Welcome back to the forum.
While it would have been a kindness to inform your partner about your presumed wart, I don't agree it was a major ethical lapse that you didn't do so. The odds any particular person will catch a genital HPV type -- whether in the genital area or orally, isn't any higher in people with or without known exposures. In other words, your partner is at no greater risk of oral HPV from this event than she would be anyway. Why not? Because genital HPV is so prevalent that every sexually active person is repeatedly exposed anyway; any single event makes no difference in risk. That's why the standard recommendation by CDC and other expert authorities is that there is no need for partners of people with warts or other genital HPV infections to be referred for examination.
In any case, the genital HPV types don't readily infect oral tissues. For example, despite the near universality of oral-genital sex in sexually active persons these days, the frequency of oral HPV is one fifth that of genital infection. And oral warts are very rare -- so even among people known to be exposed to the wart-causing types, warts don't usually develop.
By the way, you can't assume that just because your wart is at the base, oral contact with your penis carried no risk for HPV transmission. In some (most?) persons with overt warts, the HPV infection involves nearby areas that appear entirely normal. You can assume the virus is present elsewhere on your penis. But that doesn't change the main point -- that regardless of exposure, your partner is at little risk for any important health problem.
Should you inform your partner after the fact? I pretty much agree with your own analysis, i.e. I don't think it's a good idea. It might help you get beyond your guilt, but perhaps not best for your partner, for the reasons you state. On the other hand, some people would want to know. So this is a personal decision and I can't make it for you. Just don't be selfish -- i.e. don't do it just to relieve your own guilt if you think the main effect would be to freak out your partner.
I hope this helps. Best wishes-- HHH, MD
Oh, and by the way: get that wart treated!
Boy, you really are looking to be led by the hand, aren't you? The answers to this question are obvious from our previous discussion. But to be even more explicit, here we go again.
Her risk of transmitting any STD to future partners is none of your business. And we already discussed all the reasons that she almost certainly doesn't have oral HPV and that her risk for it is no higher on account of your encounter with her than it otherwise would be. And oral to genital HPV transmission almost never occurs anyway, and it certainly can't be transmitted by kissing.
Your highest ethical priority by far is to entirely drop any and all further worry or consideration about any of these issues. Suck it up and move on.
That's all for this thread.
Thank you again. I do have one last question. I promise I will not ask anything else after this. I'm concerned about the possibility of her transmitting HPV to other men through oral sex and/or kissing, if she acquired oral HPV from performing oral sex on me. What are the chances that she could transmit HPV to other people in this way? (The concern of her transmitting it to others is an important factor in my decision to inform her or not.)
No worries from the "dry sex". No STDs can be transmitted through clothing.
Thank you so much for your response. It has helped clarify my decision. Although I do feel awful about not telling her, it is a learning experience and I will not repeat the same mistake again. I'm definitely leaning toward not telling her, because I can't see how having this information could be helpful to her. I am concerned about her well-being, but also her potential to spread HPV to other men through oral sex and/or kissing, if she acquired oral HPV from me. But from what you're telling me, HPV is so common anyway that I'm not contributing much in a negative way to the public health by having her not know. Another final question...we also had "dry" sex. I was wearing thin nylon mesh shorts and she had on panties, and we "dry humped" for a long time. What are the chances I could have given her HPV from this, or that I could have acquired HSV2 (genital herpes) from grinding against her?