I don't know how to win a man's affection. I usually try to impress them with either my looks or sex appeal, which often leads to sex and me being used. I have a really high sex drive and if I feel sexy I feel worth something, I masturbate compulsively, like two or three times a day even when I am feeling depressed because I want to feel good about myself. It makes me feel sexy and I often talk about sex or my sexual experiences to men so that they will think I am an ideal woman. I want to be worshipped but once I have gained their sexual interest I want them to want me for me. I don't feel confident they will want me for me without first offering lots of sex in the relationship. Men often trick me into one night stands making me think they want a relationship but then they **** off. It makes me feel cheap and horrid and the cycle starts all over again to the next guy. I only want to be loved. The love I was taught from childhood by men was all sexual and this has been reinforced over and over again whilst growing up. I am convinced a man's love can only be bought through good sex and a woman willing to go the extra mile in the bedroom department. My past is ****** up, I was abused sexually as a child by my dad. He was the only father figure I've ever had but we ran away from him age 9. During childhood I was threatened by boys my age wanting to pin me against the wall playing kiss chase. I experimented with female friends, I thought I was a lesbian for a long time as men scared me. I was sexual with female friends during high school and had sexual relationships from the age of 13 with boys outside of high school. My first boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn’t have sex with him. I was pressured again by the next boyfriend so I ended it. I was harassed in year 7 by boys in my class because they fancied me. Later I rebelled and became a goth and I was bullied in school. The boys would all call me ugly and a freak. I got a job at a local shop and the manager and assistant managers bullied me also. Though they clearly fancied me. One bullied me because I wouldn't be with him and forced me to kiss him. He trapped me and wouldn't let me go until I kissed him and I was scared so I did. The actual assistant manager molested me at 16 even though he was 28 but I got away. The next few months at work he also harassed me and I ended up leaving because he tried to rape me in the office but I defended myself and got away. He bullied me until I left the job afterwards, making me feel worthless. I got a bf eventually at college much later than the other girls but he was sex obsessed and ended up being abusive and anally raped me because I wouldn't allow him to go there, I didn't want to do that. It was brutal. He was abusive for 4 years, mostly sexually in a degrading way and made me feel like I needed to be like a porn star to be worthy of his attention. He would always compare me to other women and often strayed/cheated and advertised himself online. He was completely sex obsessed. I befriended someone and confided in them about my predicament and how sad I was, asking for their help but they got me drunk and raped me whilst I was unconscious. Then told me I was an easy target and it was just there on a plate. That really hurt. I did have a few sexual relationships or '**** buddy' relationships with people but these were often empty of any feeling. I got with someone in the end who I thought was a gentleman but he soon turned nasty and was just as sex obsessed, controlling and didn't seem to care about me much by the end of our relationship. He made me feel crazy and ****** up, tried to control me in every way and then when I thought we were ok and I was finally happier he blamed me for his depression and then cheated on me with a horrible girl. I met up again with the first bf who had dumped me for not sleeping with him, and he convinced me he had changed and was not an arsehole any more. He said sorry and we were going to date but then I got drunk and tried to impress him and dirty texting started. This led to a one night stand and then he completely lost interest. I did it again too and even did sexual things to try and impress him that I didn't really want to do. He went off me after that, he had got what he wanted. Nearly every guy friend I've had has tried to pressure me into sex or made me feel like an object or like that's all I'm good for. I don't feel like I get treated as an actual person by men. One of my best friends and me ended up doing stuff but he isn't interested as he is friends with my ex, even though I really like him, even now. He told me I would make a good porn star though, he used to tell me I was beautiful and was more of a gentleman but not any more, I think that got ruined when we started down this sexual path. Every guy says I should be a porn star or just seem to want sex. I feel so unloved as a person and unworthy of having a lasting relationship. I don't actually want everything to be sex sex sex I want love. But sex is the only way I know to show affection so I just feel like a lost cause I don't know how to fix myself or if its men that are the problem. I just feel like there must be something wrong with me or I have developed wrong and don't understand men because of my past. Do I need more therapy? I just want to live like a normal girl and not have to try so hard for attention because I get all the wrong attention or nothing. I don't know what is so off putting about me to all the nice men or if they even exist. I feel like I have a completely warped perception of love and relationships because of my own abuse throughout my life. It's a huge problem for me though. All I want is to be able to attract men without them wanting to use me or see me like some kind of object. I can't escape this feeling around men no matter who it is. Any help would be appreciated. I just don't want to be perceived as a plaything. It's just one big trigger for me and I don't want to spend my life reliving my abuse over and over. All I want is to find genuine love and have a healthy relationship and now I'm just scared and feel worthless, I am losing hope. I so badly need some self esteem but I don't know how to feel worthy as a person in a non sexual way. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
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