Aa
I need help cuz I'm giving up
I need help. Last night I went to the ER...again... because my legs have been getting weaker and collapsing under me, but usually I'm able to get back up. This time I was on the floor for 20 miinutes, my legs were numb and jello like, I had double vission, then they started to tingle ands burn. My friend insisted I called an ambulance, but I didnt want the hub-bub so I drove to the ER with my left foot, as my right foot has an on/off clonus rigfht now.
Long story short the doctor is wonderful at first saying he'll figure out whats going on. I became so scared ands was in so much pain I couldn't extend any of my joints and hjad to be in the fetal position. The security guard kept me company upon which he heard my story.
The doctor came back and started to yell at me saying he looked at my records, found out I was a drug seeker ands could never receive nbarcotic s at that hospital again and that he was gonna discharge me right there. He wouldn't even give me the chance to explain I wasn't asking for narcotics and wasn't going to ask for a prescription, I was just scared that I'd have to be in wheelchair permanately and by this time my left arm was numb as well, m y pulse 141 and short of breath, which are symtpoms of heart attack/stroke or from a panick attack, for which he wouldn't treat me.
He didnt beleive me that with Medi-cal there are waiting lists and I'm switching primarys right now as the old one wasn't doing her job, never faxed the appropriate referrals, no doctors could ever get a hold of her, she thought I was a drug addict and would drug test me each visit, and refused to see me last visit as I was 5 minutes late and they said I had to schedule another apppointment with her...for a month later. So that's why I've been having to go to the ER for scripts.
He said there no such thing as a waiting list and tyhey sould be able to get me in in 2-3 days. I told him I call every day for cancelations, but it's the holiday season/. The security guard witnessed it all and felt so bad for me and the way he treated me was inappropriate.
Next there was a hysterical psych ;lady next to me that no one coukld calm down, I offered to help but the psych consult said no, the doctor says I need to see you next anyways. He ordered a psych consult on me. Basically the hysterically lady, who was screaming and disrupting the entire ER demanded I talkj to her because I had suggestions for her as I had been were she was. After talking to her she stopped screaming and crying and started to be logical again. Top the staff, my helping thwem out went unnoted.
The psych consult said that my stories weren't matching up with all the nurses and doctors and I tiold her thats because I gewt a different diagnosis and instructions each time. I don't know what to say, but I never lie and she could call each doctor, check charting, or talk to my friends to verify everything I said. She didn't believe me and disagreed with pseudoaddiction-she didnt even know what it was.
I left in so much pain and unable to walk.Today I run out of percocet 10/650 and Vicodin 5/500 timers 2 tabs and a muscle relaxer, all of which I take three times a day. I am a hospice nurse and majoring in palliative or comfort care and I cant even get it myself. I have seen miracle when we take patients off all the percocet and vicodin that doesn't work and put them on one pill twice a day-either MS Contin or Oxycontin. Their mood changes, they can function better, they feel better and happier and freeer. But I can't even get a doctor to prescribe vicodin to me anymore, even with the xray of a serious back injury.
Basically I've decided I have to become home bound again and I'm just going to continue to take large amounts of sleeping pills so I can sleep for a long time and hope that by the time I wake up someone will be there to help me. I cannot take the pain anymore.
Last year, my first huge pain flareup, I tried to commit suicide to get away from the pain. I don't want it to get to that point this time. I have 4 years 1 month and 1 week clean/sober today, but am most likely ghoing to relapse to get rid of the pain because when it comes down to it, relapse is probably better than taking my own life,. I worked so hard dfor this clean time, grew so much, and have such a strong message to carry. And to through it all away is just so sad. But I dont have any other options because I dont care what people say, I cant tolerate this pain/.
And my supporting recovering addicts are great, but unless youve been in chronic sever pain yourself its hard to understad. I just don't get why for 23 years of my life I've been in some kind of pain, whether it be emotional mental, spiritual, or physical. Why can any loving God do this to me? Ive been told I will only be given what I can handle, but I cant do this anymore. I dont want to get hgih IO just want the pain gone so I can function becauzse I'vbe nev er been able to be 23 and go out on dates or anything. I've always been sick in some way. and its tragic to think that I have dreams of changeing healthcare and the world, but might not be able to do that because no one cared enough to go out on a limb for me. Any resources, any suggestions, any support or just love would help right now. Thanks. Sara
Long story short the doctor is wonderful at first saying he'll figure out whats going on. I became so scared ands was in so much pain I couldn't extend any of my joints and hjad to be in the fetal position. The security guard kept me company upon which he heard my story.
The doctor came back and started to yell at me saying he looked at my records, found out I was a drug seeker ands could never receive nbarcotic s at that hospital again and that he was gonna discharge me right there. He wouldn't even give me the chance to explain I wasn't asking for narcotics and wasn't going to ask for a prescription, I was just scared that I'd have to be in wheelchair permanately and by this time my left arm was numb as well, m y pulse 141 and short of breath, which are symtpoms of heart attack/stroke or from a panick attack, for which he wouldn't treat me.
He didnt beleive me that with Medi-cal there are waiting lists and I'm switching primarys right now as the old one wasn't doing her job, never faxed the appropriate referrals, no doctors could ever get a hold of her, she thought I was a drug addict and would drug test me each visit, and refused to see me last visit as I was 5 minutes late and they said I had to schedule another apppointment with her...for a month later. So that's why I've been having to go to the ER for scripts.
He said there no such thing as a waiting list and tyhey sould be able to get me in in 2-3 days. I told him I call every day for cancelations, but it's the holiday season/. The security guard witnessed it all and felt so bad for me and the way he treated me was inappropriate.
Next there was a hysterical psych ;lady next to me that no one coukld calm down, I offered to help but the psych consult said no, the doctor says I need to see you next anyways. He ordered a psych consult on me. Basically the hysterically lady, who was screaming and disrupting the entire ER demanded I talkj to her because I had suggestions for her as I had been were she was. After talking to her she stopped screaming and crying and started to be logical again. Top the staff, my helping thwem out went unnoted.
The psych consult said that my stories weren't matching up with all the nurses and doctors and I tiold her thats because I gewt a different diagnosis and instructions each time. I don't know what to say, but I never lie and she could call each doctor, check charting, or talk to my friends to verify everything I said. She didn't believe me and disagreed with pseudoaddiction-she didnt even know what it was.
I left in so much pain and unable to walk.Today I run out of percocet 10/650 and Vicodin 5/500 timers 2 tabs and a muscle relaxer, all of which I take three times a day. I am a hospice nurse and majoring in palliative or comfort care and I cant even get it myself. I have seen miracle when we take patients off all the percocet and vicodin that doesn't work and put them on one pill twice a day-either MS Contin or Oxycontin. Their mood changes, they can function better, they feel better and happier and freeer. But I can't even get a doctor to prescribe vicodin to me anymore, even with the xray of a serious back injury.
Basically I've decided I have to become home bound again and I'm just going to continue to take large amounts of sleeping pills so I can sleep for a long time and hope that by the time I wake up someone will be there to help me. I cannot take the pain anymore.
Last year, my first huge pain flareup, I tried to commit suicide to get away from the pain. I don't want it to get to that point this time. I have 4 years 1 month and 1 week clean/sober today, but am most likely ghoing to relapse to get rid of the pain because when it comes down to it, relapse is probably better than taking my own life,. I worked so hard dfor this clean time, grew so much, and have such a strong message to carry. And to through it all away is just so sad. But I dont have any other options because I dont care what people say, I cant tolerate this pain/.
And my supporting recovering addicts are great, but unless youve been in chronic sever pain yourself its hard to understad. I just don't get why for 23 years of my life I've been in some kind of pain, whether it be emotional mental, spiritual, or physical. Why can any loving God do this to me? Ive been told I will only be given what I can handle, but I cant do this anymore. I dont want to get hgih IO just want the pain gone so I can function becauzse I'vbe nev er been able to be 23 and go out on dates or anything. I've always been sick in some way. and its tragic to think that I have dreams of changeing healthcare and the world, but might not be able to do that because no one cared enough to go out on a limb for me. Any resources, any suggestions, any support or just love would help right now. Thanks. Sara
Hi mommies4 that was a brilliant and positive post to Sara. Thank you.
Yes we all have to learn to deal with pain in our own way. I have spent 2 hours just now playing facebook games to shut out the nerve pain in my private area which has just started in the last 2 days .... its horrendous.
I am truly sorry you are in this situtation. Thank you though for taking the time to answer ...
MERRY XMAS.
Yes we all have to learn to deal with pain in our own way. I have spent 2 hours just now playing facebook games to shut out the nerve pain in my private area which has just started in the last 2 days .... its horrendous.
I am truly sorry you are in this situtation. Thank you though for taking the time to answer ...
MERRY XMAS.
Hello,
I'm sorry to also hear of allthat you go through,most of us know all to well of the pain you speak of , it can be very overwhleming.I have Hypertention from a pseudotumor or BIH,DX'ed in April of this year,6 mths later had the shunt surgery LP shunt,always in cronic pain.Aug.this year has been a year of non stop pain for me.
Some times it's really hard to deal with.Just remember the people around you,try to put them above your pain,for me,it's my Husband and 4 kids ,and then my mother ,family and Friends,a good support system,is a must.Also know all to well about running to the ER,It take everything to stay out of that place,Some say MIND over Matter,well it really is just that ... You have to put your mind over the Matter to get past it,although it can get to be great,and you think you can't,YOU CAN,I know if I can, it is possible.
In my town we have a Mental Health,it's not what you think,I have not been yet,but know people that have,they will evaluate you,and give you the proper medication,whatever that may be , xanax,narcs,ect... and is bassed on your income.something you can see if they offer where you live.Remember we have to fight for ourselfs no one else is going to do it for us.It's yourself as your own avocate ,perhaps you will get lucky some of us do on occasion,and find that one Doc ,just maybe , if not just yet KEEP fighting to feel better.That is why we are all here to feel better ,find what's wrong ,get alittle insight and info from other ! Keep you Head We are all in your Corner ,FEEL BETTER ! xxx mommies4
I'm sorry to also hear of allthat you go through,most of us know all to well of the pain you speak of , it can be very overwhleming.I have Hypertention from a pseudotumor or BIH,DX'ed in April of this year,6 mths later had the shunt surgery LP shunt,always in cronic pain.Aug.this year has been a year of non stop pain for me.
Some times it's really hard to deal with.Just remember the people around you,try to put them above your pain,for me,it's my Husband and 4 kids ,and then my mother ,family and Friends,a good support system,is a must.Also know all to well about running to the ER,It take everything to stay out of that place,Some say MIND over Matter,well it really is just that ... You have to put your mind over the Matter to get past it,although it can get to be great,and you think you can't,YOU CAN,I know if I can, it is possible.
In my town we have a Mental Health,it's not what you think,I have not been yet,but know people that have,they will evaluate you,and give you the proper medication,whatever that may be , xanax,narcs,ect... and is bassed on your income.something you can see if they offer where you live.Remember we have to fight for ourselfs no one else is going to do it for us.It's yourself as your own avocate ,perhaps you will get lucky some of us do on occasion,and find that one Doc ,just maybe , if not just yet KEEP fighting to feel better.That is why we are all here to feel better ,find what's wrong ,get alittle insight and info from other ! Keep you Head We are all in your Corner ,FEEL BETTER ! xxx mommies4
nice work sarah
Total congrats on the rheumatologist appointment! I'll tell you, your suggestion to write out a timeline and list of symtoms really helps and I think the doctors appreciate.
FYI it turns out that my friend had a horrible experience with the rheumatologist I saw as well. She's the one that referred me to this one doctor at UCSD in the first place, as she has lupus as I did, so I scheduled an appointment with her. She called in sick of all days on my appointment day so I had to see this other guy.
Turns out with her the same thing happened. He told her she didn't have lupus so she stopped taking all her meds then went into a lupus flareup. Today she sees the rheumatologist she referred me to see today.
I just don't know what to think. One doctor sees me at 18/19 years when this all started and diagnosed me with an SLE type of autoimmune disease and this guy says it's only Chronic fatigue syndrome and severe fibromyalgia. But the other doctor knew me much better. She treated my mom for lupus. She saw me throughout the years for various arthritis/autoimmune type of complaints. Then she finally diagnosed me.
So I don't care so much lupus no lupus the treatment is the same really, not much to do but take care of yourself and do the best you can, and a pain clinic will help. I've been getting into the herbals latley. Anyway, congrats again on your appoinment, I wish you luck, but remember, it's just one persons oppinion, and one person can't know everything.
Sara
FYI it turns out that my friend had a horrible experience with the rheumatologist I saw as well. She's the one that referred me to this one doctor at UCSD in the first place, as she has lupus as I did, so I scheduled an appointment with her. She called in sick of all days on my appointment day so I had to see this other guy.
Turns out with her the same thing happened. He told her she didn't have lupus so she stopped taking all her meds then went into a lupus flareup. Today she sees the rheumatologist she referred me to see today.
I just don't know what to think. One doctor sees me at 18/19 years when this all started and diagnosed me with an SLE type of autoimmune disease and this guy says it's only Chronic fatigue syndrome and severe fibromyalgia. But the other doctor knew me much better. She treated my mom for lupus. She saw me throughout the years for various arthritis/autoimmune type of complaints. Then she finally diagnosed me.
So I don't care so much lupus no lupus the treatment is the same really, not much to do but take care of yourself and do the best you can, and a pain clinic will help. I've been getting into the herbals latley. Anyway, congrats again on your appoinment, I wish you luck, but remember, it's just one persons oppinion, and one person can't know everything.
Sara
I agree with suz well done for keeping on going.
I finally have an appointment Sara for the Rheumatologist in FEBRUARY, but its only taken 4 years.........so hopefully even I might get somewhere.
Big hugs go to the pain clinic they are well trained and can help you.
Mariax
I finally have an appointment Sara for the Rheumatologist in FEBRUARY, but its only taken 4 years.........so hopefully even I might get somewhere.
Big hugs go to the pain clinic they are well trained and can help you.
Mariax
Thanks Suz!!
Hi Sara
Listen to you, well done I'm so proud of what you have achieved over the last few days. You control your life and whether it is with pain or without just keep pushing yourself everyday. The pain clinic could be a good route for you, don't knock it until you try it ;o)
Again well done you.
Big hug
Suz
Listen to you, well done I'm so proud of what you have achieved over the last few days. You control your life and whether it is with pain or without just keep pushing yourself everyday. The pain clinic could be a good route for you, don't knock it until you try it ;o)
Again well done you.
Big hug
Suz
Hi,
I've been in bed for the past 3-4 days, off alll meds, in unbeleiveable pain but haven't exploded yet. Rheumatologist pretty much told me what I was fearing most, there was nothig medicine coujld do for me other then aa course of steroids which I can't do as I'm in recovery from an eating disorder and I'm in the early stags right now and don't want to rockk it.
He said for the most part to suckj it up and deal with it anbd when I see my PCP to ask fo9r a referral to a pain clinic. I believe thats a dead end as how am I ever supposed to work, finish getting my masters in nursing, or date, or anything. I feel like my life is over at 23.
But I'm not giving up. I got out of bed tosday, and cleaned up, got dressed, went to a meeting, m,et someone just diagnosed with MS who I could talk to, and did errins and accompllished some things. And although my neck and back are killing me, which neuro guy thought those injuries could explain my nerve symptoms, I'm hanging on and haven't exploded from pain yet.
Thank you all for your warmth and support, I so very much appreciate it.
Much love to you all. Sara
I've been in bed for the past 3-4 days, off alll meds, in unbeleiveable pain but haven't exploded yet. Rheumatologist pretty much told me what I was fearing most, there was nothig medicine coujld do for me other then aa course of steroids which I can't do as I'm in recovery from an eating disorder and I'm in the early stags right now and don't want to rockk it.
He said for the most part to suckj it up and deal with it anbd when I see my PCP to ask fo9r a referral to a pain clinic. I believe thats a dead end as how am I ever supposed to work, finish getting my masters in nursing, or date, or anything. I feel like my life is over at 23.
But I'm not giving up. I got out of bed tosday, and cleaned up, got dressed, went to a meeting, m,et someone just diagnosed with MS who I could talk to, and did errins and accompllished some things. And although my neck and back are killing me, which neuro guy thought those injuries could explain my nerve symptoms, I'm hanging on and haven't exploded from pain yet.
Thank you all for your warmth and support, I so very much appreciate it.
Much love to you all. Sara
Hi sara how did you get on with the appointment at the reumatalogist, I think you said it was for the 15th. Hope you are ok. Mrs A.
i see a lot of what im going trough in your post...however it sounds like you're worse off than i am. sad thing is you are only 23...hope im not like this in 2 years
HUGS
HUGS
Hi
So sorry to hear of your treatment in ER.
Just wanted to say don't give up, look how far you've come over the last few years it would be a shame to let it get the better of you now.
Big hugs
Suz
So sorry to hear of your treatment in ER.
Just wanted to say don't give up, look how far you've come over the last few years it would be a shame to let it get the better of you now.
Big hugs
Suz
Oh sorry you are still going through it Sara, I just dont know what to suggest next.
At least you have recovered from your visit to the ER which is a good thing, as your lengthy post shows your numb arm, and joint spasms have been resolved which is a good thing. Phew, your tablets must be working.
I tried to tell you to hold on and not get anxious and run to ER because once you are labelled physc it is hard to get rid of it and the more you go the more they will label you ok. If you think about it over 7 hours ago you were writhing on the ER floor in a foetal position dying of pain, but you are now able to type and think straight again, so even though these intensive symptoms occur you do get better which is a good thing, SO IF you could refrain yourself from going to ER and perhaps wait for the spasms to pass you would eventually have more support as you are not running to the ER to get medication.....and the staff would take you more seriously but how many times have you been to ER in the last 2 months?
Does that make sense?
All I can do from so far away is say hang in there until you get seen....its only tomorrow isnt it?
Believe me I know all about pain, but choose not to take anything as I know how easy it is to become addicted my husband is I am sure to his pain medication, and one of my friends is too........
Big hugs Maria
At least you have recovered from your visit to the ER which is a good thing, as your lengthy post shows your numb arm, and joint spasms have been resolved which is a good thing. Phew, your tablets must be working.
I tried to tell you to hold on and not get anxious and run to ER because once you are labelled physc it is hard to get rid of it and the more you go the more they will label you ok. If you think about it over 7 hours ago you were writhing on the ER floor in a foetal position dying of pain, but you are now able to type and think straight again, so even though these intensive symptoms occur you do get better which is a good thing, SO IF you could refrain yourself from going to ER and perhaps wait for the spasms to pass you would eventually have more support as you are not running to the ER to get medication.....and the staff would take you more seriously but how many times have you been to ER in the last 2 months?
Does that make sense?
All I can do from so far away is say hang in there until you get seen....its only tomorrow isnt it?
Believe me I know all about pain, but choose not to take anything as I know how easy it is to become addicted my husband is I am sure to his pain medication, and one of my friends is too........
Big hugs Maria
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