I just found out...

[duly_noted]

I prayed for a long time for the right woman...  She is wonderful... beautiful, intelligent, professional, sensitive, feeling, caring,...  I could go on and on.  Our time together has been limited… although we have had unprotected sex.  Last night, she told me she had herpes.  She has dealt with it for 20 + years.  
She talked to her doctor who looked on their physician website for the most up to date data.  Transmission occurs in about 10% of the population.  Greater tendency to transmit if the male has it (17 %) vs. the female (4 %).  What does this mean?  During an outbreak?  On average?  Anyway…
She has a couple of outbreaks per year.  Her doctor is phoning in an RX to take when she feels an outbreak coming on.   Would Valtrex help reduce transmission?
Her doctor told her:  Typical breakouts last about 7 days.  The time when one can transmit is during the "sloughing" period which occurs right before the actual breakout.  My girlfriend tells me this is the time when she feels a tingly sensation, pain in the groin area, flu-like symptoms.  I have read about asymptomatic transmission…. Her “intuition” probably wouldn’t help then!
I’m not crazy about wearing a condom for the rest of my sex life… although I know an outbreak is not a good time to chance it.  If we abstain during the sloughing and outbreak times, what are the chances I will contract this?  Her ex-husband never contracted it (supposedly, but I understand that outbreaks don’t necessarily have to occur).  I really care about this woman, but she and I have both noticed a little black cloud over my head since she has told me.  We cannot continue a relationship with reservations.  I have to get past this or walk…  I’ve gone this long without it…  I don’t really want it now, but what are the chances that the next one won’t have the same thing, either obviously or asymptomatic…
I’m just a bit overwhelmed!  Any guidance will be appreciated.

[duly_noted]

Thank you so much...  This isn't easy, and I know I'm not alone in this.  I think she just might be my soulmate, and that would be a shame to pass up because of this.  I can't help but think that God has a funny way of making one reach deep within themselves...

[Edward W Hook, MD]

Your concerns are not unusual.  At the same time, this sounds like a good relationship.  Many people with herpes do not trust themselves or their partners enough to tell them and then try to work through things.  I congratulate her and suspect that you are lucky to have met her.  

You and she have obviously looked into this so just let me elaborate on a few things.

Most transmission occurs as a result of asymptomatic shedding but that is also, in part, because about 9 out of 10 people with genital herpes do not know they have it.  Persons who are aware of their infections and disclose this to their partners are less likely to transmit it than persons who do not.  Taking the kinds of precautions you describe will help.  

In addition, a relatively recent study indicated that taking chronic suppressive therapy with valacyclovir (that is, valacyclovir every day), whether or not there is an outbreak present further reduces the likelyood of transmitting infection.  

As you point out, if this comes between the two of you there is absolutely no way to be sure that this won't happen with another partner.  Remember, about one in five (conservatively) American adults has gential herpes and most of them do not know it.

I hope this helps.  It is sounds as though this is worth working at.  EWH