stepdaughter

[concerned415]

I recently married a wonderful man who is very loving and affectionate.  He has a 17 year old daughter from a previous marriage in which he shares 50% of time for the past 7 years.  my concern is that they are too casual about matters of modesty...she's in same bathroom talking to him while he goes #2, she leaves her dirty underpants (g-strings) on floor in her bedroom and bath for him to pick and wash, he buys all her underclothes from victoria secret and has comment to me, "you could learn from my daughter (as he was folding her underwear) as to what underpants I should wear." this was very hurtful and insulting  I felt like I was being compared. whenever she stays with us she hardly ever comes out of her room or talks to me and when she does need something from her dad she just hollers for him to come up...requesting that he bring her food up or go out and buy it, which he does each and every time.  My first week here she stayed with us and was not feeling well.  I went to take some food up to her and she was laying on her back no covers and her private parts exposed thru her skimpy shorts.  I quickly set the food down and walked out and shut the door.  she has also come downstairs with just a tshirt and underpants...yep...gstring.  she also wears very short cut off jean shorts that most girls nowadays wear.  He has recently asked me to wear some like these and has expressed how excited it would make him. I have also seen her sit on his lap at our engagement party, my kids were very uncomfortable with this and asked me if she had issues I said I didn't think so but that they were just close.  The day before we left for our honeymoon she was sitting on a stool and he was standing in front of her she with her legs wrapped around his waist.  I walked in and they separated.  I think one of my kids were in the room not sure though.  I was taken back by this?
When we were dating he used to leave me intimate message...how much he missed kissing me, stroking my body etc...you get the picture, but in the end he said I love you and said his daughters name instead of mine.  I had to go back and listen to this several times as I couldn't believe what I was hearing...that day she was scheduled to stay at his house but went to her mothers instead and he was telling me how he longed to spend more time with his daughter.  I know this happens when we get names confused and her name starts and sounds a lot like mine. I pray this was a slip up but later when he called me he kept saying my name over and over as though he had realized what he had done.  should I be concerned?    

[specialmom]

Um.  Well, I won't go about saying whether what SHE is doing is right or wrong, but what's up with this wonderful man you've married?  

When the kids asked "does she have issues" . . . UM, equally one could ask if HE does.  

If all that you say is true, I think you are angry and upset at the wrong person.  

Your husband is a weirdo if this is all true and his daughter is a product of his weirdoness.  I blame HIM and not her.  If you have a weird/creepy dad, you might turn out a little off balanced as well.  

I don't know what to tell you.  I am sorry that it is like this.  I'd be packing my bags and IF you believe he is fantasizing about his daughter, you need to call her bio mom or report him to cps for investigation to protect her.

good luck

[auric489]

The fact that she spends so much time in her room is normal for a girl of that age. The rest... perhaps she has become habituated to his strange ways. Her lack of modesty suggests that she sees him as a buddy and not as a parent. The whole suggests that the three of you need to sit down together and have a very frank talk about all this.

[Londres70]

Totally agree with nursegirl.  

It is unfortunate you married this guy because it is apparent he has an issue with boundaries or a lack thereof with his daughter and you.  Come on....he wants you to dress like his 17 year-old daughter...CREEPY.  Plus, he is buying undergarments for his daughter from Victoria's Secret.....SUPER CREEPY.  

Sorry....you walked right into a mess dear.  

"I have also seen her sit on his lap at our engagement party, my kids were very uncomfortable with this and asked me if she had issues I said I didn't think so but that they were just close.  The day before we left for our honeymoon she was sitting on a stool and he was standing in front of her she with her legs wrapped around his waist."   And you still married him?  Even your children noticed there was something wrong.  

Have you talked to him IN DETAIL about all this?  If you have and he doesn't see a problem.....GET OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE.  

[nursegirl6572]

Wow.  Should you be concerned?  ABSOLUTELY!!!!!

It's one thing to have a man who spoils his daughter rotten, waits on her hand and foot, and so forth, but there are some serious boundaries being crossed here that I personally would NOT be okay with.

He buys her underwear from V-Secret?  Totally inappropriate, and then for him to tell you YOU should wear what his daughter wears, because it would "turn him on"?  There's just so much wrong with that, I'm not sure where to begin.

It's hard to tell whether there is something inappropriate going on between him and his daughter, all I know is I wouldn't be sticking around to find out.

So sorry you are in this situation, but you really need to listen to your gut and the red flags that are going up EVERYWHERE.