why won't he just let me in...HELP

[konstance]

He won't call me his girlfriend, he refuses to "be" with me. He introduces me as his friend BUT when its us it is "us." When we first met he told me the first timehe loved me we were inseperable texts allday everyday...i miss you etc. then oneday he pulled away. He tries to play really hard. I don't get it. I don't think he is scared of commitment becaus he has something so good. When we are in public he and i areall over eachother and acting as if we were together. You would think we were. we are intimate with kisses on the forehead, he massages my body all the time. Everything he should do. Cooks for me etc. BUT he doesn't kiss me goodbye when we depart even if we spent every minute liplocking during our visits. He isn't the type to get jeaulous and tells me to do what i want but we have an agreement that we aren't allowed to sleep with other people and we don't.  I on the other hand am VERY jealous and hate when he hangs with girls whom i know he had a past with etc. he tells me not to worry about it and i when he goes and is with them i just want to tell him goodbye forever ...but i am weak...it hurts so much. I moved to this state alone and he is the first and only guy ive been with for 6mos. and i love him deeply. He knows that though...how do i make him see if he does'nt change im out...and (hes heard that before) but he just shrugs it off and plays super hard like ok peace...you know i just wanted to "Chill" with you. ...help me.:(

[The Freshmaker]

You can't change a person.

Nor can you excuse their behaviour towards your due to past events or "How his parents treated him." Plenty of people have had horrible pasts, yet know how to manage it without dumping it upon another person.

[slow_healer]

Hey, one more thought. You two might be hanging out all the time and that spells a good relationship for you. But seeing how he's stated that you're simply not a girlfriend for him, yet still hangs out with you in the way that a boyfriend might/would, it sounds to me like he's stringing you along until the real deal (for him) comes along. And that's going to leave you hurting when one day he doesn't want to "chill" anymore. It sounds like you already have a good handle on the situation, but I just wanted to add this thought in case it applies. Unfortunately this relationship stuff can be really tough sometimes :(  But don't internalize it - these things aren't pass/fail. Good luck!

[konstance]

Thank you alot for the help. I guess i was just looking to change him.I mean he is the way his is because the way is parents treated him and i thought i could make things better when he friends say they have never seen him like this. I just thought that staying with him and loving him would be an eye opener for him. He randomly texted me and said "thank you. For everything" I thought it was sweet and never expected it but now looking at all the points you have made...i am thinking he said that because he could give me "That much" without giving me him. He does tell me that i always have his heart....but your right. its in my face he doesn't want a girlfriend but he doesn't want me....well he can't have his cake and eat it too. thank you guys. although this junk hurts. much love

[bedtimestory]

I agree with Liza55. You have two options: either stay and suffer or leave and try to find someone who can give you what you want. I know it is hard to let go of a person to whom you feel so attached but trust me in this, if you keep going you will not solve any of your issues with him. He already made it clear for you that he will not call you his girlfriend. You may stay and try to set your mind to live the present and not worry about the future, just live every moment and be happy for whatever time you spend with him. I guess you can't..you already fell for him dear.

My advice to you is don't try to justify him in any way. You should put yourself in first place, not him. I do not think you are using him as a raft. If you decide to stay in this "relationship" (an open one that is, except the cheating part) you are basically risking the possibility to find a person who deserves you. You will not be able to see far enough until you make a decision, and I mean the right one. This issue doesn't have any reason to be at all. If  someone loves you, then I don't see why there could be a problem in them calling you "my girlfriend" and accept that what they are into is something serious (unless of course he is not taking you seriously enough and he is just telling you what you want to hear and looking at you the way you want him to look at you)  

Move on....give yourself the chance to meet new people and perhaps, who knows..maybe you'll find the one. Good luck.

[Liza55]

ok, but again, he's made it clear in what capacity he wants the relationship. You are not his steady girlfriend and he's giving you, showing you, and telling you what he's comfortable with. If you're cool with all of it (and I don't think you would've wrote in if you were) then leave it be. If you want something diffent, then believe in your heart there's something even better out there for you, even if it takes a while to find.

[konstance]

I understand all points made. Nice and thank you. The only thing is that we each don't "Chill" persay with other people. I think the  boy has a prob. with "titles" and commitment. Commitment in the aspect because he still wants to be able to be like yea im goin here with these people and i have to accept because im not his girlfriend. But if i ever feel uneasy about anything he comforts me. He is the most honest person i know...he wouldn't lie about anything. Even his friend told me tht is why ther were friends bc he couldn't lie...which is good in someways. He comes to see me at work everyday and i spend prob...4 outta 7 nights withhim. We each see NO other person....Just eachother....he tells me he loves me in little ways...like i told him "you don't cheat on somebody you love' and he said "then you shouldn't be worried" we use the term cheat like we r together....I guess what i meant to ask was do you thnk he will change...my heart thinks i should wait my head doesn't.  And i don't use him for a raft because ijust moved here. I actually fell in love with the boy. And yes i see many other people everyday im a security guard i meet alotttaaa people but they don't phase me becuase i love joshua. ....comment back please...( if you are just reading this look at the first entry then the comments made...and this is my response.)

[msniki412]

I was in a relationship like that for 4 months. He never told his friends about "us" and that I was just a friend. I fell for it everytime. Anytime he would call me [which I never knew when he would, it only seemed I was good enough to be with was when his friends and other girls were not around] I would jump up and have him come over to hang out with me. We would kiss, cuddle all that stuff. I tell him how much I like him, and how I miss him when I'm not with him and all he said was I just like being with you, your not like the other girls I was with. Nothing about missing me, or anything. And then oneday in December last year, he just turned on me...he became so mean to me and I had no idea on what I did to him [in fact i didnt do anything, it was his way of getting rid of me]. Well I took a hint and stopped everything. And now I couldn't be happier. I have a loving caring adorable boyfriend now for 5 months and we love each so much. In fact he tells me that he loves me everyday...awww. Thats my type of guy.

This guy your with, is not worth it. If he likes you that much, then he would refer to you as his girlfriend. I think he likes being with you, but not in the way you want to be with him. Your looking for a relationship, and all he wants is a friendship. I had the same problem last year. Forget this guy, maybe be friends with him but I doubt that would work because of the way you feel towards him. I say move on, and meet a guy who wants what you want. Good luck.

[Liza55]

Also, isn't it tiring to play these guessing games?? I'd be over it. Hard to get...why play that? If he wants a relationship with you as his girlfriend, I think these kind of things wouldn't be an issue. I think he's made it clear that he's not going to give you what you're looking for. He flat out said I just want to chill w/ you. Now it's up to you, and only you (not him changing) whether you give yourself something better and more fulfilling. I'd guess that you deserve a much better situation...and though a new city can be overwhelming, just think of how many men are out there to meet!

[anxiousmomtobe?]

You are smothering him.  You are using him as a life raft as you are new to the state.  Make you own life.  Maybe he will be part of it, maybe he won't.  What you have right now is not healthy.