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Avatar universal

Received oral - now pregnant wife has symptoms - please help

Hi - Please forgive me and my behavior; I feel devastated and scared to death, and I need some advice to help me navigate this as I fear I may lose my family.

I am happily married (7 years, 14+ yr relationship) with one lovely child and a second on the way. My wife is in her second trimester (due in March). I have been faithful to my wife, with the exception of two instances. The first, in university during our first year together (12, 13 years ago?), the second, approximately 3 months ago. It is worth noting that in 2003 or so my wife had a pap and HPV was found. Feeling immense guild, I fest up to being unfaithful to her. We have survived that, and are where we are today. Trust is an issue in our relationship. No other transgressions on my part, until 3 months ago.

Here's what happened - like most men, I was severely intoxicated and lacked judgement. I was at a conference, and I had a brief encounter with a woman who is also in a long term relationship. We kissed, and she performed oral sex on me (without a condom). We did not have intercourse; however, I did finger her and MAY have touched my penis while I was receiving oral sex.

I felt terrible, guilty, ... you name it, I felt it all. I decided to label it as a grave mistake and opted to live with the guilt as opposed to ruining  lives (my son, unborn baby, my wife, and mine).

I did not get tested, and I did continue to have a sexual relationship with my wife sometime after I returned home.

Approximately 1.5 to 2 months later, my wife started feeling pain and discomfort and pain immediately after she would have an orgasm. She says that she would 'dry right up'. She eventually claimed to have symptoms that are similar to those of a yeast infection (itching, burning pain during sex, and some discharge). She did try an over the counter medication (Clotrimazole Vaginal Cream USP, 3-day treatment) but the symptoms did not go away. I am unsure if she tried the 3-day cycle more than once. We have tried intercourse from time to time over the past month or so, but the feeling persisted and it was uncomfortable for her. I have asked her a few times how she was feeling 'down there', and she has claimed to be'not normal down there'. Once, after the discomfort following intercourse with her, she claimed that peeing didn't feel great either (I do not know if this occurs all the time). This has been going on for a month / a month and a half.

I have not had any symptoms that are consistent with an STI that is possible with unprotected oral, with the exception of a slight discomfort in the area that appears to be my urethra. I do not get pain when I pee, and I have checked frequently to see if I could produce or had any evidence of discharge. I do urinate often, but I think that's due to the amount of coffee / water that I drink (I always produce when I do go). So far, nothing. I question if the slight feeling, the sense of things 'not being right' in my urethra is more me being freaked out. I do not know. I sometimes feel similar 'tingles' on my elbow, on my ears, on my eyelid... I'm hypersensitive to it.

I have checked these forums, and other sites on the internet, to try and get a sense of the likelihood of me being infected during this one (stupid) encounter. I have experienced highs and lows doing this, but it has been my only option.

What I think I have learned: 1) there are only 3 types of STD's to worry about: gonorrhea, NGU, and chamydia. 2) transmission during oral sex is unlikely (can this be defined? Even a rough estimate?),  3) the likelihood that my partner in all of this had an STI is very low (she too is in a long relationship), 4) yeast infections in pregnant woman are very common (particularly in the 2nd trimester; not sure about UTI's), 5) the fact that I have no (except perhaps one) symptoms is a good sign, 6) I am likely more worried than I need to be, but I can't help it (so much at stake!), 7) many internet sites freak me out as it sounds as though you are guaranteed to get an STI with unprotected oral; I chalk that up to fear mongering a bit to influence people's behvior (MedHelp seems to have different information, at least, more to my liking. This may be because it let's me believe there is a positive outcome in all of this).

Some questions:

A) How common are yeast infections or UTI's in pregnant woman? Is this the likely culprit for her symptoms?

B) My wife has a scheduled Dr.'s appointment next Monday where she will mention her symptoms (I am supposed to be there, and am stressed about it). She has asked me twice if I cheated on her, and I lied to her both times and said no. She does suspect that I was unfaithful, due to our history (referenced above).

C) I feel like my only course of action is to continue to hide the truth about this, and wait to see what the doctor says. This seems like the only option where I have a chance of saving my family (telling her the truth would surely demolish it). Is this a crazy approach?

D) I am scared to get tested for STI's. I am concerned that she will find out about visiting a clinic, and that this would be on my permanent record (I live in Canada). Getting tested might give me information that I need (whether it's negative or positive) to try and manage this crisis (opting to tell vs. opting not to tell; being truthful might give me a chance if the test brings about bad news).

E) One thought, although a long shot, is my lack of good personal hygiene. I have mild hemorrhoids and often get an itch on my anus. I often can't resist the urge to scratch / rub it (it relieves the itch) and am sometimes (ok, often) not in the best place to wash my hands properly (such as at night when I'm in bed, among others). I did read that one form of infection can be from germs in feces getting into the urethra. No idea if this could be related, but figured I'd mention it.

F) What is the likelihood that I have contracted an STI (gonorrhea, NGU, etc)? Am I doomed?

G) I have read that HPV goes away on its own in two or three years. Is this the case?

I feel like there is so much more to write in order to get the context right to solicit good responses. I am really scared, and don't know how to proceed. So far, I've just been hoping, praying, and lying, and am scared to death that I will destroy my family. Any help or insights, particularly from an MD, would be extremely helpful.

Thank you.

4 Responses
Avatar universal
You risk for a STD was low, meaning that the chance is better not to get one then get one even if that person had an oral STD.
Avatar universal
Thanks for the post. I just had a chat with the woman that I had the encounter with. I learned that she has had ZERO symptoms since our encounter about 3 months ago. While not out of the woods, that will help me sleep better tonight.

Also, reviewing earlier posts I was pleased to read this from HHH, MD:
-Oral sex is safe sex (not totally free of STD risk, but much safer than vag or anal)

-"Whether acquired orally or by vaginal / anal sex, the symptoms are the same: discharge of abnormal puss or mucus from the penis (I DON"T HAVE THIS), sometimes accompanied by painful urination [gonorrhea, NGU] (I DON"T HAVE THIS), or penile sores [herpes, syphilis] (I DON"T HAVE THIS)

-"Gonorrhea usuall causes symptoms within 5 days (I DIDN'T HAVE THESE SYMPTOMS), NGU 7-10 days (I DIDN'T HAVE THESE SYMPTOMS), herpes 2-5 days (I DIDN'T HAVE THESE SYMPTOMS), syphilis up to 3 weeks (I DIDN'T HAVE THESE SYMPTOMS).

-"Almost certainly you will be in the clear if you have no symptoms within 10 days. This isn't a guarantee, but if I were in your situation, I would feel comfortable resuming unprotected sex with my wife at this time"

-"The bottom line is that the chance you caught anything is low, and if there are no symptoms within 7-10 days you can be even more certain about it".

My only symptom, which seems like it could be psychological, is a bit of 'funniness' down there, what I assume to be a bit of urethral inflammation (Or I'm just dreaming it's there).

Please advise if these statements are off. Thanks.
Avatar universal
They are written by a Dr, I am not going to question him.
Avatar universal
Agreed, yes of course. I should have said "please advise if you think my confidence in this is off". Just looking for reassurance I suppose; particularly with my lone (ghost?) symptom.

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