I'm headed to the doctors now to pick up my lab script and then to the lab. Although I'm Agnostic, please pray for me. I know this is not the death of me but it still s*cks.
I had my additional tests done yesterday...on my way home I couldn't help but think how much better things would be if I just crashed my car into a wall. Then I thought no, because my kids wouldn't get my life insurance. The thought then left me.
I've read and read and read about how this is just a virus. I thought I had no symptoms but found what I thought was razor rash on my hips and an annoying pimple on my backside was actually "it". I just can't seem to get rid of the feeling of contamination.
I just cry and cry and cry and then...I cry some more.
All my life I've been a "play by the rules" kind of person. Read the instructions, follow directions, if the sign says "Don't step on the grass" then DON'T STEP ON THE GRASS. Being confronted with something I've done wrong has always been a huge fear. I don't see myself as doing anything, wrong by having "it". I do feel there is something wrong with me though. I guess the word unacceptable is a better way to describe it.
I started seeing my daughter’s counselor. I saw him the day after I found out (10/02) and will see him again next week.
My husband is NOT supportive. He has the "No big deal, just get over it" attitude. Who can blame him really, every time he just brushes by me I jerk away like I just got shocked by electricity.
I told him I couldn't imagine ever being intimate again, he just responded with "we'll see".
I'm still able to hug my 7 year old son but a huge wrench has been thrown into the (already struggling) relationship with my teen daughter and sons. One of my sons (15) and my daughter (18) are already sexually active. I have talked with them about protection and disease but never went into the consequences. They can tell something is upsetting me, so I don't think now is the best time to give them that talk. If they ever found out....
I tend to dwell on the petty but when it comes to the big stuff I can usually think things through and handle it quite well. I just can't seem to shake this. If I can't shake this, what's going to happen if I'm positive for something else? I can't even imagine. The more I stress over it, the more paranoid I get. Every itch, every ache, I think "Is that a symptom?".
Does/Did anyone else feel this way? How are/did you handle it?
Yes, it is so hard to initially comprehend and accept. Please take it day by day and it does get better. The crying slows down and having a husband to talk to will help later when you learn to live with the diagnosis. Eventually you come to an acceptance and it slowly slides to the back burner. It took several months before that happened in my case. You may find yourself obsessed for a while but it will slow down.
One thing that is good in your situation is that it has been there hiding without you really noticing. Look back on the days before you were made aware of the diagnosis and realize nothing has changed. You are the same person and although it is a major bump in the road, give it time and it wont' be so consuming for you. (The major paranoia must be normal as well! I never noticed so many bumps and aches~!)
Take care and best wishes.
Thank You so Much for your response. Even in this large forum I felt like I was alone.
I got my results from my second test back. I had them test me for pretty much everything.
Everything came back negative except now they've told me I not only have 2, I have1 as well. I'm aware of some of those symptoms that I will keep in mind to protect my family but I won't be looking it up. I know I will just obsess.
Although it's still not as bad as I know it could be it seems the more I dwell on it the more I'm seeing. I guess it's the mental aspect of the whole thing.
The worst part of this entire thing is that; last night my 7 year old said his winky burns. This has happened twice before but I brushed it off as a rubbing rash. I Put Desitin on it and let it go. This time I took a good look at it....I found that he had 3 small "pimple like things" on his (very small) shaft and a larger "pimple like thing" on the head. He asked me what I was doing and I told him I just needed to make sure which medicine to use. He was ok with that.
I'm taking him to the doctors today to make sure. This time, I told my husband to think of a way it wouldn't look like suicide because if I did this to my son....
Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. It's just the first thing that comes to mind when you think about something happening to your kids. Being a mom yourself I'm sure you know what I mean.
I'll post the results just in case you are interested. Thanks again!
Oh my...I am very interested in how your son is. I have the same fears with my children. Every bump or cold puts me into a panic attack. Hopefully it is nothing to worry over...
I made it past several very very bad months of being suicidal because of the same situation. I even went so far as to figure out the "how to make it accidental" part and wrapped up all my unfinished business and insurance. Day by day is the only way I found manage. I never thought I'd still be here to try and help other people in similar situations. If you find that your son did contract this, don't feel alone. I have found other mother's who have accidentally transferred to there children. Often when they are young and need so much help with food, changing and cleaning.
Because your son is older it I believe it would be very unlikely so don't panic!
Best wishes to you and you family.
To have herpes is upsetting, but not nearly to the degree that you are worrying about. It is not life threatening. Certainly shouldn't cause suicidal thoughts. Physically you will be okay. Sorry to hear about your situation and hope you son is okay too. I'm just saying that you should try to be rational about this. Your life will go on as it always has. Who knows how long you've had it? It could have been a while and it never really affected you? Try to stay positive. Seek counseling if necessary but your will truly be okay.
For me, the upset was (and is) more the fear for my children. Living together makes you very paranoid!
I am compassionate for your situation. Certainly it is upsetting, but ultimately you will all be fine. Over time you will eventually have less and less break outs (at least thats what I've read). As for HSV 1, something like 70% of people have it. Your in the majority ! HSV II is hard to transmit, other than sexually. I know its upsetting but certainly don't think in suicidal terms. Imagine the pain that would cause your children !?!?! Work with your doctors to figure out the best treatment. I wish you well. Keep your head up, its not the end of the world.
HelpMomof2/ImStupid, Thank you so much for your support.
I took my son to the doctor and she said it was a yeast infection. I found that odd since he had "pimple like things".
Since I've had it for more than 10 years, I told her that when he was a baby I would hold him in the shower with me. (I know, very dangerous)
She then tried to tell me that he couldn't have gotten it by his bare skin touching (what I thought at the time was a pimple) a lesion. She said that the genital area would have had to touch.
How can doctors be so ignorant? I asked her to test him to make sure and I was told they didn't have the testing supplies. Hmmm? She told me to use Lotramin 3x a day for about 2 weeks or until it's gone. 2 weeks!? It doesn't take 2 weeks to kill a yeast infection but it does take about 2-3 weeks for a lesion to clear up. I don't know....I'm still scared.
ImStupid - Thank you for your supportive words to me and Helpmom2. Helpmom2 says she has passed that point and as for me, well, I'll be fine. It's more about trying so hard all your life to do the right thing and then having something like this happen. I've lost faith in myself, and my good morals. (Temporarily I hope).
I think a lot of people have (initial) extreme thoughts when something devastating happens. From hiding in a corner till it's over to suicide.
Most don't say anything and others may scream it out loud. Some don't even get scared at all. Then there are people like me that say it quietly or write it in a forum. It helps to realize how stupid the thought really was.
Here is an example; say you just found out your husband/wife cheated on you but it happened a long time ago. Everything seemed to be fine in the past few years. Would you be devastated?
You see, although everything was fine and nothing has changed except for your newfound knowledge it is still hard to handle.
I WILL get through this and it seems helpmom2 is also well on her way.