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Avatar universal

dating and meeting people if you have herpes..

how hard is it to find a partner after you find out you have herpes? i would guess about 95% of women would not want to be in a relationship with you after you tell them. is meeting people with herpes easier than it sounds? i heard 1 out of 5 people have it. i see there are dating websites for people with stds. the only catch is the money it costs to join and if you browse through there, nobody really puts their pictures up. i am not sure if i have herpes, but if i do than i really feel that dating and being with women again is a part of my life i will forever have to part with. if i come out and tell all my friends and family and not keep it a secret do more people come out and tell you that they have something as well? im am so scared to think that the one thing in life i want: somebody to be with me, is something that will forever be nothing but a dream because of everybody not willing to take the chance. if anybody has and advice, or stories about this please respond.
7 Responses
Avatar universal
I just found out I tested positive for hsv-2 antibodies, and the same things are going through my mind.  On one hand, I think one must be thankful that its not something worse, like HIV/AIDS.  But at the same time, I am scared about what my love life will be like.  I guess if you look at the statistics, there should be a handful of people in your circle of friends who also have stds that they are hiding.  You're not alone, at least.  I'm looking for advice as well, since I'm not sure what to do myself....I guess the best thing to do is just take care of your health and body as best you can from now on...protect yourself and others from other infections.  Best wishes
233552 tn?1228319699
First I would like to say that you don't have to tell anyone that you have an STD unless you plan on having sex with them, it's best out of respect and will be best in the long run. I myself have herpes but before I tested positive, I had been dating my now husband. We had been together for 2 years and he had been keeping a huge secret from me. I remember the night he told me very well. We were in love and had been trying to have a baby. Then he told me that he had herpes. Right before my eyes my world came fall down on top of me. I was scared, my heart sank to my toes and broke. The man that I was sharing my life with just broke the special bond of trust that we had. All I could do was get up and leave with tears in my eyes. I was so confused, I didn't know what to do or where to go. I felt abused, cheated, hurt, hate and many other things. I went back home and we just held each other for the rest of the night till we fell asleep. At that time in my life I didn't know what I should have done but I knew that I loved his man with everything that I have and I didn't want to spend my life without him. Just because he has herpes doesn't change who he is, he is still the same man. He just has baggage, like everyone else. 7 months later I tested positive. All those same feelings of hate and anger came back, along with the tears. I could not stop crying for anything. That day when he came home he looked at me and knew what was wrong without asking. He told me that I would never know how sorry he was for giving this STD to me. And to top it all off I have been having the worst outbreak in all of HISTORY, 10 months straight of outbreaks. The fire will not go out. Some of you know what I mean. I try to keep a positive mind but that gets hard at times. In a way I think it made the two of us closer because now we both know what we are going through. Think of it this way, herpes weeds out the bad people. By this I mean when you find that special someone and you tell them you have herpes..2 things will happen, they will stay or leave. The one that stays is the one you want to keep. Trust me on this one...we have not had sex in 10 months and got married 3 months ago. And we are together and in love. It might be better if you found someone with herpes that way you won't feel bad when and if they get it. Trust me on that one. But whoever you find should love you for you no matter what. I wish I would have known before hand but that was no in the cards.I hope this helps &  hope you 2 guys will go back and read some of the comments I have made over the past few days. MOST IMPORTANT GET TESTED and have whoever your with to get tested too.
101028 tn?1419603004
I've never really had a problem finding a partner because of my herpes - in 21 years of having it - only 1 fellow decided the risk of contracting it was too much for him ( one night stand type situation so it wasn't an issue for me ).  I know folks who have never been turned down because of herpes and I also know folks who have never had the least bit of luck keeping someone once they say they have herpes.  A past poll on the herpes homepage showed that 3 out of 4 folks that people told that they had herpes to were accepting of it.  It's really not the deal breaker everyone assumes it must be. I just think that the folks who it's not an issue for - aren't posting about it on the support boards - only the folks who have had bad luck are coming for support because of being turned down or afraid to date because of it - which makes perfect sense of course.

I've tried the herpes dating sites but I live in a small town so there's never been anyone close ( ok so once there was someone about 20 minutes away from me but he was much younger than me so it wasn't an option ).  I think folks probably have better luck with it if they live in a bigger area. Also I don't think a lot of folks with herpes even know that there are dating sites out there like that :(

I keep odd hours and have kids who keep me busy. I don't have time to really socialize enough to meet folks easily.  I use the online dating sites like match and yahoo. Yes I pay money for them so that I can communicate with others - otherwise why bother if all you can do is "wink" back and forth at each other? ( besides why shouldn't they make money to find you a date? )  It's always worked well for me.  I don't list that I have herpes on my ads though I know some folks do.  Even though I'm very open about my herpes and can talk about it to anyone pretty much - I feel it's something that I should have at least some control over chosing when to talk about it.I just feel that there's a hell of a lot more to me than just that I have oral and genital herpes so why put the focus on those 2 things right from the gitgo?  My crazy work hours and my responsibilities to my children are far bigger deal breakers for most fellows than my herpes is.   One of the fellows who I"m currently dating asked about my "hobby" of volunteering my time on std support boards as I called it in my ad and I sent him the link to asha to learn more about std's in general after he asked ( we still haven't talked about my herpes yet since hell I haven't even gotten a kiss even yet!  ) - he checked it out and was flabbergasted at how much he never knew about hpv and hsv in particular!  I think most folks are like that - assume that they don't date the kind of folks who would ever have a std and just think they are "safe" and don't need to worry about it.  

Anyways - don't let herpes be the reason why you stay home on a saturday night is the gist of what I'm trying to say. It's only a deal breaker if you let it be.  It's not the end of your dating life by no means. Also don't forget - herpes isn't the only std out there so don't make it the focus - think about what they might have too.

Avatar universal
I have a question that I ask because I really do want to understand, not to make any kind of judgment on your practices.  Above you talk about online dating and the guy you were talking to who sent information to about your std boards volunteering.  You wrote, "( we still haven't talked about my herpes yet since hell I haven't even gotten a kiss even yet!  ) "  So that means that you would kiss him without telling him that you have herpes?  ...But if you have HSV1 and 2...aren't you putting him at risk because you could be viral shedding?  

I know that from an emotional/psychological standpoint each herpes sufferer makes the choice to tell another person when they want/need to but I'm wondering about it from the technical side of being contagious.  

Thank you!
Avatar universal
I noticed that the one response I got most recently was to put posts under the original to avoid confusion.  I don't understand this.  I am responding to posts under a specific topic so that is where I want to find people (not just you) who may be able to respond.

Thanks for any response you can offer.

Avatar universal
thank you for sharing. at least you had a happy ending.  The person I have been  involved with for 8 years and have been  the only one I have been sleeping, gave me herpes and denies it. About three years ago, I saw a blister on his penis and he told me that it was just a cold sore. I feel so alone because he treats me so bad emotionally and mentally.  He isolates me from his friends and family and tells people that he is trying to get rid of me.  When I bring it up he gets so defensive and disrespectful and he has a way of making me feel that I'm the monster. I know this is not healthy for me, and he acts like it nothing.  I know that I am very anger about how he has messed my life up and I try to forgive him, but he continues to take advantage of it like a heartless creature. after being treated by the very person that did this to me, makes it harder for me to move on. Can someone help
Avatar universal
Please start your own thread, if you have a question about herpes please post in the herpes forum. If you have a relationship question please post in that forum.
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