unmarried=unloved??

[tassiemum]

Hi all, I have been looking for the right place to ask for advice and after reading through some old posts this seemed right.
First a brief history - I met my current partner when I was travelling with my 2 older children and there was an instant connection.After being together less than 2 months I discovered I was pregnant and we moved in together.After a couple more months I had to move interstate and he chose not to come with me. Things were very undefined for awhile, though he chose to be there for the birth and would make surprise visits every couple of months. We would speak on the phone every day. This continued for two years and then he decided to get together properly and we moved in together. This was five years ago. I have always thought we would get married, that he needed some time to work things out. He has been married before and says he's scared of doing that again. He says if he decides to get married again then it is me he will marry. At other times he says he will never marry again. We get along really well, there's lots of love and affection. I don't feel that he will walk away or that he's looking for a better life.
It all sounds like the happy ending i was after but I want to be married.I try to pretend that it doesn't matter, that I would rather be happy with him than married to someone else. It's hard to keep pretending though and I feel as though the rest of my life is unravelling. He tells me that not wanting to get married isn't about me but I feel as though I'm not good enough, that there is something wrong with who I am. I find my self obsessing over why we're not married or fantasising about how and when he will propose. I feel like I can't be happy and I'm like a second class citizen because I'm unmarried.I feel like the reason we're not married is because he doesn't love me enough, that he doesn't think I would make a good wife. This makes me feel inadequate in every other area of life. I'm getting home from work and doing nothing, too tired to think. I'm turning to alcohol too often, which definitely doesn't help! I can't talk to my friends and family about this but I really need to hear someone elses opinion. Please help!!

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I'm the kind of woman that wants to know that my man values me above all else and is completely committed to me.  Nothing says that better than a proposal of marriage with a wedding after that.  I can see how you would like to have this final decree of love from him.  I'd want it too.

However, you chose really quickly to allow yourself to get pregnant  (my thought is that when we are dating and a grown up with other kids, that we know how birth control works and that we need it---  so pregnancy is a choice when we ignore that).  Nothing wrong with that, but you did things kind of a backward way from the start.  You were not in a committed relationship with him when you embarked upon something HUGE---  having a child together.  You did not need a committment for that, right?  

So, now you are living your life as his wife.  Is your fear that he 'll leave you?  That he is just there for the baby? Or that others judge you for not being married?  Or is it what I stated initially --  that you want the message from him that you mean THAT much to him?  

Well, anyway---  I believe your best hope for marriage is to be honest with him.  Tell him that while you understand what he is saying, that you'd like him to overcome his fear and personal issues because it really matters to you.  That it makes you very sad to live as his wife but not actually be his wife.  That it would mean the world to you if he asked you to marry him.  Then be quiet about it.  See what happens.  There is nothing more you can do but that.  

Hope it works out for you.  Peace.

[lucknlove1989]

I agree with the above post. Just because your boyfriend does not want to get married absolutely has no effect on how he feels about you. He could be madly in love with you but just have the fear of getting married ruining things stuck in his mind. If his last marriage failed and things didn't end well then that might be the very reason he doesn't want to get married. Maybe he loves you so much that he doesn't want to even think about things ending the way they had previously ended. It is better to have a partner that loves you and you know is there for you, as oposed to starting any sort of argument over the fact that you are not married and making things worse. My husband swore marriage was just a piece of paper and he would never get married and after 5 years we are married. I can honestly say the wedding was his idea entirely. He told me he loved me and respected me a lot for not being so pushy on the topic of marriage and he appreciated I never brought it up. You never know, maybe one day your partner will feel the same way and say you know what, I love this woman, she is amazing and the mother of my child and maybe its about time I make her my wife. I really hope things work out for you.

Good Luck!!!

[cheshchesh819]

i think this is a fair point that you are making,but i also think you are convincing yourself that you not good enough,it sounds like you are having some sort of depression.whilst i think your husband has some issues about marriage whether it be because his last marriage broke down and he doesnt want you  and him to part or just because he is totally happy and dont want to rock the boat,they are all the same his issues which he really do need to discuss with you properly,as for you i think you feels very inadiquate and not worthy,but believe me this isnt the case at all,alot of people never gets married and live their lives together forever,alot of people do see marriage as just a piece of paper and can change things,please dont feel alone or useless or not worthy and certainly dont turn to drink to try and solve this issue as this will just make things ten times worse for both you and your family,it is obvious that he loves you and is happy with you,work with that for now and let the rest just happen,in the mean time if are finding things difficult please seek some councilling.