Avatar universal

still a virgin at 45


this is new for me.  but im hoping someone has some advice for me.  i dont know that  you will as i have never encountered this before myself, but im hoping someone might have something to say.

im seeing a man, he is 45 and still a virgin.  i am his first girlfriend  EVER.  first kiss, first everything.  (we havent had sex yet and its been 9 months).  i understand he is used to being alone, but he is so selfish.  i tell him all my deep dark secret wants and dreams and hopes and everything i feel for him, but he just either says thank you in the right spot or looks at me like im an alien from another planet.  he would rather go to a softball tourney than help me move. (my mom is 60 and in poor health and can hardly help me if at all.) when i tell him it feels nice to hold him all he says is thanks  i never get compliments, only backhanded sorta insults and he thinks this is a good compliment.  im not beautiful but im not ugly. im not skinny but im not fat either but the worst of it is, im not his type because im not a stupid super model.  i love him dearly but im fed up with his lack of concern for my feelings.  can any one help me?  any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.  thank you.
44 Responses
13167 tn?1327194124
Do you think it's an accident that he reached the age of 45 without ever having a girlfriend?  

What do you see in him?  He sounds incapable of a relationship and he also sounds like a jerk.
Avatar universal
I know.  It's no accident he reached 45 and never had a girlfriend.  But he DOES show a side of himself to me that he doesn't show anyone else.  He will pick me up from work even if he is in a place that is an hour away.  he has been there for me 100% thru the death of my step mother whom i was very close with.  he is very aware of certain things but other things just escape him.  i honestly believe its because he doesnt know how to be a boyfriend.  he is very introverted.  he has been a nerd his whole life.  wallflower.  i adore him.  he does care for me a great deal.  i know he does.  he has said he does.  im just in need of a little more than he can give i guess.  i dont know.  im so confused.  
Avatar universal
You can't change him or fix him. If you are frustrated now, think about if you get in more seriously with this guy.

I've only dated one virgin - I was 40 at the time and the guy was 38. He was one of the most socially inept people I'd ever met. I invited him over for dinner and said, "why don't you bring something to drink?"  Instead of bringing wine or something else enjoyable, which sort of goes without saying that's what you do, he brought water in his bicycle water bottle and drank it during dinner. I kid you not.

I don't think this guy is an emotional match for you maturity wise. All of his "great" qualities are sort of clouding up your view of the negative  sh*t, and I think the negatives here are pretty big.

I hope this guy isn't proud of his virginal status. Being  a virgin is a liability, whether you are a woman or a man. It's not something to be proud of, IMO. It's just a state indicating you haven't had sex, but we don't live in the 18th century anymore (although some around here would like us to be, though). If he got to be this age  without a natural curiosity for sex and what it means in the context of his relationships with women, I think he is someone I want to steer clear of.  
184674 tn?1360860493
Have you considered couple's counseling? Maybe that would help, because I'll bet most of his problem is just what you said--he doesn't know how to be a boyfriend.

As a side note, have you ever seen the movie "40 Year Old Virgin?" This movie is pretty darn funny (although raunchy and vulgar; definitely an adult movie), and the main character just has no clue how to relate to women that he feels attracted to. Then he gets a girlfriend, and he really cares deeply about her, but she begins to think he's insensitive and careless when she wants the relationship to progress and he just "doesn't get it."
Avatar universal
Come on, ACHE, you gotta  be kidding us. You think it's appropriate that this guy throws around backhanded digs and insults and he thinks it's fine?  You think it's okay that he doesn't treat her with some semblance of dignity and respect? I don't care what  "size" she is or that she doesn't look like a supermodel. How many of us do, for chrissakes?  Hurling insults, especially in the form of humor, is immature and thoughtless.

But this is pretty telling, from the  OP:

"But he DOES show a side of himself to me that he doesn't show anyone else. He will pick me up from work even if he is in a place that is an hour away. he has been there for me 100% thru the death of my step mother whom i was very close with. he is very aware of certain things but other things just escape him."

He's never shown anybody else these "sides" because he's never had a girlfriend!  Listen to yourself, please. Any man who doesn't make you feel good with his words AND his actions isn't going to be an appropriate partner for you.

I hate to bring this up again, because I've mentioned it more than once around this place, but the bottom line is that you should go into a dating situation, a relationship, a partnership, a marriage - any of them, at any level - you should go in assuming that  THINGS WON'T CHANGE.  Because 9 times out of 10, they won't. Then where will you be?  

I sort of glossed over that he was your first kiss. I guess I assumed he's never had intercourse or BJs.  This guy has never kissed a woman and he's 45 years old.

'Nuff said.
184674 tn?1360860493
Couple's counceling was only my suggestion because she said she "loves him dearly but is fed up with his lack of concern for her feelings."

She also said that she's convinced he loves/cares about her.

The guy is a 45 year old virgin who's never had a relationship before. Sounds to me that he just needs a wake-up call on how to be in one with some good counceling. How else is he going to mature in this area of his life?

It's just up to the original poster whether or not she wants to be the one willing to help him mature and remain in the relationship with him.

Why is my advice not acceptable to you when you're not even the one asking for it?
154765 tn?1237247944
This guy doesn't sound right to me. He  will never change...
Avatar universal
omg, i never meant to cause an argument between people on this forum!  lemme try to clear some things up just a little.  i mean i made the poor guy seem like a mean evil rotten cant care for anyone arse!

the "digs" he gets in arent so much digs as this:  went to a concert, of course always half nekked women there, so jokingly i pointed out a particularly busty bleach-blonde for him and he says he isnt interested in someone that looks like her, he would rather have someone with brains that he could talk to.  my problem?  he hasnt ever really said im pretty.  ugly either.  just tells me when i dog on myself that im not ugly, im not fat, etc.  doesnt give a compliment. although he has said he likes my hair.  oooookkkkkkk

last night i told him that he felt really nice to hold on to during a really nice hug, his reply?  thanks.  i got butthurt and came unglued and told him that it would be nice if he could just once say something nice about/to  me.  he looked confused and said he didnt know how to feel about me saying that since he thought he has said nice things to me along those lines.  i said think again buddy.  he is still thinking.  

he knows i have to get out of my apt cuz of the changes being made around there regarding seniors and not seniors (im not a senior therefore whereby i have to vacate) and he also knows mom cant really help me much cuz of her health.  his reply?  you know ive been planning this tourney for awhile.  i cant back out.  my feelings?  get the hell over it.  i need your help.  so what did i do?  kept quiet, wrenched my back and can hardly use my right wrist for the carpal tunnel, arthritis, tendinitis and bursitis aching so bad from me moving so much last weekend on my own.  that one, he deserves everyones anger for.

but mostly he is sweet, caring, would do anything for me any time i ask him to.  its just when it comes to being unselfish, he has no clue how to do this.  he has been alone so long and without love from his family and has never had a friend he could truly call a friend that he has no clue how to act in the real world with real people.  he let me in.  i see the real HIM.  what he is capable of and how deep the hurt goes from lack of love from everyone.  im getting thru to him, but its taking too long i think.  maybe couseling would be a good idea?  i dunno.  i appreciate all of you responding as you did.  im just sorry i caused an argument!  
Avatar universal
id move on. whats he saving it for? besides, virgin or not a selfish man at 45 will not change. i find that characteristic to be a hard one to live with.
154765 tn?1237247944
Move on... He still doesn't sound right to me I think he will never change. Believe me...
Avatar universal
i dated a man that age, very selfish. didnt compliment, didnt put me first ever. he would actually get out of the car and go into the restaurant before i could get to the door (my opinion not nice lol). anyway he never changed, after 3 years. the only thing that kept me around for that long was the most fantastic sex ever!!!! but even still not worth it looking back. i feel if you have to come on a message board and complain like this, maybe he isnt the one for you. do what makes you happy.
Avatar universal
i know.  im probably one of the most unselfish people i know and i know that sounds so awful to say,tooting my own horn and all,  but i can see it now.  that im always the one to give in every single solitary relationship i have ever been in and then they take take take and when im either tapped out or done giving I GET THE BOOT.  he is sweet and has a lot of good qualities, but i think maybe you guys are right.  the bad well outweigh the good in this one.  if he has to think about whether or not he has given me any sort of compliment then he probably hasnt.  and if he hasnt given "IT"  up to me  yet, then im not the one for him.  sex is a special thing, but not that damned special.  (oh and just for the record, he would bring wine or beer instead of a water bottle for himself to dinner.  he is inept, but not quite that bad, lmfao)

thanks for the insight guys! i appreciate your input.  talking to you and another friend of mine has opened my eyes to the fact that this probably wont work and will only get worse.  especially since im moving pretty far away from him and we wont be able to see each other but maybe on weekends.  oh well.  i do care for him and i think i do love him just a little but the hurt i feel daily isnt worth it to me any more.  

thank you
Avatar universal
Well, he sure knows how to stereotype. Just because somebody is a "busty blonde" doesn't mean they don't have any brain cells or you "can't talk to them."

But he's not necessarily doing great in the "easy to talk to" department, either. People in glass houses and all.

He's clueless. Move on.
154765 tn?1237247944
Nothing is wrong being a virgin at 45 yrs old and it sound like to me no one wants sex with this guy cause he sounds like a Loser!!!!!  Your very smart not staying with a guy doesn't treat you well....
Avatar universal
How long have you been dating this guy?  I  mean, have you had this relationship long enough that you would have expected to be having sex by now?  

Satan on a cross, he might also have some sexual hang-ups that he's ashamed of or uptight about as well. He doesn't sound like he's in a hurry to have sex with you. That's not about you - it's his deal.

I'd bail.
Avatar universal
yes, stereotypical.  his myspace page says it all.  yes ive been in this relationship long enuf that we should being doing more than playing touchy feely.  ive tried oral sex and he almost gave me whiplash to get me off him telling me he isnt ready.  that was only 2 months ago.  told me he wanted to have sex with some ho he knew a coupla years ago, willing to give it up to a skank but not someone that has true honest feelings for you?  niiiiiiiiice.  and to tell me he wanted to do her, that really falls into the "are you stupid or what?" category, for us both!  im thinking the answer is "or what" for me.  him?  cant know, not sure if i care at this point.  and you guys arent swaying my decision, just opening my eyes to what i already knew but was unwilling to admit to myself.  baseball, ebay and HIMSELF are the only concerns in his life.  at the beginning of the relationship he told me that if i wanted to end it, fine.  he wouldnt be hurt, just tell him before i cheat.  nice eh?  shoulda ran right then and there.  moron that i am, i believe in giving people a chance.  duh!

Avatar universal
does he live at home with his mom still? i dont want to knock people who use myspace, but really at 45? what is his purpose for that? if  a guy tells you he wont be hurt by you leaving, that means he doesnt care. my ex said that to me too. he said he didnt need me in his life and he would be fine if he died alone. he got his wish.
Avatar universal
no he doesnt live at home.  he wouldnt. couldnt.  he and his mom cant stand each other.  i think truly thats part of the problem.  he views women differently because of the way his mother has treated him for 45 years.  it started at birth and got increasingly more awful as time went on.  for some reason he is the hated child.  (second of 4) i dont know why she hates him, and i dont know that i will ever find out or care to find out.  he wasnt so mean as to say he didnt care if i was in his life, just that if i found someone else that i wanted to be with more, fine, tell him and hes gone.  he hugs me a  lot, back rubs, we are in each others heads alot, think the same things and say them at the same time, weird **** too.  but i guess that isnt enuf to continue with this relationship.  he makes me smile all the time tho.  im so tired of not being able to hold on to a relationship.  good thing i like being alone.  
Avatar universal
"i dont want to knock people who use myspace, but really at 45?"

LOL. Pertykitty, one of my women friends was telling me about how her recently divorced neighbor went on myspace - he's 51.  I don't know enough about myspace, but it does seem like something the younger folks do. For the older guys, there's something a little off-putting  about it. Don't know. Maybe it's like craigslist or something, has a built-in cruise factor? Yikes.

OP, every time you come on here and give us more information, it sounds worse and worse.

If you're having trouble with relationships lasting, maybe you can take some time and think about the kinds of guys you're picking out. Usually we all have patterns for what we are attracted to, and often what we're attracted to isn't emotionally healthy for us. Good luck to you.
Avatar universal
yeah im thinkin mebbe its time for me to be sans man and just find me.  i was alone for almost 6 months after my last ex dumped me for my best friend.  i liked being alone. .  then my girls wanted me to post a myspace so we could chat during the day with them home and me at work.  yeah yeah yeah, i should know better.  meeting someone online especially at myspace.  a little detail i neglected to tell ya'll.  im a myspace *****, yes.  lmfao  i have learned my lesson lemme just tell you!  kinda  like the idear of bein alone agin!  do what i want when i want.  and dont have to worry if someone is gonna get butthurt or if im gonna be the one getting hurt!  that sounds kinda nice to me!  thanks guys.  
Avatar universal
hey i met my husband doing online dating, weird i know but when you dont go to bars or such it can be hard to meet people as a single mom,  but myspace i take as a teen site lol i could be wrong!
op i think he is my ex lol. he was the first of 4 adopted kids. his mom was not quite right, had depression and treated the kids oddly. he resents her and i believe that to be why he never had a relationhship last or will ever. he wont let go of himself to risk hurt no matter how great it is.  if only there was a gadget that you could point at a man and it tell you if he is an abuser, idiot, or has a teeny weeny lol.
Avatar universal
lmfao    im not against online dating, i just should have known better for a 45 year old man to be on myspace (yeah, i have met some wonderful people on myspace for the band i like, queensryche, but thats all we talk about.  ) i did it for my kids to be able beg and plead to do things that they know good an well im going to say no to anyways!  lol    yes, i wish i had either a gadget or the foresight to know if someone is a dork, clod, moron, idiot, abuser, alcoholic, teeny weeny, thats funny!  lol  i almost ran for the hills when he first told me he was a virgin, im kinda wishin i had now.  save us both the headache and me the heartache.  ***sigh*** hindsight is always 20/20 no?  lol
Avatar universal
oh my queensryche lol .my dh loves 80's long hair bands. its been nice not having to listen to the boneyard on xm radio lol. anyway, myself, sex is pretty darn important!! my dh has been gone for only a few months and im dying here! lol.  people dont always represent themselves honestly online anything. i have had some interesting stories regarding that. lol. i still say get out. i dont know your age, but i think you might be a bit younger than him? i dont feel its worth wasting time in a so so relationship
Avatar universal
yes yes i love the hair bands of the 80's!  only thing is, i feel awful at the concerts cuz everyone has gotten so darned old.  lmfao  

yes im quite a bit older than him.  10 years younger to be exact.  i matured earlier than i should have as i was married and had chidren at 18.  in fact, i had both girls before i was 20 years old.  i thought i was doing well in waiting till i was 17 to have sex!  i guess 45 shoulda been my goal !  lmfao  all kidding aside, i would love nothing more than to try to make this work with us.  we have so much in common.  we get along great for the most part, but the inconsideration and the lack of common sense has me in a twist almost every day.  and i shouldnt have to live like that.  and im sad about that cuz i really care for him and in his own f&*^ed up way i know he cares for me a great deal, but he wont change and i cant stay in a relationship like this.  not fair for me.
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