truth, listen to it.  Your life will go on, and despite your disability there is someone out there who will see you for who you are and love you for it, but you'll never find them while allowing this man to control and manipulate your life.

Good luck, I hope you find your way.

[specialmom]

Well, this is rough.  Your mother may be able to ask him to leave since it is her house.  You'll have to split any assets.  


I guess you'll need to ask him to go if you are at that point.  But mean it when you ask.  good luck and let us know how it goes.  

[Vett505]

No. It is my mothers house. We live there with her... his name is nowhere on a lease or rent agreement. No I don't have anywhere else to go. Wish I did. He's not a very social.man and we don't keep friends. Or I wouldn't have been sleeping in my car.

[specialmom]

Is it your house or do you both own it?  I'm not sure about the legalities in your state.  Tread lightly there.  If you can check with an attorney, that would be so helpful.  sure would be nice to change the locks, have a male friend or family member there with you while he gets his things and goes.  

but it is probably part his house as well which means you can't do that.  Can YOU leave and go elsewhere?  

[Londres70]

Agree with Tink and Specialmom........absolutely.

[Vett505]

I would love to move passed this. I don't want to be gone. I truly love him with all my heart. How can I do that if he refuses to be honest, I don't know. I feel like things will not get better if he can't be honest with me. Love should be about love honor and trust. I just don't see it anymore. I think he has made my self worth and self esteem so non existent. Its so hard. But I just found more and I think I will confront him today. Not only then lies but the way he treats my daughter is awful.. any advice on how to kick him out without him destroying my house?

[specialmom]

Oh my.  This is getting more and more toxic.  I'm concerned first for your daughter.  It won't help her at all if you begin getting into drugs.  Please please do not take this route.  THAT you have control over.  A 15 year old needs stability.  Here she has someone she considers her dad treating her like he hates her and now a mom that is teetering with chaos of going out and doing drugs.  

Think STABLE.  Whatever you can do to stabilize life for your daughter is best.  Routines, dinner together, activities as much as she'll allow at her age together.  Be there for her.  Who was she sending nude pics to?  That is such a big red flag.  I know 'sexting' is all the rage but wow, that backfires.  That your husband has an issue with porn and then your daughter gets caught watching it is interesting, don't you think?  

Anyway, she is your primary concern right now.  

What do you want with your husband?  Are you wanting to reconcile this or to move on?  Deep down, what are you thinking will be best?

[TTinKKerBBell]

THERE IS NO "point of no return" !!

BUT

You need more help/advice than anyone here can offer

Regards
Tink

[Vett505]

As far as the porn, we used to watch it together. We would watch and he would completely forget I was there, and get upset because i wasn't getting into it. After he moved in we talked about it and he wanted to get rid of all the porn I had which I did without questions. He tells me he has never masterbaited. Or watched porn he feels his mother would be ashamed. We don't even have sex anymore. The day we stopped fighting I asked to make love, he laughed at me and that was the end of it. We maybe and its a huge maybe have sex once every 9-10 months.

For my daughter. We caught her watching porn on her cell phone and laptop. I also found nude pics she sent out. When I told him he went into a rage. He
Had picked her up and carried her into her bedroom threw her on to her bed.
She said she f,ing hates him and wished he wasn't her dad. He took that to heart. A few months later our agruement happens and he said what he did and she heard. She didn't tell me till now. He always bring up her watching porn. Its feel like he is taking it out of her the anger because that is what he has been doing? They haven't spoken in almost a year. Keep in mind he accused her of watching it on his computer and PS to "frame him".

In the last week I have been going out with his sister. She is not a great influence. She got me drugs and I have been lying to him about it. About where I go what we do. It makes me feel good to know I am lying to him... This is not where I want my life. I want a happy marriage I want to be totally honest and open. I feel as I have hit the point of no return. I hate the lies. I don't want to become someone that can lie about everything and not care about it.

[TTinKKerBBell]

.....and You love Him why???
Sorry, but apparently I missed that part.

Certainly keep Your appointment with the minister - perhaps He will guide You to counseling for YourSelf.  You need to learn to be more secure and confident about YourSelf.  We should S H A R E happiness with our Partner, rather than depend on Him to 'provide' it - it really does "take two" for a meaningful relationship.

Good Luck

[Life360_Dave]

Hi
Its a bit difficult to comment here as from what you describe there are many issues. You have the ordinary problems like arguing over silly things, and then there are issues of responsibility like having 9 abortions and him watching porn.
You are also dependent on him which could lead to him not respecting you.
He seems also very dominate and often has his way with you. You do try to stand your ground but it dosent bear any fruit.
There dosent seem to be any communication ability but more using hurt tecniques to resolve issues. Your love for him seems real but his is not what true love consisits of. His love appears more of a need.

I would really consider if this relationships is based on love more individual wants.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Thanks for sharing your story.  It sounds really hard and I'm sure sorry about that dear.  

couple of things I noted.  First, yes.  There is always hope.  If both parties want to heal a relationship it certainly can be done.  Many couples on the brink of separation work it out and come out stronger than ever.  However, it takes effort on both sides.  Often if one side isn't ready, if the other begins the process of changing things in the relationship, they will follow.  so, you can start by believing this can get better and looking at what things YOU have control over.

So, that brings me to the first issue you talk about.  The bickering.  The fighting and keeping it going.  Don't do this!  When he says something about your coke on his side of the room (isn't it shared space??  That part confused me)--  instead of retaliating because it is petty (which it is)---  smile and answer, sorry.  Let me get that.  And get it without fighting about it.  Is it that big of a deal??  Probably not.  So, don't make it into one.  Then take his plate from your side and also put it away without making a big deal out of it.  This sends a message that you are picking your battles.  Reacting is so easy to do in a relationship and with our partner but it is better to stop, breath and think before doing so.  So, really---  try not to react and pick what you are going to react to and you may have less moments of flaring irritation between the two of you.  

When a fight is going on and on, after the initial cooling off period, try to talk about it.  Not in a mean way, mad way, etc.  but more in a way that says you care that you've had a fight and want to resolve it.  I always tell my husband that I do want him to be happy as well as myself so let's talk about what is going on with him when X happened.  

I suspect that you are fighting about little things due to the big things under the surface.  I'm not sure when the fight happened that he declared to you and your daughter that she came about due to rape, wasn't his and he doesn't want her, hates her.  Wow, that is really hurtful and that for me would be the deal breaker.  Your daughter comes first and for her to live in a house when someone is hostile to her, that is really too much to bring upon her.  There is a good chance he is super angry with you about something and that is a way that he is hurting you.  blah.  That stinks when we do that but many do.  They know their partners most vulnerable spot and prey on it when angry.  has something changed with your daughter that would cause this reaction?  I ask that because I'm trying to determine if he is just trying to get back at you or if he really feels this way about your daughter.  But this must be sorted out. He can't hurt your kid!  You and she are a package deal and he must be a kind person to her or this isn't worth it.  So, I'd set that boundary with him.  Your daughter is off limits in terms of causing pain.  

The porn.  Well, I agree that he shouldn't lie about it.  I am guessing he has shame about it and thus, resorted to lying.  Does porn really bother you?  If it is just annoying that he lied, tell him that you appreciate honesty.  If he occasionally watches porn, that is okay but that you just didn't like that he lied about it.  I personally don't love porn but don't feel it is the end of the relationship either.  I hate it for how it depicts women, how women are treated in the industry, etc.  It's really a bad example of our society and feeds the surface level sexuality that really is unpleasant about our culture.  But that is just my opinion. LOL  If my husband watched it occasionally, I'd not be that upset.   So anyway, my point is----  figure out what is really bothering you about the porn.  The lying isn't good but if you can get past that and think about shame and being afraid to tell you, it explains more as to why he lied.  Many men do look at porn and it says nothing about their real life with their partner.  Others get caught up in it and it is very detrimental.  I don't know where this lies with you and your husband.

Anyway, If you are supremely unhappy---  you must think if this relationship is something you want to work on or not.  peace