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Avatar universal

would this bother you?

Hubby is going on a business trip next week for a team building event at their office in CA. i found out a coworker of his in HR (who has sent him flirty emails in the past) is also going. they were setting up the plans for the event and she replied "great news, i am going too" and he replied "good!". i dont know if i am reading too much into it but she has always given me an unsettling feeling. It just that i dont know what her ulterior motives are (if any) and even if someone doesnt have the intention of doing anyting who knows everyone is capable of slipping especially after a few nightcaps or whatever. I guess all i can do is make him aware that i am on to her. But doesnt it sound like she might be interested in him. BTW she is married too but the doesnt necessarily mean anyhing. married people go after other married people all the time.
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Avatar universal
Hey i know how you feel. It doesnt matter if shes gone, she has still left a bit of doubt in your head about your man. I have had similar situation. I was made to feel uncompfortable with the amount of texts sent to my man and the friendship they had. It didnt help that i had trust issues either but after i delt with that my instincts were still winding me up about her. I sorted it by making him cut a few ties with her and after long chats and arguments i can trust him. He would rather lose a friend than upset me and thats how it should be. Especially someone like her who has over stepped her bounderies and treaded on my toes.
However, he is not telling you everything you need to know so you can put it to bed. If there is nothing to tell that would concern you he is probably thinking that he doesnt deserve to be questioned. So u need to tell him calmly and nicely why u need to know everything. Once he has or he gives u a good enough explination then you forget about it and move on. Keep reasuring him aswel though. Uou dont want to ruin the relationship yourself.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Ya know, all this time spent wondering what if, is just a waste of time. I am older now and can see how useless it is, but I was not always older and I remember how jealousy feels. It is ugly and destroys everything in its path. The bottom line is do you trust your man? It would appear that you have doubts. I would ask myself why? In the world today men and women work more closely than ever before. Its not like it used to be. I would bet we are making much todo about nothing. But if my husband mistrusted me, I would take it personally. It would hurt my feelings badly. I look at it this way. If he is gonna cheat, he gonna cheat, period. Nothing I can do to control it so why lose sleep over what ifs? :D Sometime ya just feel like if yer gonna be accused of it anyway then what the hey!
Helpful - 0
145992 tn?1341345074
Well it sounds like you don't have to worry about them getting closer at work.  Just because she doesn't work there anymore doesn't mean they won't be able to still communicate with each other but the likelihood of this happening is small.  If I were you I would just let it go.  The more you bother your husband about it the more irritated he will get, especially if nothing happened and you show him that you do not trust him.
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Avatar universal
Well apparently she resigned which is what the email was about. Hubby still wont tell me what the 730 am **** was all about which is why io am pissed. I texted him about it (bad i know since i cant see his reaction) but he wont answer me about it. I wonder why she resigned? oh well wont have to worry about anymore i guess.
Helpful - 0
145992 tn?1341345074
I don't know, this could be misinterpreted very easily.  First of all, emails are very difficult to read only because you don't know what the tone is or what the conversation is about.  Does your husband know you have access to his work email?  If something was going on and he knows you can get to his email, he's going to be very vague with her when he emails her.  But from how the actual email sounded to me, it didn't sound flirtatious or anything.  If they work together, they may be discussing work related issues first thing in the morning.  Yes, there are important issues that occur when a person first steps in the office.  You're going to focus on everything and anything this woman says to your husband and vice versa because you are suspect of their relationship, so even if it doesn't seem like flirting, you will view it as that because of your feelings.  I feel like you need to give your husband the benefit of the doubt here but don't shut your eyes.  Keep it in the way back of your mind so you can pick up on any inconsistencies.  Right now you have no proof and so it's just speculation at this point.  Keep going with your life and your marriage and if something is going on you will find out.  If he doesn't know about you having access to his email, he or she will slip up eventually.  The more you accuse, the more careful he will be about hiding things.  Act like you know nothing.
Helpful - 0
646779 tn?1281996041
oops, other way round :-
''he's encouraging her - how else would he realise he's going to get a ''yes I'll be there first thing'' from the co-worker -type answer? If she wasn't being so friendly herself, he would not be asking things of her ''first thing in the morning'', and expecting her to say yes for that matter.''
Helpful - 0
646779 tn?1281996041
I feel sorry for you. He should not have this special relationship with his colleague/ co-worker. He is wrong to do this to you, and you are right to be suspicious.
I know it may cause more problems for your relationship, but have you tried showing this woman you're aware of her, or showing somehow that she is being too-friendly with your husband? I don't really know how you can do that without coming across too strong.
So the best thing your hubby could do is ignore her and avoid her. But he's not doing that, he's encouraging her - how else would she realise she's going to get a ''yes I'll be there first thing'' from your hubby -type answer? If he wasn't being so friendly himself, she would not be asking things of him ''first thing in the morning''. It is more than likely a two way thing where she is as bad as he is. And they both need to stop flirting when they are both married! The manager's email just confirms that they probably come across to others as in a relationship themselves.
I don't know what others may think of your situation, is it just co-workers being friends, who sat near eachother at the work event?? so the manager might have thought your hubby was the person who might have known where she went or whatever. It could still be innocent.
All I can say is *I* would not be happy either. I have experience of my partner having a co-worker fancy him, she always asks for his friendship on Facebook, he has even had a drunken kiss with her at a party on two occasions (before I knew him) and he fancied her back then himself too. But NOW, he shows me the respect not to engage converstaions with her, he just says hello in passing, he ignores her friendship request on Facebook, and generally avoids her at work. I am not controlling, he chooses to be this way, he is merely respectful enough not to give her time. She too is a real flirty type but he just steers clear of her and so she is not an issue in our relationship because of the way my partner deals with her.
Your hubby should be showing you more respect by not being so friendly with such an over-flirty woman. I think he encourages her too much.
So what are you going to do about this? What does hubby say about hurting your feelings?
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Avatar universal
sorry, i am still agonizing over this. He went and we checked in alot and i feel a little better but a couple of more emails got me wondering. he emailed her this morning first thing asking her if she was in and she replied yes and he said to come by his office there was something he needed to show her. i realize this could be anything, but what is so urgent 1st thing. also there was an email from branch manager (where they had the event )"what happened to (her name)? hmm. i know i need to let it go but should i ask him whats up with these emails then???
Helpful - 0
936501 tn?1244985125
I wouldn't worry about it at the moment. If your husband loves you enough, he won't cheat on you. However, maybe somehow bring up your concerns with him. Just mention how it bugs you that she's going. You can't really do anything about your husband going on his business trip and he has to go (unless he quits), but let him know how you are feeling. I'm sure he would like to know. Don't like get a divorce or anything over it, unless you can prove he was cheating. Let's face it, females are smarter than males. So, if he does cheat, I'm sure he will forget to do or hide something or some part of the evidence. Lol. Good luck!
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Avatar universal
thanks for all the good advice. KATE535 i did ask him why he responded that way and why its a good thing that she was coming and he said "so he can make sales calls with branch manager and she can talk with the sales force individually and get to the bottom of the issue out there" whatever..i agree he could have responded differently but still friendly. And tough sh&t if she gets pissed if he doesnt respond at all.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
This is one of those times, thay you will have to trust in your man and your relationship. This woman cannot do anything alone. It takes two. I understand how you feel, and I would probably feel the same way, BUT, if he did not C the co-worker in this light before, you have lit the lightbulb so to speak.  Now, he will do one of two things. He will agree that he thinks she is after him and will be on the lookout, OR, he will be flattered and play it for all its worth . It shows him your insecure side and leaves you vulnerable to build on that thought. In other words, the man has done nothing, but in your mind you have undermined your relationship, verbally stating it to him and giving this little woman more power than she deserves. That will hurt your relationship and your self image and she just aint worth all that energy. Your man will either prove he values your relationship or he dont. Nothin you can do about it, so why borrow trouble. IMO
Helpful - 0
646779 tn?1281996041
I agree with BearHitch, us women have a sixth sense for this sort of thing - we can spot another woman showing an interest in our man, and it is always the man who is oblivious to it.
I don't blame you for feeling unsettled about the situation. Recently, I had to force myself to trust my man on his brother's bachelor do (not to go see strippers - something I'm dead against) - there would have been plenty of alcohol and plenty of temptations, but ultimately it was, and so is your situation, about Trust. I wondered if I could trust him enough, but in the end realised I did trust him and when he came home I was like ''did you guys have a good time then :-) ?''
So you will have to trust him in order to sleep over this otherwise or you are going to rack your brain the whole time leading up to it, when he's gone, and when he's home you'll be thinking ''did he..'' which isn't healthy.
I would quiz him a little as to why he would say ''Good !'' in response to her being there. A more appropriate answer might have been ''I'll see you there then'' - just as friendly but not too much like ''I'm glad YOU'RE coming''. It was a bit disrespectful to respond to her text like that (because I know that would have bothered me). The other thing, he should not be encouraging her flirty emails at all, he doesn't **need** to reply to emails that are non-work related. Tell him that. If she is offended by his lack of reply, tuff-titty !!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
To answer your question, yes it would bother me with the situation you are in.  If it were me, I would express concern and your feelings about the matter.  I know personally that my husband would not be alone with this woman while on a business trip as in going out to dinner and things like that intentionally.  So, perhaps you can get a read on how he feels about it when you are expressing your concerns.  Women have an excellent radar for women who are being inappropriate / coming on to their man, in my opinion, and a lot of men (like my husband) are oblivious to it or just think they are being nice.  
Helpful - 0
145992 tn?1341345074
I agree, there isn't much you can do in this situation.  You can't tell him not to go and you certainly can not hide yourself in his suitcase to spy on him, although, I know you would want to...lol.  You have to have trust in your husband.  If he were to slip then that is on him and his inability to be committed to you as his wife.  Tell him you are uncomfortable with her going but tell him you trust him.  Like Judy said, temptation is everywhere unfortunately.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
This is a very delicate situation. On one hand I believe that flirty emails to your husband are unexceptable and inappropriate, but responding to his co-worker directly can put him in a very uncomfortable situation. Although she might have sent him a flirty e-mail, the intent could have been in a kidding around manner. I've witness this and there was no intent for a relationship. Some people who work together and see each other all day, joke around, but that's it. We live in a world of temptations and it is his responsibility to make sure this woman respects him as a person and especially as a married man. You need to communicate with your husband how uncomfortable these e-mails are making you and they are unexcedptable and inapropriate and you want them to stop immediately. If they continue, I would literally make her aware that you are in posession of these inappropriate e-mails. She can be repremanded for using company time and computer for personal and inapropriate e-mails.  You have every right to be upset, but put the burden on him to take care of the situation or you will.  Judy
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372900 tn?1315512302
I wouldn't worry about it.  I would talk to him about the flirty emails but you need to trust your husband that if she does try anything he will turn her down.  He's the one that made a vow to you, not her.  So he's the one that needs to be on his best behavior and stay faithful to you.  You need to let him know how uncomfortable she makes you feel.  If you communicate this to your husband then he will be more alert to the emails and more sensitive to how you feel about his co-worker.
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