Aa
Confused
My uncle sexually abused from me for 4 years of my childhood (he never penetrated me though, since all the times he tried something would happen that he couldn't). When it all started I was 5 yrs and he was 12 yrs (he's only 7 years older than me) he would touch me and kiss me even to the point of prohibiting me to go and play with other kids it went on to the point where he would follow me to my bus stop, pick me up from there, and threatened me that if I would say a word he was going to do something to me. My mom started to suspect something odd about our relationship, how we seemed to act around one another it was different. On Christmas day the whole family was reunited exchanging gifts at my house he was there as well. He took me to my room and gave me my gift from him and kissed me (he would always buy me stuff, please me). On Christmas eve my mom started to interrogate me and I couldn't handle it anymore I told her everything. She was mad and drove us off to were he was staying and confronted him. My mom called the police eventually we went to court he pleaded guilty for the charges he was getting accused of. I went to counselors and therapists. When my mom asked my he did that stuff to me he said that it was because he was a man. Now I'm 18 and he's 25 and still in jail but for something else. I just want to know why he did that stuff to me, he never told me.......was he in love with me or obsessed or something? I can't help but thinking that if he would have done those things now I would've loved it. I can't help but feel sexually attracted to him now! Why is that? (Please I know it sounds wrong and I admit it's not a situation that people can all relate to).
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The other thing to remember is that you did nothing wrong, you were 5, you had no context for understanding what he was doing, you were victimized and reacted in a way that protected you -- surviving abuse is a win. I knew a girl who was near-raped, when she would try to call out the guy would clamp his hand over her mouth really harshly and get super agitated, and when she resisted more covertly (squirming and turning her head) he would calm down and kind of pass out (he was drunk). Later her mother yelled at her that she had not screamed, making the girl feel like she was somehow complicit. But the guy got more violent the more actively she resisted, and calmer the more subtly she turned from him. She made it through without being raped though he mauled her quite a bit, and if she had done more active things she might have been violently raped and or beaten up. The point is, you did what you did when you did it because those were your coping ways, and your ways to make sense of the world, in the context of a child's understanding of the world. No blame attaches to that. Your job now is to finish the work of putting it into true context, and to learn what real love between a man and woman is for you. Good luck, sweetheart. I feel that we don't open the package of emotional woes until we are strong enough to do it, and it sounds like now is the time you're ready to do it.
Thanks to both answers. I never thought that me being sexually active now was going to link those feelings to my childhood trauma. In a way I've always known that I needed to seek (still do) medical help. To be honest a part of me hates him so much. And after that happened with him I pretended that everything was fine I didn't want to remember but I was reading online that that's a common symptom in the outward adjustment stage. I googled it in rape trauma syndrome.
Hi, Omg. Welcome. I am so sorry for your childhood being ruined like that! At 12 yo, a boy begins puberty and begins to have sexual feelings. He knew what he was doing was wrong, because he threatened you if you told. He may continue to be a sexual predator once he is released from jail. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. It is not unusual to have sexual feelings about the person who first gave them to you, young as you were anyway. BUT these feelings ARE inappropriate, and should be redirected toward a loving boyfriend. This man is your uncle and he abused you. Remember that. If he ever comes near you again, call the police immediately. I am here for you if you wish to message me, anytime. Blessings - Blu PS: look onto rape counseling. It would help you immensely.
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In your shoes I would seek counseling or therapy, simply so you won't continue to be attracted to predators all your life. Should you remain so, you'll probably get into relationships with controlling men, and that kind of thing escalates. They might start out nice and a little bit overly attentive, but sooner or later they wind up trying to control everything about you, and when you leave them you are not safe from them. A counselor can help you find the "you" in all of this, and help you decide where to draw the line so you do not lose your identity (or even your life) in a relationship with such a man.