my bf can't sleep without his 5 year old daughter

[oscarina]

Today I decided I had enough... I'm in a 3 year relationship living together for 2 years  and she had her own room and own bed since last year I got my own place.. His 5 year old was living with her mom and now because I moved out she lives with him..living together she had to sleep on the same bed..OH LORD I was alwaysss uncomfortable...I hated it cause she kicks in her sleep 1 time even peeed on me and i would complain alll the time..but he didn't care..he allowed it.. I had to sleep on d couch soo many nights....he didn't care how uncomfortable I was..he let her have her way...
Now we sleep over by each other's house and this child sleeps with him in BED.... She has the same habit to sleep with her mom... She has to sleep in his bed otherwise she won't sleep... I had a serious talk and he agreed she would sleep in her OWN ROOM in HER BED..it was going good until he started doing it again...she got the flu and told me he is sleeping with her cause she is sick
4 days after I'm still sleeping alone...
Now I'm staying there for a week and she has been there for 3 days and again I'm sleeping alone... He even got intimate with me then went to sleep with her after..this morning I just couldn't take it no more..I feel like a GUEST in a house I use to live in... I'm not able to be free when she is there if I wanted to sleep alone I would stay in MY home..
I left today because I feel that I don't matter 1 bit when it comes to his daughter... I know u can love ur kids but this is extreme and crazy..u have ur girl in ur bed and u ain't gonna enjoy that???? He should he able to respect my wishes that when I'm there in his house I should be able to sleep with him cause that's why I'm there to be with him and
Not alone..when I'm not there she does what she wants..
I have a good relationship with her but 1 night she told me she wants to be in the room cause this is her house and I didn't live there... So today after being neglected I left.. I don't understand why this man is acting like this.. Come on... He is in a relationship with some 1 he should be able to respect my wishes how is it possible for us to be together if alone time is only when we r alone? Which isn't all the time since we live separate... S
ome 1 HELPPPPP me pleaseeee... I don't know what to do cause he doesn't care!!!!!!   "Other than a vow of silence to say that I can't do it anymore"

[Londres70]

"I made some chamges in my life to welcome him and his daughter so why can't he compromise @ times."  Well....this is your answer and solution to the situation.....don't stay.  If you are the ONLY one compromising "this and that" and he isn't really reciprocating he isn't the one for you.  

Right now the issue is his 5 year old and his bed, next it will be another issue and then probably another issue, etc. and he probably WON'T be compromising then either.  

The situation is what it is and really shows you that your bf is NOT interested in compromises or changes on your behalf.  

If all this is going on after 3 years I would assume say you are "spinning your wheels" and getting nowhere.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I think You need a new BoyFriend.  One without Children.

You've told Him what You want, He isn't giving You that so, that's Your answer.  You either accept this as is or You move on.  This isn't worth it to anyone for You and He not to see eye to eye on this - It's not worth it to You, to Him and most of all to the Child.  First and Foremost She IS His Child - if You don't like His Parenting Style, You'd best move on before You and He wind up with one You can't agree on how to Parent.

Good Luck

[nursegirl6572]

One more suggestion.  To start with, why not get her a cute sleeping bag, she can sleep on the floor on his bedroom, and you sleep in the bed?  Make it fun, a camp out..and explain that she's getting to be such a big girl, that this is the first step torwards being in her own room, in her own bed.

That might not be a bad idea.

[nursegirl6572]

I'm sorry, but I think you're approaching this wrong.  As evidenced by this statement:

I just took off yestersay and I just don't wanna go there till he understands my point ..let's see .

You're basically making him choose.  If he IS going to give in, it won't be for the right reasons...like trying to get his daughter to be more independent..it will be because you are in so many words threatening to leave, or being angry and upset, until he relents.

I don't disagree that there should be compromise, but what you're asking is a bit unreasonable.  Youre asking that when you come over to VISIT...the girl gets booted, and you sleep with him.  That's just NOT going to work.  She's used to sleeping with him (AND her Mom)...she will be traumatized.  He has to ease her into it.  That would actually be mean.

How about having your sleepovers when she is at her Mom's?  That way, you get to sleep with him, but not at the expense of his daughter, or at the expense of his feelings (if he really feels strongly about the current situation).  In a lot of ways, her sleeping there is probably important to him as well.  He may have some guilt relating to the failure of his marriage that left the girl feeling insecure.  That isn't necessarily a GREAT reason to have her co-bed, but it may satisfy a need for him as well.

Does he compromise with you in other parts of your relationship, about other issues?  If this is the ONLY real issue...why can't you just wait it out?  Gently encourage him...for everyone's own good, to start easing her into her own bed.  He sounds like he would be agreeable to that.  Instead of making demands, offer helpful suggestions.  

Offer to go shopping with them for new bedding...be a part of the process, and try to make it a positive one (if he's agreeable).  Try to be patient and realize that it's not going to happen overnight.  Be supportive of her efforts.  If she makes if half a night in her bed...take her for a treat, an ice cream, something.  At this point, she may be viewing you more as competition, rather than a friend, and part of that may stem from this issue.  She may see you as a threat...someone to come between her and daddy.

This is a good age for him to start transitioning her into her own room, and it sounds like he'd be on board with that, but due to past failed attempts, he may not know HOW.  He may sort of feel stuck.  Offer a helping hand, and tell him you're willing to be patient while both of you work towards getting her to be more independent. It would be great if Mom started the same thing at her place...more consistency for the girl.

I just think in the grand scheme, it's just not a huge deal.  I understand you need that intimate time with him, but I think you could find other ways to get it..plan a weekend away, stay over when she's at Mom's..something.  Then, HELP him transition her to her bed.  I don't know if you're a Mom, but once a child co-beds with a parent, it's NOT easy to get them to their own bed.  It takes time and patience.

If none of the above is acceptable, and he's not willing to budge, then you're going to have to make a decision about whether or not you want to stay and deal with it. Just don't give your BF an ultimatum, don't make him "choose" under the threat of you leaving, or you being mad at him.  IMO that's just not fair...this is his daughter after all, and in the end, you have to respect that.  Entering into a relationship with a partner with kids comes with many many challenges.  If you back a parent against the wall when it relates to their children, they're going to pick them every time, as they should.  And, that doesn't mean he doesn't love or adore you...it just means his kid(s) will always come first.  

I know it's a stressful situation, and for that, I'm sorry.  You've spent 3 yrs of your life already with this man.  Wouldn't you think he'd be worth waiting for until he can get her into her own room?  I do.

[oscarina]

To supermom...thank u for ur advise I just don't feel to talk and explain the same story ...I want to make it CLEAR to every 1 that the child is not the problem I have always given then their space and I don't interfere except with this request,,, I understand why he sleeps with her but he is in a relationship for 3 years so this is nothing new.. I made some chamges in my life to welcome him and his daughter so why can't he compromise @ times? He already agreed he would..from what I see he doesn't care I did the right thing by speaking to him about it.. I see its a relationship issue....I also respect that. His daughter comes first... But hey live 2 gether and I believe that if I understand she comes first he should understand that when I sleep over I should sleep with him and spend alone time instead he sleeps with her I even agreed to see him on weekends due to her going to school... That's compromising!!! Its hard enough to deal with us living separate and now I have to accept that when i$ sleeping over I have ze sleep alone? What is that? As his gf I should get that comfort @ night..I don't want to take all his time... I see that its him who doesn't value me or the fact that I'm in hia life Well I just took off yestersay and I just don't wanna go there till he understands my point ..let's see

[RockRose]

I think this can be distilled down in to two different statements:

1.   He is right to put his daughter before his girlfriend.  Parental love and responsibility is unconditional - he owes his daughter his full attention,  the kind of attention she would get if he had done things correctly,  which is to marry a woman,  produce a child and then stay together to raise the child.    It doesn't always happen that best case way,  and when the mommy/daddy relationship fails,  both parents still owe it to the child to put the child first,  and any other relationships in their lives second.

2.  It is kind of unhealthy for a 5 year old to insist on sleeping with daddy.  

[nursegirl6572]

Specialmom made some awesome points.  

I stand by what I said in the other thread.  I can definitely understand your having an issue with it, because it affects you and your comfort, and if you lived with him full time, you may have more of an argument, but because you just stay over here and there...I honestly think it's a little much to assume that your BF is going to interrupt their patterns for you.  I think, in some ways, it's unreasonable to ask.  

Like SM also said...this is not in ANY way the fault of the child.  You seem to direct a lot of your discontent towards the child and that is NOT fair.  This is between your BF and you, not her.  She's already made comments to you about it being "her house", which indicates she is aware of the problem with the sleeping arrangements, and that's not right.  Children assume most every problem is their fault anyway...she doesn't need any reinforcements in that dept.

Also, if you got your BF to agree to force his daughter to sleep elsewhere while you are there...that will very possibly cause her to have resentment towards you, and you don't want that.

Relationships are about sacrifice.  You could say that your BF isn't compromising. but again, this is his CHILD , and he SHOULD put her needs before yours.  You may not like that...but that's the way it should be.  If she was 12, I could see more of an issue, but you're talking about a little 5 yr old girl coming out of a divorce, who is USED to sleeping with her parents.  Then, you come along and she is kicked out, to her own bed.  Can you imagine how that would be from the perspective of the child?  Not to mention...this kind of thing requires a process to ease her into sleeping in her own room...it won't happen overnight.  She's going to need reassured, comforted, and there will likely be some failed attempts.

I like the saying "choose your battles wisely" a lot.  This seems like one of those situations.  If you have no other issues with your BF, and your relationship is a good one...is this REALLY that important?  Only YOU can answer that.

Good luck, hope it works out.

[specialmom]

Hi there!  Well, glad you started your own question here.  :>)

I will reiterate what I posted on the other thread.  It can be so hard to figure out how to deal with all the unique things a parent does with their children when we come into the picture.  All families have their own way of doing things and kids often just don't know any better.  A child that sleeps with a parent may seem odd to someone coming into the picture but the parents set it up this way from the begining.  My kids never slept with me----  I just didn't do that.  But I have friends that started it when their kids were little, like and still do it.  

Your boyfriend started that with his child a while ago and doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

That he is your boyfriend and his decision on sleeping with his child bothers you----  this then becomes a relationship problem.  That he is not going to change things to please you or compromise on it is HIS deal and not the childs (unfair to blame the child in any way).  You then need to decide if you are willing to stay with someone that has other priorities than  your feelings.

I will tell you that I'm of the mother camp that does probably put my kids and our 'ways' ahead of other things, so I understand when a parent chooses to do that.  

It then makes the match with someone that has a problem with it a bad one.

I would think that perhaps you'd be happier with a different partner that would be willing to compromise with you and wants you to be equally happy in the home as his child is and he is.  

Does that make sense?

If there is still wiggle room, you can talk to him again and see if he'll compromise and set limits on sleeping with his child.  But I do caution you that this is just the begining.  There will be things that always come up with his child that you'd have to deal with---  with his seeing things different than you and it being a battle to get him to compromise.

I do wish you luck hon. It's hard.