Is she open to going to a therapist for marriage counseling? What are your Psychologist's and Psychiatrist's viewpoints on this?
Ah, I'm really sorry you are in this difficult decision. The issue with divorcing is that you then leave the kids to be between two homes. They will deal with her drama without you as a buffer. And they are open to new drama she brings into the house with regards to boyfriends and such. They also will be subjected to two different households that may not be run the same way. It's really hard on kids. That's just reality. And you need to factor that into the situation. How old is your youngest? Can you wait until they are graduating high school to go if you feel you must go? It's just a question and may not be reasonable for you to stay if your own health is at stake. However, I do worry about kids in these situations.
Would she be open to marriage counseling? The thing about that is that both parties have to acknowledge they bring issues into the marriage. She has her own list of complaints I am sure. Everyone has things to improve upon. You and her both. But she sounds unwilling to look at things. Since you were suicidal and now see a psychiatrist, perhaps she would be more willing to embrace a marriage therapist to make things better and more peaceful and at home. So, that is a good question as to whether she'd be open to this or not.
The fact that she isn't committed to the marriage enough to attend marriage counseling is very telling. Yes, she sounds extremely difficult with no change in sight. You must realize that it is futile to argue with a person who is unable to ever see your point of view. When dealing with her you have no choice but to get to the point where you do not care a lick for what she has to say. If you can admit to yourself that you do not like her as you've done., you can also admit to yourself that you do not value her opinion and turn off the part of your brain that cares what she says. It's uncomfortable to live like this, but together or apart you must learn how to deal with her without it drawing you in in any way. It's the only way to protect yourself from having break downs. I'd be interested also about how your psychologist is telling you to deal with your personalities clashing?
It sounds like you know that there is no hope for your marriage to become solid and workable and so, together or apart, you need to be able to communicate with her for the best interests of the children. Really the kids are the only part of the equation that matters after the realization that without her interest in fixing the relationship the kids are all that matter.
Maybe you need to get to the point with her that you both know that the relationship is in name only and that you both should be hyper vigilant to not let the fact that you two were not a good match and should not have been married, affect their young lives. Maybe if she understands that you are no longer able or willing to engage in any arguments or drama - that she will also give up the ghost that you two are not able to be together as a couple (whether you live in the house or not) then she will make more of an effort not to have the kids negatively affected by your bad marriage. Right now, as it stands, she probably see's your breakdown as your weakness, rather than the end of your marriage as you've known it. It sounds to me that your breakdown is as a result of you knowing that your marriage is a sham and essentially over. Knowing this, accepting this will allow you to gain a thicker skin. Not caring to engage in the drama and walking away to another room, or engaging in a hobby instead of an argument should allow her to see that communication between the two of you, for the sake of your marriage is over as she knew it. I know she's said no to marriage counseling, but if you state the facts, that unless you two are able to meet in the middle through therapy, there's little reason for you two to talk about anything other than what affects the children directly. Maybe if that's put to her, it might change her mind about therapy. She could change her mind if she knows the bottom line of things, that you will no longer care what she says or does, that you're in it for the kids sake only. That essentially, when she refused therapeutic help for your marriage, you have given up on the marriage. but not the kids. It might make a difference and she might agree to getting help for your relationship.
I would talk about this with your therapist. Discuss with them whether it's good for you to continue to be intimate with a person who refuses to care about your mental health for instance. That's a big one. Maybe the thing that could change her mind as to whether she's willing to try to make the relationship better. Maybe by you defining your relationship as being untenable because she will not include herself in marriage therapy and stopping the sexual incentive, it might hit home with her and allow her to jump into the reality that without help you and her are just not able to continue in a full marriage. I don't think it's good for a person to be disrespected intellectually and spiritually and then be intimate. I think it's confusing and may be a good part of why you're losing it - maybe something else to talk about with your therapist?
The thing that i hope you've gotten from this comment is that you need to get strong emotionally without her in your head. You have to cut her out of your head and your heart in order to gain your strength back. enough, to look after your kid's best interests.
You've said that you keep your kids busy and you're their coach and i think that's wonderful, but the only way you're kids are not going to hear the arguments is if you refuse to be drawn in and argue. It does take two to argue. Remove yourself from that equation as it is futile to engage in any more arguing. I think we argue in order to change a person's outlook on a subject, but you know that's not going to happen, so why argue? Why feel the need? It's obvious to therapists that the problem is your wife , as you've stated. I believe it, now you have to. Your wife is incapable of change or being part of the solution, so give up. Let it go and focus on the kids.
We're here to help you and talk as much or as little as you need. We can be reached via private message on our profile pages anytime. Please don't be a stranger if you need to talk further. Be sure to be good to yourself. Have bubble baths, read books, replace the narrative with your wife with something worth reading, seeing or doing. Stop letting your wife break your heart. She's not worth it.
Get strong, your kids need you to be the one that knows enough to say "no - i will not allow you to engage me in futile arguments in the house where my children lay their heads".
In all honesty, I would try to stick it out. Your house is peaceful. You may not be jumping up and down for joy, but you aren't fighting in front of the kids, etc. The thought of what it is like with two households is hard on kids for the reasons I stated above. Marriages CAN be rekindled. And your desire to date while natural is probably not a great idea even if you divorce-- at least for a good long time. You married her. You had not one but multiple children and as little as three years ago, you had sex to create another one. So, it is what it is.
That is only my opinion and I'm not in your shoes. But I'd move mountains for my kids. Unless the relationship is toxic to them, I'd continue to have a stable home for them with two parents in it. good luck
thanks all for the comments. Today for an example i get home from work no one was here, so i was petting the dog from the couch while he was on the carpet she came home from picking kids up from school and saw that the dog was on carpet just laying there with me petting him. So she started yelling of course i thought i told u the dog is not allowed on carpet. To me its not a big deal. He is a clean behaved dog. Maybe my fault on that but i still dont think its a big deal but I just ignore and go outside and play catch with my sons.
just hearing her yelling about that made me tense up and gave me anxiety
She says she loves me but does this type of stuff that i cannot take no longer. I honestly feel trapped and held hostage
My childre are why i am still with her and god of course i dont wanna break gods rule
Our marriage is toxic and i feel like i am missing out on a better life. Just so darn depressing.
I have to take meds now because of this breakdown when i was normal and athletic before always being active. Now i have less motivation to do what i used to
I see my pycologist on thurs
Question. And I ask this without a hint of knowing anything about the answer. But when we are sensitive of something, when someone merely says something about it, we call it 'yelling'. That's how we hear it and see it . . . when they were basically letting you know this is an issue for them in a firm tone. Anyway, what about this . . . you have no trouble with dog on carpet, she doesn't like it. So, who is right? Why do you not say to her "dog can be on the carpet. My carpet too. I want dog to be part of the family. Okay? My house and my opinion matters as well. You don't have to be a jerk. But you don't have to be a marshmallow either. My husband didn't want dogs on the furniture. Well, my sweet dog is small and a lap dog. So, I said "honey, I'll keep her off the 'good furniture" (like in our dining room) but she is on the couch with us in the tv room. Compromise. We both assert our opinions. I think I'd find better ways of inserting your opinion. good luck
You've mentioned that you believe in God, I'm wondering if you go to a Church with your wife and kids? If so, perhaps talking to the Priest at your Church could contact her and ask if she and you could come in for an appointment.? Maybe they could get through to her that it would be in the best interests of the family for you and her to go to marriage counseling, or hey could play that role.
Stay strong. Please know You're in my thoughts and prayers, everyday , to stay strong and get to a much better place for yourself.
once again thank you expecially for the prayers. At 34 i just want to do whats right. I have done plenty wrong when younger but turned my life around completely by 20 and i do give credit to my wife for that part.
Other than that she is just a controlling person.
Very difficult to live with but i know god is against divorce but i what point is too much i think.
when would he allow me under his rule to move on
i do want best for my children and knowing it would be difficult in 2 different homes for them.
i was thinking of talking to the priest but i dont want my wife to stop going either over me talking about our problems. maybe i will do it though
Its just how much longer i mentally can be depressed and unhappy like this. i want to live and I am praying for god to help me and my wife as she needs to reconize her personality i am hoping god reveals that to her.
ive had people from my childrens little league complaining about her even. its embarrassing to me. I think because her looks she thinks she can say and do as she pleases. Very in to herself.
again thank you for your prayers amd support. Through all the dark days there should always be light for people who seek it. thats how iam trying to look at it.