might want a baby, husband says no.....

[torque]

well my husband and I have been married for 5yrs now. I am 26(27 next month) and have gone back to school. I have been going for the past 2yrs full time and have about 2.5yrs left. he has been supporting me the whole time. well when we got married we kind of agreed on not having children. we are kind of selfish and like our "toys". lately I have been thinking that I am only 60% sure that I dont want a baby. My family seems to have a record of early menopause, so it has me thinking. I have planted myself in ALOT of debt from school and was hoping to be working right after graduation. If I finish my degree when I am 29, and work for a few years, I figure by the time I am 32 or 33 I might be ready, but what if he's not? Do I leave him and run the risk of having to find someone else? And then possibly not being able to conceive?

I tried talking with him about it, but he is very stubborn. He said flat out no- he does not want kids. has anyone ever gone through this, or does anyone have any advice? I know that I am talking about a few years down the road, but apart of me feels like I have to know for sure what I want. I am trying to have the attitude where if it is meant for me to have a baby, I will have baby. A condom can break or whatever. If I wait too long and I cant get pregnant, I am always going to wonder if I could have gotten pregnant if we tried earlier. But on the other hand, I am not 100% sure yet, so I dont want to have a baby now just because I might want one in the future. Any advice would be appreciated!

[teko]

First things first. You are in school, in debt? Finish school, but start letting your fellow no now that you might want a child and that you are not 100% sure either way right now. Ask him if he would leave you if you did end up pregnant and try to find out why he absolutely wants no children? You can open the discussion now and go ahead and finish school, but leaving the lines of communication open for discussion on the whys, hows, wherefores etc. It could be a dealbreaker for him, but my bet is that if he thought he could lose you by not allowing a child, he would bend maybe just a little and just for you.

[specialmom]

Blessed, I am glad that things worked out with you and your children and that you have a relationship with them.  I had my first child at 38 and the second at 39 as that is how my life worked out.  They have brought me more joy than I can tell you.  I'll be one of those old parents you speak of but such is my lot in life (and theirs).  I agree that a stable home is important for kids and a couple should consider that before conceiving.  

[Blessed51]

The truth...Every woman on earth has a desire to have a child.  Not every man wants the responsibility.  If you are mature and under the age of 30 and you are not married, this needs to be the number one subject discussed prior to marriage.  I pray you both have God in both of your lives because bringing a child in this world needs both parents, not a new step dad or step mom.  I was married for 13 years and had two children.  I love both with all my heart.  She decided one day she was no longer happy and divorced me.  Not only did she divorce me she alienated my children from me for over 16 years.  During the divorce years she found it hard to ever get remarried.  Great damage was done to both of my children but in time they finally realized I was not a horrible man she painted me to be.  I now have a relationship with both of my precious kids but they had to live in an unstable home for years.  The effect it had on my daughter was devastating and made her very cautious of men.  My son saw my side seeing me drug in court for years for his mom's bitterness of her decesion.  If you think having a child will make your family stronger, you better think about your wedding vows and not become another statistic among the divorced crowd.  A life is precious that means your life and your husbands life and well as your childs life.  If he says no and your desire to have a baby is greater than your love for your future husband, move on or you will become another statistic.  If you are married and he has a sound reason to say no, like he was married before and has two children from a previous marriage and your wife's mother is pressuring you into having a baby...and your desire is greater to have a child than your love of your husband, you really don't love him anyway...you will soon be another statistic.  This is honest advice.  You do deserve to have a child, If you are over 40 and waited this late... you are probably a child of divorced parents.  I am sorry, but you will be at least 60 when your child turns 20 and you have a career that demands most of your day.  Is this fair to the child?  This child will become another statistic.  I hope this helped...it is honest advice from a father of a 51 year old.

[ccic]

hi, I can you that my husband of 23 years said no kids 18 years ago.  I said then we need to think about not being together.  he gave in, and now we have2 teen boys, and not a day go by that I don't hear him say, "Don't you wish you listened to me?" meaning why did you have these kids.  My advice is if he says no and you want them rethink your life plans.  I am now, after some of my best years have gone by.

[torque]

Thank you very much! I am sorry to hear that you are divorced, but you have to do what is right for you. That really is excellent advice though. I will see where it takes me. Thanks again!

[poco1023]

I was in the same spot you are now. Before my husband and I were married we decided we weren't going to have kids, we loved our lives with the fact of not being tied down with kids. As i got older, I started to rethink that once I hit 30 and discussed it with him.  He still was not into it, so I let it slide. I spoke to him at 35 knowing I didnt want to have kids after the age of 35 and he was still strong on his decision to not have kids. I have to say I was upset, but we did agree that we wouldn't have kids so I had to respect his decision.  My husband and i are divorced now after 17yrs of marriage and I have to say I guess it was a blessing we didn't have kids  since we did split. Give yourself a time limit and if he doesn't want them still at that time, you have to respect his decision since you did both agree in the beginning.  maybe in time he will change his mind. Good luck to you.

[torque]

Thank you to everyone for there thoughts. I know this is something that I am going to have to deal with when the time comes. Like I said, I am still not 100% sure that I want a child. SO, until then I will not bring it up to him. It is just nice to know that I can talk with others to get their thoughts. I cant talk with anyone in my family or close friends, because they are too close to the situation. It is nice to hear outsiders give their opinions. My family wants me to have a baby and have been pressuring me, which I know I shouldnt let them influence my decision at all. Our friends are friends with both of us, so it is just too weird to talk with them about it.

I know I will definetely not pull an "accident" on him. If I want to have a baby I know that I would want his backing. I think that is a decision we both need to make. I really appreciate everyone's responses!! Thanks again!!

[pertykitty]

oh the stupid women that think a baby will make him stay. that is why there are so many young girls on welfare with no father around,or fathers.

anyway, you have to decide if your love for him is more than the desire to have a child. if it comes to be that you must have one before you leave this earth, then you will have to figure that out together. sorry, there really isnt anything anyone can say to help you.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

That is horrible advice, "go ahead and have a baby if you want, he might accept it".

Yeah, trick the poor guy and then saddle him with a kid he clearly told you he didn't want.  Poor child, what a horrible legacy to give him or her.  The world has enough children who are growing up in disfunctional homes.  It takes two to make a baby and both should make that decision, not just the woman.

Original Poster:  If you really want a child and this is nonnegotiable with him, you will have to consider if this is the man you want to be with.

[missers]

You and your husband need to have some serious discussions.  If he is still adamant, you might want to try counseling either together or by yourself.  If you do decide YOU want to have a child, and he still says no, please DO NOT just go ahead and get pregnant anyway.  A child is a huge responsability and not something to enter into lightly.  If you truly cannot come to an agreement, even with counseling, it could be justification for parting ways.  But tread carefully here.  Find out why, if you don't already know, why he is so adamantly opposed to having a child.  Communication is the key to a successful relationship.

[BABYGIRL2006]

I would have a bay when iam ready too but its best to do it before 35 year s old to me its a little harder but if you are ready  have one  he might except it or he migt run i dont know

[anxiousmomtobe?]

You made the deal not to have kids before you were married, he may never come around to your way of thinking.  And you need to leave things be as you are only creating friction needlessly.  Wait until you are 100% sure you want kids before you discuss it, then you will see where you stand.

I have friends who had agreed not to have kids, and after they wre married 10 years, they both had a change of heart.  They are now expecting their first.