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Decreased Sex Drive
Hello,
I am a 21 year old female and I am in a sexually active relationship. Over the past little while, my boyfriend and I have become very close, and yet at the same time I have found my sex drive to be decreasing. When we first got together, we were having sex most days, if not more than once a day. Now it is down to maybe once a week. I know that we are past the infatuation phase of the beginning of our relationship, but that doesn't seem to be the issue. It`s not just that we`re not having a lot of sex, it`s the fact that I never want it at all anymore, and I used to initiate it quite frequently! I am very attracted to my boyfriend, and when we do have sex it's great. But for some reason, every time he attempts to initiate sex, I pull away. If we are having a nice evening, I almost feel as if he's ruining it by initiating sex. I am well aware that he is not using me for sex, I know that we have something more special than that. However, it seems that the closer we get, the less interest I have in sex. Almost as if sex is something that I have the desire to do with someone that I don't have such strong feelings for, but that once the emotional attachment is there, its no longer appealing.
When I first started to notice it I thought it might have something to do with my birth control pill. Since then I have tried switching brands as well as going off the pill entirely, none of which have worked.
I do have some experience with sexual abuse, which is maybe why I've come to think of sex as this "dirty" thing that you don't do with people you actually love.
It's not so much the amount of sex we're having, as the huge decrease in my sex drive that bothers me. And him! He says he doesn't feel desired by me anymore, and I can't really blame him.
Another big problem is that I am leaving the country in a month or so for a year long contract. We are planning on doing the long distance thing. I'm sure this doesn't help things.
Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? Has anyone had a situation similar to this? It's a very frustrating situation for my boyfriend and I, and although he wants to help, I feel like this is something that only I can figure out.. any help would be greatly appreciated!
I am a 21 year old female and I am in a sexually active relationship. Over the past little while, my boyfriend and I have become very close, and yet at the same time I have found my sex drive to be decreasing. When we first got together, we were having sex most days, if not more than once a day. Now it is down to maybe once a week. I know that we are past the infatuation phase of the beginning of our relationship, but that doesn't seem to be the issue. It`s not just that we`re not having a lot of sex, it`s the fact that I never want it at all anymore, and I used to initiate it quite frequently! I am very attracted to my boyfriend, and when we do have sex it's great. But for some reason, every time he attempts to initiate sex, I pull away. If we are having a nice evening, I almost feel as if he's ruining it by initiating sex. I am well aware that he is not using me for sex, I know that we have something more special than that. However, it seems that the closer we get, the less interest I have in sex. Almost as if sex is something that I have the desire to do with someone that I don't have such strong feelings for, but that once the emotional attachment is there, its no longer appealing.
When I first started to notice it I thought it might have something to do with my birth control pill. Since then I have tried switching brands as well as going off the pill entirely, none of which have worked.
I do have some experience with sexual abuse, which is maybe why I've come to think of sex as this "dirty" thing that you don't do with people you actually love.
It's not so much the amount of sex we're having, as the huge decrease in my sex drive that bothers me. And him! He says he doesn't feel desired by me anymore, and I can't really blame him.
Another big problem is that I am leaving the country in a month or so for a year long contract. We are planning on doing the long distance thing. I'm sure this doesn't help things.
Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? Has anyone had a situation similar to this? It's a very frustrating situation for my boyfriend and I, and although he wants to help, I feel like this is something that only I can figure out.. any help would be greatly appreciated!
No you're not completely screwed up at all! I used to be the same exact way and I promise it'll get better. I thought the same exact things. Give it some time and if your bf is understanding everything will no be ok.
Thanks for your help!
I think you're right, that probably does play a big factor in my decreased sex drive. However, I find the biggest problem not just that I don't have much interest in sex, but that it's like I get offended when he suggests it. If we're having a nice romantic evening and he tries to end it with sex... I get this feeling of "why are you ruining our night?" I keep trying to not do that.. but it happens EVERY time and I can't seem to make it stop.
From what I can figure, I've managed to separate sex and feelings, perhaps because I've found it easier in the past. And now that I have these great feelings for this guy.. it's as if I'm offended when he wants to have sex because I feel like it is something you do with someone you don't care that much about... Whereas what we have is so much better - we can actually have an amazing conversation, we can have a great time doing almost anything!
I just can't seem to get it in my head that sex can be an expression of love... and I don't know why, or how to fix it. Am I completely screwed up?
I think you're right, that probably does play a big factor in my decreased sex drive. However, I find the biggest problem not just that I don't have much interest in sex, but that it's like I get offended when he suggests it. If we're having a nice romantic evening and he tries to end it with sex... I get this feeling of "why are you ruining our night?" I keep trying to not do that.. but it happens EVERY time and I can't seem to make it stop.
From what I can figure, I've managed to separate sex and feelings, perhaps because I've found it easier in the past. And now that I have these great feelings for this guy.. it's as if I'm offended when he wants to have sex because I feel like it is something you do with someone you don't care that much about... Whereas what we have is so much better - we can actually have an amazing conversation, we can have a great time doing almost anything!
I just can't seem to get it in my head that sex can be an expression of love... and I don't know why, or how to fix it. Am I completely screwed up?
I understand your problem completely. Went thorugh it myself. If you're on birth control, that is the culprit. Hormones play the biggest role in your sex drive. Also, think about if you resent him for anything subconciously that makes you pull away. I do believe every girl goes through this at this age. I'm only a year older than you and still go thru it time and again. I think the idea of sex when you're not so close it a bigger turn on too, however, its more meaningful when you lvoe someone. So next time you're ready to get down and dirty think about when you two first met or when you first had sex. Relive those memories and you're almost garunteed to get your engine started :) I think it comes down to feeling too routine you know? Same thing different day. Do things to make it more exciting, but you have to be willing to put yourself out there :) hope this helped
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