What to say in defense of accusations from schizophrenic delusions

[zdravo]

My boyfriend has alll of the symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia. I want to be supportive of him and help him in any way I can, but it is getting increasingly difficult as his delusions keep getting worse. He is constantly accusing me of cheating on him, and he has delusions about me doing things that I would never actually do. He constantly says he saw me in a car on the street or heard my voice on someone's phone, but these are all delusions. I know that it is the mental illness and not rational thinking that causes him to have these delusions, but it gets to be so overwhelming when he is calling and texting me non stop accusing me of being a prostitute and telling me that he is out on the street looking for proof that I am.
He does admit that he has a mental illness and has agreed to talk to a therapist, but my question is how should I respond to the accusations? I know there is no reasoning with delusions, but what should I say to calm him down when he is having these delusions? I am overwhelmed and at a loss for what is the right thing to say or do,but I don't want to give up because I am his only advocate, He doesn't have friends and his family is very dysfunctional and actually cause him more harm than good. Anyone who has experience with schizophrenia I would really appreciate your help or advice. Thank you.

[MISTYDAWNMANNING]

I just left the exact same situation. My boyfriend accusing me of cheating on him with his brother, his friends, and everyone.  He even thought I was plotting with them to have him killed! I never cheated or lied to the man. Everything in my phone was suspicious, and even when I stopped using my phone at all, he started to put things on it and then said that they look suspicious. He says he knows what he sees and what he hears and he believes them over anything I say, but everything he says is a delusion. I told him once that I think he has schizophrenia and he went off the wall. There's really nothing you can do to help unless he decides to help himself. You need to leave. I understand, because I was deeply in love with my man too, but he won't stop. And it will destroy you.

[AnnieBrooke]

What a story! So glad for you that you left. That's one where the advice is really to run, not walk, and never look back. Give yourself some easy time where you don't see anyone, maybe talk to a counselor so you don't fall for the same kind of guy again. Good luck.

[Paxiled]

Just to say, I tend to be more understanding of those with mental illness than most of the folks on here.  Yes, it's true, if you're with someone who refuses to do anything about it, it won't ever get better.  This is a pretty intense case of being with someone who nobody could stand to be with.  But just leaving someone because they have mental illness is a pretty harsh piece of advice.  People are different.  Some people just can't handle illness.  Others can not only live with an ill person but thrive from helping.  Most mental illness is pretty difficult to fix.  I know saying this is depressing, but it's just the facts.  But if one tries hard enough young enough it can be done.  But I feel bad every time someone comes on here in a relationship with someone who has mental illness and every0ne tells them to leave and don't look back.  Here you're even telling the person to get therapy so she never falls for someone suffering with mental illness again.  So does that mean everyone with anxiety and depression should be isolated from the rest of society?  Sounds like that's what you're saying.  Now I agree, this case is severe and the person isn't seeking help, so there's no way this relationship can work, it's not mutual.  But forgive me if I say I feel bad for the guy here, he's sick according to the poster, not evil, and I just can't bring myself to be that harsh about someone who is very ill.  What if he had cancer and got very cranky because of it?  Leave him?  

[AnnieBrooke]

I wouldn't advise someone in love with a guy who had anxiety or depression to run for it, but this girl was involved with a guy who not only accused her of sleeping with lots of other people but also of plotting his murder with all those guys, and was putting things on her phone so he could fight with her about those as though she wrote them, and went off the deep end when she questioned whether he had a mental condition. Women are killed by their domestic partner in this country often enough that it isn't even noted in the newspaper as shocking any more. If she wants to help, she has to do it from a safe distance, and she was right to leave. This isn't the same as if he was sick and "very cranky." He sounds scary.

[Paxiled]

I said I agreed that in this situation she has to leave.  Whether that's a permanent necessity or not is another question, but you're right, this situation is out of control and since he won't seek help or admit he has any problem there's no fix possible.  My point was aimed at a more general response from folks on here, generally women, to cut and run no matter what the poster might be able to tolerate as we're all different in that.  Some love helping others and some just want to get out of any situation that isn't ideal and start over.  I prefer to let the poster make that kind of decision based on the amount of love there is and the possibility of remediation.  In this case there is no such possibility right now so we agree on this case, as I said, and so on that we're in complete accord, Annie.

[PloddingOnAgain]

I’m going through the same sort of thing with my ex. I went through it for 2 years and it caused a massive relationship breakdown. Even tho we’re not together we still speak everyday and he goes through speights of these delusions. He constantly accused me of sleeping with people even to the point that he said I was making my own rotas for work and sneaking off in hotels with various other blokes (like I’m some nymphomanic). He still expects me to show him everything now even tho we’re not together and I’m keep pandering to it only for it to be thrown back in my face and told that it’s all lies. I’m getting sick of it all now - he’s put me at so much of a low people in work are noticing because when he causes these arguments and I’m in work I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m always having to justify everything - he’s even said I’ve changed my job and I haven’t I’m still working on the same unit in the same team in the same hospital.  I just don’t know if it’s worth it anymore. I love him so much. But as they say if u love someone you gotta let them go.

[drifter0213]

I can’t date can’t be happy can’t be sad

[Jason777ehr]

I am experiencing the exact same problem and it’s destroying the relationship. I recommend you get support for yourself because it can be traumatizing. Support groups that focus on partner delusions  and relationship issues may also be helpful. You are not alone.

[ang555]

Hi, is your boyfriend currently on any meds at all?  It seems like he might benefit from a low dosage.  In addition to his therapist he needs to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist can prescribe meds if he really needs them.  

[Nichol777]

if he were to join a group of people in therapy he might see other people struggling with the same conditions. there is a lot of camaraderie in most group settings. it takes a lot of the pressure off. good luck.

[zdravo]

Thank you for everyone who gave advice.
Well, to update, he is currently seeing a therapist once a week, but now he is telling me that he can't trust the therapist, and that he thinks the therapist is recording him to use his sessions against him somehow. The therapist has not prescribed him any meds, and he is still having delusions. He tells me that he knows the difference between delusions and reality, but that is far from true.
I am learning to be more patient and calmer when he accuses me of off-the- wall crazy things, but I can't deny that it is a huge struggle to keep my cool when he's in his delusional state.
I really love him and want to help him. He is a good person at heart, but the mental illness takes over a lot. I keep telling him calmly that the therapist is there to help him not hurt him, but he thinks otherwise. What should I say or do to help him to stick with therapy?

[Nichol777]

I have had my own similar manic episodes where there were trust issues and stressful situations that would leave me staring at a wall, in a stunned state. Your boyfriend needs a really good friend to open up to, an objective bystander who has no hidden agenda. There might other factors influencing that persons behavior, like lack of sleep or appetite, and from your description, feeling alienated or "isolated" socially. Maybe he could try group therapy. It has helped me with similar feelings.

[drifter0213]

i have delusions of romance sometimes when i meet a fine woman but i also believe that others can hear what im thinking too :)

[ILADVOCATE]

   The best thing to do is not to respond directly to anything he says that could potentially be delusional at the time. However if at some other point he is more stable that would more be the time to discuss these concerns in general. Speaking to a therapist with him could be of help. NAMI friends and family support groups can be of help as regards coping solutions.