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Avatar universal

I cannot believe I had unprotected sex.

I am In absolute disgust, shame and sorrow.
I let myself down, and have let my OCD act up after i have promised to respect it and my health.

I am utterly shocked how I let that happen.
I went on a date with a guy i met online, he is a residential psych doctor.
Next time, we were supposed to be on the rooftop but we somehow ended up in his damn apartment.. saying “ when it gets less crowded we will go “

I cannot believe how he insisted on having unprotected sex. He asked when was the last time I got tested, we had the talk then we had one protected sex that night. He kept luring me into having unprotected sex, I kept bullying him about how it’s not the right thing to do and that I will have severe anxiety. I kept asking him if he is surely tested and has not had unprotected sex post testing, he said yes.
Given that I am a sucker for titles due to OCD, and authority means peace. I felt that there is no way this psychiatrist doctor will give me something... “he is a good human being” i went for it Then immediately immediately felt horrible, disgusting and ashamed.

This was on Saturday, i have no idea how to feel down there. I am feeling everything. I believe a little burn, but it could be from my medication.
I found 2 pimples on each side in the inner sides of my butt cheeks. I assumed it’s bacteria blockage it was hot and sweaty today from walking. Also, i passed stool twice or three times today.  

I have been having the urge to urinate alot, or maybe i am forcing myself just so I can see if I will encounter pain.

I am not fully blaming him... but it is fair to stop at NO when I say NO and not attempt to convince me, lure me or seduce me. Especially after admitting to Having bad anxiety.

He surprisingly wasn’t going to finish, but i asked then why even did u wanna have sex again? He claimed to be tired but later, he did finish.

My OCD is killing me, my anxiety is insane. I feel like I am going to throw up!

I spoke to him on our first date about my fears... seems like he took the comfort that I am absolutely checked. And that’s what I hate about my OCD, it appeals to people.

He said his results are with his hospital, he also said, should i test again and show you?

I am literally going to puke. I cannot believe i did this.
3 Responses
20620809 tn?1504362969
Sorry this happened for a lot of reasons.  

What do you do to actively treat your OCD? That's really the most important question here.  You are so afraid of std's but the true illness that is causing you major disruption in life is your ocd.  Medication and therapy can be very effective in treating mental health problems.  And this IS a problem.  It causes you so much angst. And it IS a treatable condition!

You've posted frequently so you know the answers there is nothing anyone here can tell you new to what you haven't already heard and we can't be your therapist.  You know the drill.  If you have symptoms, go get tested.

We can be our own worst enemies sometimes and ya, we know better than having unprotected sex.  It's easy to get carried away though but we all have our own individual responsibility in a situation.  So, I would either try to be in a relationship with the same partner that you know or be diligent about protection.  Don't beat yourself up, what is done is done.  Learn from it as the aftermath of emotion doesn't feel good. I'm sorry about that.

Anyway, I really hope you take my advice.  You have many posts on these same subjects that you seem a bit stuck in a pattern and I'm sure it feels terrible to feel terrible.  I'd really hope you dig in to the mental health piece and treat OCD as fully as you worry about std's.  

Symptoms start?  Go get tested and try to avoid hyperfocusing so that you don't suspect everything as a symptom.  Fingers crossed it is alright.  And remember, nothing shows up immediately.  That you saw the bumps right away falls under that category, that it is unlikely related.
23 Comments
Thank you so much for these kind words.
I appreciate it dearly.

I cannot test for Herpes. I cannot risk it again..  This is why I am monitoring myself for now... but I will definitely test for the rest asap.

I am in an endless loop, The only way to cope with this form of OCD is through sleeping with someone i trust and USING CONDOMS. always.

I literally have no idea why I let this happen. It must just be a lesson... I know for a fact this will never happen again. I Am definitely getting off online dating too.

I am contemplating medication for OCD now. But it is usually not so bad when there isn’t a trigger.  Unless I am just having compulsive thoughts.

I am back in the loop now.
I totally agree that you don't need to test for herpes. It's something even the most mentally stable get shaken by, and I think it's safe to say that you're not totally mentally stable right now. (Most of us aren't - I don't mean that as an insult.)

But go easy on yourself. There are very few of us who haven't had some situation where we look back and wonder how we let something happen when it so clearly was not a good idea.

And yes, you could have left, you could have done X, Y and Z, right? But you aren't in that place yet. You heard "resident psych doctor" and your insides went "oh, here's someone who will care for me and protect me", and you had hope.

(His insides should have said, "I'm a psych doc, and here is a woman who is clearly expressing her mental health issues with me, and I shouldn't take advantage", but apparently his insides are different.)

Talk to your therapist and your doctor. Maybe try meds for 6 months. Maybe not, but talk to your therapist about it.

You don't need to have sex again with condoms to have control. Maybe take control by deciding to be abstinent for awhile and learning what your healthy body feels like. It's been awhile and your body has been through an awful lot. Let it heal and focus on you.

That is exactly what I am going to do. Abstain..
I am scarred again. These hit me very hard. That’s what I feel like I need, alot of time alone.

And for medication, I don’t know if i can take any now since i am soon to be part of the study.

Also, how long do i keep waiting for Herpes symptoms...
how long should i wait to get tested for the other STDs?
Also,
My chances are low on HIV after one encounter yes? I suppose....? Despite not withdrawing... ?
Herpes symptoms show up within 2-12 days, average of 4.

You can test for gonorrhea and chlamydia at 5 days, syphilis (which is uncommon in the US) at 6 weeks.

You can test for HIV (which less than 1% of the population has) at 28 days. Make sure it's a 4th generation DUO test.

He said he had negative tests. Don't hesitate to ask for them if you want. I probably would.

I know you're scared, but the most common things by far are easily cured. Remember that. And take care of you.
Thank you..
I will be waiting to see how day 4 is..

Should i expect flu like symptoms and muscle pains and so?

I woke up this morning sweaty, but the AC was on, which made me cold ( i think that has happened before ) I have a headache now... maybe congestion and i am on 5 hours of sleep.
My temp is 98.6.

Do these sound like symptoms?
The bump on both sides in my inner butt cheek, seems to be almost painless. Even not at all. I applied yesterday an mupirocin. I assume that’s nothing.
2 more days to go.
Also,
Is hepatitis curable?!
No, it doesn't sound like symptoms of anything, except you're tired and stressed.

You might not get any symptoms until you get sores. I woke up on day 3 (I think? Maybe day 2 or day 4 - okay, I don't really remember lol) with blisters. I had no other symptoms until I got the blisters. If I did, I didn't notice them. They hurt - I didn't have to pay special attention or anything to notice them. I woke up, and I knew they were there before I looked.

I don't think I had a fever - I certainly never took my temperature, and didn't own a thermometer, I don't think. (It was way before global pandemics, obviously - 15 years ago.) I may have had aches and pains, but what I really remember are the blisters and the pain from those. If you have symptoms, you won't need to look and examine yourself.

Everyone is different. What I experienced isn't true for everyone. Your partner may not even have herpes.
I feel like a burning feeling and like a poking feeling.
I cannot believe this happened.
I also have bad cramps.
Also burning feeling, maybe dermatitis.
Some of that could be anxiety, as no STD would cause a poking feeling.

Aren't you taking meds for yeast or BV?

Also, you are probably still healing from the colpo. If you are having cramping, you should give your doc a call.

Hang in there, and call your therapist. Remember your coping skills.
Thank you my love.
I felt cramps after sex with him. He was big and deep..
i think i got my period also. Pain must have been starting since yesterday.. i think YAZ makes my period blood very super light
For some reason it came 4 dAys early. Must have been due to sex and stress.
I am on my last gel dose. I took my one pill for yeast.
I think i messed up my PH balance due to the sex ( he came inside ) and my period.  Thoughts??!
The bump in my inner butt cheek is annoying a bit stinging how do i share a picture?

Also, why does around the vagina itchiness and just irritated while Menustrating?
Your body has been through so much.

YAZ (and most BC) will absolutely make your period lighter. It's a nice perk.

So you are treating for yeast and BV right now? It may take some time to settle things down. Don't take anything else - don't douche or use any soaps, etc., for a few days. Let your body reset itself. Some of it may be because it's your first period on the pill, and it's just adjusting, plus the colpo.

You can't show a pic of your butt or genitals on the site. It's not allowed. You can put it on imgur or another hosting site, and link it here.
You are right, my body has gone through alot.

I finished my medication.
I think this period is what causes my vulva to slightly burn or little annoying when peeing. I also have back pain. I wonder if it is also lack of water.

Lack of water does way more than we imagine.

Hydrate and give your body a break. If you're not feeling better in a few days, call your doc.

Just be good to yourself.
Hello love.
So iam not sure if the breakout on my lip is HSV1 or simply pimples because I keep biting my lips and touch it with my finger.

They look like a patch... they are tingly and itchy i had it before. I thought its from biting and scratching... so I scratched my other side and suddenly also a patch showed up.

I am concerned if this is HSV1 then why did it
Act now? I havent had an outbreak in years. Is it a response to another STD?
Could i have given it to the partner orally also if it’s herpes???

Could this just be severe irritation? If so how do i treat it
They feel like an outbreak... i think they are blistery am trying to pop one.
OMG! It is a blister!
Could i have given it to him???? And then given it to myself???????
Avatar universal
**** it was a blister! It popped!
10 Comments
Could i give it to myself to my Genitals after giving him oral????
Okay, calm down and breathe.

First, you don't know that this is oral hsv1. Did you test positive for it when you had your herpes test?

If you did, you have antibodies which prevent you from getting it in another location. You won't get it genitally.

If you didn't test positive, get yourself to an urgent care and get this cultured today. Don't put a single thing on it. Just ask for it to be cultured for hsv1. Any urgent care can do it.

DON'T POP ANYTHING. You really need to learn to let your body BE, and let things heal naturally.

Gemi, call your therapist. You haven't responded to that when I've mentioned it, so I don't know if you are still seeing her, but call and make an appt.
I am positive for HSV1 , atleast i wont get it genitally.

I pray i dont give him anything.. I honestly pray so.. what do i do?

I called my therapist today..
I am praying this is only a blister from constantly biting my lips, friction from his beard and my itching.
also,
if he already has herpes 1 and i gave him oral, would he catch herpes 1 in both places?
I am afraid i was shedding when i saw him. Because I did not see any symptoms.
Listen, your anxiety is a little out of control.  We aren't therapists.  You need to meet with your therapist and frankly a psychiatrist to get this under control.  I say that with kindness.  I k now anxiety makes everything feel real and frantic and worst case scenario plays in your head, but the reality is typically nothing like those anxious thoughts.  We can't reassure you enough because of your anxiety. It's time to dig into that mental health disorder fully as that is the issue.  We are never going to be able to quell your anxiety, and the more we try, the more it feeds it.  So, get help with that aspect as it really seems to be spiraling.  I wish you the best, up the ante for your mental health care.  It's time.  
Gemi, if he already has hsv1 orally, just like you, he has antibodies that would prevent him from getting it genitally.

Also, he's a big boy who had unprotected sex and whatever happens, he has to live with, just like you. You are not responsible for his consequences. This is not a relationship. He is a doctor. He knows how to take care of himself.

You aren't responsible for anyone except yourself. Talk to your therapist. And really, if you don't have a psychiatrist, I agree with GuitarRox - it's time to get one. I say that with love. Your mental health is so important.
Thank you guys for the support and concern about me and my mental health.
No you guys are not therapists, but i appreciate it.

I am going through bad depression now, after anxiety i go through depression. I hit rock bottom.
To be fair, therapy helped to an extent. I am not sure if I am getting the actual help I need. I will dig deeper indeed.. Therapy is a very relaxed slow paced aid. i think i am running out of time.

When you overthink you lose touch with reality. You forget to act upon about what you actually need to be alright.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

What does that mean - running out of time?

Talk to your therapist. Let her know what you just told us. Let her know you aren't sure you are getting what you need. Advocate for yourself. Maybe you need it more than once a week. Maybe you need meds. I know you are signed up for the trial thing, but maybe that's not right for you at this time.

Talk to your therapist. Get a psychiatrist. Talk about meds. If you have anxiety, OCD and depression, you need a psychiatrist. You are in one of the best cities to get the best care. Take advantage of that. :)
Avatar universal
I will talk to her, I actually was just looking for a psychiatrist. I truly believe i need one now.

A week ago i went for urinalysis, they called me yesterday they said i have UTI and medication got prescribed.

Could that be the reason for the poking feeling? I also keep having an itch in same spot, occasionally.

I am 5 days post exposure ( Had sex on Saturday)
I am still keeping my fingers crossed.
5 Comments
Yeah, it could be the poking feeling, and maybe the itch is, too. UTIs can cause a lot of irritation.

Ask your therapist for names of a psychiatrist. She probably knows some really good ones. :)
Good idea! She would know one also in network for my insurance.

Thank you so much...
Yes, and she'd know which ones to avoid, too.
I took myself to the hospital last night, I had a nervous breakdown. I went from fight-flight to freeze to not knowing where I was to feel like I was going in and out of touch with reality.
I was put on Xanax and got referrals to psychiatrists.

Today is day 6 post-exposure.
I no longer know if what I feel in my brain, or is it actually true.
Shouldn't I be seeing something by now? especially that HSV1 has already flared up?
I am pushing my immunity down to see if anything will come up.

I keep getting a faint itch and that's what drove me nuts, my thoughts too.

I am sorry I keep bothering you.
I don't think you are bothering anyone but you do really need to immediately get in touch with the psychiatrist.  I think you've been given so much information at this point regarding std's and HSV that asking for reassurance or these questions is part of the anxiety. It would be best for you to work on the anxiety with professionals at this point.  Good luck and try to stay calm over the weekend.  In all sincerity, don't wait to see a psychiatrist and make the calls to set that up now.  
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