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Avatar universal

marriage

hi, i am depressed. My husband, I have realized, is very selfish. Everything is only about him.
If i ask him to do any small thing for me , or for the house he won't. He will leave it for years.
He does work very hard at his job, and right now I only work part time. I think he resents that.
Him not being willing to do anything that I ask, makes me feel un loved and used.
I keep his books done, his house clean, his laundry done. And work
If we go on vacations, it has to be what he wants, or he is crabby. I don't get along with his sisters at all, they are also very selfish people. I cannot deal with selfish people. I don't know what to do. I am day dreaming more and more of a life by myself.  There is no telling him anything, he tells me he is burned out and can't handle anymore. and he will not let me pay someone else to do these things. I am not capable of earning too much money bcz i have somemild  illness so I probably would have a hard time supporting myself.
Thanks any feedback would be appreciated.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, that is such a treat for someone to come back and especially since things are going well.  peace and hope it stays on that path for you hon.  good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you Tink.  Hope you are well...
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Avatar universal
How nice of You to come here 2 1/2 years later  to express Your gratitude.  I'm glad things have changed for You and You are feeling better about Your marriage.
Regards
Tink
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Avatar universal
Hi , It 's Pitter from above posts....
just wanted to put this out there, I haven't been on the forum for a long time., I hope you are all well, and thank you for helping me when I needed
it.   Things are fine right now, we are still together, His mom moved back to the west...  :)  Haven't had any big issues,
thank you to God., and to you all for lending an ear and a comment!

God bless!
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Avatar universal
Sounds like a combination of things explains why he is acting the way he is and why he is the way he is.  

Is he open to therapy at all?

Seems like he is willing and trying to work on these issues.  Hopefully he will remain consistent with this.
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Avatar universal
great lyrics you have written here!!!
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Avatar universal
hi Londres.
well we seem to have cleared up some grievences. Hopefully we can keep the lines of communication open and keep the respect going.
Obviously we both have our own issues that come out with stress.
Yes my money making abiliites have changed, with illness. I am not that bad, but can't do long days on my feet everyday anymore. Yes I do think that he resents that, bcz he was made to work too hard as a kid. He has already worked a lifetime's worth compared to alot of people. But I do think I carry my own weight in our house!
He was also getting in a bad place bcz of his work stress, and taking it out on me. I think is what was happening. I do love him alot, but he is somewhat selfish. He was single until we met, he was 36. He was used to taking care of only himself. And his mom and dad fought alot. His mom had no self esteem. I know that it takes 2 to have a conflict, but i think i have to stand up for myself.
There sometimes is a point that I have to be willing to stand up to him, than to let a really bad thing evolve and let an abusive relationship happen.......
I do things for him all the time, but I am not the maid.  He told me (yesterday) that he would do what ever he needs to do for the relationship. I thank God for that, bcz I was thinking it was going to end. Cuz I was sick of being stuffed for anything that I wanted. He was worked too hard as a kid, in his family. And yes he is burned out, so I try not to ask much of him .But there are a few things that he has to do, that I cannot do, or pay someone. He fixed the light, and at least looked at the tv. I will wait a while for the curtain rods!!! He is a perfectionist, so he doesn't want me to mess up the window frames with holes, so he says he will do it, yep, 2 years later, not done!!!
Okay, I will accept progress at least.  It is better than it was yesterday morning!!!      thank you again for talking to me!!!
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Avatar universal
thank you for your thoughts!
i do need to become my own person again.
and I will. Going to take some computer classes next month. it is a start!You are right , not good to get  too lost in another person.
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3149845 tn?1506627771
Follow up on the lyrics you wrote. Dumb and funny songs sell as people like something different to here. We are all sitting on a million dollars and just dont know it. You have inside yourself something very unique, your life. Please understand that we have a perception of ourself that is fueled by others. People like to make us be them as reinforces their own existance and gives credibility to there openions and views. We get lost in other people and the longer we are alive the deeper lost we get. Bring your life back out. It is full of precious events. Your marital situation needs to be put into perspective. I wrote the below about the big picture, Titled "Keeping it simple"
"So brave are we just to awake in the morning.
Such tremendous activity both above and below.
Molten earths core burning off itself.
Planets so dense not even light escapes.
Novas and Flaming Comets exploding the sky.
The Universe edge where what we know stops.
Are we part of This or is This part of us.
Now This is the wonder!!"
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Avatar universal
Sure, that's ok dear.  

I hope this talk you had with your husband takes you two into a more positive direction.  
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3149845 tn?1506627771
Like is not what you make it but life is what makes you! What do we really know about anything. we ge up in the morning and to the same things we have always done. If it were not for him being weird then you would not get in volved in life. we are creatures of habit as the saying goes but you can also create a habit of being on top of things. Continue with your lyric writing and keep a note pad next to your bed as most good thoughts come when your relaxing. I telling you for sure "it is never to late to be famous". Create your life, your are your own best friend and are always there when you need you! Without question without judging YOU ARE THERE FOR YOU! you were with you when you were born and you will be with you when you end this life. Only you will be there when its all said and done!!!!!
dave
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm happy for you.  In all honesty, many a person feels like their relationship is at the end when they are going through a touch period only to come back closer to their partner afterwards. Be patient with him as he isn't perfect and changing dynamics of a relationship takes time.  But the good news is that he wants this to work too and that in your communicating to him, he responds!  That makes me very optimistic that you'll get things on track.

Luck and peace dear
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Avatar universal
Thank you Londres
I hope you saw my other responses above, you gave me alot to think about. Right now I am relieved,
and  drained. I will come back tomorrow...
thank you...
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Avatar universal
Thank you special mom!  Thank you all for your help today. I feel so much better!
One thing is...that I didn't let him get away with it too!  I finally got really pissed at him and let it out last night.,
Good thing I did. Now I feel like he does still love me. He said he does. I put that question out there, do you want this relationship or not, cz I'll just move on if you don't. I really was at that point.
He is under alot of stress, but he was taking it out on me. His dad did that to his mom. And I will not become her, or their relationship.....
ya know , it was really  painful, but I did put it on the table. He didn't have a good role model either.  Thank you specialmom...
thank you all for helping me today!!!!! I was feeling really bad!!!
also I give thanks to GOD, I was praying all day too. Thank you Jesus!
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Avatar universal
Thank you Dave> Wow, that was very insightful. Yes we did create this pattern, and I did let him be controlling. He is a strong type, and protective. So it was nice at first. I feel like I helped create a monster.
Creating my own world with  him in it, that's great!  I just have to figure out what to do with mysetlf. started wlf for a career. It is hard after 50. And with (mild Rhuem arth.)
That is so funny that you said writing song lyrics! I fell asleep this after noon and dreamt about this really funny dumb song. I actually got up and wrote it down. (honest)
Welll the day did get  better , hubby came home, and he was also upset and wanted to talk. And we did, and got alot out in the open. I did suceed, in not letting him keep on stuffing me and my needs. I think if I didn't say anything, this could have become an abusive relationship.  I am not going to let that happen. I do not want to be alone. But I won't be stuffed down. been there done that.  Thank fully, I do think now, that he does really care, after our conversation today. (obviously not the first time)  
I intend to keep shooting for better!!!  Thank you for your  input!!!!
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, this is really good news.  I tell ya as one married lady to another . . .  marriage is full of eb and flow.  There are down periods in every relationship.  The fact that he is telling you that he's been upset as well and he's wanting it to get better (and fixing the lamp, etc.) is fantastic!  That is very hopeful.  He just may do marriage counseling if he would like this to be a happy union as well.  

Think about the idea of perhaps your having some mild depression.  With a chronic illness, that can certainly be the case and wouldn't be surprising.  That then clouds how we see the rest of the things in our life.

Anyway, keep plugging away at this.  I hope it works out for you.  Let us know how it goes, we're always here!  good luck
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Avatar universal
HI RockRose.
I guess yes it does sound like I have no real sucessful relationships.
I have gone for therapy about this, ans she told me that I always chose people who were sort of abusive. So I am being very picky whom I trust.
I do have a few friends, but I hate to bother them with my problems, cz they have their own.
Good advise though. I have not had the best of luck in my relationships.
I do need therapy.
my mother left when I was a baby. That started it all! And I was brought up in an abusive foster home...lucky me!!! On my own at 14.... I never learned how to live. I have had to figure it out for myself. It isn't easy. At work, there are a few nice girls, one serious alcoholic, and 2 gossipers, and one who is in a abusive relationship herself  .....
but  alas... the day did get better! My husband came home early to talk! And we were able to talk alot. He was upset too. And things got clearer for both of us...and he fixed my damn lamp!!!!
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3149845 tn?1506627771
If you have been married for quite some time then you both have created a life style that is hard to break esp for a man. You allowed his dominancy for many reasons but thats no longer the issue as you have what you have created and is done. You have a habit life style that took time to create and also took some manipulation from both of you. To change this will also take time and also some manipulation again. I cant tell you what how to change this but you know how already as you help create what you have. Just use the same tools to change it but dont tell him you are doing it. He is being himself with you but if you have lost the desire to continue on with him just remember you will get to the same point in another relationship unless you just want to be single again. I personally feel its better to be with a person than alone. Also instead of making him your world make a world for yourself
maybe focus on being famous like writing poems, song lyrics or creating a simple patented product. Instead of making him your center make the world your center with him in it.
dave
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Avatar universal
Was the marriage like this from day 1 or did this start AFTER you became ill?

"I think he resents that I ONLY work part time, and don't make  alot of money. I had alot of money when we met."  What is this all about?  Did you work full-time at one point and had alot of money to contribute and now you only work part time and can only contribute a small amount of money?

I am not sure but perhaps he is viewing what you are doing for him in the home is not equal to what he has to do at work.  He feels he is doing way more then he should for you.  He might even view your honey-do list as more nagging and annoying.  I am thinking he is viewing you as a source of stress along with his job and NOT as a person who has wants and needs too.  

"There is no telling him anything, he tells me he is burned out and can't handle anymore. and he will not let me pay someone else to do these things."  Well....wouldn't he really be paying someone else to do these things and not you since he is making the majority of the money?  Perhaps he thinks you should do some of these things and there is no need to pay someone else.

He could be mad that you are more dependent on him now since you are ill.

Sounds like you two aren't really meeting each other's expectations at this present time and are becomimg more and more resentful of each other to the point of loathing each other.  Sounds like your illness changed the dynamics of the marriage.  

There is no way to earn more money for yourself or work full-time? Or receive disability benefits?  Do you have any friends at all?  
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13167 tn?1327194124
pitter,  I think you would benefit from some personal counseling before marriage counseling.  You sound depressed.

Do you have any successful relationships right now?  You say your family hopes you fail,  your coworkers would just gossip if you confided in them,  you don't like to be around your sisters in law because they are selfish,  and you aren't getting along with your husband.

At this point,  I think you need someone who knows you to give you some perspective.  Since I don't know you,  I can't see this as clearly as someone who does,  but it sounds to me like you don't have any successful relationships at all.  

Best wishes.
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Avatar universal
ps., no children and 2 dogs. And yes I have tried to tell him, and he explodes and turns it all around and makes it like I am a slave driver.
I don't ask him to do much. Like fix the cable tv in my excercise room, hang a small curtain rod, hang a towel hook into a stud. Fix my bedside lamp (wiring, he doesn't want me to get a new one. He told me to put this ugly old lamp in there, that will stay that way for years if I do.) So , no light in bedroom. I hope I didn't go on too much. It just  feels good to let it out!
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Avatar universal
Hi and thank you for your reply!
I think he resents that I ONLY work part time, and don't make  alot of money. I had alot of money when we met.
I do excercise when I can muster up the energy. Right now I just feel like lying flat on my face on the floor and staying there.
I am so mad at him right now. We have both been in bad moods at each other for a few months now.
I used to think he loved me,, but I just don't now. And I don't have much family that cares about me. I could never tell them about this. They would probably be glad to see my  marrriage (me) fail.  And at work, if I tell any one there they would gossip all over about it.
I will ask him if he would go to counseling.  He probably won't spend the money. I just don't like him very much right now. He doesn't see me as a person with needs and wants of my own. He jsut feels so sorry for himself bcz he works hard.  Thank you again special mom for listening and commenting back.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  Well, it certainly is sad when we grow apart from our partners.  I'm sorry to hear that this is where you are at.  Has the subject been brought up to your husband?  Have you told him how you feel?  Not in a "you're a terrible guy" kind of way but in a "I feel distance from you and then all of these other things become more annoying --  kind of way".  Being equals doesn't have anything to do with how much money one makes over the other but is more about respect.  You say he may resent you for working?  Why would he?  Why do you think that?  I'm just curious.  

I would encourage you to find some things in your life that you do for YOU.  What hobbies do you have?  I pursue those hobbies.  I'd exercise as best you can on a regular basis as it is so good for us in many ways (including emotionally).  You are not a servent to your husband but rather your own  unique person and even if you stay with him . . .  I'd begin to live that way.

Is counseling something he'd consider so that you two can reconnect?

Do you have children?

Only you can decide if you should leave or not.  But while you are figuring that out----  begin doing more for yourself to feel fulfilled and try to communicate with him about the state of things as you see it.

good luck
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