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New Member: Compulsive Masturbation

Good Morning,

I am struggling so hard with compulsive masturbation.I have been 4 days sober right now,but it is absolutely killing me not to view porn or masturbate.I am looking for any insight or support with people who struggle from this.I have a wonderful wife and 4 kids and have not been intimate with her for sometime,because the need to masturbate.I was wondering why I do this.I was a very much a sexually active in my late teens and early 20's and had a very bad break up with a girlfriend and stayed out of relationships for over 12 years ( no sex at all).I can tell you I was the cause of the relationship because I verbally abused her.I got into a relationship with my wife and sex has has always been a problem.In the beginning I was struggling get it up and then finally I did and proceeded to go back to masturbation,which has ruined me.Just a little backround on my life.I came from a verbally and physically abusive home life.My father was degrading and insulting to me and basically beat the hell out of my mother when I was a little baby( I saw her getting beat when I was probably 3-4 years old) as a result I started to act out sexually as a young kid( as young as 5-6 yrs old).My mother is very cold and distant and very much in denial.When I confront her with these issues about my father abusing me she says "well..maybe that was his way of getting through to you".I know that is sick behavior,but it's the only way I know how to communicate.Anyway,I am venting here and getting off the topic.I was wondering,what was wrong with me and how can I get better ( ie mechanisms to cope ).Thanks everyone and be well.PS..please no weirdos with off the wall advice or pervert weblinks.I am a father just trying to get better..that's it.
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139792 tn?1498585650
COMMUNITY LEADER
If we control our breath ,we control our mind.And if we control our mind we control our breath. Abdominal breathing: This is most efficient breathing. Doing it slowly and deeply will calm your emotions including sexual urge. Satkriya is good for generating sexual energy. Kegel is also good for pelvic floor and other aspect of sexual acivity. Male deer exercise is one of the best exercise for sexual health. Google all these words and learn the methods which are simple enough not to depend on any Guru. You can get permanent solution with yoga and meditation. Wish you best of luck.
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Thank for the help.Although the root of the problem goes deeper then yoga.
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Hi, it really seems like you have yourself in a vicious cycle indeed. Coming from a woman might not be the best help for you but heres my two cents for what its worth.
You don't say how old you are or your wife. You do state you have four children, which can mean you have a hectic household if they are still young. I know when you have a busy hectic house, intimacy goes to the back burner for a lot of people. We just get so caught up with house, kids, jobs, chores, etc. Sad but true.
You do not say what caused intimacy with your wife to end, or darn near by the sounds of it, so I am just going to suggest a couple things here.
First, get rid of all the porn. It is not doing you any good and giving you a false image of what sex is suppose to be like and feel like with a "real woman" Its way too far out to be anything even remotely close to real life, face it, these are paid actors!
Second, you have to get the intimacy back in your life with your wife. Is she not into sex anymore or is the lack of it because you have been too busy by yourself? It is going to take some time to get yourself retrained to enjoy lovemaking with your wife instead of masturbation. I think being you have been masturbating so much you are going to find it difficult at first to have the same intensity during intercourse. I think you are going to have to practice some real patience here. If you have a willing partner that understands and is willing to work with you on this I think it can be done. Going days without is a good start and should only make things better when you start sharing intimacy with your wife again.
You don't really give much detail as to why your intimacy stopped with your wife or if your wife is not interested anymore. I am wondering if you do have a understanding willing partner, what she has been feeling and going through with all this. She might be feeling pretty bad inside herself thinking you don't have the same feelings for her etc. Have you discussed these issues with her? This might be a little start for you, but it would be nice to have a bit more input from you to maybe make further suggestions. Good luck, I think you are starting down the right road for a fix to your problem, just hang in there.
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LindaRay428..thanks so much for responding with an intelligent,and insightful response.Ironically,only after 4 days of not masterbating,my erections have gotten alot better. Alot easier to get it up.I am actually 45 years old.I am overweight ( severely) and have had abuse from people my whole life about it.I have a very cold mother and an abusive father...so that certainly doesn't help either.I actually masterbate thinking about my wife most of the times.I actually find porn pretty degrading and don't achieve as hard erections watching porn as I do fantasizing.With that said,I feel alot of my problems is that I feel worthless with my weight,and I do think porn has given me a twisted sense of what sex is.In my mind,I don't see these people for what they are( paid actors with emotional problems).I see that as a form of what sex is suppose to be..does that make sense? I don't think that my wife is not into sex.I actually feel bad because she has become content with a no sexual life style which is sad.I actually wanted to fool around with her tonight,because my erections came right up..but she was very tired ( she's a teacher for disabled children and that takes alot out of her).I think alot of it is me because of how I view my weight and what I look like.It's almost like those cruel voices are always there.I started seeing a therapist and have gotten a tad better.I know it will be life long haul to get there,but I am very commited.She is a patient woman let me tell you.Thanbks for the very kind words of encouragement.
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NJdad- Thanks for your response. You sound like you have done some things that are very positive for your problem. Seeing a therapist is great!
These things about your weight can be fixed. You have to get your mind right and whittle away at everything we do and are faced with in life. Hey, who isn't overweight or would like to lose weight. It is hard to do. BUT, it can be done. Your weight can be adding extra problems for you with erections troubles too, so it is important to really make a serious goal of dropping some weight. It doesn't have to be record setting. A few pounds here and a few pounds there. Lots of water and exercise, even a small walk everyday will help. And walking is so good for what you have going on in your mind too. It will make you feel better in your body and your mind. Focus on a small goal first. "I want to lose 5 pounds this month" you would be surprised what you can do if you really set your mind to it. I want to tell you, having a wonderful wife that you love and still fantasize about is wonderful. Having a wife that is going to understand and be there for you through this is half your battle right? You said she is a very patient woman. You have so much to be thankful for that in itself. You can overcome this. And you will, with YOUR determination and some effort. I am telling you, walk, 30 min. a day or several times a week, Drink lots of water, and cut out one thing in your diet that you won't miss. Once you see some results, and you will, that will be encourgement enough for you to keep plugging away at it. Life WILL come back with you and your wife. Intimacy with your wife is so so important. Even if intercourse cannot happen right away or completely, just being together, holding and touching is so needed in everyones life. Do this! You might have to relieve yourself periodically until intimacy with your wife gets rolling again. Men need the release! But practice this less and less as you can and fill it in more and more with your wife. And again, get rid of that darn porn. It is holding you back, it really is. If you do these things and follow through with them, YOU WILL see good results and a new life with your partner will emerge again. Do it, not only for you but for your patient wife that would love to get her husband back!..Good Luck!
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Hey, I did want to add one more thing. You are a grown man. Do not be influenced by people that have not treated you well along lifes way. Your life is what YOU make it. If there are people that are bringing you down, try not to be around them. If someone makes you feel bad, you don't want to be their friend anyway. You know who your real friends are and the ones that are bringing you down. Make good choices here in your life too. You can't feel good in your own mind if you are around people making you feel bad. One more tid bit to keep in mind. Even if intercourse doesn't or can't happen right away with your wife, remember there is other ways to please each other. Experiment, try new things, and eventually you will be ticking along again. LR
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LindaRay..thanks so much.I have been seeing a therapist,and she wants me to see a psychiatrist,because she thinks I have a severe case of Bi-Polar disorder.With that said,I am afraid of taking meds because they impede on sexual thoughts,and because of the anxiety to compulsively masturbate coupled with the meds hampering my sex drive,I may end up going crazy ( well..thats at least what another psychiatrist said to me,which makes sense).I don't know who to believe!! On one side I am getting clinicians saying I am this and I am that,and this is what meds I should be on.On the other hand I know that the effects of medication can be harmful to your body and overall health.I just don't know what to do.It's like a damned if you do,damned if you don't.I personally think meds are a quick fix for a long existing problem,but my flip side says that "maybe it can help".As a life long porn addict you tend to find so many excuses to why you shouldn't stop.One last side note.I found out that if I masturbate at night it doesn't help me sleep either.Usually if you are not hugely into masterbation,if you do do it,it is a sense of relief,when you are compulsive about it riddles you with guilt and anxiety.Thanks again and I truly appreciate the advice.PS..I have lost about 15 lbs so far,and it has made a small improvement.I guess any improvement is good.
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NJdad- Hey, It sounds like you have some things already happening in your life to get things fixed. I would follow through with what your doctors plans are. It might make a world of difference with your guilt and anxiety. Some medications do have side effects, like you mentioned, lack of sexual desire, but the benefits may outway that tremendously. Everyone is different.
Your taking these steps is already progress for yourself. You have lost 15 pounds and that is a very positive motivater to lose more.
Again, being a woman, I can only offer my thoughts and might not understand the bigger picture what you are dealing with. I think deep down you know what you have to do and you are already working on the fix. It is not easy I am sure. Retraining yourself is not an easy task, but nonetheless, one that can be done. It didn't happen overnight and will not be fixed overnight either. I think doing what you have already and coming on to the health boards is showing you really want to fix this and I bet you will. Maybe you will get some other useful inputs from more people as well. Hang in there, LR
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