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Am I an in denial lesbian or is it HOCD?

I am really confused lately and I don't know if I am an in denial lesbian or if it is HOCD.

Last fall, I had a lesbian erotic dream. I didn't enjoy it in my dream and when I woke up, all I could think of was the idea of boobs suffocating me unpleasantly. For a week or two after that, I was in a panic thinking that I was a lesbian in denial. I was constantly checking out women and lost total interest in men. The feelings went away ( or I suppressed them) and I felt normal. For the past two months, I have been having the same problem. I am constantly checking out girls, thinking that I am attracted to them and have lost interest in men. I have always had crushes on guys. My first crush when I was little was when I was three years old and he was a boy. I had crushes on boys in elementary school and middle school but I have always been very shy and secretive about them. I remember thinking that I had a crush on my best friend, a girl, when I was like 8 but the feeling passed after a day or two. I have always been very picky and I mean really picky about the guys that I like and I can almost always tell when a girl is attractive. My friends will say, "Wow, he is so cute" and I will say, "Really? I guess he's okay.." I have always had strong crushes on male celebrities and "lady crushes" on female celebrities but they were never sexual ( that I knew of). I have been taking quizzes, checking out girls and testing myself, asking myself if I am gay constantly and wondering why I can't find men attractive anymore. If I get horny, on the rare occasion, I masturbate to male porn. I have tried to watch women, and lesbian porn but it doesn't seem to appeal to me as much as the male porn does. I feel like I am just realizing that women have boobs and vaginas and have suddenly become attracted to them. I get very anxious around all women. I think about past experiences with female friends and acquaintances and I question whether I was attracted to them or not. I wake up thinking about it, go to sleep thinking about it and it is driving me crazy. I have had a boyfriend for the past 6 years but most of it has been long distance. I am terrified that I will not be attracted to him when I see him this summer. I have had OCD since I was very young and it got severe about 5 years ago. I have been on and off meds, gone to a therapist, etc. I have been convinced that I was suffering from terminal illnesses, caused myself extreme swelling in certain areas, etc due to my anxiety. I have read about "false attractions" and I am wondering if that is what I am experiencing but if that is what it is, then it feels so real. Its so weird. I watched a show with one of my male crushes on it and I saw him and I was questioning myself.. "Do you still like him? Why isn't he doing it for you?" and I WANTED to find him attractive but I couldn't. I have only had one boyfriend my entire life but I have also had terrible self esteem so I always assumed that was the reason.. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I have always shown signs of being gay such as rarely having crushes, enjoying foreplay more than actual sex, etc. I have read so many articles and it sounds like me but I have also read that checking articles and overthinking past friendships and encounters is a sign of HOCD but I can't help but freak out when the signs all point to me being a lesbian. Sometimes I have weird thoughts that I might even be okay with being a lesbian but then I freak out because I never wanted that before!! The other day, I randomly thought about my boyfriend's body and saw a picture of that same male crush and had STRAIGHT thoughts for about 5 minutes. I felt so good and normal but it only lasted 5 minutes. What is going on with me? Am I an in denial lesbian??

P.S. I have not had my period the past two months, which has happened because of anxiety before but could that cause a hormonal imbalance or something that is causing these weird feelings?

P.P.S. I have always been very accepting of the LGBT community.
3 Responses
134578 tn?1602101550
Your therapist isn't helping with any of this distress?  

First, this is not something you need to know tomorrow.  It's not like people have to announce their sexual orientation at the door or they won't get into life.  It's perfectly OK to just forget about the question and let time answer it.  Watching yourself every moment with suspicious analysis will pretty much erase the possibility of ever having a spontaneous sexual moment to analyze.  

Try upping your exercise, it tests as getting better results than anti-anxiety meds.  Then when you're feeling more balanced, just check in on the issue every now and then, and see where you are regarding who's looking exciting.  

Avatar universal
I exercise a lot. I have stopped seeing my therapist because my anxiety has lowered since exercising. I feel so stressed out about this all the time. I try to test myself with lesbian porn but I am concerned that it is my conscious mind telling me not to like it because I rarely get turned on by it. I just have no attraction towards men lately at all and it is really concerning me. I will be seeing my boyfriend soon so I want to be confident that I will be attracted to him when I see him. It is so stressful because I have basically convinced myself that I am a lesbian but I don't want to be and I don't know if I don't want to be because I know that I have liked men in the past ( which now I don't even know if it was real) or if it is because I won't be able to accept it. I have always been accepting of gay people and I always get very excited for a friend when they come out so it is weird that I am feeling this way.
Avatar universal
It sounds like you may be bisexual. Which isnt a bad thing at all. But if you dont like watching female porn then maybe your HOCD is just making you think you like girls since you start looking at them in an attractive way then that continues till it doesnt. Anyways, I would just go for what ever you feel. And Im going to tell you if you dont see yourself marrying the man your in a long distance relationship with then end it because life is too short for that noise. Maybe try a girl friend see if its something you like. I wouldnt base anything off of a dream you had though. I once had a sexual dream about my mother. Though I felt horribly weird upon awakening it doesnt mean Im gonna pursue that ever. You need to just go with the flow of your feelings, if it turns out you like women and want to pursue a sexual relationship with one then go for it. It doesnt mean your locked in and cant turn back to men If thats not what you wanted. Just keep calm and see how things turn out. Dont beat yourself up about your sexual orientation. I see some men attractive but I couldnt imagine being sexual with one.
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