looking for words of wisdom :)

[harlie09]

I've been dating a really nice, sweet, fun guy for the past few months. I knew from the beginning that he had a 9 year old daughter who lives with her mom and he has her on weekends. I was really, truly OK with it. He also told me that when she turns 12 and can decide who she lives with, he'll probably have full custody of her.
So now we're getting a bit more serious and he's asked if I would like to meet her, which I would but all of a sudden I'm getting a bit stressed about it. I've talked to a few people about what its like getting involved with a man who has an older child and I've gotten nothing but negative feedback which has made me a bit uncomfortable.
Does anyone have any experience or advice on this? I understand its a complicated situation but the situation itself doesn't bother me, its more how everyone seems to think I should high tail it out of this relationship.
We plan on going skating tomorrow, he'll bring his niece aswell and I've asked him to invite a friend or two just so that she gets use to the idea of me before she gets use to the idea of her father and I. Does this make sense?
I'm 24 and her father is 30.
Thanks :)

[B_Antique]

I just wanted to say that when i was 10 my father re-married. it was a very sticky situation and my mother was very unstable. She would bad mouth the both of them and make us agree with her. But at that age I didn't/couldn't understand what was really going on.
I felt aloof towards the whole thing and regardless of what my mother said never hated my new step-mom. the problem was my father and step-mom were constantly worried if my sister and I liked my step-mom and knew my mother was bad-mouthing her. it caused a lot of issues and arguments like my parents asking if we liked our step-mom constantly. Looking back it all seems so silly.
Really my relationship now with my Step-mom,16 years later is okay but still seems pushed. I don't dis-like her and am glad my dad has someone. She is kind of a cold person though which doesn't help a situation like this. Growing up i believe we could've had a much stronger bond if she would've just opened up. Spent time with us. really wanted to get to know us. It sure felt like sometimes she didn't. My advice would be to give this little girl attention. Make an attempt to be her friend. Thats all i ever wanted from my step-mom but felt like I never got. At my young age then I didn't really know how to reach out to an adult to establish that. '
Sounds like you guys are off to a good start though! Every little girl can use a or another older sister/friend ;)

[Londres70]

Sounds like you are coming along great.  

Please keep us posted.


"L"

[harlie09]

Hey again!
Everything went very well the other night :) we did the cupcakes and went skating! To make matters even better, the park near my house had a snow festival with fireworks and a whole bunch of children oriented activities. Everything seems smooth so far and she had a great time. Thanks to everyone for the responses and advice, I'm sure ill have more questions down the road but I feel much better equipped to handle this.... so far :)
Thanks!!

[Miss_Direct]

Remain positive and everything will work out.  -if you want it too.

[Miss_Direct]

Remain positive and everything will work out.  -if you want it too.

[Londres70]

Yeah, that sounds super!   I am happy and excited for you.

I just love doing girlie stuff with my 13 year old stepdaughter.  The relationship between has been rocky at times, but I notice the bonding while baking and doing crafts helped us tremendously.  

Thumbs up to you!!  

[harlie09]

After talking to the bf, he was all for it! We'll meet up in the morning, go skating then head back to my place. While baking is something I am FAR from good at its something that I do enjoy and want to get better at SO we'll bake cupcakes and when they're done the daughter and I will decorate them with icing and sprinkle sin the living room. When we're done that ill give her hee present which will be something crafty and hopefully something she'll want to do right away, while my bf makes dinner, leaving us with some one on one time :)
Hopefully it goes as well as I hope but worst case scenario, I have 3 super friendly dogs and a very cute cat (she LOVES animals) to help keep things interesting :)
Ill let you know how it goes Sunday!

[Londres70]

I don't see a problem with having her over after tobagganing for hot chocolate and craft making; go with that.  SOUNDS SUPER.  

This is definitely going in a good direction from the sounds of it.  

[lilrock1007]

i hope things work out better for you then u did it for me.....but i make alot of bracelets. here is a website to check out www.friendship-bracelets.net, if u do a lil more research there are other sites with easier patterns. good luck :)

[Londres70]

Or you can purchase some sort of craft set and then you all could do a craft with the materials from the set.  

Or baking cupcakes or a cake for her birthday.  I am not sure if you like baking or do it well.  I usually bake alot of cakes and cupcakes because my stepchildren love them.  

Ice skating outside is always fun too.  

[harlie09]

That sounds like a really fantastic idea of getting to know each other a little better! I'm not sure if that's what I'll do for her birthday because I think we're going to just do outdoor activities to make sure things stay light BUT maybe I can invite them over for some hot chocolate after we go tobogganing this weekend? I can give her a present and then we can do bracelets together? Or would you wait longer before having her over?

I did talk to my bf and he said that it would be really nice if I got her something. I asked him for some ideas so hopefully he'll be able to think of something AMAZING by dinner time :)

[brice1967]

I personally think you are trying to lump too many potential problems into one sack.  "How will this all work with the daughter?"  "How will the ex relate to the situation?"  "How does the fact that I'd like to have children of my own one day?"  All of those are separate issues and need to be handled as so.

About the potential step daughter.  My mother and father divorced when I was 4.  Mom had custody but I spent some time with my father whenever it was doable.  A couple of years later, dad remarried.  My mother never tried to pit me against the step-mother.  In fact, my mom was all for an amicable relationship and let me develop my own feelings and impressions.  My step mom and father became more involved with themselves and her children than they did with me.... when my mother politely brought that to my dad's attention, dad and step mom tried to turn my sister and I against my mother.  They did almost all they could to try to prove to us that my mother was unfit.  In the mean time, they did irreparable damage to our relationships.  My mom stayed the family rock and dad and step mom basically went aloof.  My sister and I were "invited" over when it was super convenient for them only.

I'd suggest not having any preconceived notions.  As well, keep your head on straight and don't portray yourself as anyone other than who you are.  Talk with your partner and let him know your concerns.  Children down the road is something that should be talked about now.  It should be part of the planning process.  If the importance of you having children of your own is a determining factor and he is not willing, that is potentially a reason to leave.  If he is unwilling to talk about it and says future children are not going to happen, that is reason to leave.

As for how will it all work with the daughter.... that is yet to be determined and you only have so much control.  It is exactly like every other thing that you'll face.  There are so many "what if's", so its important to remember that we can only be in control of ourselves.  

Having more people around might be a good buffer, but the poster who said that you need to make sure you have some interaction with the daughter is right on.  You don't want to be over powering and you don't want to be too far off either.  This will be like a chess game and you'll have to find the boundaries and you'll have to act accordingly.  

With the daughter and the skating 'date".  Put on your friendliest face and be yourself.  Interact with your partner as you normally would but give him a bit of space to interact with the daughter.  Slower introduction in my opinion is probably easier... kind of ease into it, ya know?

[Londres70]

Well, this is what I think, you should make bracelets with her.  It seems the girls nowadays love the bracelets you can make with different beads.  That would be fun I think.  You can make one for her and she can make one for you.  You would get a bonding experience and a bracelet.  

What do you think?  

I don't see anything wrong with what you are trying to do.  It is not like you are taking her to the mall and buying thousands of dollars worth of things; in my opinion that would be trying to buy her approval.  

[harlie09]

She told me that she loves doing crafts so I was thinking of something along those lines. I haven't talked to her dad yet because I want to make sure its appropriate first. I just don't want it to seem like I'm trying to buy her approval but... she's 9.... it's her birthday.... how can I not? ;o)

[harlie09]

She told me that she loves doing crafts so I was thinking of something along those lines. I haven't talked to her dad yet because I want to make sure its appropriate first. I just don't want it to seem like I'm trying to buy her approval but... she's 9.... it's her birthday.... how can I not? ;o)

[Londres70]

Do you know what kind of music she likes?  Does she collect things, i.e. "Hello Kitty" stuff?  

What's her dad think?  

[harlie09]

You're much stronger then I am. If his ex were still in the picture in a romantic way I would not be meddling. In fact, if there was a chance for him and his ex I would back away as I think it would easier on the child to not be thrown back and forth. I'm not going to compete with someone for him, he will find and marry someone who is NOT his ex, so the big question is more just whether or not this situation can work for his daughter, himself and I. Obviously we're a long way from knowing how things will be in a year from now but so far, so good.
I do expect it to take a LONG time for us all to get use to the situation and I DO expect there to be a difficult period if things keep getting more serious, especially seeing as her teenage years are just around the corner. I don't expect to ever be a parent to her but rather a good friend and a respected (hopefully) positive role model.
I'm really happy that so many people are chiming in here, I appreciate everyone who has posted. I feel like the more feedback I get, positive or not will help me be more prepared for this journey.
Its her birthday on Wednesday, ill be seeing her this weekend, does anyone have suggestions for what I can give her? Or is that too forward? Its her 9th birthday.
thanks :)

[jordangirl]

I've been in the lil girls situation. My mom was dating this guy and when I first met him I thought they were just friends. Until my mother told me otherwise and I really wasn't to fond of him, at first. But as he opened up more he seemed pretty cool. Just took some getting use too. And now they are married for eleven years. We had some fun time and some arguements but in the end it was nice to have two dads I could look up to.

Just show her a good time and respect the boundaries but not to much. If you're looking to get too serious as marriage, you might  want alone time with her to get to know the real her and how she feels bout the situation. A lot of people don't think about the child, and it hurts them down the road and causes a lot of trouble for you and her...

But good luck,
Ash

[lilrock1007]

my ex who i am still madly in love with and think about constantly has 3 kids... 3,5, and 11 their mother has done everything in her power to keep us apart and did nothong but bad mouth me to the kids so needless to say they hate me. he has left her numerous times bc they cant get along or she cheats and as soon as she finds out we are talking again the circle starts back up. everytime she uses the kids as a "bribe" to get him to go back to her and leave me.....it never lasts for more then a month between them and seperate for a couple weeks and then back at it.......what im getting at is as long as his ex isnt a crazy psycho b**** like my exs baby mom is then things should work out.....good luck

[Londres70]

I am glad the meeting was good.  How sweet!  

Well, you are off to a good start.  

Let this unfold and develop slowly and see where it takes you.  

[harlie09]

Well, it went very well :) I couldn't have asked for it to go more smoothly! She's very sweet and polite and has a fun, outgoing personality! She even invited me out to dinner with them, very cute.
Thank you both for the great advice, I'm so happy :)

[Londres70]

Sounds like you both are pretty grounded.  I really wasn't reading "immature" from either of you.  Sounds like his choice in women wasn't that great in the past, however, he was younger at that time.  I guess, I was reading more an issue with the ex.  

Well, if the ex knows about you, I would assume she should know that her daughter will be spending time with you and her dad eventually.  I am not sure if it will be a big deal or not if you are interacting with her daughter without her acknowledgement.  In my opinion, I wouldn't think your bf would be obligated to tell the ex that.  I was just wondering if the ex knew about you or not.  In my situation after the ex found out about me that's when she became a "nutcase," however, if his ex hasn't made a "stink" about him being with you, things should be ok.  

I do wish you all the best and keep us posted dear.  

[harlie09]

The ex does know about me, does she know that I'll be meeting her daughter? That's something that hasn't crossed my mind but now that I've thought about it, I think its an important step.

You're probably right, I'm nervous enough about meeting the daughter, adding others may only add to the stress. Gosh, I can't believe a kid is intimidating me so much! Heh

As for the age difference, I realize that as far as his daughter goes, its a bit much but the actual age difference between him and I, I don't think is too extreme, especially considering where I am in my life. Most of my friends are a bit older, I'm independant, in my own home, am done with university and own my own business, which is how we met. When we met we kept things very light, we became friends with each other and each others friends then only when we started actually dating did my age come up. He assumed I was older *ouch*. I however can't argue with you questioning his previous decisions!
I can't say that I see any warning signs for immaturity, he seems to have things operating pretty smoothly from his end. I would if I was in school or still living at home but I'm probably a bit more mature then most 24 year old women... and most 35 year old men =)

The people I've spoken to have primarily been family members, I haven't spoken to them at all about the ex. I think the one that's upsetting me the most is my sister who's 2 years older then I am and her boyfriend has an 8 year old. My sister tells me that if she knew before she met her bf what it would be like with his kid, she would have walked away. She feels trapped now, I think. Anyway.

I guess ill speak with him tonight about making sure the ex knows and will see how tomorrow goes. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Thanks so much for the responses and advice!

[Londres70]

In my opinion, you are NOT over thinking this at all.  

Does the ex know about you at all?  

If your friends or the people who gave negative comments know the background about the child's mother that you have just posted no wonder they told you to "high tail it out of there."  That will have to be your decision though.  Yeah.....it just seems alot of the time it isn't the children per se, but the ex spouse, ex bf or ex gf and their issues affecting the children and the situation......that's my opinion.  And to add you aren't used to children.  

Just meet the child and see how things go.  Hopefully, it will be positive.  Unfortunately, I can GUARANTEE you you will probably not escape the drama related to the unpredictable mother/ex unless she is addressing her issues.  

You may or may not be comfortable with all this in the end; time will tell.