Avatar universal

Am I exagerating?

In the beginning of our marriage I thought it was okay for him to watch porn and whatnot. I even watched a few with him. When he would deploy I understood and thought that it was okay for him to watch all the porn he wanted while being away from me. But I started noticing how everytime he came back from a deployment he would watch porn more and more often. I then caught him going on dating sites as well as porn sites where he would talk to other women. It bothered me so much because even though he wasn't doing anything physically I thought he was still cheating on me, I guess on an emotional level? Anyways later on I caught him cheating on me a few times. I have caught him so many times on dating and porn sites that I can't even remember how it all started. Now he has been back from his 2nd deployment and instead of wanting to spend time with me or have any type of intimacy with me he rather watch porn. It was almost 3 mths that we hadn't had sex when I caught him one morning masturbating to porn. At this point I was hurt and disappointed. I told him that I wasn't putting up with it any more and that he needed to get rid of all his porn, from his zune, the tv, everything and dat he needed to get help. I thought everything was okay until I catch him yet again watchin porn on the tv..I then threatned to leave him if he didnt get help so he made an appt with a therapist. Again I thought things were going okay until I found the stack of magazines in the car..I've told him so many times how it hurts me when he rather watch porn than do anything with me and it doesn't seem to face him although he keeps telling me he's never doing it again...And then he finds books about sex and fantasies. Okay am I going crazy or does he really have a problem with porn? I feel like its taking over our life and our marriage..We've been married for 5 yrs now and this has been going on from the very beginning..
16 Responses
1186852 tn?1423660370
Hey, i can imagine as a woman and a wife, that having that feeling of not being 'wanted' by your partner/husband can be very disheartening! Some men and women for that matter watch porn, i myself have watched a few with my partner. But only as something 2 enjoy for the both of us...and 2 get some new ideas. For the diagnosis of him having a 'problem' with watching porn, i dont know. It seems that he's lying about watching it, which ultimately is not good. Maybe sit him down and explain how your feeling. Make him see that u feel unloved, neglected, not wanted...and maybe something will get through to him. Maybe your husband has a fantasy?! Do u find him watching a certain type of porn?! Maybe its something he enjoys to watch, but not necessarily something he thinks you could enjoy together. Five years is a long time to carry this burden... it needs sorting. Sit him down, tell him how it is, and explain that you're they're for him! If your love for eachother is strong enough...you will egt through this! Best of luck..
1183485 tn?1307560114
Porn is ok as long as its not affecting your sex life in a bad way. but i totaly disagree with the chat sites; it is like cheating. how would he feel if you were watching porn and chatting up men all the time and did'nt want any sex with him?? What a knock to your confidence! The cheating is another matter alltogether...its unforgiveable and if he keeps betraying your trust then i dont expect things will ever change. maybee a trail seperation would help? you may loose him alltogether but he may realise how lucky he is and think twice before cheating. it's a big risk but do you really wanto carry on being treated like crap? P.s. you did'nt say if there were kids involved; that would complicate things...obviously you'd haveto think whats best for them too!

Whatever you decide to do, good luck!
Avatar universal
Yes I have a two yr old and Im 25 wks pregnant! This problem in a way has hurt my self esteem since I feel like I have to compete with the women he sees in porn. And now that I am pregnant I feel even more unwanted. I see porn as a gateway of all the cheating online and in real life, and he doesn't see that.  I know I am right because it always starts with porn, then the websites then the physical cheating. He says that he wants to change and that he will do everything possible to make this work, but how is he really going to do that if he doesnt keep any of his promises to get rid of all the porn? I went to a prenatal appointment last week and was told that I had chlamydia. He denies up and down that he has done anything from the last time he cheated but that was over a year ago. I had gotten checked 6 mths before and everything came out fine but then he gets back from a deployment and all of a sudden this happens. I know he did something but he will not confess! Some people say that he's like every man and that they all watch porn but I dont think porn brings this many problems to a marriage if something wasn't right. Anyways thanks for replying to my post. Sometimes I feel like Im going crazy and that I may be exaggerating the whole porn problem..
Avatar universal
Like I said in my original post I was okay with porn until all the problems started happening. I would also watch it with him and was always open for new things. And so I dont think that its because there is some fantasy that I may not know about. But no matter how much he denies having an addiction to porn I know I am right, why else would I feel this way? It was getting to the point where he would wake up really early in the morning before work to watch porn, he would download porn on his zune and watch it while at work, and then he would come back home and download some more porn. I was going crazy over how much porn there was in this house and so I told him that I wanted no more of that in our house. Even knowing how upset it gets me he still continues to do it. When I would bring it up how he rather watch porn than do anything with me THEN he wanted to have sex..I feel like he's not in the mood unless he watches porn..It is very frustrating. Told him to get help, he went to a therapist who just told him to think about other stuff whenever he felt the need to watch porn..That hasn't really helped. Any other ideas??
1305762 tn?1311548999
I'm not understanding why the porn is whats bothering you so much when you actually caught him cheating on you? Why isn't THAT the main problem?

Not to defend him ignoring you and watching porn but it seems like him actually cheating on you should be worse, no?
Avatar universal
The cheating is not the main problem at the moment because I have forgiven him for what he did in the past. It was my decision to stay with him and so far he hasn't cheated on me again. There is the question of how he gave me chlamydia since his doctor said that it could have resurfaced again if he hadn't taken all of his medication the first time he got it and my doctor said it was impossible to have it all these years. I have no other proof of him cheating on me so there's really nothing I can do about that problem. The porn is my MAIN concern at the moment because I do believe he is addicted to it. I knew there was a problem when we would go for months without doing anything and I would find him watching porn and taking care of business that way. The fact that he can't stay away from it even when I asked him to if he wanted to save our marriage confirms that. I am just looking for alternatives since his therapist didn't seem that interested in going deeper into that subject.
Avatar universal
this is important – this kind of sexual indulgence ceases to be normal when a man actually prefers it to having sex with his partner. When this happens, the relationship is usually in some trouble. Today, it is increasingly common for Internet porn to create that kind of relationship problem.

In such cases, it's not uncommon for men to use porn more and more for relief, rather than face up to sorting out sexual or relationship difficulties. This kind of avoidance behaviour almost invariably worsens an already problematic situation.
If a man wants to save his relationship, but feels increasingly dependent on pornography, he should seek help.
Masturbation and the Internet
Since round about the beginning of the 21st century, more and more men have been masturbating while using the Internet.
When this involves viewing the sort of pornographic images that you can also get on video, the situation is similar to when a man uses magazines or blue movies – in other words, he’s not getting involved with anybody else.
But when the activity involves masturbating to orgasm while 'talking' by use of the keyboard with another person, then this cannot honestly be judged as a solo activity, or as simple masturbation.
In fact, it can be seen as an act of infidelity – if the man in question is married or committed to a serious sexual relationship.
In 2010, it's become surprisingly common for people to install video and audio equipment, so that they can see and talk to others while masturbating.
The advent of the website ‘Chat Roulette’, which currently (2010) receives 500,000 visitors a day, has had an enormous impact. The idea of this set-up is that men and women are connected randomly to others in various parts of the world, and they can masturbate in front of them.
Most partners would regard this activity as definite infidelity. In fairness, the rules of the site are supposed to prohibit ‘pornographic behaviour’.
973741 tn?1342342773
A simple answer to your question, NO.  I don't think you are exaggerating.  You have a husband with a tainted history and an issue with something that bothers you.  If one is willing to risk their marital relationship over keeping porn in their life------- yep. It's a problem.  He's lied to you and sneaking around.  Not being able to give something up--------  even while in therapy for it is a problem.  

Many view porn as a harmless thing because they view it here or there and see it as no big deal.  It becomes a big deal when you are fighting over it in your relationship.  

Why are porn and cheating related as they often are?  Well, some can't quite get enough.  They get bored of just watching and want to do.  They start to fantasize more and more and some will make bad decisions when that desire starts to control them.  Watching porn can feed this fire for some.  

You have a child with this man, however, and another on the way.  You've forgiven him for cheating and are trying to move past that.  I would imagine after cheating, finding porn hurts.  That would be a natural response.  You've asked him to stop and he can't.  That would make me nervous with a husband who once cheated as if he had no control over himself.  

So, I'd ratchet up the therapy a bit.  I'd go to your next session saying immediately that your husband is lying again and hiding the porn.  Put him directly on the spot.  A therapist needs to know this to deal with it.

I don't know if you can compromise at all on the issue.  I wouldn't want porn at home with the kids to be honest---------  amazing how they find it.  But the question is that if you compromise at all, will it be enough for him.  If he is truly addicted, then no.  

If you were dating----------  I'd tell you that you are nuts to marry him.  Now it is trying to make this a place where you will both stay married and be able to exist and be happy together.  
Avatar universal
I sat my husband down last night to talk to him. Everytime I ask him if we can talk about something he never taI makes anything serious and always laughs it up and says that I make him laugh. Anyways I told him that I wanted to have a serious adult conversation with him about the little setback. Now he went to therapy and the only thing the guy told him was to think of other things whenever he felt the urge to watch porn. It is obviously not working since last week he informed me that he's been reading an old book of mine about different sexual encounters and what not. Now why would he wait to tell me after he's already been reading it for some time now? He must have known that it wouldn't be okay with me. And everytime we talk about the same subject he says Im exaggerating and that its just a book ( or magazine). To me its not just a book, its the fact that I dont think he is making an effort to really stay away from that type of stuff. If he's finding it that hard then its obvious that he has a problem. My husband HATES reading and for him to actually pick up that book and read it must have taken alot..  I feel like he is not taking this situation seriously at all because if he says that I am exaggerating then I think he does NOT believe he has a problem and we're really not gonna be able to move one if he doesn't believe it. Am I right?
Avatar universal
Find another therapist!! a sex therapist
Avatar universal
My husband is currently seeing a therapist so it's pretty much a one-on-one kind of therapy. I thought about going with him but then felt like it would be too much for him seeing that it wasn't really marriage counceling. But I took your advice and I found a therapist who specializes in addictions and marriage counceling and hopefully we can go together as a couple and work on this problem. He tells me what goes on in his therapy sessions but he could be lying about it..I just want to get to the bottom of it. I have been dealing witht his for so long and I just feel like I dont have the strenght to continue on like this. Apart from his mistakes and his current problem he is a great guy and a wonderful father. Things just keep going from bad to worse as the deployments keep coming. I know he is going to be upset about me contacting the therapist and say that I am taking things way out of proportion. But at least I am trying to work on our marriage and I hope he understands that.
Avatar universal
I suggest you call his therapist and just ask does he keep his appointments
973741 tn?1342342773
I think you need to be seeing the therapist with him.  People tell a therapist what they want. Likely that the therapist does not understand the impact your husband's actions have on the relationship.  Honestly, woman to woman-------- his picking up a book of yours about your past sexual encounters . . . it's your book.  Take it back and throw it away.  Are these your sexual encounters?  Is this a book you just have?  I find this curious because if I didn't want my husband to read something I thought was inappropriate, why would I have it?  Why is okay for you to read it?  That he is looking at your things and this upsets you and is a set back into his issues with porn--------  well.  He is reading your things.  Quite curious.  

Anyway, doubtful he ever discussed the book with his therapist and I think you two both could strongly benefit from couple's counseling.  Consider this option.  
Avatar universal
The book he found was an old book I had bought about 5 yrs ago and its just fiction. It does have explicit sexual encounters and I had bought it just out of curiousity. I read it a couple of times and quickly forgot all about it until he found it cleaning our storage unit. He goes to therapy once a month and after his first therapy session he kept watching porn. I had to make him get rid of the playboy channel. Seeing as to that not working he would simply watch the "special after hours" shows in HBO or Cinemax. I then had to go and cancel the movie package so he would get the point. Then I found the magazines he had hidden in his car..I threw those away..and then came the book. This all happened within the month. He is supposed to go see his therapist next week but after talking to him about how I felt with the situation we came to an agreement of going to marriage counseling. He says that he is scared that they will tell us that we are not right for each other. But I told him that they won't tell us anything like that, but that they will advice us on how to work with the issues that are hurting our marriage.
973741 tn?1342342773
Well, I am glad you are going to couple's therapy and think that will be beneficial.  I'm a little confused why a book that you purchased and was okay for you to read is off limits for him to read.  That throws me off a bit.  But I think an unbiased third party will be able to help you two address the issue.  Good luck
Avatar universal
I don't think the book is the problem here. The problem is him not being able to stay away from things like that. Like I've said in my previous posts I was okay with him watching porn before, and if he had read the book at that time then it wouldn't have bothered me at all. Now that this has become a problem though I don't think that reading a book about sexual encounters helps the situation any. I have not read this book in years...It's like he is trying to get his porn one way or another in any way possible. After everything that has happened I find anything like that including porn and the magazines he likes with the naked women disgusting, so no I don't read that book or anything of the sort.
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