total fear of commitment

[kalijade]

i have never been in love. the idea of a relationship physically affects me. i hypervenatlate and feel like im trapped in a small box. im terrified. im 25 and for the first time since i was 18 i took a guy seriously. i slept with someone else when we were starting out. a close friends ex. i didnt tell barry. the new guy. i was in my mind dating him even thou it was long distance. as far as his texts and calls went he felt the same. i havnt talked to him in over 9 days. last time i talked to him he gave me the usual talk.. i miss you.. your great.. i wanna be with you bull crap ive heard before. and like a fool i believed it this time. i never ever believe this crap or fall for or even like a guy. i have had a lot of sex... around 2 dozen since i started having sex at 18. i dont trust men. i know they will pull the same crap on me as barry did. i can imagine myself in a heathy relationship because everyone im with is replaceable or manipulative, ive had enough. i want to trust them but i honestly dont see why. i caught my dad having multiple affairs 2 years ago. i didnt tell my mom. or my family.. and only one of my friends. how can i ever trust people or men again. how can i feel anything but angry ever again?

[kalijade]

please dont respond to this.. i am deleting my account but unfortunatly i cant delete this posting i was upset and drunk and im good now. thanks

[RockRose]

Kali,  could you be clearer?  I think I'm missing something here.

You started a brand new relationship with Barry,  and liked him a lot and he liked you,  and then you had sex with some acquaintance and now you're furious with Barry for some reason.  

That can't be right.  What have I missed?

Best wishes.