looking for answers

[brice1967]

Ok, I am new around here and am looking for a few opinions on my issue.  Here's the deal.  I am a 43 year old male, happily married for 18 years now.  There was absolutely nothing wrong with my marriage.  In fact, we have had maybe 5 serious arguements in the 20 years we've been married.

7 months ago, I got reaquainted with an ex girlfriend from high school through a popular social networking site.  The relationship started off innocently enough, talking about whats happened during the last 25-26 years or so.  (In school, I never really had big feelings for this girl, but she had something on me.  She wasnt the type of girl that I would normally date.  I was an athlete, she was a scholar)  Anyhow, as this relationship grew, it began to go in another direction.  Talk of our accomplishments and places we've been somehow switched to some of our past sexual encounters.  From here we began to talk about what we missed about each other.  The next thing you know, we are having feelings for each other. (Mind you, I was/am completely satisfied with my marriage)

After a 4 month long on-line relationship, we decided to meet in a neutral place.  Dumbest decision I've ever made.  As it turns out, this woman isnt what she portrayed herself as.  She read me like a book and played me like a new game.  She apparently picked up on all of my likes and dislikes, used them to her advantage and suckered me in emotionally.  She also worked my sympathetic side and told me all of the woes of her marriage.  I told her that I was happy and that we had all of the issues any married couple had...money being tight, raising kids ect.

At the face to face meeting, it was apparent that she was not the physical person she portrayed herself as.  She had matured well, prettier than I remembered, but just totally not the person she had described.  Aside from this concern, I entered the motel room.  Nothing but small talk for 45 minutes and then straight into sex.  I somehow seperated my wonderful relationship with my wife from what was happening, but yet allowed it to happen.  This woman tried to convince me that this wasnt cheating, that it was fate and that we were meant to be together.  The whole time, I felt extreme guilt knowing what I was doing to my marriage.  (I'd never even considered anything like this)

4 months after the only physical get together, I ended up telling my wife of the situation.  Obviously, it broke her heart.  Telling her broke my heart as well.  I never wanted to hurt my wife.  She is truly my best friend, but yet this happened.  Now the question/ questions?

Has anyone had a similar situation?  What kind of therapy if any did you use to repair the relationship with your spouse?  

I know I look like a real douche bag, but this totally out of charecter for me.  I had always been a man of integrity, honesty, and loyalty.  How could I let this happen?

[lovemykids465]

Sorry if I was harsh and offended you, as I said before I applaud you for coming on this site and admitting your mistakes, I guess coming form one who has been hurt recently I seemed a bit harsh. I understand what you are saying b/c when I found out about my husbands infidelity ( he had ended it a few days before I found out) I was crushed, I never suspected it, And being as inquisitive as I am I decided to check out his story and wished I never did, It was bad enough to know he worked with this woman ( was an emotional affair and stopped it b4 it became physical) but he told me they only talked a certain # of times.  I did a bit of investigating and found out it was many times way too many, This led me to think he was  not being honest and it was a physical affair, But after counseling I realize it wasn't. That being said the counselor said there is really not much difference between the two but IDK I am not sure I could have taken him back if he slept with her but who knows,  You are right your wife deserves the truth and I guess if she suspected you had too, I am just saying, I had no clue and then one day out of the blue he tells me about this woman at work who is hitting on him, as soon as he said it I kinda new something was up b/c of the way he said it, So I begin to check his phone and Bam there it is, I am just saying In  5 min my whole world changed, He could have just ended it and not said a word to me and I would have never known and would not live with the scars I nos do, But then he would have to live with knowing what he did and fear that I may find out, Now about you saying I was hiding something, Absolutely not. So in the long run I guess my finding out was good b/c like you we learned a lot about ourselves and our relationship through counseling and things are even better then before but I still live with the pain of knowing I was not good enough!  Your wife will have good days and bad days. I hope you can work it out. Just want you to know the pain she is going through, she did not ask for this nor deserve it, I am glad you are sorry and want to work it out with her just realize it is a roller coaster ride of emotions

[specialmom]

Well, I wish you lots of luck.  You certainly seem passionate about saving your marriage.

I think I also said I wouldn't have told and PS:  I am a therapist.  The reason I said that is that if the marriage was indeed great, you've just really put it in jeopardy.  There are mixed thoughts on whether to tell or not.  I usually find it eases one's burden and causes a huge one for the partner.  Your situation of a one time situation and a huge lesson learned put it in the category that telling pushed your relationship into a new area that it wasn't in.  Now you are in sink with your wife that yes, you did a terrible thing.  Now she will have to work out trust with you again, try looking at you the same way again, believing what you tell her, feeling secure with herself as most women feel like left over lunch after a husband has strayed, and having to deal with protecting herself in case it does ever happen again.  She has quite a burden to deal with.  While you are sure it will never happen again, it will take her a long time to get there.  Ask any woman here that has been cheated on.  

So, with your written word of what happened, I think you could have gotten through this event alone and in a positive way vs. now all that she has to deal with.  When you say that you will be dealing with the emotions together, that is actually wrong.  She will have far different ones than you.  

I don't like secrets at all in a relationship.  But one that will actually be a life changing event in which I can never go back from----------- and my husband knows it will never happen again.  Keep me in the dark too.  Took me years of working with many couples and being a human being myself to feel this way.  

I do think couples can become closer after a horrible situation---------  but it will take time.  No one here is trying to hurt your feelings and some here actually have lived through the exact same thing as your wife.  They speak from a place where they've been.  Take it with that in mind and that all love to have happy endings for a couple and that is what I too desire for you and your wife.  Good luck and take your passion and use it to push your marriage to new levels of commitment and love.  good luck

[brice1967]

Wait a second, I have taken full responsibility for this.  This was a choice, I made a poor decision.  This decision will affect me for the rest of my life, and I owned up to that.  I did it because my wife was on to something, and rather than let her find it for herself, I told her the truth.  I didnt tell her to make me feel better, I told her because I owed her the truth and the full truth.  I told her because, as much as it hurt her, she got the truth and didnt need to fill in the gaps with her thoughts.  Obviously with the trust being destroyed, she could have put whatever into this, and can still do that.  I elected to tell her the truth, to prove to her that I am serious about mending this relationship.  She has collaborated with the other woman and found proof in what Ive told her.  Through her own uncovering and with what I told her, she has the truth.  Not telling her was NOT an option, and her not knowing the truth is far worse than getting it right.  I am removing all doubt by telling the truth, and through therapy and counseling we will be ok eventually.  We will find out what led to this.  I was not completely dissatisfied with my relationship.  We have all of the problems that most marriages have....money issues, opposite schedules, kids, kids school issues, and never being able to spend time together alone.  Both she and I had a tuff upbringing and we've found through our counseling sessions, that our past is often the catalyst for things down the road.  We will get to the bottom it.  Above and beyond anything else, I told her because I realized I did not want out of my marriage, and I wanted to do everything I could to preserve what was left of it and I wanted to move forward from this point....wherever it may go.  I owed her that.

You can judge me, that's fine.  I came here on my own free will to get others opinions.  Stats say that 60% of marriages are affected my extra-marital affairs today.  I do not like the fact that I have thrown my wife and my marriage into that stat.  Through our therapists and my/our own research I've found that 80% of affected marriages survive by telling the truth and even some marriages end up being stronger through therapy.  (I believe that we can fall into that catagory)

We are finding out more things about ourselves that we otherwise might not know.  You mentioned that you would rather not know about the affair, because "what we dont know wont hurt us".  I think that is a horrible tragedy.  A relationship built on lies cant really survive, can it?  If it can, why tell the truth about anything?  My sister married a guy who was a liar, and it didnt last 2 months after she found out that this guy lied about everything.
I do not believe for a second that you would not want the truth..... I'm sorry, but that is the most ridiculous thing Ive ever heard.  Hearing that makes me believe that you too were hiding something, but this isnt about you...its about me and my marriage.  And why you say you usually commend cheaters about being honest, in the same breath you are saying that not telling the truth could have been better for my marriage.....that is nothing short of lunacy.  You're basically condoning lying or at least accepting it.  How can one deal with issues if you're not dealing with the truth concerning those issues???

I think my marriage will survive.  I am willing to do whatever it takes.  I also believe that through therapy and counseling, if the marriage does not survive, we can potentially come out stronger as individuals as our individual issues are being dealt with.  If our marriage does survive, we will know far more about each other through our counseling and be better able to help each other through other difficult times.  WE will be more in tune with each others thoughts, and better able to lift each other up in times of need. We will know more of our needs, wants and expectations and we will know the truth.  I want all doubt removed, and me being totally transparent is helping build that trust back.  

We are well on our way to recovery.  We will make it.  Our marriage is worth saving, and we both agreed on that.  

[lovemykids465]

usually I commend cheaters for being honest on this site but something about this rubs me the wrong way. If everything was great in your relationship why did you cheat? It seems you place all the blame on the woman but there had to be an issue with you to let this happen. I think you need to seek counceling for yourself and marriage counceling to help your wife heal.

I agree with the above posters.The only reason you told your wife was to  make yourself feel better. Take it from one who has been betrayed. What we don't know or suspect will not hurt us ( if it was truely over). But what's done is done. Now time to move on. But do not expect things to ever be the same. You have totally destroyed her trust, self esteem, self worth and security. Now it is time to build it back up. And if I were you I would stay off social networking sites.

[mami1323]

I've also been a victim of an affair and I think you told your wife because she already had an idea right?  You just came clean because she was asking you to?  Anyway, yes I don't think your marriage was without issues, otherwise, there wouldn't of been a need to stray.  However, it took this for you to realize it wasn't worth losing your wife over.  Commendable but it will take a long time to regain the trust.  You are now a different man in your wife's eyes.  She will go through ups and downs in her emotional rollercoaster and you will have to deal with it.  Be patient because she will not just "get over it".  I think relationships can recover if both people are willing to put in the effort to making it work again.  You may come out a stronger couple in the end but it will never be the same.  

[sandy201]

First of all, life happens, but for what you allowed is , for me , terms for never trusting again, If you didnt like what you saw in the 45 minutes you talked , and she was nothing as she betrayed then why have sex with her, why think something was going to come out of this ... You jeapordized 18 years of marriage for , this other woman, for what ? Guilt , shame , hurt, Im sure every imaginable feeling that could come to a human when this happens.. I hope your wife is alright. And thats all I can say to you, if your lucky enough for your wife to give you a seconde chance (and i do commend you on being honest) then you need to work hard and show her that you were just plain stupid, maybe a midlife crisis? I dont know, but you gave no reason why you want to venture out! So thats baffeling.. My husband and me fight once a week, it gives me the creeps to think he would do such a thing and he has a reason too.. But leave me first .Dont go behind my back and continue something with me and make me believe your this trustworthy man.Theres only a few of those men out there that are real to their relationships, and us women know that there (only a few, and you sound like one of those , so for me this is a big dissapoint, if you could do it being happily married, god imaginge the infidelity going on out there. Im sorry if I came off harsh, it just makes me sad.

[specialmom]

Hm.  What I am curious about is if you had a one night stand (and that was the cheating part)-------- learned your lesson that it was not what you wanted----------  why did you tell your wife?  Usually people say they are doing that to be fair to their spouse which is untrue.  You do it to make yourself feel better.  You should have gone to a counselor yourself to sort out why you were so interested in the affair and how you let it happen.  That is the soul searching that needed to be done.  That you told your wife indicates to me that you wanted her involved.  That perhaps underneath it all there WERE problems in  your marriage.  Could be off base but that is a common scenario with cheating.  

So you have a few issues to try to work on.  First, what was going on in your life and your marriage that you were able to be weak and found the attention of another interesting and rewarding.  Why you felt compelled to follow through with sleeping with her.  (could have just left.)  But the emails and correspondance was feeding something and obviously you needed that.  That would because of the other parts of your life----------  you need to look at that.

Second, you need to address that you  have done a terrible thing.  Completely your fault with no one to blame but yourself and that YOU will have to live with it forever.
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Third, you will need to repair the damage done to this relationship now that you've told your wife.  It will never be quite the same.  Do you think you were subconsciously trying to sabatoge it?  But you will will have to work like a dog to regain her trust and rebuild the closeness you once had.  

So, I think you need to enter therapy.  I'd work on yourself alone.  Do you think you have a low level depression that resulted in all of this happening in the first place?  Just a thought. But you need to address the first couple of issues alone.  Then you also need to see a couple's therapist to address rebuilding the marriage (and any issues that had really been there before the affair and contributed to its happening).

I wish you lots of luck.  You can make this up to her by being the best husband possible for the rest of your life.  

[jrobertson20]

Well I have never had this happen but all I can say is that you are human and make mistakes.  Your mistake though was one that carries pretty severe consequences with it.  I would suggest going to marriage counseling and then also both of you just going to counseling separately.  Please understand that you broke a big trust for her and she may or may not forgive you.  If she decides to stay it is going to take a long time for you to get her trust back.  Although I know you are hurting she is hurting much more.  I do commend you on telling her the truth.  That took a lot for you to admit to it and most people would not do that.  It does show something.  She may need space and time to think which I really think you need to give her at this point.  If I am sounding harsh I am very sorry but being a married women I can only imagine the hurt she felt and hope I never do.  You made a horrible decision and it may cost you everything.  The only other thing I can tell you is to learn from your mistakes the best you can and move forward.  I really hope things work out ok for you and your family.  

[brice1967]

Thanks for your opinion teko.  I understand that I am a big boy.  I did this and I owned up to it.  I get to eat it every day for the rest of my life.  I came clean to attempt to pick up the pieces, and know that it is going to take a lot of time.  We are both in therapy and couples therapy, and I feel that we are headed in the right direction.

Our communication is totally transparent, and I am kissing up big time.  As for prayer, I'll leave that to the believers.  I used to be a believer, but have seen too many prayers either unanswered or not even looked at by "God".  My wife is catholic....she can pray all she wants if she thinks it will help.

Thanks again, I do appreciate your opinion.

[teko]

First of all it takes two to tango so to speak and even tho you feel misled, you allowed yourself to be misled. Something is lacking inside you that you allowed yourslf to go there at all. You are a big boy and had choices from the start.

Second, while commendable that you told your wife and you came clean, did you do it because you are a man of integrity, honesty and loyalty? Or did you do it to make you feel better about what you had done?

Thirdly, regardless of why you did what you did, you now must pick up the pieces and try to regain what you once had with your wife. That success will depend largely on how she perceives her relationship with you and indeed if she can find it within herself to forgive.

This is more a luck of the draw than anything and has not much to do with anything you do at this point but more what you did. This decision now rests solely with her. I would suggest lots of open communication and kissing up and even some therapy. Most of all I would enlist the power of prayer. I hope it works out for you and I truly hope you learned something from the error of your ways. Good luck to you.