my fiance doesn't want to get married

[twoshy]

I've been engaged for 4 years and I feel that my fiance really doesn't want to get married.  We've talked about it and he says that he loves me and wants to marry me 1 day and if he didn't he wouldn't be with me.  I gave the ring back to him until he is ready to commit to me.  We are still engaged but he hasn't said anything else about getting married. I love him more than anything but sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time and don't know what to do. We are so good together and make each other happy.  I just don't know what else to do?  Please help!!!

[Hollyz32]

Great comment. ..congrats e

[Princesa_Boricua]

I'm in the same boat engaged 2.5 yrs dated for 11 yrs and now says marriage isn't necessary! We live together for 6 yrs now. Says the divorce rate is higher now. I feel it's just an excuse because he has property and such and doesn't want to include me in it.. I have his ring and he said to me the other day.... "u said if I got u a ring that u would be happy with just that!" Now all of a sudden u wanna talk about marriage" so I'm sad here do I give him back the ring he gave me on Christmas Eve or should I leave and take it with me... And blame him for breach of promise to marry???

[specialmom]

Well, lots of good points by many people here.  I'm just going to be dead honest.  You really aren't engaged right now.  He doesn't want to marry you or won't or whatever.  You've made your feelings quite clear to him and he is still saying no whether it is with his words or his actions.

I'd not marry a man that I had to 'drag' into it.  I want a man to see me as a 'CATCH' that he just couldn't live without and wanted to honor me by making me his wife.  

If you didn't care about being married yourself and saw it as 'just a piece of paper' ---------  I'd have different advice for you.  But as you sound like me--- and see marriage as important and a statement----  then, I'd take seriously the statement he is making by NOT wanting to marry you.  

While I know you love him, he has some kind of issue that you need to take a closer look at.  Maybe HE is not a great catch afterall.

But every woman should feel honored by their partner and if marriage is important to you---------  this man is not for you.  I'm sorry as I know this is NOT what you want to hear.

And yes, I'd decide to leave him----  upon your doing so, he may change his mind and see you as the 'catch' that you are.  Otherwise, you deserve to be treated better.  good luck

[trakennedy]

All I can say is run!!!! Put your self first you could meet a great guy who would put you first then u can have your own kids

[Londres70]

Keep us posted.  

Good luck.  

[twoshy]

I'm waiting on the right moment to have a conversation with him.  We've been so busy.  I just want to thank ya'll for your comments and suggestions.

[Londres70]

I wouldn't give him any type of ultimatum, but just seriously and calmly talk about this.  I would just start out saying that you love him and how much marriage is important to you then ask him is this something that he is still considering for you all or not; simple as that.  It doesn't have to be anything intense.  Just keep it simple and concise.  Hopefully, he will say he feels the same way and put the ring back on your finger.  

Sounds like you do love him a great deal, however, he just might not be the best situation for you.  I hope he is NOT basing his marriage decision on this ex with the children, if he is.....well......nothing you can do but stay and accept this or leave.  I would be leaving at that point.  On the other hand if everything works out between you two I am not sure how this "ex" will behave about the kids if he still continues to be their "father" figure.    

Like I said, I do understand the difficulty of leaving someone you have spent so much time with, but if he is not going in the same direction as you .....move on.

He has got to want it just as much as you.  

In my case, I sure wasn't going to stay around and "grovel" at his feet begging for marriage, so I ended it.  

[sweetpea03]

I wouldn't give him an ultimatum, but I would bluntly ask him: are we going to get married?  When is that going to happen? If he can't answer those questions directly, then you have your answer. Some times it is better to just cut your losses and move on. If he can't decide about marrying you, then he doesn't want it bad enough. My fiance really wants to marry me and talks about it often, as it should be during the exciting time of an engagement. He doesn't seem like he wants it all that much, so it would be a good idea to talk to him to see where he stands. Hope it all goes well.

[twoshy]

I'm not going to lie about it...It has come across my mind that I'm wasting my time and maybe I should move on.  We love each other so much and we get along so well.  We also talk about everything and make decisions together...except for marriage.  It's hard for me to talk about that with him.  I really want to talk to him about it and push the issue because it's driving me nuts not knowing what he wants and thinks.  Should I give him an ultimatum?

[twoshy]

My fiance told me on the last conversation we had that he got mad when I gave the ring back but he kept it inside and didn't say anything. That was back in July 2011.  It's eating me up inside not knowing what he's thinking or what he wants to do.  I'd like to talk with him again about getting married but I don't want to mess things up anymore than I already have.  

[twoshy]

Yes we've lived together for 4 years. His ex-girlfriend had twins in 2000 and he found out when they were 3 years old that they were NOT his so he's been in there life every since because they don't have a daddy.  I have no problem with that.  The kids and I get along great.  Last year the ex-girlfriend threatened him that if we got married then he wouldn't be able to see the kids anymore.  I'm thinking that has alot to do with us not getting married. I feel that if we love each other as much as we do and get along so well it shouldn't matter what she says or thinks.  It should be about us and our life together.  

[brice1967]

Playing the devils advocate, I'll approach this at another angle.  (I think both ladies above offered very sound advice, by the way.  I just want you to take a good look at yourself first.)

Part of your first sentence says, "I feel my fiance really does not want to get married."  You went on to say that, "I gave the ring back".  

I am not being critical when I say this, but doesn't giving the ring back seem a little like you don't want to get married?  I understand that you are looking for commitment and I love the saying "wouldn't buy the cow if I can get the milk for free", but keep in mind that this commitment runs both ways.

I'm not making any excuses for this guy.  I don't even know the cat.  I just want to to take a good look at everything that is going on, and take a real good personal inventory to be sure that marriage is what you really want, and marriage with this guy is what you really want.  

I'll go on to say that putting an ultimatum out there is probably not a good approach, but if you expect to be married in the next 2 years and he can't commit, it might just be time to move on.

Also, back to the "I feel" comment.  Don't feel.  Simply ask.  Are we going to get married?  When do you imagine this will happen?  If that doesn't work for you, you move on.

Good luck, and I wish you the best.

[Londres70]

Sweetpea makes alot of great points.  

I wasted 4 years myself with a "commitment" phobic man.  I left him and shortly later I met my current husband.  Best move and descision I made.  

It wasn't easy to leave and I loved my ex as well, but I loved myself more to want the best for me.      

[sweetpea03]

Do you live together? Sometimes men get comfortable and if they already are acting like a married couple, many would ask why even get married. Like the saying "why buy the milk if the cow is free?". If you already do everything as a "married couple", why should he marry you? If that is the case, I would suggest you move out as a starting point. Then you may also want to have a discussion with him about the relationship. Where he sees the relationship in a year, in 5 years? If he can't give you a straight answer, it may be time to just move on. It's not worth wasting your time waiting for this man who may never make up his mind and figure out what he wants. A friend of mine was with her boyfriend for 7 years, engaged for 2 years, and then ended up leaving because he would never set a date. She's now with a new boyfriend who actually wants to marry her and is happy to do so. It's a hard decision to make, but don't get hung up on a guy if he can't commit. If marriage is important to you, then find someone who wants to marry you.