I am married, but in love with another man...

[Tori5331]

OK,here's the story. My husband and I have been married for 7 years, in a relationship for 11 years. When we met, we were friends for quite some time before beginning a romantic relationship. He is a wonderfully sweet man and is a good father. For the past 8 and a 1/2 years, we have been on opposite schedules. First 4 years he worked nights, days for me. Now the last 4and a 1/2 years he has been a truck driver. Gone for weeks at a time. Just recently, we moved out of state to help some family members and possibly start a new adventure in our lives as well. I don't know anyone here besides 1 person and they are rarely around. So when I went back home for a visit, I met up with some friends to hang, and saw a dear friend of mine. We talked until the wee hours of the morning, and discovered that we had a connection. We chewed it back for a long time as he is in the process of getting a divorce, and I am not wanting to rock either boat. However, we continued talking, just talking and I found myself in love with him. He says he loves me too. I don't know what to do. My husband and I have grown up but not together, and I am in love with another man whilst my husband still loves me. Sex has been nonexistent, and we still are friends. We have discussed separating, but are unsure of how it will affect our boys when really that's what is most important. The decisions we make shape and create our children. Please help. I am very torn. I still respect and care very much for my husband but my heart has me wanting to be with the other man. I don't know what to do.

[specialmom]

I too am just thrilled that the advice here was not taken in a bad way but used to help you.  I think you are on the right track.  And as you are definitely someone that seems to really use your head, I think that the cards are stacked in your favor to work this out.  I also greatly admire when someone sees the value of families staying together when kids are involved.  I wish you and your husband the best of luck moving past this period of time and bonding again with much happiness to come. peace and keep us up to date as to how it goes.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

I too was glad to read Your last post!!

I REALLY like what Your Mother told You - You L I S T E N E D - You are not  an  "idiot" (your word, not mine).  You are open to other opinions besides Your own - that is always a good thing.

I Think You and Your Husband Are Lucky To Have Each Other

[remar]

It can be very hard when your husband is gone from home so much. My husband is an owner operator and he's gone alot too. Yes, it can get lonely. You have a good man though and so do I. There can be temptations in any marriage. You have to remember those vows you took though. For better or worse. Sometimes the worse seems like it will never go away. I was really happy to read your last post. Good men can be hard to find and you're lucky to have one. He's lucky to have you too.

[Tori5331]

Thank you. I have spoken to my husband and we both were having doubts but still feel better together than apart. I am ceasing all communication with my "friend" because until you three said it, it was something I just wasn't seeing. You're all correct. On all accounts. I appreciate you taking the time to point out what was blindly in front of my stupid face. My husband's a good and honorable man. And I am just lucky enough to have found him. My mother said that she and my father fell in and out of love a lot but never stopped trying. So I have some crow to eat but I feel like an idiot and should remember that he came into my life and stayed no matter what came at us.

[nursegirl6572]

I was going to re-post the quote of yours above that Tink did.  You need to read and read your own words.

I agree with sm's post.  You owe it to yourself, your husband and mostly your kids to give this marriage a shot.  If after some time and work, you both determine that it's not working, THEN you go from there.  Going from your marriage to another man is NOT the answer, not at all.

I agree too that you're likely not "in love" with the other man.  It's something new and exciting, but love is a lot more than that.  You have a long history and a family with your husband.  While your relationship may be lacking in some areas, you cannot dismiss the connection you have, even if just through your children.

It's the right thing and the respectful thing to do to cease any and all contact with this other man, and put your time and energy into working on your marriage.

Best of luck to you.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I Ditto every word SpecialMom offered

followed by Your Very Own Words:

"the decisions we make shape and create our Children" !! !!

It's my opinion that "love" should be a much more clinical aspect than we make of it.  Don't go around "falling in love" but rather "G R O W and B U I L D love.  "Love" is more endurable when we keep our heads about it.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.  here is my best advice, talk to your husband about another situation for his employment and try to get that back on track.  He's not doing anything 'wrong' to you, being abusive, or a bad husband.  You've drifted apart.  You owe it to your kids to try to make that marriage work and fix the problems that you and you and your husband has.  he's doing the job he is, remember, to help support you and the kids.  It's a means to an end which is money you need to live on.  But I think that open communication about looking for something that is more relationship friendly would make sense.  Then plan some one on one time with him to reconnect.  

you most likely are not in love with the other guy.  You talk a lot.  Okay.  You are in love with a fantasy.  And this other guy is the kind of man that talks up a married woman for hours . . . not exactly an honorable man.  He's going through a failed marriage and hasn't even taken the time to figure out where he went wrong there and is now sniffing around for someone else.  Weak.  And flawed.  

And on top of that, know that love is just an emotion like any other.  Just like hate.  it can come and go.  I'm sure you felt love for your husband at one time, right?  

so, I would end the chit chatting and emotional affair with the other man immediately.  And throw yourself into your marriage.  If after a year or so of honest effort, then you can officially leave that marriage.  Then it is prudent to take some time to figure out what the issues were because it takes too and so many women go from one man to the next repeating patterns that they aren't even aware of.  the cleansing time after a relationship and especially a marriage ends is so important.  so you are a couple of years out from being a free woman.

And in all honesty, my hope would be you can work it out with your husband.  because I know your kids would want this the most.  You say it yourself, they are your biggest concern . . .  so you should act on that statement and do what is in their best interest.  good luck