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Avatar universal

should I stay or leave my girlfriend?

Hi, I would like to use this opportunity to ask for advice from someone who doesn't personally know me or my girlfriend:

I have been with my girlfriend for more than 7 years, and we are both in our late 20's. For five years we had a great relationship, we were good friends and enjoyed a good sexual life. The last couple of years she has lost sexual desire for me. We used to have sex 2-3 times a week, but now little more than 1 time a month! I am not happy with that, and feel very frustrated. I cheated on her once about a year ago, but have not told her, because I am ashamed of it. After some time we finally started talking about the sex problem, and she also feels bad, because she loves me but cannot satisfy me. We have tried wathcing porn together and talking about fantasies etc, but she is plainly not as hungry on sex as I am. I love her too, and we are still good friends and have many things in common.

I am sort of a "one woman guy", and have always thought of her as my life partner and future mother of my children. With the trashy sex life, I am afraid I will lose my control again when I go out drinking and pick up some other girl.
To prevent that, I have started watching lots of porn, smoke more weed than I used to, and aquired other bad habits.

I don't think she  r e a l l y  knows how much sex means to me; I cannot do without it. It is also humiliating to be rejected in bed several times. I know I am attractive and can get other girls, but I am afraid to lose what I have now. Besides, will it be any different with any other girl? I have heard that the majority of women lose their sexual desire for their partners after several years in a relationship.

What should I do?

I look forward to suggestions from both guys and girls!
23 Responses
142722 tn?1281537216
Leave and find someone who is better suited for you.  You cheated on her, if you loved her as much as you say you wouldn't have done that.  If you can't reslve your issue of sex with her, you never will.  You can try try try, but if you still feel like you will cheat - leave.  It is not fair to her that you cheat.  I wouldn't want to be with a man who cheats or picks up some woman in a bar.  
148691 tn?1260198503
my first advice........go to a sex therapyst.
my second advice.......stop that very NASTY habit of doing drugs. Not a true turn on for a woman.......AT ALL.
my third advice......instead of 'switching' a good healthy life you could have with your woman for a nasty lifestyle of drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc.......why don't you just sit a moment to think about what YOU are doing that might cause her to not desire you. Have you ever thought about it?......maybe those habits you have, who knows, maybe the way you burp (an example) in front of her.....or maybe the foreplay is not too focused on her.....or not long enough?? do you romance her??? do you kiss her???

Definetelly, if you want a HEALTHY relationship, you NEED to start kicking the UNHEALTHY lifestyle you have, and after 'fixing' yourself, and seeking couple's help, then you could think maybe it's not meant to be....???

Good luck.
164559 tn?1233711618
And you will never have a relationship where sexual desire doesn't come and go.  I have a teenager, a 3.5 year old and am 20 weeks pregnant.  I run a business and serve on a couple of volunteer boards, as does my husband.

Sometime it is a LONG time between romance.  Just makes it all the sweeter when we do connect.

I think you should leave this woman.  You have already cheated on her.  

And I agree with vs, clean up your act.
Avatar universal
I did not watch porn when we had a good sexual relationship, that was something I started doing as a substitute. And yes, I do kiss her and give her lots of attention. What's more, I don't see the reason for going to a sex therapist because I want to have sex more than once a month with my girlfriend?

But you are right that I have to clean up my act in some areas. I am working on it.

anxiousmomtobe: Yes, sexual desire comes and goes. That is natural, and has happened to both of us in the past. Now it seems to have stabilised on a low level, however.
148691 tn?1260198503
Oh, i understood that part......but i don't think it's helping.....besides, why do you watch porn for? frustrate yourself even more?
Mathew, at least me, I don't think that's the best decision you can make......and yes, it sounds silly to you, but if you think there's an issue with your sexuality, YES, the best thing you can do (I am assuming you two already sat million times to have a discussion about this and can't get into an agreement?) is go seek professional HELP. There's nothing wrong with that, but that's if you wanna improve your sexual life, if not, then keep doing your drugs, infest your computer with porn-site viruses and cheat on your woman......but i can tell you the outcome for that right now........2 VERY hurt people........and one of them in rehab.....
I'm glad you pay attention to her....and kiss her and romance her......, but really, ask yourself, without justifying at all........what am i doing to keep her away???? or what are the circumstances that she doesn't feel comfortable? maybe the place is too dirty?? (another example.....) or....who knows!...

Have you ask her directly??? what does she say?? if she just says 'i dont know'......i think a sex therapyst will help bring out the issue easier.....
13167 tn?1327197724
Hmmm.  I agree with some of  your statement,  that women often don't realize that most healthy men need sex to function,  they don't just want sex as an outside hobby.  I really think many women really don't understand that.

But I'm kind of curious about your relationship in general.  Seven years is a LONG TIME for a couple who intends to spend their life together,  and have future children together,  without getting married.   It's like you're in dating limbo.  I wouldn't put out for a guy who dated me for 7 years and thought I'd be the future mother of his children but didn't marry me.  

One final thought,  has she been on birth control pills this whole time?  Because that knocked my sex drive to zero,  and truthfully,  having sex even once a month would have been a grim chore.    If she's in her late 20's and really has virtually no libido,  and is on the pill,  maybe she should consider using another form of birth control to feel normal again.

Best wishes.  I don't think you should stay in a relationship where your girlfriend has no interest in sex,  you aren't married and there are no kids to think about.  

191716 tn?1217243363
First when you want sex from her asked her if she reject, at least you've tried, try to do other things - good things like reading etc. whenever you feel like it (I know its difficult), don't have it with others its unhealthy because the next time you will have the urge tendency for you to do it again is greater. Don't leave her for another relationship that you won't know wheater it's gonna workout or not. Sit down and have a serious talk with her. Tell her your problems and tell her what you've done, about the part you cheated on her is up to you, you can tell her if you think she's going to be your soul mate (you don't want to have any secret with them) but if you think otherwise then it's better to keep some secret to yourself... Good luck keep posting.
173939 tn?1333221450
If she is the woman of your life and you always imagined having children with her, I would really not toss that relationship yet. I think you sound pretty responsible, less the cheating and the weed..... While other guys would have a bunch of girlfriends lined up on the side at the first sign that their partner does not fulfill their needs, you have kept yourself pretty much "under control". You have to find out if she has a specific reason for reduced desires. Maybe she went on the pill and that changed her libido, maybe she thinks you have certain phantasies that she can not live up to. You never know - and we don`t know here either. Maybe she has different goals in life now and is not sure if you can be part of it. No idea. If you are happy watching porn for the rest of your life, okay, but try to find answers and a common denominator. It is not that all females lose their desires after a while but you do not often get the perfect package of great sexuality, intelligence, looks, personality, humour etc. in one person. You may have to decide which trait is the most important for you for the next decade or more before you talk to her.
Avatar universal
ok i will give u my situation. I am a girl and have been with my bf for 2 years now..my sex drive is wayyyy low and it is because we never do anything anymore,
he never compliments me or says he loves me out of no where and the passion is just gone, then when it comes to bed time he just says wanna have sex? im like ohh yeah let me tell you you just really turned me on!. but really what goes on outside the bedroom effects what happens in the bedroom and thats why i dont want him lately. but yeah thats my own experience so maybe ur girl is going through the same thing? if i were to give my bf advice on what to do i would say act like we just met, clean ur house before i come over, brush ur teeth when u know im on my way, actually engage in conversations with me.
When we just watch t.v and talk about work all day its not really a turn on.
be cute, say some jokes, show some personality, some interest, show me you love me.

Avatar universal
Your relationship has evolved over time where it is now comfortable. Your gf not having sex with you is not a justifiable reason for your self-destructive behavior (drugs, cheating, etc.). Either you absolutely love her to pieces and you are ok with the fact that this might be how it is forever (or it still could change and get better) or you break it off with her. It all depends on what your priorities are and what you feel you can handle. It is totally unfair to her, though, to go out drinking (and use that also as an excuse) and find someone for sex. If that is what you want, break it off with her. I am sure there are plenty of women out there who would be interested in what you are interested in (just don't make them your gf and you will be able to get what you want all the time). However, if you want a long-term relationship than you must also take with the package that relationships change drastically over time. It could be that after therapy or even just talking your way through this that the sex life will come back. It probably won't ever be as frequent as the beginning of a relationship, but love is so much more than sex.
Avatar universal
Thanks a lot for the comments!

We are going through a tough period, but have decided not to give up on each other yet. It has been interesting to hear your views on this, and some of the suggestions are certainly worth considering. But it is also kind of strange to discuss this intimate topic with strangers, so I will leave it there.

Kind regards,
145992 tn?1341348674
Not everyone's intentions in life are to get married.  You seem to respond to everyone on this board that if they are not married there is something wrong.  Can you give advise without the notion of them getting married.  I do believe in marriage but I'm not going to shove it down everyone's throats.  It comes when the person is ready for it and by the sounds of this poster their relationship is taking a turn for the worse.  It would have been worse if they were married.  They were obviously young when they first started dating and took their time to grow and develop.  People in their 20's change a whole lot throughout that time and although they were close in the beginning, they may have grown apart.  It happens to a lot of people.  Part of sustaining a relationship sexually and emotionally is making an effort.  Try to make the sparks fly again, mention some new things to spice things up.  Cheating is not the answer and neither is drugs.  If there is still no hope, try counseling because 7 years is a long time to let go just like that.  Maybe this relationship just ran it's course.  If you want it to work than the only thing left to do is try.
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