Avatar universal

mother daughter relationship

I am 29 yr girl who had a vry troubled childhood. I lost my father at a young age of 6. Further, I lost my only sibling aftr 8 years due to prolonged sickness. I was away staying wth different relatives & sent to a boarding school. While growing up, I did well at school and latr during higher education & did self-studies wth no guidance. I was a mature kid who wd nevr spend money as I tried understanding my mom’s financial condition, nevr make any immature demands, & took complete responsibility of my grooming. b/w yrs14 to 22 that I stayed wth my mom, I remember it as worst time in my life. I am affectionate & sensitive girl who likes to cuddle/ giv affection, do things for her, throw surprises etc. but my mom is exact opposite. She was insensetive, dry, loud & unreasonable person who cud nevr sit down & run conversation & had limited social skills. She wd shout at me, beat me, abuse me, insult me in front of ppl & say negative things abt me to friends/relatives that created a perception abt me. In spite to being good student, she nevr appreciated me but kept criticzing me. I wd try hard to make up wth her as I always wanted lot of love & wd bend down in front to her to get that. As I started getting mature, I realized that she had vry troubled relationship wth my dad & was violent wth him.  I remember she wd take me/sibling & run away. Ppl arnd her, friends & family, were sympathetic abt her losing her son/ husband & nevr showed her  reality & continued being nice to her, which made her think that she was right. I was most ideal girl parent cud imagine – nevr got into drnkg/smoking/ BFs/ doing wrong – & did well at school & spent remaining time reading. But my mom, became more & more violent. She wd insult me in front of ppl, & because I was quiet & little evolved, I nevr bothered abt wat “others” thought of me. I tried having conversation wth her several times, but she wd just start shouting n abusing. At 22 I left home & start living in diff city for work. I used to make it point to be home every weekend. She has a large family & evry month some relative or other wd visit her. Initially I didnt mind them being there for my exams, imp tests, .. but slowly I started realizing that these ppl hav no sensitivity to my time/ things, & were using our home as base to stay over. They wd stay royally at our house, & expect us to run errands for them. My mom wd be extremely nice to them, & talk abt me to them. These relatives to support her, will discuss me wth her & make  environment in house more negative. Her relatives wd come & stay wth us for 2-3 months at stretch every now & then, & drink & run  house as their own. During this time, I wd confine my self in my room behind my laptop/ books. All her relatives are not vry civil ppl – they all hav wife throbbing, divorce, etc. behind them. I tried cutting myself from wat was happening in my house most times. At 24, I realized I had to plan my MBA, marriage & career on own.  Since I was outside house it worked, but not having parental support discouraged me & i felt depressed when I looked at other ppl.  Further increasing encouragement from her relatives who wd spark negativity to her in stead of explaining her, only ruined things. I took charge of my life but continued going home to meet mom regularly as she was my only family & I  wanted to show her that I loved her. She wd say odd things to me in front of my friends so I stopped having friends over to meet me or go out wth her family/friends. wen I wd try explaining her smthg abt me, she wd shout at me, hit me in front of her servants & do things that I can not tell anyone like throw away my expensive things, throw my clothes outside  house at 2 AM, pull me wth my hair outside  house, tear my clothes, spit at me, scratch me etc.  Initially I didnt react, but as I got older on couple of occasions I was so infuriated that I wd hold her really hard to stop her. I started thinking I was a terrible person & wd keep apologizing to make things ok. I wd not be able to eat or feel ok for days aftr these episodes, but she wd eat & be normal  next day but not talk to me for weeks together until I called & said sorry & say that I wd change. I had vry successful career & personal skills, & here I was all broken in my family. I wd stay up & cry all night & wonder why I was born in this environment & wished so badly for having normal  family. Time passed & I got married to decent family & an amazingly good guy that I loved.  guy was from Harvard MBA & I thought it was match of equals given my career. my mom wd feel happy having seen me do well both personally & professionally. But she didnt. she made my marriage  most miserable time of my life & her relatives said/did things that were so inappropriate during my marriage that it totally ruined my exp. I cud nevr speak abt my mom’s violent behavior to my husband, friends or husband’s family, as I wanted them to hav good “impression” of her. Also, I thought it someone knew my mom had all these issues, they wd start projecting this behavior to me. But my mom didnt change. For first 4-5 months aftr marriage, I didnt go to my home only as her relatives were still arnd. They wd say strange things in front of my husband that wd make him look at me in astonishment. Also wenever they were there, they totally controlled  house, house workers(house help), things, my mom’s behavior, & I wd feel like second hand citizen in my own house. But when they left, I visited my mom smtimes. I realized that she had not changed a bit & she wd still do  same things to me. On one occasion she got me so upset that  I left  house at 3 AM & drove at night in India even though it was vry unsafe. she wd tell her relatives/friends things like I nevr visit her, I am selfish, I’m violent etc. & gain self sympathy. I realized that its weeks & smtims months that she doesnt bother to call me. Since I donot hav  a family, I really miss having a mom & give in & call her. I cry nights thinking abt how I miss having a mom & how I can nevr tell this to my husband. My husband comes from a vry emotionally settled background so he doesnt understand why my mom has such a relationship wth me. He is not vry fond of my mom but visits her to keep me happy. Its been 3.5 yrs since I hav been married to him & I hav nevr had a problem or an issue. But inside me I hav so much grief as I crave for a mom/ my own family. Smtims  I become so negative that I go in my shell & am unable to give anything to my husband. He keeps asking me to get rid of past but I am not able to. I sit up all night thinking abt my mom, her security, her well-being & crave for her love. I hav not been doing well professionally since last 2 yrs now & smtims I fear that children who are estranged from their parents nevr do well in life, & enter a negative spiral. I just donot know wat is  solution. I try cutting off from my mom – but then there are times I miss her so much that it just makes me low for weeks. I feel negative & act self-destructive most times. Ppl who know my mom, tell me she canot change as she was like this wth my father also & I need to move on. But am not able to. I feel bad abt giving so much love to my husband’s parents (inlaws) & having my mom feel like that. I feel bad to speak to my husband abt this & sit lonely for hours thinking for solution to this problem. On top of that, there is no one I can ask to counsel her. Her relatives keep coming & staying for months & give her emotional security that nevr makes her think abt me. I do all her financial planning, retirement & health planning & there she is not even an iota grateful. her relatives make case worse by coming & hanging in our house for weeks & saying more & more things. I am pushed to see them even if don’t want to meet them as they stay in  house for long time. I donot know wat to do & how to handle this situation. I love my mom & want her & at  same time can not continue to live wth these things. Pls advice.
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Avatar universal
You need to cut off your mom.  It may hurt for awhile, but look what she has done to you?  You are going to want to tell your husband how you feel.  You never know just how helpful he can be until you talk to him.  
You keep saying that you have no family, but that is not true.  You have your husband, and he should be all you need.  
You can rise above these feelings if you put your mind to it.  It sounds like you may have some depression from being treated this way.  Maybe a therapist would help you?  
No matter what happens you will always love your mom, but sometimes when you love someone you know when to let go.  
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Avatar universal
I agree with teddy you really need to cut that woman out of your life. It will hurt, it will make things difficult but it's what you need to do. For your own well being and for your own mental health. I also advise getting into some sort of therapy. It will help a LOT.

You have your family now. You have what sounds like an amazing husband (open up to him!!! Tell him everything you told us here. He will understand. He will help you.) and good in-laws. If they are loving, lean on them for support. Look to his mother as yours. My mother and I have a good relationship BUT after being with dh for 5 years and married for just over 2, I see his mother as my own.
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