venting!

[destiny123]

Hello everyone I'm new here and I just wanted to vent about my relationship or whats left of it. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship since we were 12 and 13 and now we are 31 and 32. Over the years we have broken up a time or two and in one of our breakups as adults(while still living together) he fathered a child that I found out about 4 years later.which was only a year in a half ago. I was hurt but I kinda got over it and I love the child dearly but he (my bf) still acts like a child when it comes to being a good mate. I myself don't have any kids but I am a responsible adult. I go to school and work and thats it. He hangs out at bars and just pretty much acts like he has no care in the world. When I decided to stay with him after I found out about this child I vowed that we would be a family and do the right thing by the child but he still goes out on a regular and stays out all night. I am really feeling like I made a mistake to stick around. I feel like I went through all the embarrassment of telling my friends and family about this child and they all accepted him with open arms without any judgement and now that my bf is still hanging out I am kinda scared to walk out of the relationship in fear of what my friends and family who were once so forgivable of him and so open for me would think. I just don't want anyone talking about me being so stupid to stay in the first place. This is not one of those situations where he finacially supports me and i am scared to leave because of that because I am very independent. I just don't know how to leave. I am most happy with him but when he goes out I can not trust him. Now I don't really go anywhere but when I do  step out he wants to know every detail about it. I guess in a way I have went so many years trying to prove to people that what he and I have is true that it almost feels like failure to break up.I could go on and on but I am getting sleepy so I must go. Thanks for listening!

[Judy246]

I think you both have outgrown the relationship and it's noble of you to want to make a "family" and accept his child, but the reality is that he moved on quickly and it is not your responsibility to help him raise his child. This child has a mother and an irresponsible father...it's time for you to look out for yourself and move on. It's easier said than done, but life changes and you will be stuck in a rut if you don't move forward with your life. Good luck..Judy

[teko]

You said you have been in a relationship since you were 12 and 13? Yet he is still a bf? He cheated and had a child with someone else while in a "committed" relationship with you?  All red flags sweetie.

If you do not live your teen lifestyle as a teen, you will venture out at some point in the future. This seems to be the case anyways.
I agree that you know what you want to do, but are afraid of the embarrassment and humiliation you will have to go thru as a result.

Well, I am betting that the friends and family see more than you think they do but have accepted him more out of honoring you, not him. I bet they will be relieved and wonder what took you so long to leave.

If he has a child, you forgave him. Now he is in party mode, probably doing things and that is why he is so suspicous of you. ( He thinks your doing the same thing he is).

It does not sound like he is a healty investment in your emotions. Lose the loser. And dont look back.

[specialmom]

Well Destiny, you have been with this man for a long time and seem like you have a good heart  .  . . that always makes it harder to leave.  But it sounds like you've made your decision but are just unsure how to do it.   I agree with you, he does not sound like someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with.  You can love someone that isn't right for you in a relationship . . . and you deserve a happy healthy relationship.  We all do.

I'm concerned that he had a child with another woman but didn't tell you for 4 years.  That says a lot about this guy.  How committed was he during that 4 years if he didn't even find it necessary to tell you he had a kid?  But that is water under the bridge.  You accepted this child and really it sounds like gave this your very best shot.  

That is what you tell your family.  That you really tried and wanted this to work out and gave it a chance . . . and it just isn't working out.  One person can't make a relationship work . . .and he isn't really trying.  So what other option do you have . . . move on and find happiness.  And I GARENTEE that your family will most want you to be happy and not in a dead end relationship that has you giving everything and him not pulling his weight.  Trying to make something work and then it doesn't isn't a failure.  Heck, you showed everyone that you have serious tenacity!  But relationships are suppose to be healthy and happy (most of the time happy as no relationship is perfect).  Good luck and listen to your inner voice on this one.